Introduction

Hello,

My name is Jessica. It's taken a long time but I am starting to confide in some and come out and say I am a girl. Physically name but relate female. Right now admitting this feels so good but it also brings up a lot of emotion sadness, and regret, because when I was younger I denied myself so many things to not be called a girl or gay. That's what it was like when ai was growing up.

Ironically by the time I was in high school I had earned a place that would have allowed me to easily do the things that I was afraid were only for cisgender females, but still ai didn't. I remember one of my best friends in 10th grade actually trying to get me to cross dress. She took all these outfits out and talked about them and tried on different things, but I just say there and watched and talked.

Previously I had very long hair and coming back from summer vacation kids in my east coast prep school were saying- whose that girl?" I was so embarrassed but an really liked my long hair.

Now. I am 50 and I am different. Starting to celebrate these things about myself. By its very very sad. I don't know why I couldn't be myself from the beginning.

what I am learning is that being a little bit on edge, hidden. and secretive does help me in someways to live life to the fullest that I can.

Oh I forgot. My name. I was not born with it. I also did not pick it out. About six months ago I got some serious makeup from a professional makeup artist for some photographs. Near the end of the very long process she asked me if I didn't have a different name. She called me Jessica. Then when the pictures started she was watching and talking to the photographer and referring to me as she. Afterwards I just kind of felt the name Jessica fit. It was like a positive affirmation. Kind of bizarre getting your name this way. But I think it's so cool.