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Miss Cyn goes to Washington!
Our story begins with a girl with a dream. Long kept hidden behind closed curtains and doors and unrevealed to her friends and family, she longed to venture out into the light to see the world. Fear of the unknown had kept her from realizing that vision for many, many years. Would she face ridicule? rejection? embarrassment? Possibly even physical harm? These fears were powerful for she had been hiding her true nature for so long within the outer shell she inhabited that was what most of the world saw. She had experienced that rejection and embarrassment as her need to express herself was discovered by her wife who could neither accept nor even tolerate living with this aspect of her life. A divorce ensued with all the inherent conflicts that caused; the dressing came out in court with the judge berating her as a horrible parent and the only winners being the lawyers for each side. The only silver lining was that she was now free to express her hidden side a little more often though still only inside her home.
Then one late summer day in 2015, she came across a website that purported to be a support site for crossdressers across the gender spectrum. Wary but desperate for someone to talk to that would understand what she was feeling, she posted her first meek forum post-“Dipping my toes in the water-with pretty pink toenails!”. Soon she was greeted by many friendly members including a certain lady with an unusual French name-Codille. Over the course of the next few weeks, they corresponded by Private Message(PM) (as this was before the chat room existed) and a friendship was born that would change her world! Acting as a mentor, confidant, big sister and BFF all wrapped into one, Codille helped her to realize that she was no longer content to hide in the shadows-she needed to see the world and for that matter the world needed to see her too!. Codille also introduced her to Denise who was in the midst of transitioning to full female and between the two of them encouraging her, she began to explore her feelings with a sense of new found wonder. She decided to share her journey openly with the community on the site and began a series of FIRSTS-first time shaving entire body; first time going outside the house dressed; first time driving while dressed; first time getting out of the car to get gas while dressed-links are provided to posts/articles but you can skip them if you want to! first time interacting at drive thru window(getting her milkshake! https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/it-all-started-with-a-vanilla-milkshake/ ); first time shopping openly for women’s clothes in stores; first time walking around neighborhood after dark dressed completely; first time truly admitting to herself that she has TG feelings (even though not certain yet what final destination is for her); first time coming out as TG to anyone(niece-just before last Christmas- https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/the-plan-was-to-go-to-christmas-town-at-busch-gardens/ ;first time telling friend about TG feelings(on return trip from New Orleans) https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/coming-out-the-sequel/ ; first time telling rest of immediate family https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/an-open-letter-to-my-sister/ ; first time being out in daylight in public out of car (visiting gravesite of parents to introduce to them the daughter they never knew they had- https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/reflections-on-memorial-day/ ; first time having a girls night in with female friends; and that brings us to this past weekend. (Sorry for the long intro! )
So after the venture to the gravesite and the girls’ night in , I knew that the next step was going out in public and getting out of the car while dressed and being part of the crowd. I needed to see how I would do presenting the whole day as female. There were so many worries and fears bouncing around my head, telling me I SHOULDN’T or COULDN’T do this crazy thing! I listed them above and I knew there were others that I had probably missed. But to move forward I HAD to face those fears and take a leap of faith that I would be OK and that most of the fears I had were overblown. So I planned the trip for this summer to Washington, DC- a comfortable 100 miles from my hometown of Richmond-figuring I would not be likely to run into any one I knew there. The first few tries got postponed due to unexpected issues that came up, but finally the plans were made for Saturday 07/16/16. My sister, who has been my biggest supporter, not only was going to accompany me but had helped select a series of outfits for me to choose from for the journey. On Friday evening I tried them all and we agreed on two outfits-a soft,flowy, gauzy orange summer dress with white slip on sandals with a slight 1“ heel and the other outfit was a pair of orange leggings with a white tunic top and the same shoes. We packed a backpack with the leggings/tank outfit and-in case I panicked and needed to tone it way down, we also packed a t-shirt and pair of shorts. Saturday morning, with pink polish on my toes, freshly shaved legs and body, full makeup, wig and breastforms, and the orange dress, I grabbed my purse and we left to drive to DC!
Traffic was thick and we were a little later than planned getting to the Metrorail station. Gathering up my courage, we walked from the car to the train platform. I tried to look as confident as I could (though I was incredibly nervous) head held high, a very slight sway to my hips as I walked, and low heeled sandals clicking on the pavement as we made the departing train with 30 seconds to spare. It was about a 25 minute ride into downtown DC which meant sitting with the same crowd for all that time where there was nowhere to hide. No one seemed to take any special notice as I talked quietly with my sister (who had never ridden the Metro before). Arriving at the DC metro station, we walked to the National Gallery of Art where we were to meet our companions for the day. OH-I forgot to mention that we were killing two birds with one stone (sorry PETA ) and were meeting with Codille and her lovely wife and 14 yr old daughter who had patiently awaited our delayed arrival. We met and exchanged huge hugs as we were introduced to each other. Codille was not in femme mode but that did not stop the fun as we ate lunch in the museum café and then spent the next four hours or so walking through the museum-seeing the art work and also talking and getting to know each other even better. I felt completely natural in the dress and carrying my purse and according to my sister and Codille’s wife, the only people who may have been staring at me were folks(mainly guys) who were observing my fairly ample breastforms under my dress!
As we finished the museum visit proper, we stopped at the bathrooms at the entrance. The ladies went into the ladies room and Codille (being in male mode) went to the men’s room while I stood out in the hall as there was no individual/family restroom and I did not have an URGENT need to use the restroom. But as they came out and we planned where to go to get some ice cream, my sister suggested I change into the other outfit (leggings and tunic top). So swallowing the lump in my throat, I entered the ladies room with my sis, waited for a stall to open up and went in to use the facilities and change outfits. Mission accomplished, I freshened my lipstick and left the room and realized afterward that no one had given me a second glance-either not noticing or not caring that it was me underneath the female clothes! We exited the museum and got ice cream from a street vendor and sat on a bench while we ate it and were talking and people watching. Then it was time to part ways with Codille and family so we walked together to the subway station where they got on their train and we got on ours.
On the way back to Richmond, we stopped at IKEA and while looking for carts, a female clerk came up and said “ladies there are more carts upstairs!” I was secretly thrilled at being addressed as part of “ladies”. We finished our shopping and went to McDonalds for a snack and I again used the ladies room. We arrived home in the late evening around 10pm.
SO-what did I learn from the experience? First-that Jane and Denise and Vanessa and Codille are all correct that the fears you imagine are almost always SO much greater than the realities you encounter. I don’t know if anyone “clocked” me from a distance or not, but at least up close to me, I was treated as the woman I appeared to be. Second-confidence and a smile really do go a LONG way to appear more passable. Third-I LOVED being out as Cynthia in the world and am eager to repeat the experience as soon and as often as I can—especially with the upcoming SCC(Southern Comfort Conference-a CD/TG get together in Florida in late September) where Cyn will spend almost a full week amongst other folks. Fourth-that even though I don’t know yet whether I will ultimately be a more active outgoing crossdresser, a transgenderist living largely female outside of work while still being male at work or whether transitioning is in my future, I know that Cyn will continue to be a major part of my future and that I am happy about that! I look forward to more Adventures in Genderland and meeting more of you lovely ladies at some point in the future! Thanks to each and every one of you who has been loving and supportive of me as I explore my gender issues. I couldn’t have done it without you! Stay tuned for the next update as my journey continues. I’ll finish as I often do with a poem below which I will also post in the Poet’s Corner forum.
Luv,
Cyn
Coming Into the Light
For fifty years, the flower hid unseen by any eyes;
Her petals folded neath herself as others passed her by.
She longed to open up but could not overcome her fears
And so remained in darkness, her roots watered by her tears.
It seemed she might be destined to traverse this life alone,
With no one to appreciate her as the years went on.
But then the curtains parted-and the tiniest beam of light
Reached through the darkened room and on that flower did alight.
The warmth and energy it gave allowed the flower to bloom
Until the pot it sat in clearly didn’t have the room
To hold the quickly growing plant as petals did unfold;
No longer weak and timid, it was time to become bold.
And so the flower ventured out into the sunny world
Where all could see the colors of her leaves and flowers unfurled.
The hazy shades of grey were gone, her beauty now so clear
And confidence and joy replaced the nervousness and fear.
Her life was changed as she became who she was meant to be
And looking back from whence she came, it now was clear to see
The walls that seemed so daunting were in fact a house of cards
That when she gave a gentle push fell into many shards.
To realize our potential is the goal towards which we strive
An effort which continues for each day we are alive.
So face your fears and stare them down and you too will succeed
In cutting loose the chains that bind; your true soul will be freed!
Don’t let this life pass you by with regret at not being who you truly are inside. You never know who else you might be inspiring too. I have learned so much from so many of you and I won’t name you all here because I don’t want to leave anyone out accidentally. Thank you for helping me discover myself and I look forward to continuing our journey together!
Cyn
Pics of outfits are here https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/members/skippy1965/media/ pics 7767,7768,7780,7784,7785,782,7803
Cyn,
Thanx for sharing. I am so proud of your accomplishment. You are an inspiration to all of us. I look forward to hearing of your continued journey and growth.
Hugs,
MacKenzie
Awesome. AWESOME! YOU ROCK GIRL!!!
Congratulations Cynthia, you are now out and about as a woman of the world.
Let nothing stand in your way.
Lovely Cyn, just lovely. You really had yourself an adventure in DC! You have gone out and done so much in just the short time that I have been on CDH. I think the days of Cynthia being housebound are over! Now you can put that extensive wardrobe and shoe collection to use!
I know I had absolutely nothing to do with your venturing out, but let me just say that I am still very proud of you!
Hugs,
April
Cynthia, you have been special to me ever since I joined CDH. I'm so pleased for you that you reached this milestone and strutted your stuff! I hope that this is only the beginning as you continue to allow that flower to blossom. Show the world your beauty, not only on the outside, but also show the world your beautiful heart. Love ya, girl.
{{{{{SMILE}}}}} Such a huge smile of happiness for you, my cheeks hurt! It gets easier from here, your confidence will continue to grow......the burning inside will intensify.......the "need" will come more and more. I'm so PROUD of you Cyn! No more "baby-steps" for you girl, you've found the courage and the desire.........it's only a matter of time now GF!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha... clunk. I laughed my ar** off thinking of how much exercise your eyes got furtively scanning around waiting for 'those' looks, only to see that they were not happening. Cyn all I can say is "yes, I did tell you so."
I am so glad that you've finally convinced yourself that you can do it. We've known all along.
Onwards and outwards. the only way to go.
🙂
Look out world !!!! Here comes Cynthia.
So glad you had such a great day out.
Hugs...
Congrats Cyn for sharing your experience for others. Not as hard as you first thought girl. Now you are free as a bird to be yourself. Hugs
2016_personal stories: skippy1965(Cynthia) original post:
Miss Cyn goes to Washington!
Our story begins with a girl with a dream. Long kept hidden behind closed curtains and doors and unrevealed to her friends and family, she longed to venture out into the light to see the world. Fear of the unknown had kept her from realizing that vision for many, many years. Would she face ridicule? rejection? embarrassment? Possibly even physical harm? These fears were powerful for she had been hiding her true nature for so long within the outer shell she inhabited that was what most of the world saw. She had experienced that rejection and embarrassment as her need to express herself was discovered by her wife who could neither accept nor even tolerate living with this aspect of her life. A divorce ensued with all the inherent conflicts that caused; the dressing came out in court with the judge berating her as a horrible parent and the only winners being the lawyers for each side. The only silver lining was that she was now free to express her hidden side a little more often though still only inside her home.
Then one late summer day in 2015, she came across a website that purported to be a support site for crossdressers across the gender spectrum. Wary but desperate for someone to talk to that would understand what she was feeling, she posted her first meek forum post-“Dipping my toes in the water-with pretty pink toenails!”. Soon she was greeted by many friendly members including a certain lady with an unusual French name-Codille. Over the course of the next few weeks, they corresponded by Private Message(PM) (as this was before the chat room existed) and a friendship was born that would change her world! Acting as a mentor, confidant, big sister and BFF all wrapped into one, Codille helped her to realize that she was no longer content to hide in the shadows-she needed to see the world and for that matter the world needed to see her too!. Codille also introduced her to Denise who was in the midst of transitioning to full female and between the two of them encouraging her, she began to explore her feelings with a sense of new found wonder. She decided to share her journey openly with the community on the site and began a series of FIRSTS-first time shaving entire body; first time going outside the house dressed; first time driving while dressed; first time getting out of the car to get gas while dressed-links are provided to posts/articles but you can skip them if you want to! ( https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/what-was-your-first-experience-like/ scroll to 2nd page) ; first time interacting at drive thru window(getting her milkshake! https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/it-all-started-with-a-vanilla-milkshake/ ); first time shopping openly for women’s clothes in stores; first time walking around neighborhood after dark dressed completely; first time truly admitting to herself that she has TG feelings (even though not certain yet what final destination is for her); first time coming out as TG to anyone(niece-just before last Christmas- https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/the-plan-was-to-go-to-christmas-town-at-busch-gardens/ ;first time telling friend about TG feelings(on return trip from New Orleans) https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/coming-out-the-sequel/ ; first time telling rest of immediate family https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/an-open-letter-to-my-sister/ ; first time being out in daylight in public out of car (visiting gravesite of parents to introduce to them the daughter they never knew they had- https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/reflections-on-memorial-day/ ; first time having a girls night in with female friends; and that brings us to this past weekend. (Sorry for the long intro! )
So after the venture to the gravesite and the girls’ night in , I knew that the next step was going out in public and getting out of the car while dressed and being part of the crowd. I needed to see how I would do presenting the whole day as female. There were so many worries and fears bouncing around my head, telling me I SHOULDN’T or COULDN’T do this crazy thing! I listed them above and I knew there were others that I had probably missed. But to move forward I HAD to face those fears and take a leap of faith that I would be OK and that most of the fears I had were overblown. So I planned the trip for this summer to Washington, DC- a comfortable 100 miles from my hometown of Richmond-figuring I would not be likely to run into any one I knew there. The first few tries got postponed due to unexpected issues that came up, but finally the plans were made for Saturday 07/16/18. My sister, who has been my biggest supporter, not only was going to accompany me but had helped select a series of outfits for me to choose from for the journey. On Friday evening I tried them all and we agreed on two outfits-a soft,flowy, gauzy orange summer dress with white slip on sandals with a slight 1“ heel and the other outfit was a pair of orange leggings with a white tunic top and the same shoes. We packed a backpack with the leggings/tank outfit and-in case I panicked and needed to tone it way down, we also packed a t-shirt and pair of shorts. Saturday morning, with pink polish on my toes, freshly shaved legs and body, full makeup, wig and breastforms, and the orange dress, I grabbed my purse and we left to drive to DC!
Traffic was thick and we were a little later than planned getting to the Metrorail station. Gathering up my courage, we walked from the car to the train platform. I tried to look as confident as I could (though I was incredibly nervous) head held high, a very slight sway to my hips as I walked, and low heeled sandals clicking on the pavement as we made the departing train with 30 seconds to spare. It was about a 25 minute ride into downtown DC which meant sitting with the same crowd for all that time where there was nowhere to hide. No one seemed to take any special notice as I talked quietly with my sister (who had never ridden the Metro before). Arriving at the DC metro station, we walked to the National Gallery of Art where we were to meet our companions for the day. OH-I forgot to mention that we were killing two birds with one stone (sorry PETA ) and were meeting with Codille and her lovely wife and 14 yr old daughter who had patiently awaited our delayed arrival. We met and exchanged huge hugs as we were introduced to each other. Codille was not in femme mode but that did not stop the fun as we ate lunch in the museum café and then spent the next four hours or so walking through the museum-seeing the art work and also talking and getting to know each other even better. I felt completely natural in the dress and carrying my purse and according to my sister and Codille’s wife, the only people who may have been staring at me were folks(mainly guys) who were observing my fairly ample breastforms under my dress!
As we finished the museum visit proper, we stopped at the bathrooms at the entrance. The ladies went into the ladies room and Codille (being in male mode) went to the men’s room while I stood out in the hall as there was no individual/family restroom and I did not have an URGENT need to use the restroom. But as they came out and we planned where to go to get some ice cream, my sister suggested I change into the other outfit (leggings and tunic top). So swallowing the lump in my throat, I entered the ladies room with my sis, waited for a stall to open up and went in to use the facilities and change outfits. Mission accomplished, I freshened my lipstick and left the room and realized afterward that no one had given me a second glance-either not noticing or not caring that it was me underneath the female clothes! We exited the museum and got ice cream from a street vendor and sat on a bench while we ate it and were talking and people watching. Then it was time to part ways with Codille and family so we walked together to the subway station where they got on their train and we got on ours.
On the way back to Richmond, we stopped at IKEA and while looking for carts, a female clerk came up and said “ladies there are more carts upstairs!” I was secretly thrilled at being addressed as part of “ladies”. We finished our shopping and went to McDonalds for a snack and I again used the ladies room. We arrived home in the late evening around 10pm.
SO-what did I learn from the experience? First-that Jane and Denise and Vanessa and Codille are all correct that the fears you imagine are almost always SO much greater than the realities you encounter. I don’t know if anyone “clocked” me from a distance or not, but at least up close to me, I was treated as the woman I appeared to be. Second-confidence and a smile really do go a LONG way to appear more passable. Third-I LOVED being out as Cynthia in the world and am eager to repeat the experience as soon and as often as I can—especially with the upcoming SCC(Southern Comfort Conference-a CD/TG get together in Florida in late September) where Cyn will spend almost a full week amongst other folks. Fourth-that even though I don’t know yet whether I will ultimately be a more active outgoing crossdresser, a transgenderist living largely female outside of work while still being male at work or whether transitioning is in my future, I know that Cyn will continue to be a major part of my future and that I am happy about that! I look forward to more Adventures in Genderland and meeting more of you lovely ladies at some point in the future! Thanks to each and every one of you who has been loving and supportive of me as I explore my gender issues. I couldn’t have done it without you! Stay tuned for the next update as my journey continues. I’ll finish as I often do with a poem below which I will also post in the Poet’s Corner forum.
Luv,
Cyn
Coming Into the Light
For fifty years, the flower hid unseen by any eyes;
Her petals folded neath herself as others passed her by.
She longed to open up but could not overcome her fears
And so remained in darkness, her roots watered by her tears.
It seemed she might be destined to traverse this life alone,
With no one to appreciate her as the years went on.
But then the curtains parted-and the tiniest beam of light
Reached through the darkened room and on that flower did alight.
The warmth and energy it gave allowed the flower to bloom
Until the pot it sat in clearly didn’t have the room
To hold the quickly growing plant as petals did unfold;
No longer weak and timid, it was time to become bold.
And so the flower ventured out into the sunny world
Where all could see the colors of her leaves and flowers unfurled.
The hazy shades of grey were gone, her beauty now so clear
And confidence and joy replaced the nervousness and fear.
Her life was changed as she became who she was meant to be
And looking back from whence she came, it now was clear to see
The walls that seemed so daunting were in fact a house of cards
That when she gave a gentle push fell into many shards.
To realize our potential is the goal towards which we strive
An effort which continues for each day we are alive.
So face your fears and stare them down and you too will succeed
In cutting loose the chains that bind; your true soul will be freed!
Don’t let this life pass you by with regret at not being who you truly are inside. You never know who else you might be inspiring too. I have learned so much from so many of you and I won’t name you all here because I don’t want to leave anyone out accidentally. Thank you for helping me discover myself and I look forward to continuing our journey together!
Cyn
