My Wife Asks Me Why I am so Angry

Molly,

Reading your post I see some aspects of my own life( see my posts  https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/have-you-ever-wished-that-your-crossdressingtg-feelings-would-disappear/,  https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/do-you-ever-doubt-your-self/ and  https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/reflections-on-my-life-now-and-in-the-past/)  but I know it was much more difficult in the days before internet availability helped us to realize that we are not alone in this world.  I still remember the dewey decimal and library of congress call # 's ( Transvestism is 306.71 and HQ 77 and Transsexualsim is 301.6 and RC 560 ! 🙂 ) from tryig to research them as a teen in the 1970;s.

The anger is completely understandable but is only hurting yourself.  It is toxic to your soul and can make even the brightest day seem gray and cold!.  You have to make a conscious decision to see he bright side of life.  I have had many tragic tings happen in my life-especially over the last five years or s (see article  I posted - https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/starting-counseling-and-the-road-to-recovery/) but I have always tried to live life seeing everything in the most postive light I can.  DO i sometimes get taekn advantage of?  Yes probably so-in fact defineitely so.  BUT I am happy even though "suffering" this "affliction" of gender dysphoria.  The last few months on the site here have helped me realize that I am worthy and have much to offer the world.  and so do YOU!  I think of all you have experienced in your life(based on the timeline you mentioned).  You can share those experiences with those just coming to terms with themselves and maybe help them to realize that they too are worthwhile! If I can help just one person to love themselves as GOd made them then I consider my life as having been worth living!

PLease forgive your wife for not wanting to learn much about this part of you.  Hurtful though it may feel, remember she to is a product of her times and if she still loves you anyway then she is doing the best she can.  Enjoy that love for it is more than many ever get to have!.

Please don't take the above as a criticism but as the loving advice from someone who would dearly love to have had a spouse that was even tolerant of her gender confusion.

With sisterly love,

Cynthia

Hello Molly,

One of the great things about Crossdresser Heaven is that here we find so many people who have been through, or who are currently experiencing, what we are going through. I am confident that there are others who have felt as you do, for like Cynthia I see some of myself in your post.

When it comes to being angry at yourself for being born as you are look at it from the point of view of looking in the mirror. What if you looked into the mirror and saw deep brown eyes looking back at you, yet you so want them to be blue? Is there any point in being angry? Does it help? I'd suggest that 'no' would be the right answer for both questions. We can finally start to accept who we are, and how we were born, when we finally acknowledge that we had no choice in either. As you say, it's not a choice we make to be who we are, we just are. Anger will only continue to hurt yourself above all others.

I firmly believe that we don't lose friends when we come out as being transgendered. If people abandon or reject us then I see them as not being friends at all, merely acquaintances who we suited when it pleased them. If they reject you, so be it. There are far more people who will accept you, many can be found here.  As for society, despite what we sometimes see in the media or hearsay on the streets, there is much greater acceptance for transgender people than there ever was. Things get better every day. So far I have been fortunate to have had no negative experiences and I am out to all those I care about and get out and about en femme as often as I wish to. It can be done.

Which brings me to your final part, the relationship with your wife. I recently discovered how important communication can be, especially when it comes to our transgender lives. I wrote an article here at CDH called Communication is a Two-Way Street.  You are certainly willing to talk about things but your wife is not. As I neared the end of you post my impression was that you should show her exactly what you wrote. It was honest, if brutally so, it was heart-wrenching and it completely explains the anger your wife has noted. If she won't hear it from you perhaps she'll at least read how you feel. I believe that is what you should do though only you can make that decision.

I differ from Cynthia for although I agree that your wife may also be a product of her era, and that you should embrace the love she gives you, that does not mean that you should avoid embracing the major part of you that struggles for recognition. There could be many reasons why your wife doesn't want to talk about your need to be feminine. She has an obligation to let you know how she feels about things as well. She needs to understand that you can't find the path to follow if you don't know how she feels about things. Despite her love for you her silence and unwillingness to talk about it is as much a 'betrayal' as she may well believe your not telling her earlier was. She is now the one keeping secrets.

As I said hon, only you can make the decision of what to do from here. Please know that we feel for you, we understand your dilema and we'll help in whatever way we can. Should your wife ever be willing to discuss things then she too can find help and information here.

Best wishes and hugs to you.

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies and advice.  As you know, it's a work in progress.  I'm workin' on it!

Molly

2015_relationship advice: Molly original post: 

My wife keeps asking me why I am so angry.  We have been married for almost 30 years.  She knows about my crossdressing and wants nothing to do with that “part” of me.  As I have studied and learned about this subject, I have shared some of it with her.  So, I know that I am transgender and crossdressing is a way of expressing my female self.  I know that GID is a “condition”, not a disease.  I know that I am not mentally ill.  I know that I was born this way; it is not a “lifestyle choice”.  I am sure that this condition was brought about through the gestation process resulting in my having a male body and a female brain.

I have shared this information with my wife as I have unraveled the mystery that is me.  I think she is somewhat relieved to know that I do not have a mental disease, although I think she might prefer that since it might mean that I could undergo treatment and be “cured”.  I know there is no cure.

I am angry on three levels: angry at myself, angry at the world, and angry at my wife.  Angry at myself because I was born transgender and have had to bear a terrible burden as a result.  Angry because I am transgender and angry because I am angry that I am transgender.  Self-acceptance and self-love have been a life-long challenge.  I have gone from regarding myself as a “sick”, sinful, crazy, odd, different person to someone who (begrudgingly) accepts that fact that I am transgender and what all that means.  I think this anger might be like what a truly disabled person might feel: “Why don’t my legs work like everyone else’s?  Why was I born this way.”  Why do I have to be different?  And why can’t I express who I am like other people get to do?  Why do I have to live with rejection, misunderstanding, and scorn?

I am angry with the world.  Why do so many people react to transgender people with scorn and criticism and ignorance?  Why do so many people get to express their true essence and who they are without prejudice?  I grew up in the late 1940’s and 1950’s – before there was even a language to describe me.  I had no one to talk to about how I felt.  The Catholic Church, my parents and society at large labeled me sinful and sick.  I have lived my life in secret.  I have lived with guilt and shame over who I am.  It has made me distrustful of other people and cynical about relationships and communication.  I do not believe that I could “reveal” my secret to my family and friends without losing many of them and being treated as a crazy person.  Maybe that is a little bit overly dramatic but I know that many people in my circle of friends would be amazed and, probably, put off by my telling them that I am transgender and a crossdresser.

I am angry with my wife.  I understand, to a degree, her unwillingness to engage with me on this subject.  She didn’t know about my crossdressing before we were married for the reasons others know: I was afraid I might lose her, if she knew about my crossdressing and I wanted to believe that being in a relationship with her might help to “cure” my desire to wear women’s clothing.  Ha, ha, ha.  Anyway, I am angry because she is so adamantly incurious about my condition.  If I were her, I would want to know what it was like growing up and what it is like being transgender in this world of ours.  She does not ask any questions and she does not want to communicate at all about this.

The result is that I feel like she loves only part of me; the part that she likes and understands.  But, there is this other part that she doesn’t want anything to do with.  It forces me to continue to live a part of my life in secret.  It doesn’t help me with issues of self-esteem, guilt, and shame.  If this person who is the most important person in my life and supposedly loves me, doesn’t want anything to do with the transgender part of me, what does that say about who I am?  I resent her lack of understanding, empathy, and sympathy.  And it makes me angry to live with this person who restricts my behavior and refuses to be a true partner.

Sorry for the long post.  I needed to get this down on paper.  I want to share this with my wife because she keeps asking me but I would appreciate any reactions, thoughts, and/or suggestions before I do.

Thank you.

Molly