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I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to open my first door to the real world. Joanna existed within 4 walls. Maybe a few visits to the back yard porch patio to take a picture or two in the sunlight, but NEVER in close proximity of another soul.
I would get dressed up. Load up my purse with my wallet, phone and make up, being sure to grab the keys ( my worst fear was that of locking myself out of my own home ) and then,I would stand there. All made up and no guts to go anywhere. I let the fear of the unknown totally paralyze me.
And then the anxiety set in. The sweats were the worst. I would stand by my front door, keys in hand, going no where and sweating out of fear. Of course I would then have to go and fix my make up. Do that three or four times in a row and your day is blown.
Finally, after looking out my peep hole and reassuring myself that there was absolutely no one out there except the whole world, I turned the nob.
Of course I immediately closed the door after I peeped out of it thinking to myself " I did it, I opened it ! ". But that wasn't enough. After what seemed like 100 tries, I finally did my best Neil Armstrong impersonation. I took one small step for Joanna , one giant leap for my spirit.
Since that day, I have not looked back. I will take a quick peep but today I run to my car as fast as I can in wedges and off I go.
Lookout world, here comes Joanna.
Best Wishes,
Joanna R.
Joanna, that almost got the butterflies in my stomache going, as if i was there standing in your place. I love how you write and look forward to your next post, feels as though I am living vicariously in the moments that await me in the future. The near future I hope.
Good for you Joanna! I can do the house to car part. It is the car to anywhere in public part that I'm still freezing up at right now!
Joanna I remember standing at the door of the motel room when I attended my first support group meeting. I stood there for hours, or maybe just minutes, trying to work up the courage to open the door and step out. My mind conjured up all the scenarios; everyone in the motel watching, people in the car park, visitors walking around.
I almost quit but decided I'd not be happy with myself if I did so I finally pulled open the door and walked quickly to the carpark. What do you know? No-one in the hallway, no-one walking around, and the carpark was empty. All that worry for nothing.
My advice is, don't run, rapid movement draws the eye, just walk in a controlled and calm manner and if anyone does see you, just smile at them.
The successes will keep coming and you'll not even pause at the door anymore, other than to check you have everything. You go girl!
You've done it again girl!!! I could sense your fear, while reading this post, feel your joy as you made that leap of faith. Thanks for sharing!
I always got butterflies in my stomach ever time I thought about going out, it scared me with all the possibilities of what could happen or if I ran into someone I knew. About a year ago I was talking to a girl I've been best friends with since high school. One day I decided to tell her about Amber, I was so scared and excited all at once. It's kinda silly now looking back on it, but after I told her she said that she had known for a while and was waiting for me to tell her. She invited me over to have a girls night together and I was having so much fun, then later that night we realized we were out of cigarettes and had to go out. At first I was scared to death cause I'd never been out as amber before. She touched up my makeup and before I knew it we were in the car on our way. I know it isn't the most exciting first time out but it helped me build my confidence so much.
So many doors-the ones on the phone-to talk to a counselor abut my gender issues, the one where I told my mom and kids about my crossdressing, the ome when i first called Denie and spoke to her, the one where i wentto my first electrolysis appointment, the one when I "got my milkshake"---now the question is -which door is next?
Thank you for this post Joanna,
And opening that door at 2 pm vs. 2 am is a whole other aspect that is
hard to overcome for me. I know it's all in my head but tell my head that.
It just won't listen. 🙂
Maybe one day I'll be able to shut up that little voice and just go out.
Glad to have so many big sisters here to help guide the way.
Hugs,
Samantha
Sam We'll open that door together this fall!
-
<li style="text-align: left;">I remember my first time...still married, wife gone for a week..dressed completely, went for a 10 mile drive after dark.. the whole time looking in the mirror for blue lights..I made it home and quickly went inside, sat down, and let my heart slow down.
2016_personal stories: Joanna R. original post:
I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to open my first door to the real world. Joanna existed within 4 walls. Maybe a few visits to the back yard porch patio to take a picture or two in the sunlight, but NEVER in close proximity of another soul.
I would get dressed up. Load up my purse with my wallet, phone and make up, being sure to grab the keys ( my worst fear was that of locking myself out of my own home ) and then,I would stand there. All made up and no guts to go anywhere. I let the fear of the unknown totally paralyze me.
And then the anxiety set in. The sweats were the worst. I would stand by my front door, keys in hand, going no where and sweating out of fear. Of course I would then have to go and fix my make up. Do that three or four times in a row and your day is blown.
Finally, after looking out my peep hole and reassuring myself that there was absolutely no one out there except the whole world, I turned the nob.
Of course I immediately closed the door after I peeped out of it thinking to myself ” I did it, I opened it ! “. But that wasn’t enough. After what seemed like 100 tries, I finally did my best Neil Armstrong impersonation. I took one small step for Joanna , one giant leap for my spirit.
Since that day, I have not looked back. I will take a quick peep but today I run to my car as fast as I can in wedges and off I go.
Lookout world, here comes Joanna.
Best Wishes,
Joanna R.
Hi Joanna!
I realize this post is four and a half years old, but I wasn't around then. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Usually, when I think of Ambassadors I tend to put them up on a (well deserved) pedestal. I tend to forget that they weren't just instantly confident and flowing with enthusiasm. I tend to forget that they had the same beginning struggles that all of us have/had/will have. Some, I am sure have had struggles they wouldn't wish on their worst enemy. I have to remember that they might still be struggling right now while having the additional responsibility of being there for the rest of us.
Thank you
Hugs
Autumn
Oh my, know that feeling so well. When I first got the idea to go out dressed and opened my front door, I quickly shut it after I heard a noise. It took several attempts before I could stand outside on the stoop for 10 seconds in the dark. Then gradually over a couple of weeks I stood outside for longer, but quickly retreated inside if I heard a noise.
Finally one evening I'm standing outside and I decide this is it. I shut the house door and began walking towards the car. The cool air under my dress felt wonderful. The walking in my heels heavenly. I was in total bliss and euphoria. I'm almost to the car and I encounter a guy walking a dog. OMG. I was in a state of panic now. I was busted. I wanted to run back to the house but decided I'm a bit closer to my car than the guy and dog. I walked to the car and opened the door. I hadn't expected the interior lights to come on and spotlight my legs in my shiny pantyhose, stiletto heels and very short dress. OMG. I got in the car quick. My hands were shaking and my heart racing as I got in and shut the door. I needed several minutes just to calm down enough to do anything.
I was going to go back to the house and just forget about this going out. But I was sitting in my short dress, shiny pantyhose and sexy heels, beginning to enjoy the look of my legs and the attire I was wearing. I started the car and began driving up the road. I waved to the dog walker as I passed. I drove around a couple of hours, stopping occasionally and getting out briefly. I was close enough to where I could be seem but not touched.
It was getting late and I finally decided to head home. I parked the car, got out and headed back to the house. I didn't look or listen for anybody. If someone was nearby and saw me that was not just fine but I was welcoming it.
It was such an incredibly scary but wonderful and exciting experience. As I was thinking about what I did and the thrill and rush, I felt, I could not wait to do it again.
There was always fear holding me back which led to many false starts. But once I walked forward and made that commitment to go, it was totally wonderful. Just so many amazing feelings I could not get from anything else. Even after many years, I still get those fears, thrills and excitement. I love it.