Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
The Crossdresser Heaven community is very diverse and welcomes those who have transitioned or are about to; those who are not going to transition but still present themselves fully en femme either all the time or some of the time; and those for whom crossdressing is limited to underdressing and dressing at home. We are all respectful of each other no matter where are on this continuum and I like that about this site.
However, in this post, I pose a question for those of us who crossdress but endure no gender dysphoria, have no interest in transitioning, and are very happy being male most of the time.
The question is - why do we do it? I am in this category and I wonder why I am this way all the time. There are some unenlightened and intolerant folks who want to explain crossdressing as a paraphilia or psycho-sexual disorder. That is what I remember reading many years ago when I was at university and was in search of an answer (I also remember that reading it did not do much for my self image!) . It is these misguided explanations that lead to the guilt and embarrassment some of us feel just for being who we are.
With respect to my crossdressing, I have come to terms with three things: I have no "disorder" that needs to be fixed; I dont want to transition; and sometimes I love wearing panties, hosiery and lipstick - so what gives? Some literature suggests there is something that became hard wired in my brain, perhaps at birth or perhaps during early development, that releases dopamine or other neurotransmitters when I crossdress. This means that there is something in my brain that gives me a sense of well-being or pleasure when I wear feminine clothing and makeup. It also implies I am actually addicted to crossdressing (I will tell you, a lot of times it feels like an addiction.)
Or is it something else? Is it that society has it all wrong with thinking that gender identification is one thing or another - and that maybe some of us have duality to our gender. If that is true for me then my male side is clearly the dominant one but the female refuses to be completely ignored.
Anyway - if you are a non-transitioning crossdresser like me, who wonders why you are the way you are, also like me, I am curious about what explanations you have come up - or if you have simply come to terms with not knowing or understanding.
I am working on just accepting and enjoying a part of me that only gives me pleasure and hurts no one - but I am having a hard time letting go of the drive to understand why.
Some of you must think about this and perhaps some of you have discussed it with a therapist.
That is my experience on this topic. What experience do you girls have?
My wife wanted me to start cross dressing a little after our marriage . To tell you the truth it made no difference to me if my pants zipped on the side or I had a blouse with a key hold in the back . Often I wore ballet flats . Of course after I started wearing more makeup than French Nails and lip gloss . When , stated styling my hair or my wife did that I loved , and I fell in love with makeup artistry . , then I knew I enjoyed wearing ladies clothes . Because I had to , I mean after you go so far , after taking hormones for 30 weeks , I panicked because I realize I could not go really bad
Kendra,
I too felt I was in that category for most of the last forty years. I never thought I'd be in the other two groups and a did feel the euphoria you describe whenever I dressed followed by intense guilt and shame because I was "failing" at being what a man "should be",conclusion that it wasn't ME that was wrong but SOCIETY.
Then about 4-5 years ago, after the crossdressing intensified and became more frequent, I came to realize that for ME it was more than the clothes. I needed to express my feminine side by actually behaving and "acting ' like I WAS actually a woman In the last few years, I feel that I have moved into one of the other groups-just not positive which one yet:).
Note that I am most assuredly NOT saying that everyone will come to the same realizations I did for myself. Many crossdressers-perhaps most- are as Kendra stated above happy to remain in the realm of dressing for pure enjoyment with no desire to cross further down the gender continuum toward transitioning.. Neither group is "wrong:-its just that we' re all individuals not a monolithic wall of people who must follow the exact same path. It doesn't mean that all those paths cannot occasionally intersect and these groups interact and love and support each other. I certainly feel a kinship with each of you members-whether you occasional slip on a pair of undies, are going out on occasional weekends while dressed, living and presenting full time as female transitioning but with no medical/surgical/hormones treatments or some combination , in the midst of full surgical transitioning or living RLT or have already transitioned and living as a woman. I Am 99.9% certain that I have at met and become close friends with at the LEAST one person from each of those categories I listed and I love each of them to the same extent.
What I DO Think is that each if us has a responsibility to support and love and care for each other member of the site and help each other accept ourselves wherever our paths may lead. As JaneS has said before "labels are for canned goods:'and I believe it was Rosaliy whose signature says "Be yourself everyone else is taken. " Truer words can not be found!
In conclusion, (with apologies to Christians and non-Christians alike), I choose -paraphrasing from the Bible's Isaiah 6: 8-when Vanessa said "whom shall I send and who will speak for us"(the crossdressing community), I reply HERE I AM-SEND ME!
Cynthia
apologies to Kendra for stepping on my soapbox but her post struck me as inspiring and I just went with my heart!
Hi I have thought about this also. My take on it. Is this. When I was about 5 or6 my older sister used me as her doll and dressed me up and put lots of makeup on me I pretended not to like it but deep down it felt nice I alwise rember those times as safe and nice and prety so I think it brings me back to happy safe times
JoAnn,
your sister's name wasn't Sharon was it? I ask brecause I could have written the above about my life down to the age and all. The one difference is I have no conscious memories of it(don't know if I'm repressing or just have poor memory skills for that age. I have often wondered if I somehow internalized the positive reinforcements she gave me-making me feel love and accepted and associating that with being a girl. I do know that once in a while they will bring up the dressing up and calling me their little sister Cynthia, If they only knew she still lives and that she is moving ever so slowly toward her womanhood1 Maybe we were separated at 6 years old!
My crossdressing and the feelings of enfemme are my pleasures and hurt no one at the moment. My desire is to share enfemme with someone by shopping, dinner, etc.
Hi Kendra, I wish I knew why as well. There was no big life changing event that triggered my dressing. I try not to worry about why, I just try to enjoy the
transformation. Maybe a therapist could give suggestions as to why I dress
but I'm not willing to spend the money to find out since I don't really see it as a problem. It's something I like to do, it doesn't hurt anyone and it's really not anyone else's business unless I tell them. So I guess I've come to terms with not knowing why.
Samantha that sounds like a healthy attitude - good for you!
Great question Kendra!!! And terrific responses. I've struggled with the question over the past few years. Like many of us, it started in childhood. I enjoyed playing with dolls and stuffed animals when I was a child (in the 1950s and living on a small farm). Mom would tell me that I should have been a girl. Dad would want me to play with trucks, do sports, etc. My parents competed for my attention - Mom would ask if I want to go shopping in the big city with her and Dad would ask if I wanted to stay and work on the car or do stuff in the barn. I picked going shopping with my Mom 99% of the time. When we moved from the farm to a small town, I quickly got into a group of guys who did "manly" stuff - so I played hockey, football and baseball, did martial arts, got into fights, dated girls, etc. Unlike many of my buddies, I found it really easy to talk to girls and become friends with them. Got married young, in university, and while first married, I had little interest in cross dressing. But always preferred shopping to watching sports. Fast forward to ten years ago. I told my wife during a sharing of our secrets that I cross dressed on occasion (mostly just bras and panties). She was OK with it as long as I did it privately. Of course then it expanded to full wardrobe, makeup, heels, etc. And then, came the thoughts of transitioning especially with all the information on the internet. Some days I'd be leaning one way and then do a 180. Finally decided that my almost daily cross dressing makes me happy without taking the leap to transitioning. I'll be retiring in a year and who knows what will happen then - definitely no more suit and tie!!!! I'll let you know in a year. All the best, Krista.
I think I like crossdressing as a balance mechanism. Most of the time, I am very masculine. I'm very active with cycling, swimming, boxing, and weight training (not all at the same time!). I have various tattoos and will get more. My interests include FPS video games, action movies, and when I read fiction, it's mainly masculine based, like Robert Howard's Conan. I'm a popular teacher where I work and in some ways serve as a role model. As a parent, I provide for all the family and I'm happy to do this.
This is who I am in a worldly sense.
In private, and at times in my mind, I feel the need to take time off from all this. Part of me that is unique, unexpected, and ultimately is of no harm. I think that's why when I appreciate a beautiful woman or sexy lingerie or a cute outfit, it's like an outlet from my responsibilities and expectations. Until very recently, it has been entirely my secret, my thing. Crossdressed alone in private lets me take a step back from my main identity. I can see a beauty in myself that as a man, I would never have sought out in the first place. Taking that nice feeling, self appreciation, in a slightly different form, can stay with me for days and help me feel good, particularly knowing how sexy and attractive I looked. And the outside world is oblivious.
I'm hoping that as I come out with my SO that she can help me take that sense of beauty to a higher level. I never did makeup nor wigs nor heels, and I would probably mess up the look anyway. Who knows, with her experience and input, my secret becomes our secret, and I believe that successful relationships are in part built by shared secrets, known only to the couple that created them in the first place.
I think, that's why I crossdress.
Krista-I 'm in that same questioning place myself. We'll see where our paths lead! 🙂
Cynthia
Renelle,
Great observations-I too view crossdressng as an escape from the masculine stress and expectations of society.. The difference for me is that I'm not certain whether I want to stay in the feminine role for the long term or dress occasionally at home part time.
Its funny sometimes i fantasize about going through the whole process,but the majority of the time I'm gloriously happy just crossdressing. All through my childhood,my teenage when i had the overwhelming desire to wear female clothing i never felt that i wanted to be female. The only thing i hated on my body ( and still do) was my penis, i remember being quit young and putting it between my legs to hide it, i felt (feel) itwas unsightly it spoiled the look of my panties. How weird is that, not wanting to be fully female but hating a certain part of my body (god, have never told anyone about that, that's how safe i feel with you girls). So that's me, i still don't REALLY understand why i crossdress maybe i never will, i just know its who i am. Love Zoe xxx
When I was young I was given boy clothes. Made of material that would last thru climbing trees and playing football. My sister got soft things. A rainbow of color. I was expected to "Be a man". She was told not to do that because it wasn't "Lady like". Boy clothes were a shirt and jeans. Underwear was white. Girls had myriad choices. Dresses, skirts, shorts in any number of combinations of fabrics and colors. They could also wear shirts and jeans. I decided that if they could wear what I was wearing, then I would try on what they could, but I was not allowed to. From the very first time I pulled a pair of pink panties on my rear, I knew I would always enjoy the delights of the feminine side that had just been found in myself. Society is very uptight about this. It is, for unknown logic, not allowed. It abhorrent. So, it is mostly hidden, or as it is expressed, "in the closet". Rather than be ridiculed, I don't wear what I want when I go out. Women can. Very much a double standard. One I don't understand, but must live with.
Dear Kendra,I don't know why I do this,all I know is I enjoy dressing.I've been to three psychiatrists over the years,two just told me I have OCD [which I do] and heres some Paxil ,you'll be fine.The last one actually took the time and talked to me and told me it's because I'm more or less a woman.She did some verbal testing on me and I had to do some physical testing[just move around and do certain tasks] and she watched an listened and told me I have an incredibly strong feminine side.She also explained to me that gender is not black and white,there is a lot of grey area in there,that the human mind is far too complex for anything to be that simple.Then I had to go to a place n Toronto called the Clark Institute for further testing,for which I volunteered and I was a guinnea pig for three days with her old mentor,her prof from university.It was very interesting and enlightening,I thought I was screwed up until I got there,but by the time it was all done they told me yes,you are a woman in about 70% of my thinking which controls my actions which is why I have feminine actions or body language.So basically yes it is as you say hardwired into you,it is who you are.There's no sense trying to fight it,it is who you are,so accept it and enjoy it.As for the rest of the world there's nothing you can do about them,you're going to get biggots and idiots no matter what.My friend and I were talking one day at work and we're both as I call us arm chair psychologists and he came up with a rather profound statement saying "man may have evolved a great deal technologically,but as a society we're still back in our caves".So before I get too heavy,relax and enjoy life and don't worry about the cave men.Now you've got me thinking, I still have my Wilma Flinstone dress from a couple of halloween's ago,I think I'll put it on and see if I can find a caveman to drag me home tonight ,besides I love doing a redhead!HAHA Had to end off on a lighter note.LOL Heather
