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The day I plan on talking with my daughter about Cyn is coming soon. While she has known for about 5-6 years about my crossdressing, she is not aware of my further transgender feelings. Well at least I don’t THINK she knows…I haven’t told her about that part of me but I guess I can’t know what if anything she might have figured out over the years. I know at the time I told her and my son about my dressing, I told them I wasn’t thinking of doing anything further than dressing at home because that is what I truly believed myself.
But over the last few years, I have come to realize that Cyn is a much greater part of me than I had ever realized or been willing to admit to myself. Though I tried the best I could to fit into the “typical” male role, I never really felt comfortable in it, preferring the typical female roles more. Not that there is any requirement that we all fit the gender stereotypes that society prescribes, but life is certainly much more difficult for those of us whose nature is different than what is expected by the world. I have discovered that my inner soul is more feminine than masculine and more importantly that I LIKE and accept that this person is who I truly am-regardless of how my outer appearance may be. And after fifty years of hiding that side of me, I can no longer remain confined to the darkened corners of my home afraid that someone will discover that I am not the person they thought I was.
Cyn needs to be able to get out and see the world and let the world see the wonderful person she is. Perhaps that need can be satisfied by just being more open in my dressing and spending more time out in the world as Cyn but retaining the masculine appearance for work and much of other times at home. Perhaps it may take living and presenting as female without physical changes part time (e.g. masculine at work and feminine outside of work). Perhaps it may require transitioning to live full time as female –with or without hormone therapy and/or feminizing surgeries of any time. Honestly at this point, I think the next steps are to get out into the world and see how Cyn and the world react to each other. Once I find that answer, the answer to what the next steps are should be more clear.
The two biggest hurdles to making any of this happen are the reactions of my family and friends and then how it may affect my long term career at my current job of 23 years. Taking the second item first, corporate policies seem to indicate that they are willing to make accommodations for the transgendered and that they at least profess to be non-discriminatory about this issue. Of course there are other ways to let people go if they want to and also the issue of how immediate coworkers would react. I think, if I can keep my job and income as is, that THIS hurdle is not insurmountable, though I know it would not be an EASY thing either.
The much higher hurdle is acceptance from friends and family. Thus far I have been truly blessed in that all 15 or so of the family and friends who know about Cyn have been truly loving and accepting. Each of them has said that, while they would never have guessed the truth, in looking back it explained a lot of things that they had thought about me (e.g. being uncomfortable in my own skin, being extremely shy and somewhat socially awkward and perhaps a bit aloof). Not all of them have yet seen me in person as Cyn (they have seen pics though), but those that have (my oldest sister and her daughter/my niece) said I seem much happier and comfortable just being around them. I suppose that might be from not having to work so hard to hide my true nature from showing through.
The next steps are the hardest in my mind-telling my two adult children (daughter of almost 24 and son of almost 23 whom I’ll be telling at separate times). I will write more about my son when that day comes. For now, the focus coming up soon is my daughter who just got engaged to be married –the date is a year from August. If the wedding were THIS summer, I would wait to tell her until after the wedding, but it is over a year away. There are too many folks who know about Cyn already. I cannot take the chance that she might inadvertently hear from someone else-she needs and deserves to hear about it from me directly. Also, I know that I cannot put off introducing Cyn to the world for that long nor keep hiding her wardrobe and things at the house. And I am going to the CD/TG conference (Southern Comfort Conference or SCC) in September of this year in Ft. Lauderdale. I cannot lie to my daughter and hope to retain her trust in me.
Fear grips my heart worrying about her reactions, both immediate and long term. 98% of me thinks that everything will go well-at least in the longer term. Regardless of my final destination, I do not plan on doing any transitioning at ANY level until AFTER walking her down the aisle at her wedding. It is that nagging 2% that fears the worst case-total rejection/alienation even to the point where she doesn’t want me to be a part of the wedding and or her life. I TRULY doubt she will feel this way, but I DO have to be prepared for that tiny possibility that would crush my heart.
And so here I sit-like being in the waiting room at the hospital while a loved one is in surgery. Soon she will come to me (like the surgeon at the hospital) and deliver the prognosis. Good or bad, at least I will know. I pray that my gut instincts that she will be accepting are correct. I ask each of you for your prayers that this is the case..but if it is NOT, then I pray for the strength and grace to deal with that too through the love and support of my friends here and the other family members who already know.
As those of you who know me are aware, I like to end each of these articles with a poem which I will also post separately in the Poet’s Corner forum. Thank you all for the love and support you give me each and every day. I am truly blessed!
Cyn
Awaiting the Day
As life begins to coalesce into a clearer scene,
The future beckons me to ponder what it all will mean.
My path is still not set in stone but I can ne’er return
To where I was before my inner feelings I did learn.
Like chicks emerging from their shells, the female side of me
Has left the darkling shadows where the world had told her she
Should spend her life since valueless her life was in their eyes-
But, after years concurring, she began to realize
That there was nothing wrong with her. It was the world’s mistake.
For surely there is worth in every life that God did make.
The measure of the person is not just how they appear-
For each of us that changes with the passing of each year.
And though, for some, those changes might be greater than for others
And some discover sisters which before appeared as brothers,
The true reward is integrating body, mind and soul-
To mend the broken spirit into one enduring whole.
The risks involved enormous as reactions are unknown
As previously hidden parts of us to others now are shown.
Not everyone can handle change, some fear so much that they
End up rejecting those they love and chasing them away.
And if that happens to me, it would crush me deep inside-
But Cyn is such a part of me-I can no longer hide
The essence of my soul, even if it means that I lose
The love of friends or family but I hope that they choose
To look beyond the way I look and not abandon me.
For I have much to offer whether I am “he” or “she”.
My love has no conditions-and I know that I have worth
Despite the gender issues I have lived with since my birth.
So hope it springs eternal that my worries are for naught
That people will discover that it’s not how they had thought.
I’m still the person that they knew and that I e’er will be
For it’s what’s deep inside that makes the person that is me.
And so I sit anticipating how my fate will go
Reactions of each person there is just no way to know.
But I accept myself regardless of what others say
And know I’m moving forward from the nighttime into day.
I’ll face my future boldly and become who I must be-
What form that takes, I don’t know yet but one day I will see.
And if my story helps just one more person to succeed
My life will have meant something and that’s all I truly need.
Thanks to all of you for the love and support you have given me this past year as I try to figure out just who I truly am. If it is not too much to ask I hope you will continue that support as I prepare to tell my kids about myself and also as Cyn prepares to get out to see the world and let the world see her!
Cyn
Dear Cynthia,
Those of us who only know you as Cynthia and have come to love you and cherish your friendship will continue to support you in whatever ways we can without question.
As you embark on another part of your personal journey, you can do so knowing that we are here for you.
We have watched as you pour out your heart in prose and verse and are amazed at the level of compassion you have shown to us. We will endeavour to repay that compassion and more.
We wish you every success in your discussion with your daughter and later, your son.
My personal suggestion to you would be for you to pen another letter and poem directly to your daughter as though it was to be her introduction to Cynthia. You may not use it that way but it will act as a self guide when the time comes to talk.
Hugs, Love and kisses.
Sheryl
Sheryl,
Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts and prayers and support. I have indeed written her a letter already that will I will be giving her to read when we meet to talk. After she reads it, I will be there for her to ask meany question(for which I Already have done an FAQ type list) and am prepared to be totally open and honest with her.
he issue is of course complicated by the fact that I am STILL not 100% certan of exactl how far I am going on my journey-(just going out more, living part or full time as female, or going all the way with HRT and SRS); it would be MUCH simpler if I knew the answers but we don;t get to choose every aspect of life,eh?
I will of course be letting the group know how it goes-regardless of whether that is positive,negative or neutral.
Thanks for caring and for taking he time to comment!
Cyn
I wish you luck and hope as you move forward. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers. I have only come out to my wife, but I know how scary that was, so I have no doubt of the fear you are facing. Thank you for sharing; if nothing else, it shows that each of us is not alone in the difficulties we face in this adventure we call our lives.
MacKenzie
2016_personal stories: skippy1965(Cynthia) original post:
The day I plan on talking with my daughter about Cyn is coming soon. While she has known for about 5-6 years about my crossdressing, she is not aware of my further transgender feelings. Well at least I don’t THINK she knows…I haven’t told her about that part of me but I guess I can’t know what if anything she might have figured out over the years. I know at the time I told her and my son about my dressing, I told them I wasn’t thinking of doing anything further than dressing at home because that is what I truly believed myself.
But over the last few years, I have come to realize that Cyn is a much greater part of me than I had ever realized or been willing to admit to myself. Though I tried the best I could to fit into the “typical” male role, I never really felt comfortable in it, preferring the typical female roles more. Not that there is any requirement that we all fit the gender stereotypes that society prescribes, but life is certainly much more difficult for those of us whose nature is different than what is expected by the world. I have discovered that my inner soul is more feminine than masculine and more importantly that I LIKE and accept that this person is who I truly am-regardless of how my outer appearance may be. And after fifty years of hiding that side of me, I can no longer remain confined to the darkened corners of my home afraid that someone will discover that I am not the person they thought I was.
Cyn needs to be able to get out and see the world and let the world see the wonderful person she is. Perhaps that need can be satisfied by just being more open in my dressing and spending more time out in the world as Cyn but retaining the masculine appearance for work and much of other times at home. Perhaps it may take living and presenting as female without physical changes part time (e.g. masculine at work and feminine outside of work). Perhaps it may require transitioning to live full time as female –with or without hormone therapy and/or feminizing surgeries of any time. Honestly at this point, I think the next steps are to get out into the world and see how Cyn and the world react to each other. Once I find that answer, the answer to what the next steps are should be more clear.
The two biggest hurdles to making any of this happen are the reactions of my family and friends and then how it may affect my long term career at my current job of 23 years. Taking the second item first, corporate policies seem to indicate that they are willing to make accommodations for the transgendered and that they at least profess to be non-discriminatory about this issue. Of course there are other ways to let people go if they want to and also the issue of how immediate coworkers would react. I think, if I can keep my job and income as is, that THIS hurdle is not insurmountable, though I know it would not be an EASY thing either.
The much higher hurdle is acceptance from friends and family. Thus far I have been truly blessed in that all 15 or so of the family and friends who know about Cyn have been truly loving and accepting. Each of them has said that, while they would never have guessed the truth, in looking back it explained a lot of things that they had thought about me (e.g. being uncomfortable in my own skin, being extremely shy and somewhat socially awkward and perhaps a bit aloof). Not all of them have yet seen me in person as Cyn (they have seen pics though), but those that have (my oldest sister and her daughter/my niece) said I seem much happier and comfortable just being around them. I suppose that might be from not having to work so hard to hide my true nature from showing through.
The next steps are the hardest in my mind-telling my two adult children (daughter of almost 24 and son of almost 23 whom I’ll be telling at separate times). I will write more about my son when that day comes. For now, the focus coming up soon is my daughter who just got engaged to be married –the date is a year from August. If the wedding were THIS summer, I would wait to tell her until after the wedding, but it is over a year away. There are too many folks who know about Cyn already. I cannot take the chance that she might inadvertently hear from someone else-she needs and deserves to hear about it from me directly. Also, I know that I cannot put off introducing Cyn to the world for that long nor keep hiding her wardrobe and things at the house. And I am going to the CD/TG conference (Southern Comfort Conference or SCC) in September of this year in Ft. Lauderdale. I cannot lie to my daughter and hope to retain her trust in me.
Fear grips my heart worrying about her reactions, both immediate and long term. 98% of me thinks that everything will go well-at least in the longer term. Regardless of my final destination, I do not plan on doing any transitioning at ANY level until AFTER walking her down the aisle at her wedding. It is that nagging 2% that fears the worst case-total rejection/alienation even to the point where she doesn’t want me to be a part of the wedding and or her life. I TRULY doubt she will feel this way, but I DO have to be prepared for that tiny possibility that would crush my heart.
And so here I sit-like being in the waiting room at the hospital while a loved one is in surgery. Soon she will come to me (like the surgeon at the hospital) and deliver the prognosis. Good or bad, at least I will know. I pray that my gut instincts that she will be accepting are correct. I ask each of you for your prayers that this is the case..but if it is NOT, then I pray for the strength and grace to deal with that too through the love and support of my friends here and the other family members who already know.
As those of you who know me are aware, I like to end each of these articles with a poem which I will also post separately in the Poet’s Corner forum. Thank you all for the love and support you give me each and every day. I am truly blessed!
Cyn
Awaiting the Day
As life begins to coalesce into a clearer scene,
The future beckons me to ponder what it all will mean.
My path is still not set in stone but I can ne’er return
To where I was before my inner feelings I did learn.
Like chicks emerging from their shells, the female side of me
Has left the darkling shadows where the world had told her she
Should spend her life since valueless her life was in their eyes-
But, after years concurring, she began to realize
That there was nothing wrong with her. It was the world’s mistake.
For surely there is worth in every life that God did make.
The measure of the person is not just how they appear-
For each of us that changes with the passing of each year.
And though, for some, those changes might be greater than for others
And some discover sisters which before appeared as brothers,
The true reward is integrating body, mind and soul-
To mend the broken spirit into one enduring whole.
The risks involved enormous as reactions are unknown
As previously hidden parts of us to others now are shown.
Not everyone can handle change, some fear so much that they
End up rejecting those they love and chasing them away.
And if that happens to me, it would crush me deep inside-
But Cyn is such a part of me-I can no longer hide
The essence of my soul, even if it means that I lose
The love of friends or family but I hope that they choose
To look beyond the way I look and not abandon me.
For I have much to offer whether I am “he” or “she”.
My love has no conditions-and I know that I have worth
Despite the gender issues I have lived with since my birth.
So hope it springs eternal that my worries are for naught
That people will discover that it’s not how they had thought.
I’m still the person that they knew and that I e’er will be
For it’s what’s deep inside that makes the person that is me.
And so I sit anticipating how my fate will go
Reactions of each person there is just no way to know.
But I accept myself regardless of what others say
And know I’m moving forward from the nighttime into day.
I’ll face my future boldly and become who I must be-
What form that takes, I don’t know yet but one day I will see.
And if my story helps just one more person to succeed
My life will have meant something and that’s all I truly need.
Thanks to all of you for the love and support you have given me this past year as I try to figure out just who I truly am. If it is not too much to ask I hope you will continue that support as I prepare to tell my kids about myself and also as Cyn prepares to get out to see the world and let the world see her!
Cyn
