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Where do I begin ? When I was young I remember my mom telling me that if I were born a girl, she would have named me " Lucille ". Why did she tell me this ? Would she had liked me better if I had been born female ?
Another flash of memory occurs at Halloween one year when I was pre-teen and oh so highly impressionable. We were trying to decide what to wear that year and I vividly remember my mom saying to me " Let me dress you up as a girl Joe ." ( Yes that is my real name .). Again " Please Joe let me dress you up as s girl .). I didn't understand. Why does she want me to change. Why does she want me to be a girl. ?
Soon after that, my thoughts and desires started to multiply. I remember sneaking into her dresser and stealing a pair of silk stockings. ( Girls, if you are young you cannot appreciate the true difference between a classic pair of silk hosiery and what they have today ). Slowly I wanted more and more. I sneaked out a bra from the bottom of her dresser that she never would have missed. Next it was an old blouse. Then this. Then that. I hid them all underneath my mattress. Feeling they were safe I experienced my first true taste of crossing.
Until, ( you knew this was coming ) one day while changing the sheets on my bed while I was at school, she found it all. I returned from school and she called me into my room. My brother and sister walked in as well. She lifted my mattress and asked " Why ? ". Nothing else. No " Let's sit down and talk ." Nothing. Just embarrassment. Just exposure. Like ripping a band aid off an open wound and leaving it exposed. I didn't know what to say. Did she tell my dad ? Did I hurt her ? How do I sort out all these feelings ? I felt I let her down as well as myself.
There have been many of us who have lived this scenario. I have bought this and that just to throw it all away when it becomes a burden to bear. The heavier burden are the memories and reliving them inside over and over again. I wish I could let go of the past but it has made me the girl I am today. My memories of dressing that first time gave me the desire. The taste of the excitement. Today I can tell myself that I did nothing wrong. I am not a oddity. A freak. I am me. I am the best me that I can be. I love everything that comes along with dressing. I can finally say I love myself and Thanks for the Memories Mom.
Best Wishes.
Joanna R.
Joanna,
Love the post-sounds like your mom may be conflicted and may feel she caused your desires to dress! She doesnt realize that while she may be the trigger, the desire was probably there from before your birth! I have a similar experience with my oldest sister though she does not know Cynthia is all grown up now!
Cyn
Joanna,
Well hon some of our story is the same but my mom didn't have my siblings involved and there was no dad living at home but there was her brother my uncle who was living with us to help make ends meet. I'm not sure why your mom chose to involve the rest of the family but as Skippy suggested perhaps she was conflicted. She may have blamed your desire to dress on her self.
In my case my uncle obviously knew. We would go fishing almost every weekend in the summer. On one weekend following being caught by my mom while at the lake and setting up the camper trailer he handed me a small duffle bag and said "here, I brought these for you". Yep, it was a stash of girls clothes including a swim suit. I didn't know how to react at first but he assured me he was not teasing me and that he understood. I changed and then he sat me down and we chatted. He told me how he had been run out of the Air Force for being gay and that one minute the country trusted him with flying bombers and the next they didn't. He told me he didn't want me to be ashamed of who I was but also made me promise not to tell mom. Ok maybe we were both conflicted. Lol
Any way hon. Be who you are. After all what alternative is there.
Wow Christine! How wonderful to get that family support! I'd give a lot to have even one family member that supportive of me!
