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An article I recently came across that I thought worth sharing. Many of us find this to be so true.......know what you're getting into, have a plan, be strong and resilient, you CAN overcome the views of those not sophisticated enough to accept the real world. Accept who you are, don't be afraid or ashamed, keep your head up, look others in the eye and smile all the time!
Victoria Kolakowski, Judge and Transgender role model.
"I have long thought that transgender people living honestly as themselves are very courageous.
Mirriam-Webster.com defines courage as “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear or difficulty.”
I believe that the willingness to be oneself, one’s true self, openly in public is a scary thing for anyone. Honesty in the face of adversity is a form of moral strength.
For transgender people, being “out” can be downright dangerous.
I have spoken annually over the past decade at a number of Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR) events in November, when the transgender community around the world remembers the hundreds of the transgender people that we know were murdered for being transgender. Most of these folk were poor transwomen of color brutalized, often disfigured, because of who they were.
These events always make me think back to the first time that I ventured outdoors dressed in women’s clothing. A stranger in a car drove up, called me a “he-she” (an old derogatory term), and ordered me into the car. He followed me the wrong way down a one-way street. I eventually lost him by running across an interstate highway.
I could easily have been among the unknown thousands of transgender people murdered in the years before we began our annual services. Or I might have been brutally raped, and might not have had the strength to make it this far.
These events remind me of what happened to Gwen Araujo, a beautiful 17-year-old young woman from Alameda County, CA, where I live, who was murdered in in 2002 because her “friends” found out that she was transgender. Her murderers were tried and convicted in the same courthouse where I later served for two years.
When I first ran for judge in 2008, I was endorsed by Gwen’s mother, Sylvia Guerrero. When I went to her home to take a photo of with her, she handed me a box. I opened it, and inside were Gwen’s cremains.
Nothing could have made this tragedy more real than to hold Gwen’s ashes in my hands.
Brandi Martell was an African American transwoman that I knew through many of those TDoR events. She worked as a peer advocate for a local transgender services program. Brandi was murdered a dozen blocks from my home in 2012. Her friends say they believe it was because the unknown killer knew she was transgender from a prior conversation that night. Her case remains unsolved.
And the problems aren’t just that we take our lives into our own hands when we walk outside. We have to fear being shamed and humiliated. We sometimes get mocked to our face, and more often behind our backs. Transgender people are regularly the object of jokes, both by professional comics and ordinary people, in the movies, on television and in person.
Sadly, making a declaration of a deeply held self-identity that puts our lives literally in jeopardy is treated as a punch line, or is argued to be the equivalent of being an adolescent voyeur.
Employment for us is usually a challenge. Study after study confirms that we are a chronically unemployed, and underemployed, community. It is tough getting a job when you are openly transgender, especially if you are at the top or bottom levels of the ladder.
Does anyone think that the large number of transgender women who become sex workers do it because it is glamorous, or because the pay is good? Many have no other option to survive — they can’t even get documents with their names and photos on them without going through bureaucratic hoops. Without that identification, it is tough to even get government assistance. Some folk are too embarrassed or fearful to even ask for help.
I saw how hard it is to get a job when I started looking after law school. Even the best recruiters couldn’t find a position for me at most corporations or law firms because the employers either figured out or found out that I was transgender (the recruiters told me that was the reason — I am not just projecting my fears). When I finally got a job, one of the attorneys got a call from a friend at a firm that had rejected me to “warn” him about me. I was outed to my entire firm.
Eventually, I had to start my own firm, and later I got civil service jobs because selection was based on merit. Even so, I could have been far more successful in my career if I had never transitioned.
Even something as fundamental as using a bathroom is unnecessarily difficult.
When I began my public transition in law school, I was banned from using all public bathrooms on campus, whether for men or women.
Later, as an attorney, I represented (pro bono) a young transman who had been pulled out of a single-stall bathroom by a police officer at a courthouse in my county for using the “wrong” bathroom. The officer publicly humiliated him in the process. (Again, shaming is so commonplace for transgender people.)
There are actually people currently proposing laws in California to arrest transgender people for using bathrooms.
For those reasons, and for many more, I think that transgender folk are among the most honest, most courageous people that I know. And I am glad that more and more people are coming to the same realization."
You know Denise, that is one of my biggest fears and you hit it on the nail. And that is a shame that California is proposing those laws, for such a liberal state that is accepting to gay and lesbians, why is transgender being singled out. I can see it now, outed at work and pulled from the mens room because some found out that I am transgender. I know that wont happen at work cause of the EEO guidelines but that doesn't mean that it cant happen when I go to a convenient store or out to eat. Thanks for the inspiring story of this brave woman who did what she had to do to show the world that we are human.
It can be dangerous. The very first time I went out I was young and reckless I was going threw a lot of feelings and urges. So I got dressed up in my sisters school uniform. And went out it was obvious what I was and on my way home from the city these teenagers followed me calling me all sorts of names I was lucky that it didn't get worse then that but it was scary
i have learned how to go out and the world has gotten better but if found out it can be bad. I thank god that I am passable nowadays
Another article worthy of sharing:
Transgender survival guide for the holidays: Tips to remember when you reunite with family
Celebrating the holiday season with relatives is stressful for many. But for transgender people, it often means facing an onslaught of invasive questioning and transphobic remarks.
The holiday season may be the first time relatives will see a trans person living their authentic self. Even when family members are aware of a relative's transgender identity, it doesn't mean they're knowledgable about trans issues. You'll invariably run into that one cousin — we all have one — whose only reference point for what it means to be transgender is Caitlyn Jenner. Add in way too much food and alcohol, and the whole experience can start to go downhill very quickly.
Regardless of the situation, an effective way for trans people to manage their holiday experience is to set realistic expectations and prioritize their wellbeing. Here are some tips to help you push through the holidays while navigating transphobic B.S.
Be confident and happy with who you are.
Being transgender isn't easy, but it's also pretty freakin' awesome to come into your own and embrace your truth. If family members can see with their own eyes that you're confident, healthy and thriving, it may help them realize that there is no shame in being trans.
"It's important to know that you're living your life authentically, and not everyone is brave enough to do that," said Vanessa Tashinga, a 23-year-old trans woman from Orange County, California. "You should feel proud of yourself for having the courage to step in front of your family as your true self. And if your family doesn't accept you, know that it's not your fault. Be patient, people will start to understand, but it takes time."
Be ready to correct people — a lot.
It's never acceptable to misgender a trans person, but you can't expect that everyone will get everything right the first time. The first Christmas dinner after starting my transition, everyone kept referring to me by my old name. It was helpful for me to remember that these slip ups typically stemmed from habit rather than malice. Remember that transitioning is an adjustment for everyone who knows you.
Prepare a list of talking points in case someone refers to you by the incorrect name or pronouns. Explain what it means to be transgender, share the importance of being identified properly and reiterate the impact that family support can have on the livelihood of a trans individual. After all, the holidays might be the perfect time for your loved ones to learn more about a community that they had little awareness of before. For some trans people, however, the option of presenting as their true selves in front of family members simply doesn't exist.
"More than being nervous, it's always a really uncomfortable situation during the holiday season because I simply can't be myself around my relatives," Andie Gómez, a 22-year-old trans woman from Mexico City, said in an interview. "I can't wear the clothes I'd like to wear, nor am I able to talk about the guy I'm in love with. But the worst part is that they don't address me by the name and pronouns I identify with."
Take care of your mental health.
For many transgender people, the thought of having others simply witness our trans bodies can cause us to panic. That's why its imperative for us to find ways to alleviate our discomfort when interacting with family members.
Tashinga recalls the anxiety she felt when seeing her loved ones for the first time at Christmas after beginning her transition.
"I had been on hormone therapy for almost a year, and my breasts were growing," she said. "I also began wearing hair extensions and I was so afraid to interact with my family because they hadn't seen me as a woman before. My body was noticeably different. It was very nerve-racking because you don't know how certain people will take it."
The key to making it through a holiday gathering will be to find healthy, self-soothing ways to manage your anxiety. Whenever you find yourself feeling voiceless and overwhelmed, it's important to keep allies by your side. Find supportive relatives or friends you can stick with. Let them know you're feeling nervous and ask for support. You're not weak just because you need someone to lean on.
Have an exit plan.
Being patient with family who may be ignorant of transgender issues doesn't mean they get a free pass for being abusive or disrespectful. If that's the case, you have every right to leave.
Come up with some strategies ahead of time just in case you need to get yourself out of a threatening situation. Maybe you can bring a book with you that you can read in another room if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation. If you're absolutely forced to be in the same room as a transphobic relative, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to interact with them. But if tensions escalate, prioritize your safety and leave.
"My parents were supportive of my transition, but my cousins and uncle would always harass me and threaten to beat me up," Bryan Calderan, a 27-year-old trans man from Arizona, said in an interview with Mic. "I'd rather spend the holidays absolutely alone at a hotel than subject myself to that."
Spend the holiday with your chosen family.
Every family has a unique dynamic and only you know what's truly best for your particular circumstances. Sometimes, being trans is about creating our own families by forging bonds with those who support and affirm us — even if they're not related by blood. Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether you're spending the holidays with loved ones or by yourself, you're never alone. Know that there are always plenty of resources available if you find yourself struggling:
The Trevor Project's 24/7 Lifeline can be reached at at 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386).
Trevor Chat, the Trevor Project's online messaging service, is available 7 days a week (3:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. ET / 12:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. PT)
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at at 800-273-TALK (8255).
The Trans Lifeline can be reached at 877-565-8860.
Step out, be authentic, be happy.
2016_transitioning for transgender and transsexual women: Anonymous original post:
An article I recently came across that I thought worth sharing. Many of us find this to be so true…….know what you’re getting into, have a plan, be strong and resilient, you CAN overcome the views of those not sophisticated enough to accept the real world. Accept who you are, don’t be afraid or ashamed, keep your head up, look others in the eye and smile all the time!
Victoria Kolakowski, Judge and Transgender role model.
“I have long thought that transgender people living honestly as themselves are very courageous.
Mirriam-Webster.com defines courage as “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear or difficulty.”
I believe that the willingness to be oneself, one’s true self, openly in public is a scary thing for anyone. Honesty in the face of adversity is a form of moral strength.
For transgender people, being “out” can be downright dangerous.
I have spoken annually over the past decade at a number of Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR) events in November, when the transgender community around the world remembers the hundreds of the transgender people that we know were murdered for being transgender. Most of these folk were poor transwomen of color brutalized, often disfigured, because of who they were.
These events always make me think back to the first time that I ventured outdoors dressed in women’s clothing. A stranger in a car drove up, called me a “he-she” (an old derogatory term), and ordered me into the car. He followed me the wrong way down a one-way street. I eventually lost him by running across an interstate highway.
I could easily have been among the unknown thousands of transgender people murdered in the years before we began our annual services. Or I might have been brutally raped, and might not have had the strength to make it this far.
These events remind me of what happened to Gwen Araujo, a beautiful 17-year-old young woman from Alameda County, CA, where I live, who was murdered in in 2002 because her “friends” found out that she was transgender. Her murderers were tried and convicted in the same courthouse where I later served for two years.
When I first ran for judge in 2008, I was endorsed by Gwen’s mother, Sylvia Guerrero. When I went to her home to take a photo of with her, she handed me a box. I opened it, and inside were Gwen’s cremains.
Nothing could have made this tragedy more real than to hold Gwen’s ashes in my hands.
Brandi Martell was an African American transwoman that I knew through many of those TDoR events. She worked as a peer advocate for a local transgender services program. Brandi was murdered a dozen blocks from my home in 2012. Her friends say they believe it was because the unknown killer knew she was transgender from a prior conversation that night. Her case remains unsolved.
And the problems aren’t just that we take our lives into our own hands when we walk outside. We have to fear being shamed and humiliated. We sometimes get mocked to our face, and more often behind our backs. Transgender people are regularly the object of jokes, both by professional comics and ordinary people, in the movies, on television and in person.
Sadly, making a declaration of a deeply held self-identity that puts our lives literally in jeopardy is treated as a punch line, or is argued to be the equivalent of being an adolescent voyeur.
Employment for us is usually a challenge. Study after study confirms that we are a chronically unemployed, and underemployed, community. It is tough getting a job when you are openly transgender, especially if you are at the top or bottom levels of the ladder.
Does anyone think that the large number of transgender women who become sex workers do it because it is glamorous, or because the pay is good? Many have no other option to survive — they can’t even get documents with their names and photos on them without going through bureaucratic hoops. Without that identification, it is tough to even get government assistance. Some folk are too embarrassed or fearful to even ask for help.
I saw how hard it is to get a job when I started looking after law school. Even the best recruiters couldn’t find a position for me at most corporations or law firms because the employers either figured out or found out that I was transgender (the recruiters told me that was the reason — I am not just projecting my fears). When I finally got a job, one of the attorneys got a call from a friend at a firm that had rejected me to “warn” him about me. I was outed to my entire firm.
Eventually, I had to start my own firm, and later I got civil service jobs because selection was based on merit. Even so, I could have been far more successful in my career if I had never transitioned.
Even something as fundamental as using a bathroom is unnecessarily difficult.
When I began my public transition in law school, I was banned from using all public bathrooms on campus, whether for men or women.
Later, as an attorney, I represented (pro bono) a young transman who had been pulled out of a single-stall bathroom by a police officer at a courthouse in my county for using the “wrong” bathroom. The officer publicly humiliated him in the process. (Again, shaming is so commonplace for transgender people.)
There are actually people currently proposing laws in California to arrest transgender people for using bathrooms.
For those reasons, and for many more, I think that transgender folk are among the most honest, most courageous people that I know. And I am glad that more and more people are coming to the same realization.”
