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All my life I have suppressed my feelings of who I really am and once in awhile it comes out and it comes out hard and I then think about it non stop for about a month or more but then eventually it gets suppressed again and I think about other things. Like now for instance I was wearing panties every single day for almost a month and then out of the blue I just stopped and realized I don't want to. I mean deep down inside I would love to be a woman completely but then reality hits me knowing that will never come to be.
It feels like all of this is a giant pipe dream and the reality of ever going through transition will never come to be true. I feel like my body will never be in the shape that I would want it to be if I did transition and that I just look really stupid when I am dressed up and I just look like a fat guy in a dress and its more of a head game to me than anything else.
I get so frustrated when I think about becoming a woman and perhaps it is better hidden away than being known about in the real world. I just have no clue what to do!
Like I said before we all think the same way the same I feel exactly as Adena I have done the same things I be felt the same feeling at 57 I'll never never have the body I want be the female I've always wanted to be I look at woman of all ages and size and say why not me I see woman going down the interstate in there cars and there dressed and all girly and I can't be that same side the frustration anxiety depression comes over me so quickly I just want to give up on everything that's all I want to be in my mind and my body and sake to be a woman I think what's the use I just look like a guy and address and that makes me so depressed sorry girls that's how I feel I love Holly hate male me
Sorry hun many of have the same struggles. Although some of us have let the girl out of the closet - some farther than others. I think the reality is that whether we're up, down, or just off completely sideways there is support and every year there is more and more acceptance. The best any of us have done is to get ourselves into some form of mental therapy. I know without my therapist I would be a bigger mess than I am now or quite possibly 6' under. The other reality is once you've let the girl out of the closet and learn to accept her, and respect her it does help considerably. That dam boy of mine has repressed me for nearly 60 years. Sometimes he wants me back in the closet, while I want to shine and experience life. So right now we're learning to co-exist maintaining an already established life with a newly discover lifestyle. Don't know if that helps, so my suggestion is find a good therapist
Holly, before I make a general reply to Adena I wanted to comment on your post.
For a long time I hated the "male me" until I realised that I was being ungrateful. We all talk about being in the closet, of hiding our female side away but recently I came to realise where I hide her. I hide her within the male disguise I wear most days.
Like driving around in a vehicle with heavily tinted windows, I can look out at the world around me without people being able to see within. Using that I have been able to see and observe women, learn from my observations and above all, do so without the fear of being harrassed, abused or ridiculed. That has enabled me to build my confidence in my feminine side to the point that now the windows are hardly tinted at all. I am much more courageous as Jane because my male self allowed me the chance to get to where I am.
So don't be too hard on him, he's in your corner too.
We can co-exist.
🙂
Adena your feelings about who you really are and what you see as having to suppress that person are very common. The cycle you describe is the major cause of the purges many of us have made over the years.
At times I have also held an inner desire to be wholly a woman yet I too realise that transition is not the path I am destined to take. The fact that I doubt I would ever transition though is not a reason to cease accepting that a large part of my being is feminine. It is a part of my soul that needs to be acknowledged even if I never wore a dress again. It is part of who we are, that "real" person you mention.
One time, when I was talking to my wife about my phyical appearance; my shape and size and what I described as looking "like a brick outhouse in a skirt and top", she chastised me and said "For heavens sake, look around next time we are out somewhere. Do you think every genetic woman looks like Elle?" (the Aussie supermodel, for those wondering) She went on to say that all women are not the same and even that not all women look particularly feminine, yet they go about their lives as women because they know they are. I realised then what she was getting at - I can do the same, I can go about my life as the woman I feel I am whenever I choose to do so.
Because some of us have to live in both those worlds we have to accept all aspects of ourselves. Accepting and gaining some understanding of our femme selves is only part of the battle. As I told Holly, we also have to accept and acknowledge the male part that got us here.
If that's where you feel destined to be there's nothing wrong with having one foot in each camp. Love the woman you are inside. Express and embrace her when you can but then go and enjoy the other side of you when that too is appropriate. Celebrate and be happy with the whole you.
Best wishes. Keep in mind, we are always here as a sounding board for anything you want to talk about.
hugs,
Jane
Well said Darcy. Cannot overstate the value of counseling in coming to a point of accepting yourself for who you truly are-not the outer shell others may see. I posted a story of my first counseling visit on the main site-link is
Hopefully my experience can in some small way encourage others who may be on the fence or skeptical about the value of counselling-both professional (licensed therapist)and social(friends/family/members here!)
Thanks Darcy for being a great friend to me!
Cyn
Great analogy with the tinted windows, JAne! Mine are still fairly darkened but a few rays of light are beginning to sneak through! Hoping to roll the window DOWN in the coming months!
Cyn
I reckon you will Cyn, maybe even put the top down. 😉
