Victoria's Secret

Victoria,
Your story is a familiar one to me! I too thought that once I got married that the need to crossdress would go away. But like you within less than a year I Was dressing in my wife's clothes and was caught when confronted by her holding the packaging for a woman's halloween wig. She almost left me that day but stayed together with me for another 12 years before divorcing me. She could not tolerate me dressing at all and despite my best efforts and intentions, I couldn't NOT dress as often as possible.

I hope your marriage is able to survive in some form or another-though if you DO end p going to full transition it may need to morph into a different relationship.

Good luck in your continuing journey! I Wish you every happiness!

Cyn

Cyn,

Thank you for your warm words. I do agree, I can never dress often enough. Even though I wear either nightshirts, nighties or a robe almost every night. Seems the newest challenge is shaving. I want to shave but she doesn't want me to.

<3 Victoria

2016_poets corner: Victoria original post: 

I don’t really know where or how to start this.  I could start from the beginning, my younger days, or just start with how I feel. I will say that this is not a journal nor is it a diary. I know that I’m not the only one who has gone through this, and I know that my story might be just like someone else’s but this is my story and it’s true, and although I’ve no intention of letting anyone read this,  I need to let it out, because I have nobody to talk to about it.  Just me.

I am transgender.

To be more elaborate,  I have gender dysphoria.  Which means that even though I was born a male at birth,  emotionally and mentally I am female.  I didn’t always believe that.  I’ve denied it and struggled with any notion at all as to all of this.  I mean,  I would look at myself as anyone else would and I see a male.  But inside,  I’ve never felt like one.  For as long as I can remember,  I always felt like a female. Funny, my mom always wanted a daughter. She even went as far as dressing me and my brother up in clothing that wasn’t exactly girlish but it was pastels or florals.

I remember when I was younger,  I used to snag underwear from my neighbors daughters and wear them.  Even to school.  I never got caught,  no not once.  A few times I even put on lipstick.  But that was as far as I went. I used to believe that even though I was born a male that when I became an adult i would be a female. When I got a little older,  and started dating girls,  I stopped.  I figured,  I’m a guy, I’m dating a girl and that’s normal,  so I was normal.  Thing is, I could never get the feelings of being a female out of my head.  Not permanently.  But, I was good at hiding it.  I always thought that it was a phase and as I got older I’d feel like a man someday.  Besides,  in those years if you were born a male you were male,  there was no changing that.

In high school I was always odd. I didn’t hang out with the guys.  I did have a couple of guy friends but the majority of my friends were girls.  I never told anyone how I felt.  I just tried to act like the other guys,  started smoking and tried to act macho, but I was always known as the sensitive one. Different than other guys,  quiet and emotional.  I was able to repress those feelings of being a female for a few years.  Even after high school.  I didn’t think about it for a while,  but I never could stop fascinating over women’s clothing.  I would go shopping,  which I love to do,  and I would pass by the women’s section and there would always be something that would catch my eye. I would usually just try and keep walking hoping whoever I was with wouldn’t notice my interest in whatever I saw.

When I was 19 I got together with the woman who is now my wife.  I was able to keep my feelings mute, mostly.  Though,  I did confiscate her flannel nightie.  As time went on, my woman within would come out, usually when I was talking I would use my hands or sitting with my legs crossed. Occasionally she would say something about it but I never let it mean anything.  After a few years,  and a joke between us, she bought me a pair of silk panties.  I only wore them a few times for her. But after a while I started wearing them when she wasn’t around.  Occasionally I would throw on her satin pjs or her nightgown. I began to realize that I was not only very feminine but inside I felt that I was a woman.

While this wasn’t the start for me,  it was more like a resurgence.  I began to see myself as a woman and not a man.  When I would look at women’s clothing I would now picture myself wearing them.  But I was becoming depressed as well.  While I knew what I felt,  I knew I couldn’t act on it. I was basically married with 2 daughters.  And to let this out would destroy my family.  So again,  I tried tucking it away.  Hoping once again that I was wrong. I should have said something back then,  but I was afraid.  Afraid I would lose her and my family.  I was trying to deny to myself that I felt this way.  I know that it wasn’t fair to hide all this from her but if I couldn’t accept myself how could I ask her to?

I figured that after we were married, this would go away. I loved her and wanted to be the best husband I could. So again, I forced myself to try and forget all about it. I never fully forgot. I’d watch how women would walk and talk, almost studying them. I’d imagine how I would look in certain outfits. After a while, I began to research online crossdressers, and being transgender. Looking at all kinds of information. Then, slowly I began to wear my wife’s panties and sometimes her nightgown when I could. Every time I would look in the mirror I would get angry and frustrated because the person I see isn’t how I feel inside. I started to get depressed again. Becoming angry and bitter because I knew the truth, and I was living a lie. Oftentimes I wished I was dead or thought about running away. I realized that I was beginning to take it out on the ones I loved.

So I finally came out to my wife. I told her how I felt inside. The only thing is, I still wasn’t completely honest. Instead of telling her that I want to transition completely to a female, I told her that I want to crossdress. Although I did tell her that if I could transition, I would but I felt crosssdressing was the only way I could keep my family in tact. I’ve continued doing research and in doing so I found Crossdresser Heaven and have made a few friends that have really helped me through this.

At this point, it’s been two months since I’ve come out to her. I haven’t told anyone , at her request. She’s slowly talking about it. After weeks of uncertainty and fear of losing her, she’s been able to reach a point of somewhat understanding. After she opened up to a family member who is engaged to someone already going through a FTM transition, and finding out that my secret really wasn’t kept very well because they already knew about me. Somehow they figured me out years ago. So as of right now, I can be myself, Victoria when my daughters are not around. As for my wife, she has yet to meet Victoria, but I’m confident that given time and patience, she will get there.

As for transitioning completely, yes, I still want to. I feel it’s the only way to truly be myself. However, I’m going to take baby steps and hope that my wife will still be with me when my journey is complete.