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I was seven years old and at, what we call in the UK, Junior School. We had a teacher, I don't recall the name, who was doing auditions for the school choir. Even then I was somewhat of an introvert and I didn't want anything to do with school choirs or indeed, any other 'team' activity, but I was verbally encouraged (some might say, forced), in my turn, to stand up in front of the class and sing a few lines from some long-forgotten song. Eventually, in my embarrassment, I complied and had got maybe through the first line, when the teacher interrupted, telling me to sit down as I couldn't sing-- I didn't ask to try, for heavens sake! These days, if anyone had done that with me, I would have torn a strip off them and told them not to be so damned rude, but at seven, I just tried to hold back the tears and sat down. For the next 50 years or so, any opportunities I had for singing or playing music were dealt with by my own mind as pointless and time-wasting as 'I couldn't sing'.
Then one day, in my fities, I went to a jazz festival with a friend. When I came back, I bought a saxophone, I took music lessons, I joined a local band as tenor saxophonist and finally, when the band broke up, I started to write--and sing-- my own music. Indeed, the first song I wrote was called 'Oh, sod it' and was a defiant reference to me singing even if I genuinely couldn't. Well, I could. OK, we aren't talking opera, but I'm in tune.
All those musical years wasted because someone decided arbitrarily that I wasn't worth bothering with. I sometimes think about that teacher, long-dead now I suppose, and wonder how many more childrens' dreams she cut down before they had a chance to grow.
A long intro, but what were you told as a child or youth that detrimentally affected the rest of your life? Could be CD-related or anything else really. A place here, in pot pourri, to tell your story, if you want.
Becca
PS I'm not bothered any more about the loss of musical years, there's nothing I can do about and it hasn't been a total failure. As I said, I was in a band for nearly ten years and I also had some of my own music played on the BBC Introducing show.
@rebeccabaxter Becca, your teacher sounds like my father. Just endlessly telling me I was useless at everything. No wonder I've had self-esteem issues. He did however force me through piano lessons. I was naturally good (but he never told me of course). It's the only thing I'm grateful to him for. I've been playing in bands all my life and it's the absolute best thing. My current band goes from strength to strength xx.
@chrisfp99 Don't need an ancient saxophonist do you?
Actually, my son lives in Kent (Bexley, I call it London but he gets upset with that) and plays piano, guitar and ukele, and he sings very well too. So if you need a stand-in sometime... 
Good to hear something good came out of it all though because of/in spite of your father.
@rebeccabaxter Becca, we're all ancient. We've been together for 27 years. Our singer lives in Bexley! I love the sound of the saxophone. We were once offered a three piece brass section for a gig. Long story but it was great! xx.
My mom revealed what a phycologist told her about my dad.
I was about 12 at the time. The phycologist asked me how I felt about my parents. I replied that "I loved them " the phycologist told my parents that I hated them! Fortunately I guit going to him. The liar!
About the whole process of going to a school phycologist as a child is traumatizing. The other children call you crazy etc.
It was a trend back in the 60's for young teachers to view every child as a phycology project.
My grandfather said it best. He would have none of it! He said " the boy ain't crazy "
I'm just alot of girly!
Fran 🥰
@rebeccabaxter You might say that I am the antithesis of what you described. I never had many big ambitions, didn't get any formal education, didn't drive myself on important things. I married young to a Panamanian mother 18 years older than me and, as I describe it, it lasted 121 months.
It wasn't others who held me back. Could my parents have guided me better, though? You bet and I wish that they had, but they just "let me go along". I didn't get drive in anything until it was too late to make a big difference. My fault. It's all water under a bridge now, so I try to make a difference for other people nowadays.
@rebeccabaxter Two lessons to be learnt here, the first, obviously...it's NEVER too late for anything and KUDOS to you, Becca, for "picking up where you left off"...I admire and envy you for this. The second, let's NOT repeat the mistake of previous generations...practicing "if you can't say something nice, then STFU" needs to be the rule, and not the exception, regardless of the age of who's saying it, and especially, who you are saying it too...it's really not that hard to be nice....the World needs to try it, more often, than not...!!!
I have read many of the responses here, and am left with a question: How did our fathers end up like they did - critical, insulting, demeaning, etc. Virtually no nurturing ability at all.
Was it being in WWII? And some of them were NOT in the war, and why not? Or, was it the Great Depression? Why were our parents so messed up that they "took it out" on their kids?
My 76-year-old sister recently remembered to me that as a little girl, with a fried playing jacks on the sidewalk, the other girl's father came home from work. Her friend ran to him and excitedly squealed, "Daddy!!" My sister told me, "And that's when I knew we were different."
@danikiss22 Boy Dani - now there’s a question I’ve never thought about but you’re right. That “greatest generation” sure fell way short in the nurturing and loving departments.
If I were to hazard a guess I would say it’s because they had it even worse with their own parents. And their parents for the most part went through the Great Depression for sure. Feelings, emotions were all pretty much kept to yourself. Men were manly and worked. Women stayed home and raised the kids. (While some of the boys snuck in the bathroom to try on their sisters underwear😊)
The anecdote about your sister’s friend made me think of when my dad came home from work. I would immediately tense up when he arrived. I would think: “Did he have a good day? Are we going to do a home project where I have to help? Did I do something I might get spanked for?”
Here was a guy who was a proud ex-Marine who operated heavy equipment for a living. He was all about bringing home the money while Mom raised 4 boys. His hero was John Wayne - to the extent that there was a big framed picture of him in our family room over the couch. He freaked out in the 70’s -when we were getting older and Mom wanted to go out in the work world herself. Which she did end up doing. He just kept working pretty much until he no longer could. Had no hobbies to speak of other than working on our house when he wasn’t working on the job. I knew he loved us because he worked so hard for us. But he was a harsh guy, especially with me as I was the oldest. Looking back now, I don’t know that I ever hugged him.
I used to talk about it with my Mom. I told her “Dad has always been the example for me of what not to do.” And she would agree, saying she probably should have divorced him but those things just weren’t done back then. And her life would have been hard trying to raise 4 boys on her own.
Great food for thought Dani. Brought back some memories for me. And as we get older, it’s all about the memories.
GP
@gracepal my upbringing was pretty similar Grace, so you have my sympathy and understanding. I have never recovered the confidence he battered out of me 😢 xx.
@chrisfp99 I was the opposite of you Chrissie. I loved my dad but I used him as the template for what not to do. If he thought I couldn’t do something -I figured I probably could do it better than him if I went for it.
This one's a bit back handed. I moved school when I was about 8. Apparently the school I'd left was such that my teacher bemoaned - in front of me - "oh , not another one from Temple Street!".
But that wasn't it that got me. I was actually very intelligent in IQ terms ( and I'll offset that immediately by confessing I also have the social intelligence of a snail).
And my teacher, bless her, noticed quite quickly and pronounced to the world, and my fellow classmates that I was one of the cleverest people she'd ever taught.
Arggh !!! The shrimp of the class, a "speccy four eyes" who had to take their glasses off to play rugby and football very badly, and now I'm the teachers super pet.
It really didn't help my social development. But, there you go, such is life. I'm pleased to say I can laugh about it now.
@rebeccabaxter So relatable! When I was young, I wanted to play the guitar. This was met with "You don't want to do that!" from my parents so it never happened. On the other hand, my father took up playing the violin at one point and we had to listen to him play...not well! It sounded like a cat fight! This is just an example. My parents were fine with being supportive of things as long as it fell within their own interests. I let them squash a lot of dreams over the years but I overcame it and actually did a few of the things that I really loved. Not to the extent that I would have liked if I had started younger but still, I did have some of the experiences I craved. They never had a clue about my crossdressing and their attitudes helped to instill the "values" that led to guilt that held me back for years. Now with help, I am comfortable with myself and living my life as I see fit.
@rebeccabaxter I had no real discouragement, but my birthday was September 3 so I started kindergarten the week before my 5th birthday. I always had good grades but because I was the youngest in my class I was somewhat intimidated by the older kids. So in my mind I put myself down and was always scared of putting myself out there for fear of being found less than the other older kids. I guess that is part of the reason I get started at a job and stick with it. 40 years at Target and 30 years at the Post office.
Cassie
I can not think of anything inparticular. I have always had the chance to try.just aboit anything, some of which I failed at, a few I excelled at and most where just average. The closest thing I can think of was I signed up for a senior level high scholl bology class as a sophomore. The instructor called me aside to inform me that it was a difficult class and that as a sophomore I probably would not be ready. I told him that I was and proceeded to beat out just about everyone else in the class.
@jjandme For some, a bit of negativity is a spur to prove them wrong, for others (like me, at the time) it sounds the death knell for ambition. I failed all my exams at school and left with no qialifications at all (I ws so, so lazy), however as I grew older I did more with myself and achieved all my ambitions in the end. My maths at school was abysmal but something sank in because I now have a Certificate in Mathematics from the Open University and half a degree in physics (I ran out of money when they added a nought to the end of the price of courses a few years ago and I had to give it up).
We all have different motivators, and respond to criticisms and praise differently. We change with time, so qe should never be discouraged. My brother was abysmal at school and ended up cleaning pools for a living and lived with druggy roommates. He was amazingly.talented, buy never applied himself until one day he just decided to follow his dreams. Ultimately he became an indusrial designer and dud well for himself. So, never give up.
For me it was kinda the same the music teacher told me I couldn't sing, after that I never sang where anyone was around. And like others the jackass my mom married after my real dad always told me how worthless I was and I would never amount to anything other then a ditch digger. As I got older I started to get a bit of confidence in my self back but then my x-wife was the same doing her best to put me down as often as she could, she would do the same to my daughters. I made sure to do my best to tell them every chance I could to tell them how great they are!!!!!!!
I just attended a wedding that the bride's father refused to attend. He I made at her for not coming into the family business.
She put herself through college and has a high level job. All on her own. She said her father never told her he was proud of her or encouraged her. Her mom whom she loved dearly had passed few years ago. Her brother and a couple of cousins attended her wedding.
Like us here she has more 'family ' from her work and friends plus her husband's family.
So glad that you are there for your daughters and you have found us here at CDH.
Your taking a sad past and spinning it to a Golden Future!
All the best to you Becky and your girls!
Fran 🥰
I've lost count of the times an 'authority figure' discouraged me from pursing the things I believed in. That held me back for years....and I toiled away in a series of low-paying technical jobs.
In my late twenties, co-workers at one of those jobs started coming to me for help with various issues. Senior staff were also asking for my help with some of their tasks. One day I asked my supervisor why he thought that was happening. He told me I was doing work above my pay grade and people were noticing. That eventually led to a small promotion and a big boost to my self-confidence.
In my 30's and 40's I made several career moves that took me to where I am today - running an IT department for a government agency.
I've learned to never settle for less than I deserve. Perseverance and resourcefulness. Screw the detractors. Make my own path.
HRT amps that to an 11.
/LK
@lizk I made some career moves. One of them resulted in a massive drop in salary but a magnitude of increase in job satisfaction as I went from running a multi-million dollar computer customer support department, to driving trucks; I talked about this before so I won't repeat myself. What I will say is that despite all my career advancements, I eventually succumbed to the Peter Principle and got promoted over and over until I got into a job I couldn't do, and there I stayed; total dissatisfaction, all the responsibility, none of the authority. A terrible position to be in and hence the last career change before I retired, twenty years later.
I've learned over the years that if you don't like the job, don't do it. But it takes courage (or crass foolhardiness) to dump a well-paid career just because it's not nice. However, you have to remember that you only get one life, so you might as well enjoy it. You can earn a lot, but you can't take it with you in the end.
@rebeccabaxter I walked away from a very well-paid job. I handed my notice in on my 45th birthday, did my 3 month's notice and was gone. The best thing I ever did but it took a nudge from a dear friend and my wife telling me to leave that did it. I hated it there, and stuck it out for the money and the very good package which took someone else to show me that I needed to get my life back.
That was 8 years ago and I have not once regretted it.
Anna xx
I agree with you Becca and @annaredhead. I've walked away from jobs I was dissatisfied with. No amount of money is worth staying in a job you hate doing.
The job I'm doing now has been the best gig of my career. I got a ton of satisfaction from it. But I freely admit that I'm ready to walk away from doing something I loved doing for many years.
Partly it's a desire to 'retire'....which means working far less than I do now. And partly it's this journey I'm on (being trans). My focus now is our community. I get much more satisfaction from the work I do for my fellow sisters than I do from my tech career.
It's time for a change.
/LK
@lizk I love what I do now and it is effectively my retirement project. It's hard work, but great fun and it's mine. I'm my own boss, social media person, accountant, worker, secretary, sales person, cleaner, post deliverer, etc
Best of all, if I want to work from home en-femme, or have a day off for a girly day, I can,
Anna xx
School interactions was never a problem. School was a refuge. But what I was told at home by my mother was that when I came along, they were hoping for a girl. They had me doing the laundry from about 5th grade on up, including in high school taking it all to the laundromat on Saturdays. I remember different time my dad made a point of it to send me out in public to do the family laundry while my classmates were playing football or fishing. There were other frequent but minor emasculating events, and maybe a naturally masculine boy would shake them off or rebel if he wanted to. I didn't. There I was, a full-grown young man, a high school senior, and I never resisted the womanly chores. I wasn't made that way, and today being a trans woman seems natural and comfortable. Those events, I think, help me today to understand "look how naturally and easily you submitted, Dani. Being female is simply your thing."
Dani
The one thing I remember as a child, my mother was never happy with my performance in school, just a C average. One day we were outside, I do not remember what I did wrong, but my mother stated you will never amount to anything. Our neighbor who was a doctor, heard my mom. (He was someone I worked for, for many years.) He looked at my mother and stated, you do not need to worry about him, he will make it, because he knows how to work. That statement has resonated in my mind still today. Two college degrees and a master's in business and 40 years in manufacturing. Never did reach a level of her appreciation, but I always loved Doc. I think I made it.
Lynne
As the youngest sibling, I was constantly judged against how well the older 2 did or what they liked and I went through life thinking approval would never be achieved and I stopped seeking it. I've lived for half my life the opposite end of the country to my family (originally to follow a career, after ending that career to live in my happy place).
I'm already the black sheep, so if I ever did tell any of my family that I crossdress, that would really be it.
Anna xx
Hi Becca,
I was told all i would be is factory fodder, and that is what i was, I just worked in one factory after another, I didn't even leave school with any qualifications,
Hugs Roz 
Good topic Becca. First of all, I could never be detrimentally affected by someone else’s words. They’re just words, they can’t do anything. I control my life.
That said, I went to work in sales for a company in 1983. 100% commission selling, no guarantee, no gas allowance, nothing. You only eat what you can kill.
My Dad told me:”You need to find a real job. With a nice hourly wage or a salary.” I told him I wanted to try sellling.
I’d been with the company 2 weeks. I had to drive each week to Sacramento for a sales meeting. The 3rd week I went, my sales manager took me aside and said - “Did you notice the guy in the back of the room at last week’s meeting?” I had not. “Well, he noticed you and asked if you were the new rep for the valley. I said you were. He then said, that new guy’s never gonna make it in sales, he’s got zero personality.”
To say the least - I was a bit taken aback by his comment. I asked my manager - Am I getting fired? He said no, but if I were you I’d do something to impress him. And quickly.
Long story short, I was with that company for 37 years until I retired. I won every sales award they offered. Every free trip. Hit every bonus they had. I still have the record for total sales for one month and total sales for one year. I outlasted that President and 3 more of his successors. I never missed a day of work, since there were no sick days. Needless to say, I proved him wrong many times over.
Alas, he will never know this. But it doesn’t matter because I always will!😊
I think this topic does tie in a little bit with crossdressing in regards to confiding your secret to your SO. They may be 100% supportive, accepting but not too thrilled or downright against it. But my guess is that somehow you will find a way to be successful at it. Where there is a will there is a way.🥰
GP
@gracepal Well said, Grace.
I've had two careers. In the first one, I was at the top when I quit and went in a completely new direction. I told my parents at age 13 that I would someday do something incredibly unique that many people worldwide would acknowledge. At fifty-two years old, I started my journey to achieve that childhood dream, and today, I'm at the top of my field a second time. I'm sorry, but I can't reveal more about what I do. Life as a cross-dresser can have severe consequences for retaining one's occupation.
The bottom line is that success for me is ninety percent believing in myself when all others doubt. The hardest part was turning a deaf ear to anyone who told me I wasn't smart or good enough. We all deserve everything we desire in life, no matter our age. I say, go for it!
Lisa Ann
My father was terrible on me and I was never the athlete my younger brother was. I was always fn crazy to him. I had a few coaches over the years that didn’t play me and never explained why. I was not terrible. I wasn’t the star either but slipped through all the cracks. That made me pursue a degree in education. Although it was a job I took pride in it was not a great job for me to be financially successful
In jest... When told my hand writing was terrible my primary school headmaster, quoted the famous Australian poet Banjo Patterson , "I think the same was written with a thumbnail dipped in tar".
I've used that as an excuse for my bad handwriting ever since.
As for my parents. All they ever did was encourage me to "have a go" and they in turn throughout their lives did exactly the same thing. (Tho when I got caught in my mothers clothes, I was told I had to stop doing that.....)
Between them and my brother and myself, we built a very successful small manufacturing small business. Sold out over 20 years ago and here I sit in my "dotage" enjoying the "fruits of our labours"
Caty.
@ryanpaul Ooh, are you rich then? I'd never thought of setting myself up as a kept cross-dresser! 
Too late Becca, "Male me" has had to "keep Caty in the manner to what she has been accustomed" for decades!! And let me reassure you, she has expensive tastes..EG as the Australian summer arrives, she sleeps in pure silk nighties. cami's and french knickers.
A run through my articles and photos here on CDh will "reveal all"
Caty.
I never was ambitious and did okay at school which seemed to keep me from any degrading comments from teachers. Reports often said there wasn't the push to do better, which seemed to be the opinion of a few teachers. I did better in subjects I enjoyed. I was good and bad which got praise and the cane, was bullied a bit and took the knocks. One thing that helped my C.D. instincts was being able to dress up in play time and also when appearing as a fairy in a school play in a dress my mother made which was worn again at a fancy dress parade.
I loved writing and my English teacher tried hard for me to get the grammar right and structure my writing, I always wrote from the hip which frustrated him. In later years writing reports became part of my job. The odd thing is that years later his voice came through and had me correcting things and have had articles published and am even in the throes of writing that book everyone has in them.
It was good and bad but still set me up for life and in reflecting back I could have done better but overall am happy where I am and wouldn't change a thing as if I did would I now be living full time.
@ab123 I love proper writing. I am mortified if I post anything in which there is a spelling or grammar error. My Whatsapp and text messages never use any short forms and I include capitals and the full range of punctuation marks where necessary. My skin crawls when I hear somene say "could of" and if I see someone has actually it written down, I become practically incandescent!
I wrote a book once but it is fetish in nature and only published on less salubrious websites, however, I like to think that whatever the subject matter, the grammar is correct. 🙂
@rebeccabaxter Yeah, I try to be careful with my writing, too. (See what I did there? 😄)
I go over my posts to get rid of what would annoy me and, presumably, others.
@rebeccabaxter I agree with you over grammar. I've spent much of my life writing reports which are of dry subjects but require clear and precise grammar. I also make sure my spelling is correct and would always do so even on a text message. Whilst all languages evolve as new words are created, their structure fundamentally does not.
I don't mind new words at all, as you say, language evolves all the time; even the rules we have can be interpreted differently dependent upon nationality, dialect, etc. What grates on my sense of language is when the rules are not just bent, not broken, but completely shredded: The above mentioned 'could of' or 'would of' (what on Earth could these actually mean?!), my personal bugbear 'for free' ('free' is not a quantity) and yes, the oft-quoted '10 items or less' from the supermarkets. I can go on: 'different to' instead of the correct, 'different from'; the correct use of they're, there and their; similarly, you're and your.
The Pedants' Revolt was led by Which Tyler.
@rebeccabaxter This was drummed into us at primary school. I do wonder if grammar, spelling and creative writing are still taught.
All three of us children{myself,younger sister and younger brother} were taught my the Dominican Nuns.They were fearsome creatures,{think Jake and Elwoods Nun Principal} and could do no wrong according to my Mom and Dad.I was a quiet boy and in the 6th grade and the nun is walking around the room and she stepped up alongside me and smacked me in the head.In a moment of defiance I asked why and was told"you had that look on your face,save it up until you do something".Needless to say for the rest of the year,when she was walking ,I was watching.She finally got the message ,nothing was said,but she knew that I knew and it never happened again.
Nevertheless, in those days, there was discipline in schools since the threat of the cane or detention were always there. One of our geography teachers used to hurl the board rubber (the chalk board rubber, made of felt and wood) or pieces of chalk at a talkative pupil. Try that these days and the teacher would find themselves in court; pupils know this, they know they can't be touched and that makes them far too bold and unmanageable.
Heavens Becca, you are so old-fashioned; just listen to yourself!
@rebeccabaxter putting matchheads in the board rubber was very successful revenge. Or with those rolling blackboards putting a couple of board rubbers down the back and waiting.
@rebeccabaxter putting matchheads in the board rubber was very successful revenge. Or with those rolling blackboards putting a couple of board rubbers down the back and waiting.
You were evil! Why weren't you at MY school?!
