Coming out???

Well Karla, I know how not to tell. when I told my wife I came out dressed in a sexy teddy, don't do that! Talk to her, it's not something that comes up in most conversations but I'm sure you can ease into it but be ready for the barrage of questions that will follow and be honest. Remember the truth is always easier to remember than a lie.

Sherri

Karla, what you ask is a hard thing to give advice on. You know yourself and your fiance the best. Are deep into your CD. How do you REALLY think your fiance will react. For almost all of us here our CD is something that always comes back if we try to put it away/aside. I assume you are intending on a life time with your SO and so it would be only right if your SO knew ahead of time . So sounds like the 2 of you need to have some DEEP heart to heart conversations.

. Cassie

According to your introduction, you are new to crossdressing. My recommendation would be to take things slowly, do some introspection and make some sort of plan that fits your situation with your fiancée. Coming out to her before your wedding is something that you should consider, to respect her.

Are you aware of whether she has any idea at all right now that you are dressing?

Communication will be key for Karla and fiancée.

A few years ago, I was walking to a food store. Out of the blue, I caught up to a young man who just got off a phone call. This stranger started a conversation with me about a relationship issue with the woman he was going to meet at the next corner. Maybe it was my honest face, but he asked me what he should do. I will repeat here what I told him.

Communication is key. If you can't talk things through, it will blow up in your face.

My advice is to tell her before you tie the knot.

What should you should say? How should you tell her?

Think of how you would want to be told. Then, do that.

Marriage is adjustments. You will have to adjust to her stuff, too. Harriette is right about communication. Are you in some sort of marriage prep program? Perhaps you could find one that’s experienced in helping in our situation. Maybe one of the other Aussie girls know of one.

Just be honest with her. My wife had known of my love for pantyhose since we started dating but I waited years to come clean that I actually was a crossdresser. And yes don’t come out to her dressed. Find the right time and have a nice chat with her about it.

My two pennies worth - certainly do not do it when dressed. Try to raise the topic slowly. Tell her about it in a reassuring why - try to empathise with how she hears what you say and how she feels. Try to let her talk and ask questions as much as possible - and answer everything honestly.
The biggest issue I had was that my wife felt that I had not been honest with her and wondered if there were other things that I had not been honest about.
It is always going to be difficult, and will need time, no little girl grows up imagining that she will live with a crossdresser.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.

It's tough to give advice on a topic such as this as there are so many variables to consider and assumptions the reader can make.

For whatever reason you want to tell your fiance my only thought is that no matter how much she is LGBTQ+ aware and has friends in the community do not take it as read that she will accept your crossdressing, I know from experience.

It is one thing to be a friend of the community but having a partner that is a crossdresser is another matter. Friends, family, co workers are those that you see every day can be overtly accepting but do not share intimacy and your private life with, this can be a dividing line. I say this as a caution but it is good that you want to do this and honesty is the best policy. Maybe test the waters in conversation and if the chat is in this area mention that you heard a friend of a friend came out to his partner that he crossdressed, something she didn't know before,well you can see what I am saying here, progress conversation to sound her out. If she rejects the notion out of hand then you will have to make some decisions. However there are many positive outcomes within these forums so don't take this as a negative post.

As said this is a cautionary tale and say that honesty IS the best policy to stop any angst or hurt in the future should the relationship go further without her knowing. I told one partner early in a relationship as I knew how positive she was towards diversity which was part of her job, the relationship ended there and then, no discussion. Another accepted it but could not see it working within the relationship, we had long discussions but it wasn't to be, although we remain good friends to this day.

I wish you well Karla and as things are better for us girls these days I hope yours has a happy conclusion.

This is a huge step to take in any relationship. But one that is very necessary if you hope to establish a long-term, loving relationship. It's important to be honest, as scary as that may sound.

As to how to do it, I think the best way is to set up a relaxed atmosphere at home with just the two of you. Perhaps some wine & cheese. Start a conversation going about just about anything. As the words flow, then tell her you've got something very important to tell her.

Her first thought might be that you are very ill, or that you want to break up with her. So, lead off with that. Tell her first that you're not ill, and that you really, really love her. Then lead in with hoping that she can accept this part of you and go on to describe your dressing activity.

You should probably end that with a statement that you are not gay and no, you don't want to be a woman, assuming that is true.

You owe it to both of you to be honest in your relationship. It can only help.

I’m shepherding a section on TGH specifically dealing the Coming Out process, but it is early days yet…

First, be prepared.  Sit down, think about and write down what this means to you, anticipate the questions she will inevitably ask and the truthful answers you will provide.  Practice aloud  if you find it hard to get the words out.   But don’t give her a letter or worse yet a text or email.   Do this in person in a quiet place.

I would advise getting to the point in one sitting.   Don’t hint around the subject.  And then invite her questions and give your answers.   I don’t know is a perfectly legitimate answer, btw.   If it goes well, be grateful and don’t linger on the subject longer than necessary.   She can ask more questions later.

If it goes badly, give her space and time to deal with her shock (assuming she is shocked) or her anger (assuming she might be angry)   Don’t try to talk her out of her feelings.  Just let her know your feelings for have not changed and that your are willing to listen to her concerns.

That's been my experience, as well, Angela. My wife has some trans friends & she wholeheartedly supports them & their choices. Not so much when it involves her husband.

Also, it isn’t a good idea to read your notes to the other person as it may come off as something that you read somewhere. In other words, it may give the sense that the thoughts are not your own.

Don’t get drawn into an argument. That isn’t good for either of you. Also, if you are arguing, you are not thinking.

Listen. Pay attention to what is being said.

You may be asked why are you transgender or what made you transgender. At this point in time, there is no definitive answer. However, there is a strong suggestion that we are born as we are. It isn’t something that happens after we are born. In other words, we do not “become”, we already “are”.