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Being on the younger age of the dating spectrum I don't know if it would easier or harder for me to have an SO who would accept me for this hobby. I'm 21 and do not planned on getting married until I am financially stable and have been on my own for a a while. I've had difficulty finding a Female SO that would suite me. When trying to the right SO, do I bother ever mentioning this hobby to them or do I wait til it gets more serious?
This is a quote from 'Skirting Gender' by Vera Wylde:
‘In my mind this is a third date conversation. On the first date it’s all the surface stuff: what you do for a living, what movies you like, your favourite colour etc. Second dates will usually start to dig a little deeper: family history, dating history, plans for the future. Third dates are when people tend to tackle the more touchy things that could be deal breakers: religion, politics, and whether or not they want children. I feel that cross dressing is a third date conversation because most of us don’t want to just go around telling everybody in the first few minutes “I wear dresses”. Also, if you announce this too soon you risk that being how the other person defines you. You want to give them a chance to get to know you as a more complete person first.’
At the moment, your dressing seems to be limited to crossplay/cosplay. You can legitimately claim that it's just an aspect of an intriguing hobby. From that point of view, introducing it into a 'third date' conversation might be more straightforward than it would be for many of us.
Hugs
Ellie x
@eric555 I recommend early disclosure. You do not want to have a lot invested in a relationship doomed to eventual failure.
@eric555 Because you are transitioning with HRT you have more going on than just crossdressing.
When your future date finds out about your transitioning, then that sounds like an appropriate time to add in that you crossdressing is part of that process for you.
Hi Erica,
I didn’t tell my wife early on, but I was probably in denial. I hadn’t indulged in dressing very much, but I knew I was interested. I guess I thought I would suppress it forever unless I got a night security job in a department store. She discovered a receipt three years after we were married and five years after meeting. We were a long distance couple, so I even had the safety of not having the same group of friends. I honestly never even considered sharing now that I think of it. I bought one item before we were married and living apart. I sent it back after trying it on, knowing that I would be discovered if I kept it.
I agree completely with the advice to reveal this (I would probe her or his feelings at teachable moments when the topic comes up in the news.You can invent a friend whose husband crossdresses and gauge the reaction. ) My wife was devastated and still is 18 years later. I don’t think telling her early would have led to us staying together, but the truth is I didn’t give her the autonomy to decide on her own life’s journey.
When and if you reveal to someone, realize if they are accepting that you are probably more excited about your dressing than she or he will ever be. My wife asked a lot of leading questions and I probably over-promised my self into oaths I couldn’t keep. Take the angle that you are always willing to talk about it, but that he or she shouldn’t feel rushed to do anything that includes your dressing until she or he is ready. Go slow with trying to incorporate it into sex or revealing how exciting that is for you. Lingerie is probably out for a while.
I didn’t understand why I wanted to crossdress then, or now for that matter.
If I could go back, I would say something like cross dressing for me seems to be a mechanism for achieving balance internally and softening the hard edges of masculinity. Because it was so taboo, the most masculine thing about cross dressing is how brave you need to be to do it. It’s a beautiful part of me that I want to share because I want you to know me completely. It’s also incredibly fun at times, probably because it is so taboo and because the image in the mirror is such a shocking stranger and a familiar friend simultaneously.
Love, Melinda
@eric555 please do yourself a favor. Be honest and open from the beginning. You will save yourself and your partner truckloads of hurt. You may be hard pressed to find a woman who is open with your crossdressing, but I found out it is better to walk through life alone than to hirt someone you loved.
Seeing that a lot of members here I have interacted with on CDH seem to be on the mature side and might be knowledgeable on this subject.
@eric555 Life is so much happier and better with a loving partner to share it with. But unless you are both willing to totally love each other, surrender to each other and sacrifice for each other it wont work. You must be willing to die to yourselves and be reborn as a couple.
Hi Erica! I would firstly guess that many of the girls on the 'mature side' (me included) probably did it the other way around - the dating, THEN the dressing (or more accurately the telling of the dressing).
I would strongly advise you to be upfront with this information. It doesn't have to be the first thing you bring up, of course. I told my current GF almost as soon as I felt that the relationship had some real possibilities for being long term. How you disclose that info is naturally up to you. It really depends on your comfort level with it. My advice would be to just bring it up, like you'd bring up that you like fishing or bowling or whatever. Let her ask questions and answer them as honestly as you can.
Will some women dismiss you out of hand? Probably. Would you want to get in a long term relationship with them only to find that out later? Categorically not. So, really you're just saving everyone time and heartache by vetting them thoroughly.
Now, their reaction could be anything from tolerance to enthusiastic support - you might like fishing and she might hate fishing, but she's happy to let you enjoy fishing. Then again, you might find out she loves fishing! However, I can guarantee you that there is someone out there for you, so don't sell yourself short, girl. 😉
Happy hunting!
Thank you very much for these statements and ideas. I also am curious to meet someone similar to my nature with crossplay. I gave had a little desire to cross dress but not sure if actually will someday.
Erica, I agree with Melodee. Obviously I am not a relationship expert/professional, but if you think that the person you are dating will potentially lead to a long term relationship, it is only fair to them, and indeed you, that you tell them.
Aspects like crossdressing can be difficult for ourselves, and only much more so for a potential partner. We all know crossdressing is a very misunderstood thing, it does not hurt anyone, it does not define our gender or sexuality, but people will assume things about us, so best to tell sometime early in the relationship.
if they are not told but find out, there are often issues of trust and fear, so honesty (at the right time*) is usually the most prudent way to go.
And indeed, as Melodee said, tell them initially, don’t just appear as Erica one day. Give them time to digest the facts, answer all their questions honestly, give them as much time as they need and never commit to a promise you can’t keep, like you will stop crossdressing.
*When is the right time? That is difficult to say, it depends on the discretion of the other person and how you feel about each other.
But you are right, there are many mature ladies on this site (myself included) and we are less familiar with the virtual world that young people inhabit, it may be easier to ‘talk’ about these and other intimate things online first. Maybe potential partners would prefer that.
It won’t be easy, but you seem like a responsible and caring young lady, so you are already on the right path. Be brave, be positive, I am sure you will find the right, understanding (hopefully supportive) partner.
I hope things go well for you and remember we are always here to lend an ear and share what advice we can.
Hugs
Christine
I was totally honest with my wife when we were dating about crossdressing. It is a very important part of who I am, I will never stop and I will not hide it from a partner. Life is much too short to give up something that means so much to me and to live life in the shadows. I could never quit and pretend to be someone other than myself opening up is the only way and it will make your life much happier.
I agree completely with Melodee. And, like many others among us, I did it the wrong way round.
When I began dating my CD urge vanished. Being young I naively thought it gone for good because I had the love of a real woman. But we all know that "once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser". The urge returned, but by then I'd married two years. I confessed to my wife, and it didn't go well. Nowadays I dress without her knowing... or so I believe. She may suspect, but deals with it by choosing to ignore it, as though it doesn't happen.
As others have said, be up front from the start. Don't wait until it's too late.
I waited 50 years to tell my wife, glad I did. Senior couples are generally secure in their relationship and can weather the storms of life . My wife is far from participating, but understands I didn’t ask to be this way, and the love we have creates tolerance.
It's been a year since I've been on the forum. I've been transitioning from Male to Female since December. I've been comfortable cross dressing more now. I do not present feminine in public yet. I've been on HRT for 2 months and am enjoying it so far.
this hobby
Hi Erica
Knowing what I now know, if you were my younger self, I would have been grateful to have had the advice given here. Ellie’s quote from Vera Wylde, together with Melodee and Christine’s advice, they capture everything I wish had known back then (I first started dating my now wife when we were 15). The only extra advice I would give you is ask yourself is this really just a ‘hobby’, for hobbies can come and go, dressing always comes back, at least to everyone on CDH it has; myself too, I couldn’t suppress it, so it is most likely quite a bit more than a hobby.
There are so many nuggets of golden advice on here, so I really recommend walking through as many as you can as soon as you can - there’s a star technique you can note useful posts and articles. Dressing has defined my life and many others here. A bit of knowledge and understanding has got to be a good thing.
Good luck.
In my case I got into a relationship at 20, with a guy, and he was accepting, supportive and encouraging from the start. I told him that I dressed when we started dating and when things got more serious is when I told him that I wore lingerie. I imagine it's much more stressful when dating a girl to wonder if she'd be accepting which is one of the many reasons I wanted to be with a guy. My advice would be if CD'ing means a lot to you that honesty is the best policy, be upfront before dating gets really serious.
Please be upfront about your crossdressing.This IS a third date conversation done with honesty and respect for the other person.Get it over with sooner than later.
