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My marriage is failing. It is quite probable that my dressing is a major contributing reason. I suspect it isn’t the whole or main reason though. So, I have determined to stop, to try to eliminate it from the factors. Apologies if I use the wrong words, I mean no harm or offence to upset dressers who have found honest support and acceptance from their SOs or family/friends etc. But the attraction of silk and nylon and everything else which has gradually become part of my every minute is so strong, I am struggling to fulfil my determination. Excuse me if I liken it to phrases you often hear alcoholics (or narcotic abusers) use, but I am now almost 4 days ‘sober’. My build up of unisex but female clothing (black ribbed tops best example) is so extensive and my drawers are laced with tights in amongst my socks, bras peeping out from underneath my shirts and dresses and skirts, my ‘previous’ life is just there in front of me, almost crying, calling me back. I am hurting, like a user withdrawing from substance or alcohol abuse.
I wrote a long piece on my wall yesterday to provide more context on my life, my marriage, the current highs and lows, if you would like to know more.
In it, I apologised for my self-centred possible domination of certain forums in the last 4 weeks that I have been on CDH. It was wrong of me, whatever the context was. I apologise.
Lastly, my thanks to those who have shown empathy and support. It is truly appreciated and valued, and given the opportunity, I will try to repay your kindness and understanding and help and concern. x
@valentina16 Hello Valentina! I'm sorry you're having trouble with your marriage. And I understand how crossdressing can affect relationships.
To answer your question about stopping the crossdressing, it only works for a short while! And then comes back! There is no set amount of time. But it can be a never ending story!
Now for the other part of this issue. You don't need to answer me as such, but I would like you to think about being able to do this with your wife. Could you sit down with her and have a chat about the marriage and get her side of the real story as to why things aren't so good between you two? To me, it seems you are not totally sure what the issue is, from what you have said so far. Once you know the issue, it should help to be able to maybe work it out and make things better. And maybe not. But real communication is key to understanding what is actually going on with everything we do. Plus it can bring you closer together as well. If you think your marriage is worth saving and you want to, give it a try. And or maybe see a marriage counselor.
I really hate to see a couple split up! So I'm just throwing all this out there and maybe saying too much, If so, I'm sorry. But I wanted to say something. I had a rough spot with my wife once, and we worked it out by talking more. Really opening up to each other after being together for 30 years. It worked and we're a lot closer and better! We go out on a girls night out every month and it's a lot of fun. So this is all just stuff to think about and maybe try. I really wish you the best with this. Take care!! Hugs, Steffanie
- @stanley Thank you, sincerely Steffanie. I can (will) only share so much in public, but yes, we have talked and talked and talked and talked. Sometimes just round and round in circles. Because our can has been kicked down the road so many times, I set myself a ‘deadline’ of 31 March, perhaps quite coldly, that if we had not seen the signs of a real honest green shoot of recovery, I would review the situation and possibly either just suck it up or seek divorce. Life is just too precious, both hers and mine, it could be in both our interests to spend the rest of our lives apart. I have had personal therapy, 6 gargantuan sessions where I poured (nay spewed) out a lifetime of trauma (at 67, who hasn’t had such!) and I think I maxed her out. She too came to the conclusion that I/we needed couples therapy, and I know we do. The thing is, I did not mention my dressing to my therapist, partly through shame, partly because I thought she may not have the specialist training, and partly because I did not want the other issues being overshadowed by my dressing. So instead of looking for a face-to-face human being therapist, I sought out CDH, and it has truly helped speaking with likeminded souls. If you have time, please see my very long posting yesterday on my wall, it explains a lot lot more. So, in my simple mind, logically I needed to eliminate my dressing as a troublesome factor in our marriage (52 years, 44 married is too much to discard lightly, 3 kids, loads of lovely grandkids, her lovely family, I have no family of my own), so that we have space to address the rest. That’s where I am now. Perhaps I am being too logical. I have tried hugs, leaps of faith kisses, and whilst we had a reprieve, the toxicity returned just the same a few days later. Sad and confusing. x
@valentina16 Hi VV. I believe that if you haven't told your therapist everything, then you haven't told your therapist anything. Since you already have a lot invested with this therapist, I think you should give them a chance to know all of it before seeking anyone "more qualified". Not all therapists will advertise or present themselves as gender qualified, but that doesn't mean they don't have the chops. I would imagine that there are therapists who don't want to be know as gender therapists because they think it would be a stigma on their practice. Unless you have strong reason to believe your therapist is anti-transgender I think you should build off all of the time and information you have already invested in this therapist if possible.
As for whether or not you can stop dressing or not, only you can decide that. I spent over 30 years doing a hard job that I didn't like very much, and made many life choices that I wouldn't have made if I didn't have children or if I was single at the time. I made the choices and lived with them. Some times we just do what we feel is best not just for ourselves but for those we love regardless of how we feel.
I believe couples therapy at this point, could only help. If nothing else it might give you and your wife a venue to speak about things in a way that you can't bring yourselves to say when it is just the two of you talking. Perhaps you feel you have said all that there is to say, but it is possible that she hasn't. Give her the opportunity at couples therapy.
I hope you can work things out with your wife. I know my GLW (good lady wife) means more to me than anything.
Big big hugs,
Autumn
if you haven't told your therapist everything, then you haven't told your therapist anything
Autumn, you have truly made me stop and think. TY. I could use the excuse that two other potential therapists did know (I told them in full, everything) and they said they couldn’t help me. Plus others had no availability. I was keen to at least address some items, and it did, most certainly. I think your post has provided amongst the best help, ty.
@valentina16 I was about to suggest therapy, but read that you have already explored that route. It might be wise to bring your CD feelings into your therapy and let your therapist work that into consideration???
I,myself am 70 and flying down the Trans/CD road maybe to fast.
Hope you and your wife can find the way that is best for both of you.
Cassie
@loneleycd Yes, ty, Cassie. My friends here are coming up trumps (am I allowed to say that?!) with suggestions and angles which just hadn’t occurred to me in my little CD microcosm. I am so grateful to everyone. The site does truly ‘work’. 💚
Q: when you say too fast, do you mean too fast for your partner?
@valentina16 When I said to fast I meant that maybe I should slow down and think about moving to the next step. I don't want to completely destroy my relationship with my kids, to some extent the rest of the world be dammed.
Cassie
Valentina -
CDH is a support site for the CD/TG community. As such, your topic is relevant and worth discussing. Many of our members can relate to what you are experiencing.
In my experience, it is not possible to stop crossdressing. You may be able to stop for a while. Months or years even. But it always comes back. I believe we are wired this way. Probably from birth. Quitting is akin to denying who we really are. As you are finding, the need to be yourself grows stronger the longer you ignore it. I would offer that ignoring your need to dress is unhealthy.
I crossdressed in secret for decades because it was the only outlet I had. I went thru countless purge cycles. I hated myself for needing what I needed. But deep down, I always knew that this is who I am. And I knew that someday I would need to come to terms with my denial.
I had a breakdown ten years ago. Dark times. I knew I had to find a way to love myself or live a life that wasn't worth living. It meant being okay with my gender variance. It took years of gender therapy and self-discovery to fully embrace who I am. Today I am thriving.
I would encourage you to talk to an experienced gender therapist. And I think you need to find an equitable arrangement with your wife. Perhaps a weekend away every few months would work for both of you? The other things eating away at your marriage may actually improve once you have the freedom to be yourself.
Thanks for posting this. Good stuff.
Hugs,
Liz
@lizk ty Liz. First, I am sorry to hear of your breakdown, I hope you are now strong again. Everything you say makes sense. I’ve always had the view that dressing was undeniable. Like a King Canute I’m trying something impossible perhaps.
@valentina16 I'm very sorry you are feeling this way , it's such a hard situation.
as many others have said I also believe , based on the specialist counselling I have had and the research I've done that it's not something that can be just stopped , it will always be who you are .
my counsellor who has supported thousands of CDs and wives over the years told me even those who wanted to stop he's never succeeded, what he has done instead is to help them to put in place 'coping mechanisms' to help control it so it doesn't takeover their lives.
I found that info and his views very interesting and it helped me so much as a wife to come to terms with what this is.
if your wife would get her own specialist counsellor this may help hugely , however it is down to whether or not she / you want to save the marriage , if you want it to work then you gotta do the work I suppose.
I have been through a divorce and although it was tough , it was the best for me and for my ex in the end and we are both much happier now with new partners so I don't think divorce is necessary a bad thing if that's how it ends up going.
i sincerely wish you happiness and hope you and your wife find the best path for you both & I am glad you are here and have support 🌈💕
@bellaz76 ty Laura. I don’t know if I’m slightly off balance (I probably am), but as an outsider looking into what’s happening to me, to us, it’s almost interesting, objectively. On the inside looking out though it’s not much fun and taking its toll. But it’s early days and I have had much worse trauma. Thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts and kindness. I am listening.
Slight update; first thank you already for many supporting hugs, always appreciated, and sharing your experiences, with both dressing (or trying to stop it) and how this impacted on your relationships. It is helpful, ty.
I think I might have found the greatest therapy though, my 5 year grandson sat nuzzled into my side as we watch BFG dvd. It’s beautiful, actually 1000 times more enjoyable and special than any dressing, for me at least 💚
@valentina16 Hi Valentina.
I am very sorry to read about your situation. I guess my feeling is that in the end you have to be true to yourself and whatever will make you happy. I sincerely hope that you can find peace and happiness as soon as possible.
Hugs, Wendy
@wendye47 thanks Wendy. In truth many people go through a thousand times worse. It’s just in this instance, I am trying to eliminate dressing from my equation. Sorry my dear wardrobe, ‘twas good while it lasted 😔
This is the tragic reality of being what I'd call, in the middle. Not exclusively "male" but also not female in the wrong body. Lots of us, but I'm speaking for myself here, have discovered, often later in life, that we have two real and valid sides to our personalities.
In isolation, that needn't cause any problems but we don't live in isolation, we share our lives with those we care for. Society, encouraged by a media that only publish stories in a manner that suits their agenda of sowing division and suspicion, insists that we are "wrong", therefore most of us feel forced into hiding, denying and suppressing much of who we are. The replies to even just this topic show how unhealthy this can be and the same is seen in lots of posts across the forums.
There's no need to apologise for comparing the effects of denying our need to express our feminine sides with the effects of alcohol or substance withdrawal. The only difference I can see is that we choose to use alcohol or other "relaxants", we don't choose to be who we are. We can only choose whether and how we express it.
I hope you can take some comfort from being part of this family, there are members who almost never get the chance to truly express themselves outside of here but being here helps and their contributions are valued and welcomed.
Whatever you decide, know that you can be who you want to be here, among understanding friends.
Allie x
@alexina Thanks Allie. Sunday afternoon here, watching BFG and Home Alone with my grandkids - him/her upstairs have their eye on me I think x
@valentina16 Based on the experience of other CDH members recounted here, would you (or both of you) be willing and able to go to an appropriate therapist or counselor? Good communication with your wife is crucial.
If your wife won't deal with what is bothering or upsetting her, then you will have to go it alone. Maybe that will be enough to keep your marriage working, maybe it won't. Without her cooperation and participation, though, it may get rough.
Sorry to say but most times the urge to dress never goes away and many have purged their stash of girl things and clothings just to build a new stash when they can't withstand the urge to dress again. Ive lived hidden in a 10 year long relationship and she never knew but the urge never disappeared even though I never really dressed all those years after ten years when I was on my own it felt like freedom. That was more than 30 years ago.
@valentina16 Valentina, I’ve dressed on and off all my life since I was 12, honestly, it never goes away. I’ve learned to control my desires by dressing only a small amount, more androgynously, settling for the little wins, like wearing panties 24/7. I’m truly blessed to be married to an amazing lady, who doesn’t want me any other way then as her man. I know that and I won’t ever destroy what we have… so Jo stays for the most part , away in the closet. I’m sorry you are in such a tough spot, there is nothing I can say, that hasn’t been said here before me, my thoughts are with you!! Hugs, big hugs… jo
@joannajoy Thank you my friend. We had hugs tonight and broached the subject along with the other factors we are grappling with. It helps that I come to her with clean hands, no dressing , as my commitment to her. I think we are making headway. I know I love her. That’s most important. x
@valentina16 I’m excited to hear this!! Family has to always be number one, that’s how I see it… keep on talking it thru… hugs my friend!! You got this
@joannajoy Thank you. I may well have. It’s early days of course, so I still have my defences, guarding myself, as anyone would, as anyone should. The first goal is to eliminate physical dressing (for I still imagine it) so it doesn’t get in the way of us talking about the other things in our marriage. At least for a given while. Then, if the talking bears any credible hope and mutual desire to move forward together, we will seek couples therapy, or whatever therapy we or I decide. Someone here suggested I (possibly we) need help with anxiety, and they could be right, I’m still processing. In truth, I have resolved to the hardship of splitting, that it may be in both our interests, I just want to be sure, as sure as I can, that we are making the right decision, for each of us that is. Alongside all this, I now have the ghost of dressing, like an amputee who can still feel their missing leg, or their arm is itching, and there is no arm there. It’s helping me understand the desire, that my head doesn’t just want to dress, subconsciously I am perhaps returning to the comfort of a female womb, and clothes are a bump-bump-bump heartbeat. But I’m rambling. Thank you Joanna for tuning into my journey, it really does help. And, if I can return any help to you or others, I have the bandwidth to at least try. x
@valentina16 I feel your pain to a degree. I met now wife when my girl side was dormant. I never brought it up. So when situations led to my rebound I felt it wouldn’t be fair to bring up my dressing urges. I dress when I can to keep myself sane. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop again. You need to figure out what’s best for you. Can you secretly dress and be satisfied? Or do you need to let things play out to the end of your marriage? It’s tough.
@rachael11 As I said to Joanna just, I have not ruled out divorce, and in doing that, it provides a sort of freedom that nothing is off the table, including perhaps a supportive tolerance from her. What is beyond my initial hope is the way many here have rallied to my situation and either offered support or insight or both. Either way, with her or without, with dressing or not, I am determined to live my life in as happy way as I can. That was the gift I was given at birth, and that is the way Valentine will be, any god willing. x
Valentina i haven't dressed in almost a year and am feeling horrible and depressed.
Although my wife knows and is somewhat tolerant her fear of someone we know finding out
about Giselle has totally stifled my dressing.
@gisellereeves I wish they had a sad 😔 imoji for me to choose. I guess my path will be similar x
I understand where you’re coming from. I have tried many times to stop dressing in hopes that it would “help” my marriage. I feel that my wife at this point just tolerates my underdressing and other kinda feminine things I do. So, while it may not be failing it is certainly not full on happiness or understanding. Which for those of us in this situation, it absolutely sucks. The point is, that you are not alone with what you are going through and hopefully your marriage can be repaired. If you think it would help maybe put your clothes in storage to get it out of sight. Just don’t purge and get rid of it completely. I don’t think that has ever worked well for anyone here😁
@pattyd ty. No, I reached the same conclusion, “why should I, it’s my natural self, since before I realised it was not acceptable to many” (My Mermaid article goes into more depth). I didn’t want to knee jerk and clear everything out of my wardrobes, (I wouldn’t have many clothes left!) I suppose I just thought I could put Valentina to comfortable sleep, and see.
Like you but many years ago my wife wanted a divorce. The top issue was my dressing, I didn't want a divorce so I threw out everything and we got back together maybe 3 years I went without dressing. But most of that time I was miserable. My sexual libido sank. I told her I was suffering with ED. It wasn't that. It was that I had to change everything about me to stay married and I became resentful. She didn't change but demanded I change. I couldn't perform for her because I felt like I was the only one trying keep us together. I couldn't go without any longer and started secretly dressing again. I got sloppy and left things out. She found them and I got some heated text messages because she'd find them when I wasn't home.
I thought for sure she would want a divorce again and I made up my mind I would give it to her. I was dressing long before I met her and I couldn't and wouldn't stop this time.
Then one day she asked about my dressing and she had determined it was not really a conscious decision for me to dress and that she would rather understand it then get divorced.
I know I'm one of the lucky few who now has a supportive spouse.
I hope you and her can over come this obstacle together and come back stronger like us.
@jessij ty Jessi. Your words resonate to a degree, in that it might be that she could accept my dressing and Valentina could come out of the closet, back to a happy and shared life. In my case though, I now realise there was a degree of toxicity in our marriage well apart from any dressing issues, eg. Every time I prepared to go out to sing and perform, she would concoct a row & argument, to the point I would go out fuming. Not the place I wanted to be. However, these are not dressing issues, I will have to address these myself. My problem at this moment is withdrawing from dressing, it is hard, so hard.
@valentina16 this only reinforces my belief that couples therapy is needed. I am cruious, when you go out to sing and perform, is she invited or willing to go with you?
@augustvaliant ty. Yes, couples therapy needed but I’m not sure she wants to go and engage. I don’t want to go with dressing hanging over my head, hence it must go. I have the willpower, I think. Re music, I won a singer songwriting award last year, only a small local thing, but important to me, up against some quality competition. She didn’t make the two assessment rounds and an armlock was almost required for the eventual presentation. All other’s SOs were there. She has unfortunately seen fit to sour the milk before at least 3-4 major events when I’ve then gone out fuming; she presses my buttons, but now I’ve researched a possible reason and it fits; no more in public though. She is always invited but knowing her limited interest (I get this) I suggest small events (not worth it) and important events, please come, you’ll enjoy it. I have been support act for one of the top 10 UK folk singer-songwriters, she and others family & friends came to that. TY for your time.
As a life long dresser I know just how hard it can be.
Yes it does sound like there are other issues that need resolving. I wish you all the luck.
It's easy to stop cross dressing. I've done it several times:) When I tried and eventually failed, I just dressed in secret so it was a DADT arrangement for most of our marriage. She knew but preferred not to know. Recently, her poor health has caused her to have a battle with depression. This expresses in anger and irritability and as her caregiver I get to be the target of a lot of it. As you might guess, cross dressing is an easy subject to pick a fight about so that has not been a lot of fun. Recently, she agreed we should see a therapist. I thought she would open up about how her health issues were making her depressed but she went right after the crossdressing. I was a bit blind sided and on the hot seat for most of the session. However, she felt much better afterwards and it really seemed to help with her anger issues. She said all these years she had no one to talk to about my dressing and it really helped her to unload. She is now seeing the therapist on her own and our relationship is in a much better place where we can talk about things without the anger. I am saying all this as a lead in to adding my voice to Liz and suggesting consoling. If you don't know for sure what's broke, you might not be working on the most important fixes.
@michellemybell ty Michelle. A lot of this resonates, ty. I have been underdressing more and more over the years (10?) and just got more used to it to the point where it has become ‘me’. So it’s a lot to shake off in an instant. I thought I could, and I have the resolve to, and I will, it’s just bluddy hard. I guess I knew most of the answers but it’s so helpful to hear them echoed back to me, ty all. What I hadn’t thought about if I’m honest is that I might not be addressing the right thing, what’s actually broken. I guess that’s why I am trying to take dressing out of the equation, to see what mountains are left. Those mountains are likely not to be dressing related, so I will not trouble good souls here, unless it is to help someone else in a similar situation. Take care.
@michellemybell I used to say the same thing about quitting smoking. I quit hundreds of times. Until I started dating my wife 8+ years ago. Smoking was a deal breaker for her. I haven't smoked anything in 8+ years.
I think what you said about our wife not being able to unload for all those years could be exactly what VV's wife needs.
If you don't know for sure what's broke, you might not be working on the most important fixes.
Which also goes well with the fact that VV hasn't discussed dressing with her current therapist.
@michellemybell Hello I relate to this well. My wife is a super 🏳️🌈 ally but any idea that I dress is anathema to her image of what she wants her man to be. Now, I AM that man, but I’m also that woman. 50/50. So I dress in private. I’m glad you have progress on this.
Valentina,
I read your wall post, quite a tale!
I'm no psychologist or counsellor, but in your writings both here and on your wall, you have mentioned that your marriage problems are not necessarily to do with your dressing; it is as if you know there are other problems.
Your analogy to alcoholism only works up to a point, IMHO. As a heavy drinker who gave up up alcohol coming on to three years ago, I can say--at least in my case as not all alcoholics are the same--the desire to drink wears off. I don't drink at all now and I don't miss it in the slightest (well, a cold cider on a hot summer's day would be nice). I can't say if the desire to dress wears off but unlike substance abuse which has both chemical and psychological elements, cross-dressing is all in the mind. One can change one's body chemistry, up to a point, but changing the brain's wiring, established over decades, is quite another task, and I'm not sure it is at all possible, despite what some folk might say (talk to gay men who were 'cured' of their 'aberrations' in the fifties, sixties and seventies).
I have only been cross-dressing for some sixteen months now and it shows no sign of slowing down--not that I want it to--indeed, I may well be indulging more than ever. It is this extra indulgence that I must keep an eye on as my wife is very supportive at the moment, but if I over do it, it may cause problems, one never knows.
My wife's threshold for cross-dressing tolerance is probably quite high since we have done many 'things' together in years gone by, but like anything, sometimes one can have too much of a good thing. It may be that your wife's threshold is much, much lower but perhaps it's something you can work with.
As others have implied, and you have admitted, it seems that dressing is not the only factor in your relationship problems and perhaps it is these other factors that should be brought into the mix.
You mention in your wall post about being willing to give up dressing if you thought your marriage was at risk. I couldn't do that, the resentment that would engender would be beyond what I was willing to accept. I have been hyperindependent all my life and try to accept no help from anyone. As such, I feel it is my right, since I've never bothered anyone else, that I should be able to do what I want (withing reason). This makes me stubborn, and resistant to change unless I want it. Could you really just give up dressing because someone else wanted you to? Don't you have rights too? If it was just the cross-dressing, then a DADT system would work very well; many ladies on here have such a relationship and for the most part, it probably works for them. If your GLW is not open to such an arrangement then perhaps there are other things going on that should be brought into the mix.
I hope you manage to sort things out, or at least come to some arrangement as to your dressing, but referring back to the original question posed: no, I don't think one can give it up, unless it meant nothing in the first place, and I suspect that is not the case.
Good luck,
Becca
xx
PS I do music a bit myself as another hobby: look up Martin Baxter on Souncloud--the tune Tassology actually got played on BBC radio; which was nice. On the track, I play blues harp, tenor sax and keyboards.
P
@rebeccabaxter Thank you Becs. I really appreciate your time and thought. As with many (no, all) marriages, we have faced problems, but we seemed always able to fix them, hug, and move on stronger. Of late (2-3 years?) the problems have gotten closer and closer together and the fixes have been less successful and less durable. I know this, and there are bones in my body which do anticipate that a divorce will be the best solution for us both, despite the 52 years together. All the issues we are now grappling with existed in the first year or so, but I have managed this through and brought loving balance back. And of course, I’m not that easy to live with either. For my own conscience and wellbeing, I need to eliminate dressing from the current situation, so I can put my hand on my heart and look my wife, her family, and my children in the eye, and say “I did as best I could”. I don’t want her to have any moral high ground to be able to perhaps blackmail me with threats of exposure or poisoning attempts “Well, of course, I never knew what he was wearing; he was probably wearing when you spent time with him!” You are a fellow musician (and an accomplished one at that!) so I suspect you know what music can mean to a person, either just listening, singing in a choir, perhaps writing it (as I do), it is most important to me. Choice: between dressing and my guitar, my guitar would win by a country mile. Us to work out. But first comes my dressing, it’s got to go. I also need to know if it is undeniable, should I find a new soulmate. Thanks V.
I'm in a similar situation. My wife found my stash when I wasn't home. Big row. I said "(as many of us have) fine I'll get rid of everything and the problem will be solved ". Her response surprised me. Why would you get rid of it, it's part of you. I boxed everything up and stored it in the shed. Like you we have other problems so divorce isn't off the table.
The only advice I have is don't purge.
To the CDH community, Valentina's put seems to be a flare shot into the sky and a Mayday call. She needs all the help we can give her.
@melania Thank you Lydia. I will not purge unless I really think it’s what I want. Re the Mayday, I am grateful. I may though have it at least a little bit under control, so let’s reduce it to a Pan-Pan maybe. My main reason for asking the carefully worded Q was to seek help smooth the edges of the first few days of withdrawal, perhaps the equivalent of a nicotine patch? Please rest easy, there are many in far far worse positions than I am. I am grateful for where I am, so many others suffer with ill health etc. I am fine. I just wanted some understanding from others who had gone through withdrawal whether (apparently like smoking)(never smoked) it was worse in the first few days, weeks etc. I have severe marital issues, and while hugs are always welcome, this site’s main purpose is dressing issues, so I didn’t want to take up unnecessary bandwidth here for that, if that makes sense. In my mind, all the hugs should go to Cathy, and her ‘hope’ article. She has gone through a thousand times worse than me and probably most here? But I thank you all the same x
On a lighter note perhaps (actually perhaps not), our yacht was rescued by the lifeboat last May. That needed some processing. A 49’ yacht being towed at 7 knots, almost its top speed, almost surfing through the water. All because a bit of water got into the diesel tanks. I did recommend to my BIL skipper that we had better raise a pan-pan. He phoned the coast guard instead.
Over the decades of my dressing I've done the Purge more times than I care to think about. Always swearing "never again" and telling myself that I would surely stop this time. It never worked.
Over time the hiding, sneaking and lying ate at my soul and I couldn't take it any longer. I came out to my wife fully ready to face whatever might happen and ready to accept it. That was over 20 years ago and I no longer carry all that baggage and am so much happier now.
@cherylt oh Cheryl that struck a chord with me. Having the “Outing” conversation was the best thing that I have ever done…not least that my dear wife had already figured out the situation. I (we) are so much happier as a result. Love to all my CD sisters, Jane x
VV hasn't discussed dressing with her current therapist
My reasoning was at least threefold: shame/guilt, she wasn’t experienced in CD/TG, needed to concentrate on the other issues. She proved to be less than good on personal therapy and could obviously not do couples therapy. That said, I did get to understand a lot about myself. Next step couples therapy. Next step CDTG therapy. Perhaps the last two are the wrong way around. 🤔
I purged in my 20s, shortly before I got married. Between then and my early 50s, I kept a couple of nighties and a few pairs of stockings and knickers, for the occasional treat but otherwise didn't dress.
My younger self dressed when I worked in London and sat in a hotel and then when I lived alone in my first flat.
I had the "talk" with my wife a couple of years ago and Anna came out of a 25-year hibernation.
I have tried many times. I have failed. My wife and I have come close to splitting up a few times. She knew that I couldn't stop. She wasn't sure that she could live with it. Twice we agreed to split, but by the morning we realised that we loved each other too much.
I did give up for a long time, but it was destroying me. I hated being a crossdresser. I didn't want to be one. The grief and hassle it caused, far outweighed the benefits. I limited my dressing to times when my wife was working away, or I was working away. I'd take something with me to wear in the privacy of my hotel room. I nearly got outed to a friend thanks to customs at Cork airport one day 🙂 my wife could see how not dressing was affecting me and on a few occasions, insisted I get dressed. I was getting the wrong kind of depressed!
I think nearly everyone of us here has tried to quit on more than one occasion. We've all failed. We've all purged, and bought a new wardrobe later. Some have come to a don't see don't ask situation which scratches the itch. My wife and I are now in a good place, and I'm Cerys more often than not. It still does cause issues sometimes, especially if I mention having nails. This really sets her off. There are times when she'll ask me to be male me. There are times when I know to be male me. There are times when I decide to be male male just so she knows that I still have a male me. Our relationship hasn't been "Physical" for many years. She has no interest. This is partially thanks to Cerys, but not entirely.
If I could take the magic pill tonight, and wake in the morning not being a crossdresser, I'd take it. As much as I love being Cerys, and how it affects my well being, and confidence etc, I'm all too aware that my wife, whilst fully supportive, would rather me just be me and not wear a facade. That's what Cerys is. She's my alter ego. She's my mask. She's my superhero!
Can you stop? No.
Can you find a compromise with your wife? Only you know the answer to that.
Can you get to a "only when she's not around" situation? Again, only you can answer
The thing that I love about CDH is that the membership will not encourage people to push the boundaries. Other groups I once belonged to would say things like "It's your life. You're an adult. Do what you want".... Don't do that!!!!!!!! CDH folk are more level headed. We understand that what we do affects those around us, and that it can cause problems. This is why I stuck with CDH and left the other forums.
If you get my side of the bridge, and you need a chat. You know where I am.
Cerys
@dazzler Thank you Cerys, you have opened up your heart for me in an effort to help me. I appreciate this. Sad to read in parts as well of course. Apart from many things, I took from this that I need to monitor whether it is the real contended me that has emerged in this state of being undressed, that it won’t be like (I assume) withdrawal from a drug that it gets better the longer you don’t do it or take it. It can just make you miserable full stop. Not you. Not the full and confident version of you. Dressing has shaped the happy you. This has made me think and analyse it more. I most definitely did (and may come to yet) dress not only for fun but to help change my personality. If I have been underdressed at work I have found it has helped me deal with a*seholes of (usually one or two directors) men, bullies poisoning my fellow work colleagues (I will not tolerate bullies, I will die first). But the point being, it has taken my mind off anxiety and stress, just like I have seen people smoke to relieve that stress; I do remember (I’m about 10 years older than you I think) one doctor actually recommending in the 60s taking up smoking to one of his patients to help give her some relief. We all seem to need a little something in our toolbox to help smooth the big mountains and valleys of life’s curve; some go fishing, some play rugby and drink heavily after in the club, some increase their smoking, and some (including myself) have dressed just to take the edge off. This is what I am facing, it does seem, and not for a few days, but forever. I may have gaps but it will return, it seems. I will let everyone know. So interesting that your wife actually recommended you dress for your own depression. That, my friend, was true deep caring love, especially as she didn’t like you dressing. You have a keeper there it would seem, if I read between the lines correctly. So far, now on day 6 of not dressing, I still miss the natural feel of hose on my legs and toes, my mermaid is still there. It’s odd, it’s as though there’s a reflex action pulling me towards the comfort of how the clothing textures feel on my skin and body parts, including my chest. Some here have tuned into me (there’s a pun there somewhere) that I have my music as my ultimate calmer, it takes my creative mind off to lovely soothing places, and of course, loving and playing music in public is in no way questioned by the conditioned way society has come to view dressing. Music is natural, from the womb even, the bump-bump-bump of your mother’s heartbeat; I wonder if we got a similar bump-bump-bump imprinting our femme side too. There’s a thought, new for me at least. I’d love to meet up with you Cerys, and the first thing I would do would be to give you a long hug, man-to-man, femme-to-femme, soul-to-soul.
Thank you Cerys. Look after that lovely wife of yours, she must treasure you. Re the physical side of things? I went to see my doctor. The blue pills work, my friend, they work. 💚🥰💚
@valentina16 I'm sure that you'll find a way to compromise. I hope you do. Music, the playing of, has eluded me. I would love to be able to play an instrument. I've tried many, but I gave up. I really did try. Even the harmonica. My son can play anything he picks up. He level 8 on the clarinet, but he's self taught on the acoustic guitar, and quite decent on almost anything else.... I'm yet to see him fail to get a tune out of something.
Music got me through my dark times of depression. Carole king's Tapestry saved me. I've listened to it a thousand times. Music lifts me. I just wish I could make it.
As for the blue pills, whilst they came in handy in the past, it's my wife that has no interest.
Cerys
@dazzler I have some thoughts, but I’m only a wannabe amateur wanting to help repay the help I’m being given. 😌
I've tried to give it up a number of times over the years. Probably, the longest I got was 6 months but that was quite a while ago. I've also purged a few times and always wound up regretting it. There are so many things that went in purges that I wish I still had! The best illustration of the draw for me is the time I purged and wound up starting over buying clothes 5 days later. Fortunately, that was the last time I purged. I just see myself as wired to have a feminine side that I will never be able to escape. Fortunately, through counseling, I have been able to normalize this in my life and alleviate the stress that I experienced in the past over it.
@valentina16 I always did my counseling sessions in person. Body language and facial expressions are an important part of interpersonal communications for me.
@lauren114 ty, I totally agree. I prefer my work mtgs in person as well, at least some of them.
Hi "VV"
After nearly 30 years of a most unhappy marriage, (with my CD'ing" a major factor, she hated it with a passion), I separated and moved into my own 2 story unit/flat/apartment. Most of Caty's gear went to the local CD group, but I kept a "few things". Mostly lingerie a wig and some breast forms. I kept it all stashed downstairs in an obscure part of the underfloor, accessed from the garage
Within 9 months I''d met my now loving almost 30 years soon loving life partner.
My previous "personal life" has been a misery and Caty was my"outlet" from that. As you know from our previous messages, Caty would most emerge during my extensive local and overseas business travel.
Life was sooo good... with my new partner, I was like a drug addict who was able to be "clean" and I "never touched a drop of bra and panties" for a good ten years.
But as others have said, "it all comes back"and not long after the ten years above, I got back into accumulating a total femme wardrobe. I had my first pro makeover about this time and the rest as the saying goes and as exemplified by my time and multiple posts, photos and articles here on CDH, is "history" with me back enjoying Caty time when I can.
Mostly daily underdressing and sleeping femme at night. (In my own room, up the other end of the house)
About 10 years ago,my beloved found some jewellery I'd left out and that's how she found out.
To cut a long story short, we've been in DADT mode ever since. "She knows but does not want to know". She caught me fully dressed about a year and a half ago, it was quite "frosty" around here for a while
We are both well into our 70's and very much still in love. So so long as Caty isn't in her face she seems to be OK with it.
Dont know if this has helped you, but the above is how it all happened.
Good luck
Caty.
@ryanpaul Thanks Caty, and yes it has. I take from this that many, if not most partners are, deep down at least, unhappy that their ‘man’ is not a fully focused and vibrant knight, there to become as one (please read my One Soul poem, if you have time) with her. The Other Woman is sort of getting in the way, like two’s company, three’s a crowd.
We soldier on. x
