Easier to be “Normal”?

The biggest problem we all have is that most people don't seem to understand cross dressing, especially in men.

All they know is what they've seen on telly, on the internet or films - and it's presented in either in a comedic or fetishistic way - or both, with the shadow of homosexuality as is the general case with drag queens.

Very, very few famous men actually cross dress. The artist Grayson Perry has a dress sense verging on sissy, Dame Edna Everage is a parody, as were Hinge and Bracket and Dick Emery, both Julian Clary and Lily Savage are both gay - and Eddie Izzard is Eddie Izzard (and wonderful, but not a representative of CDs as a group - how can they be, when we're all sorts of different?).

Until people fully understand that married, heterosexual men can feel the desire to cross dress, and that it's not the domain of mysterious gender/sexuality based groups, they'll never fully understand why we dress in our chosen way - but they shouldn't have to!

It needs to be known that cross dressing is for anyone and everyone who wants to do it - what good reason is there to feel anti CDing?

I don't mean personal taste, or incorrect associations (heaven knows, people shouldn't be so prejudiced against gender groups or anyone else in the first place - this whole thing is a big non-issue blown out of proportion by people who "think" there's something wrong with it, but if pushed, couldn't rationally explain why!). Diversity isn't just important, it's essential.

When you ask "would it be easier...?", I would counter-ask "easier for whom?".

Hiding the desire to dress a particular way is not simply irrational as well as illogical, it's damaging.

Suppress one thing, you start to suppress other things that might give the game away. You become paranoid - what if she finds my stash? What if she already found it, but didn't say anything? What if my neighbours see?

Being uncloseted suits me - and I get that it doesn't suit everyone, due to their personal circumstances - having lost all the nonsense, I get time to fully be myself, and, until you experience that, words cannot express the transformation it has on one's mental health.

It's like the boiling frog scenario - you don't fully realise what's happening inside your mind and how that translates into your life, and the experiences of people close to you until you're out of the hot water, and in the fresh air, simply being what you always knew you could be.

I know this has turned into a bit of another Laura rant, but you've raised some really good and important points, so thank you very much - and thank you for taking the time to read my rantings!

Love Laura

You are spot on Laura. This happened before I was honest with myself or spouse. I wasn’t in a good place at the time I was stressed out about the urge to cd and felt so self conscious. As a parent you never want your children to have to struggle or feel emotional pain or distress. I know that playing dress up isn’t going to lead to a life time of cding and if it did then so what. But at that time and in my emotional turmoil I just really hoped for an easier life for him than what I was dealing with.  I have to admit at that time i did feel a bit cursed.

Hi Melanie Elizabeth

My personal opinion.

Yes 100% it would be easier to be ‘normal’ as you say. A safe normal man, I can do that. I’m sure you will get ‘What’s normal?’ and ‘Who wants to be normal?’ but I totally get what you mean. Most women want ‘normal’ safe, dependable, someone they can happily show off to family and friends, look I’ve got a normal man, not a man in a dress.

I’m a single parent. Sure I want a girlfriend. And think I wouldn’t have too much trouble if I purged all my Bianca stuff, and buried these feelings to act ‘normal’.

I am lonely,  and know my chances of ever getting that sweet spot of trusting a woman enough to tell her about my femininity, not leaving it too late for her to feel I’ve betrayed her keeping secrets, and for her to actually accept this part of me, are one in a million.

But I think I would be living a lie, saddened hiding this, best, part of me.

Everybody must make their own decisions in this life and be prepared to live with the consequences of these decisions. Personally I’ve decided  it’s better to be the real me alone, than to act out a part to attract a girlfriend, or friends in general for that matter. And I have come to terms with my decision. I count my blessing, I’m healthy, have a wonderful son and daughter, a job and my own home. Just live for today.

❤️Bianca

I see being transgender as a gift. It just took so long for me to accept myself. I was hiding it for most of my life. I am happier, calmer and nicer to be with as a woman.  I have very limited acceptance from those around me which does not seem right. Why do I have to hide my real self because others cannot accept the real me? It would be easier for everyone around me if I was not transgender. I am not sure how my future is going to play out, but Eva is not going back into the closet.

In a lot of ways "Pretending" to be "Normal" Might be easier--But Pretending does have it's limits-- Just Imagine--How long do you think you could handle Pretending to be super rich or famous--?? Putting on all the proper airs ect ect--or for that matter super poor--Living on the streets--look what happens to Professional actors when they can't "Turn it off" (Robin Williams comes to mind-- sooner or later we have to just be ourselves -at least in part of our lives-

Society tells us to ask "What is normal?".  Normal as in a personal way?  A societal way?  Or, heaven forbid, a sexual or racial way?

Growing up in the 60's and 70's, we were told to be our own uniqueness, don't conform, we are all individuals.  Relish the difference, grow into more than the next person, question most of what came before us.  We had the power to be one amongst many.  A lot of us here remember those days, and were bombarded with those slogans and catch phrases.

Those of us who remember those days have now lived long enough to see society do a 180 degree shift.  If we voice the idea that we are different and unique, then the label makers come after us.  How dare we feel or think that we are any different than anyone else, get in step, keep your opinion of your self worth to yourself, give up your individualism, turn in any book written in the baby boomer age.  How many of us read 'Farenheit 451'?

I, for one, value the uniqueness of us.  We may only share one trait that we see as normal, but that is what makes us normal.  We are all human beings, anything that puts us into different groups, begins to dilute 'normal'.

Grab your uniqueness, hold it close and tight.  Don't let the 'public rulesmakers' take it away from you.  Influencer's be da***d.  I am myself and that is MY normal.

PaulaF

I know what you mean by being normal. Yes life would be easier as a "normal" man. I'm not a normal man though. I have accepted who/what I am. Do I completely love myself?  Depends on the situation. I am exactly who I am and don't want to change it. Do I wish I could change certain circumstances within my life? Sure. Do I want to be normal? Nah. I like being different. Always have.

Jessica

DJ Laura spinning a tune for the moment...

Stick with it - about 1 minute in, everything will become clear.

I love Professor Elemental!

There's no such thing as normal - everybody's wierd!

Love Laura

Societies, of various sizes and focus, enforce conformity through the use of pressure or authoritarian techniques. That is, persons of specific ideologies convince a number of people that their point-of-view is not only the correct one but any other view is not only wrong but undesirable. Those convinced persons then exert various types of pressure; legal, community, institutional, unions, workplaces, schools, well, you get the idea.

For a long time, the majority of issues were judged on personal beliefs, and for many this is still true. Any behaviour they felt to be deviant they identified as immoral. Basically deviating from a common sense of ethics.

As some became uncomfortable enforcing their ethical regulations upon others based on the unknown, possibly unknowable, and as they sought a more ‘rational’ basis for justifying their conclusions they turned to mathematics, specifically statistics, and one could write a Ph.D. thesis on the development and application of concepts of ‘normality’ based on the majority in the middle. The most obvious variation of this is the bell curve of Intelligence Quotient tests. What the rationalist failed to notice is that opinions on appropriate behaviour were still largely based on information received from the influential idealogues.

Thus both the concepts of ‘moral’ and ‘normal’ have the cachet of judgmentality with more than a sheen of animosity created by a lack of understanding.

In the television series, “Cheers!”, a fixture at the tavern was Norm. On, “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”, a character was an alien, deliberately based on the character, Norm, called Morn. Since I do not claim to be particularly moral and especially I do not share the moral values some seem to endorse, and since I would not reslly wish to be just normal I think I would rather be ‘mornal’.

Mornal simply means not necessarily being like everyone, or anyone, else. It does not necessarily mean being particularly extravagant or excessive. It means not always fitting other persons’ expectations or requirements but any variations are not harmful or offensive. They are sane, healthy, beneficial and … interesting!

I prefer to be mornal.

I think your reaction, in your son’s instance, may have been partially protective fearing the bludgeoning effects of morality and, possibly, having experienced them. While it is good that you recognize the dichotomy of feelings and behaviour within yourself as this is the key to generational growth. For example, my father and grandfather were, in their time, functioning alcoholics. I am not a teetotaler, but the alcoholism hopefully stops with me and my son and granddaughter will be free of that particular problem. Hopefully, the prejudice against cross-dressing can also be dealt with at least partially by one generation seeing the problem and at least quenching it within themselves. I would not wish you son to be normal, however, but we can hope that he will be mornal.

Araminta.

Araminta thanks for the thought provoking response. My thoughts that day were coming from a place of confusion and pain. My urge to protect my child from that I know was irrational but it was the way I felt at that moment. Cding and substance abuse are very different things. One is benign and the other is something that can destroy lives. While cd isn’t destructive per say it can be something that can be emotionally destructive if you let it be. I guess at that time I was in that lonely place isolated place and I wanted to protect him from those emotions I was feeling.

ps I didn’t know there were so many fellow Star Trek fans here on cdh

Melanie,

I empathize with the situation between your ears. I enjoy crossdressing but I’m ashamed of it at the same time.

My wife knows and encourages me to dress. She even recommends I come out to our four children. I told her, “ I don’t want to be a dad/grandad in a dress”

Being normal would be easier, but I’d miss the intense pleasure I get from crossdressing so the emotional roller coaster continues.

Caroline

Hi Melanie

This totally resinates with me, my wife was supportive to a point. But its pretty clear that she would prefer things if they were 'normal'
As a consequence I have pretty much pushed things back into the closest. Other than a bit of nail polish and some some lkng tshirts that's pretty much it.

Hi Melanie

This totally resinates with me, my wife was supportive to a point. But its pretty clear that she would prefer things if they were 'normal'
As a consequence I have pretty much pushed things back into the closest. Other than a bit of nail polish and some some long tshirts that's pretty much it.

Many thanks for a very thought-provoking post. I will not reiterate what sisters like Araminta and you have already posted. I will share one definition of a teacher. "A teacher is a person who holds a mirror up to each person in the class so that they can see their reflection. As painful as it was for you to open your heart like you did, Melanie, it was a gift to many who have or still need to embark on the same journey.

MP