Fiancé just came out as a crossdresser

Hi Allie

I have been dressing fore most of my 50 years of life, I am straight, I love women, and I love the cloths, this is the part that makes me the person that I am, your partner has come out to you and is most likely freaking out, there is nothing wrong with him, This will take time for both of you, just think about the things that you feel in love with and remember they are to do with his femm side, talk to him openly about where he wants to go with his dressing, and what you are happy to do. If you want to talk Pm me

Good luck hugs Paula

I’m 100% heterosexual and married for 23 years to an amazing women. She knows of my dressing and is accepting within limits. I have never wavered from being heterosexual nor do I ever plan to transition. I do enjoy dressing in clothing society has deemed exclusively female. I just wish there never had to be a definitive line between the two choices. Women seem to be allowed to wear whatever clothing they want, both male and female, without being questioned. They may appear “butch” but society has become fairly accepting of it but not the other way around. My wife told me that if this is who I am and it has made me to be the caring and loving person that she has known for the past 28 years then so be it. She doesn’t fully understand it but she is accepting that it is a part of me.

Hi Allie, I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s scary and confusing. I’ve been there, so many tears. I know how you are feeling. The only thing that saved my marriage (barely) was therapy.  Find a  sex and relationship therapist as soon as you can, I certainly didn’t get the answers I wanted but it did help to have a unemotional mediator. In answer to your question though yes I believe that some cross dressers can be straight men.

Allie,

The mistaken idea that all crossdressers have to be gay is so pervasive that  it kept my urge to Dress suppressed for all of my adult life until recently.  But I AM  straight, I DO love my wife of 56 years, and I am absolutely NOT attracted to men.  Nevertheless, I love the look and feel of women's clothes so much, that if I could, I would wear nothing else, ever.  Don't know why, and couldn't possibly explain it...it just is. My wife explains it as "getting in touch with my feminine side", which is as good an answer as any.  This will be true for at least half of all crossdressers, and it's possible for your man to be in either group.  But I would suggest that if you have been in a relationship for 4 years, and he has been faithful to you for that long, you may presume he is straight.  If you can accept this as part of his nature, then you can have a great life together, and even share more things in life than the average couple.  I wish you the best.

Bettylou/

• Darling, you can be gay, bi, straight, whatever floats your boat, and be dressed any way you please!

Clothing preferences have nothing to do with sexual orientation.

From what I can make out, the majority of CDs are heterosexual men.

But we're people, despite scary labels like "Transvestite". The Rocky Horror picture show has a lot to answer for - most CDs aren't Transsexuals either - but we do try hard to be sweet!

I guess the writer of the song liked the alteration of Transvestite, Transsexual and Transylvania - after all, most CDs are not Romainians either.

It's not unusual for someone to want to reverse roles - I would think it healthy, in that it's important to wear another's shoes, so to speak.

However, and there's always a however, he may have long suppressed feelings - cross dressing is something most men who do it hide - so this is a personal journey.

The dressing is not the issue - anyone can wear anything they like, within common decency - but you will obviously have to set your boundaries where it comes to wedding vows, etc. A promise is a promise.

Keep yourself only until her is in most ceremonies, and so is for better or worse.

No ceremony I've ever attended (and I've been to hundreds of weddings) says anything about keep Thy clothing only unto what others expect or tell you to wear.

It seems obviously wrong to dictate a person's dress.

Uniforms are great for, e.g. public or military service, but clothing is self expression.

***edit: Seriously??? Someone voted "No", but didn't leave a comment?

I would be happy to see any justification of a "No" vote - and then tell me that to my face while my body wears a dress! 😘

Love Laura

<p style="text-align: left;">How can you be straight and want to dress like a woman</p>
 

Sorry, but this question needs picking apart - honey, I understand the emotional shock, as I had the same thing when I figured out my taste in dressing, aged 13.

Actually, it was worse. I tried to kill myself.

How can you be straight and want to dress like a woman?

So many ways!

Women do it all the time.

Actors do it.

Costume parties.

The clothing feels lovely - it can just be a thrill.

And cross dressing.

Cross dressing has gone on ever since there has been an arbitrary difference between what the two generally spoken about sexes wear.

Women have worn trousers for a long time, but there was a real fuss about it.

These days there's much less of a fuss in wider society about a man in a dress than you might think.

Watch the lovely short film by David Walliams - The Boy in the Dress, or read the book.

A young boy is not motivated by sexual persuasions.

My 3 year old loves putting on his older sister's discarded fancy dress princess outfits.

Darling, put that question to bed where it belongs!

Love Laura

Hi Allie,

I'm sorry you are so upset right now. You have come to the right place to seek guidance and support. The membership here includes quite a few spouses and significant others of cross-dressers. Allow me to encourage you to go to the articles tab and scroll down to Significant Other Perspectives. There are some very good articles there that I think would benefit you.

As to your topic and poll, I voted yes, a man can be straight and still want to dress like a woman. That describes me pretty well. I am hoping we can help you to see that one does not automatically make the other true. Dressing doesn't mean gay or bisexual. I love women's clothes, makeup, shoes, etc. I have no interest in having sex with men. None. Doesn't stop me from telling members here that they are pretty in their pictures, because they are. That's not sexual. Is it sexual when you tell your female relatives and friends they look pretty in a dress or a skirt and blouse? Of course not. It's clothing and presentation. It's just not usual or widely accepted when a man wears the same clothing and chooses to put on makeup etc. If it was more widely accepted, it would be a lot more usual.

I'm sure it's a big shock after being together for 4 years. As others have suggested, a relationship counselor/therapist who has experience in gender issues is in order. Try to take some comfort in the fact that he has now shared this with you. As hard as it was for you to hear, it was just as hard for him to tell you.

I have to ask one thing. Are you going to participate in the "role reversal play" willingly or desperately? You say you will do anything for him so I get the impression that you aren't crazy about the idea. If nothing else I suggest the two of you discuss the possibility of your ending the role play if you get uncomfortable. See him dressed and spending time with him dressed is a good idea and probably should occur a few times before taking it much further. That depends on what you are comfortable with.

If I can be of any further assistance or if you just need to talk/vent, feel free to send me a private message. I hope it all works out.

Hugs

Autumn

Laura,

I loved the comment about dressing and wedding vows;  I've kept mine, but it's a good thing dressing wasn't mentioned, or I would be in deep trouble.

Hugs,

Bettylou

Allie,
Wow crazy time right? So many emotions. You are not alone. This is a really hard pill to swallow. No matter how much water you drink that pill is stuck right there in your throat. That pill can and will go down slowly dissolving over time when you find ways to understand this wonderful side of us cds. I am able to say this now because finding and accepting my femme side has done more to save and strengthen my marriage than anything else. I get to be my true self. My wife doesn't allow me she accepts me. We have become the very best of friends. How did this happen? A lot of communication, honesty and patience. Oh and some great therapy from a specialist. A good therapist could really help the two of you with getting the big questions out of the way so you can start a new chapter. If you get there it's worth it. Yes change is going to come. For me I needed to be me and in the beginning I wanted it all. Imagine coming out it's like a flood gate. Thank goodness floods usually subside over time. You have some hurtles to overcome not going to say it's all easy. My wife used to say how my dressing completely turned her off. Now she says not so much anymore. We have set reasonable boundaries that work for us. When I'm dressed I'm her friend Dana only the husband side is gone. We don't blend the two sexually. But others do and that's okay.

I hope the two of you are able to work together to build a beatiful relationship. As many girls here have mentioned look deep into what you love about your significant other (SO). What is it about his personality that you love and are some of those femme. My SO would say to you that now we talk on such a deeper more even plane than we did previously and now she's so happy that she finally gets why I did or acted a certain way in the past. For instance I hated her shopping all the time claiming she was spending to much money. This caused so many arguments. The truth, I was jealous I wanted to own women's clothing. I wanted to shop just like her. Now we do it together. Of course we go outside of the city we live in so that her and I are more comfortable.

Yes, I am different than before coming out. The other day I shared my appreciation for the beautiful magnolias on our tree in front of the house. Before I would have shrugged and said," their nice." I did this because I needed to be macho and hidden. Now I burst with discriptive emotion. I am still hidden from family and old friends and when in male mode around them I'm just as much one of the guys as I've always been. I just have this other side where I dress when I can and yes go out in areas where nobody can out me dressed as a woman. I have a very stressful job and this is what relaxes me the most.

All of us here have a story and no it's not always the happy ending I got. I strongly encourage you to walk along side your SO on this journey making sure that your emotional needs are met. You are one half of the relationship and you matter just as much.

I wish you well private message me if you need anything.

Dana 💋 ❤️

Dear Allie,

I’m Sapphire and a heterosexual “ Gurl”!

They should be tears of joy you’re shedding!Just imagine the courage it took for him to tell you about his secret. A secret that most feel guilty and or ashamed thinking something is wrong with them. Then to put his trust in your hands knowing you could out him and turn his life upside down adding to the shame and spiraling into a deep depression hole.

Most Cd gurls I have met are genuine, sincere and have hearts of gold. When I have gone to visit a group of “gurls” we don’t talk about “girls” or boys instead we talk about fashion and reasons why we do what we do and ,( hate the word)...”Normal” things! The group is better than therapy because I’m surrounded by “my normal” and It’s okay who we are and what we do! There’s no judgement, unlike the hateful “ normal sheeple” out there. I’m so tired of society trying to define “normal” and create malice! Sorry for the rant there 😐!  Anyways  my fiancée adores me for who I am and not what I wear. Actually she loves what I wear ( giggles) and she loves my femininity too! And don’t forget about the benefits... shopping getting nails done ( or doing each other’s!) and list goes onAnd as far as experimenting in the bedroom, don’t knock it till you try it ! So congratulations Girl , This could be the best thing to ever happen, tehehe!

Hi Allie,

Like the majority of the others I agree that you can be straight and want to dress as a lady (I do) and voted accordingly.  The idea that you are gay if you're a crossdresser is a stereotype, like the following common stereotypes referenced: https://examples.yourdictionary.com/stereotype-examples.html

• All Irish people are drunks and eat potatoes.
• All teenagers are rebels.
• All Arabs and Muslims are terrorists.
• Italian or French people are the best lovers.
• All blonds are unintelligent.

But none of these are true.  Take the first of these for example, I live in (Northern) Ireland, have never drank alcohol and only eat potato 1-2 times a week.

I can only sympathize with the confusion and pain you are feeling as I am single and have never been in a long-term relationship.  However, I believe, you should focus on the fact that your husband loves and trusts you so much that you're the one and only person he has ever told about this.  Though that is a lot of pressure on you, I think you underestimate how much you mean to him.

Like many of the others have said, communication is key.  Sit down and chat it out.  It may be that he just likes how the clothes feel, because as has previously been mentioned, men's clothes are boring in comparison to women's.  I imagine, like most of us, your husband has struggled with this for some time, he may not know all the answers to your questions such as "why do you dress".  Many of us don't.  But sit down with him and have an open conversation, ask whatever questions you have, let him answer what he can and any he can't you can find out the answers, together.

Regarding his feelings towards you, given that you are married and have been for four years shows that he is attracted to you, and likely has been the moment he first laid his eyes on you.  Dressing has nothing to do with that.

If you are willing to try anything, then you're right to see him dressed.  That may well give you more clarity.

Penultimately, therapy/counselling is an option, but an expensive one.  However, from my own personal experience when trying to understand my own dressing, half the problem is keeping it to yourself.  Now that you know, your husband will feel like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.  By discussing further details with each other you can have the same results with paying out hundreds or thousands of pounds.  You took each other to have and to hold, for better, for worse... You confronted him and your husband took a big step to tell you, now it's your turn to do what you can for him.

I hope that rather long reply helps you, let me know if there's anything else and best wishes to you both,

Hugs,

Isabel.

So here's my story. I hope it helps. I love beautiful women. Nothing makes my heart go pitter patter more than a beautiful woman.  So for years I have struggled. Am I gay? Why do I dress? Who the hell am I? I have no desire to transition. I finally put myself into therapy with a doctor who deals with gender issues. She saved my life. I can't stress enough how much therapy helped me. Genetic, masculine males do nothing for me. I have no desire to be with a masculine male. That said, I do love femininity, whether it be a genetic female, a transgender woman or a crossdresser. It's that love of femininity that identifies me as a hetrosexual male. Her words. She has also let me know that many crossdressers are hetrosexual. The reasons we dress are many and each of us have our own unique reasons. As many posters have stated previously, most people put labels on us that don't fit. Society  thinks we are all drag queens. Nothing could be further from the truth.

You two have been together for several years and obviously love each other. He asked you to marry him. His coming out to you showed his deep love and respect for you. He laid out all the cards on the table knowing he might loose you. Please stay with this loving, caring man. His love for you is obvious. Work with him thru this difficult time. Join him in this journey. It will hurt and be difficult. But in the end, if you both stick with it, I feel your relationship will be stronger and more loving. Be safe.

Love and Peace,

Amber

Allie,

I can understand that you have questions and there is a struggle. And while I cannot speak for you situation, I can relate my experience.

My clothing preference has no bearing on my sexual orientation. I can assure you that I'm attracted on to women in general, and my wife specifically.  My wife and I will celebrate our thirteenth anniversary this July. I have had her love, acceptance, and support since I came out to her five years ago. Understand as well that I only came out to her five years ago because I had been suppressing my own feelings for the previous 20 years.

MacKenzie Alexandra

Allie,

Many of us cannot nor will ever be able to tell you why we want and desire to dress up. It is just there and we want/need/desire to dress up. It does not necessarily change our sexual orientation.  while some are bi or gay, most cd's are straight.  Write down any questions or concerns you have so you both can discuss them.

You came top the right place for answers and support