Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
Hi again!
So... I’m not out to my girlfriend yet. And honestly? I know I need to be. I don’t want to keep this part of myself hidden forever. She deserves the truth, and I want to share all of me with her, not just the “safe” or “easy” parts.
But I’m scared. I’m not quite ready yet, but I feel like I’m getting closer to that moment. It’s just hard to figure out how to do it, what to say, when to say it, and how to deal with the fear of how she might react.
Funny thing is… she might already suspect something. One time, I had a tiny bit of mascara left on my lashes, and when I rubbed my eye, it smudged just enough that she noticed. She looked at me and gently asked, “Is there anything you want to tell me?” I laughed it off and said no, that it was smut... but… that moment really stuck with me. I think about it all the time. Maybe she’s already wondering. Maybe she’s just waiting for me to say something. Maybe she knows Mia exists.
But I don't know how. I'm not ready, I guess.
Any tips, encouragement, or stories would mean so much to me right now.
Mia ❤️
Women are intuitive. She already knows. Yet she didn't press. My guess is you have a supportive girlfriend.
Time to tell her. Yes, I know. It's not easy coming out. If you wait for the 'perfect' time or when you are 'ready', you'll be waiting a long time.
Better to pick a time when you're both chilling and calmly tell her the truth. Keep it simple. Tell her this is who you are, and you can't hide it any longer. She'll probably have a lot of questions. Answer them honestly.
Assuming it goes well, suggest she join CDH too. We have a great SO group where she can talk to other SOs like herself. It's a great resource.
Liz xx
Hi Liz,
Thank you for your thoughtful and honest message. You’re right, women are intuitive, and I think deep down, she may already suspect something. That moment when she asked me, “Is there anything you want to tell me?” after spotting a smudge of mascara… it’s stayed with me. It felt like a door cracked open, but I just wasn’t ready to walk through it then.
I’ve been sitting with that moment ever since. What you said about there never being a “perfect” time really hit home. I know I’ve been waiting for the fear to go away, but maybe the real courage is doing it anyway, with the fear still there.
I appreciate your advice about keeping it simple and honest. That’s what I want: honesty, trust, and maybe—hopefully—understanding. And the idea of her joining CDH’s SO group is lovely. If it all goes well, I’ll absolutely suggest that.
Thanks again, truly. Your support means a lot. 💜
Mia xx
@lizk Liz is right. And even if she only has a hunch, the fact that you feel like she needs to know tells you something. Being out to the world is one thing, but if your partner is on your side you will feel seen and accepted in a way you never thought possible. In my view, it's worth the risk.
Thank you so much, Nikki. ❤️
You really touched on something that’s been sitting heavy in my heart, that feeling of wanting to be seen, truly, by the person I love. I think you’re right… the fact that I want her to know, even before I feel ready to tell her, probably says a lot. I’ve been imagining what it would feel like to not carry this part of me in secret anymore… and yeah, it sounds scary, but also kind of like freedom.
Thank you for reminding me that the risk might be worth it.
Big hugs,
Mia
@mialanieri Hey Mia. Your post struck a chord with me, as I too have experienced 'the mascara moment'. That was many years ago. However I'm not out to my wife. I know in my case that would end badly.
Lots of encouragement from the girls here, but the thing is, only you know your girlfriend well enough to imagine how she'd react. Of course this topic comes up regularly here. I'm no expert but it seems you will probably have to address the following: are you gay? Do you want to dress full time? Do you want to transition?
I so understand your position and I really hope this works out for you girl. Do keep us informed. You know you are guaranteed support and love.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
Hey Chrissie 💜
Thank you so much for sharing that. It’s kind of wild to know I’m not the only one who’s had a “mascara moment.” Funny how something so small can feel so huge.
I really appreciate your honesty too. You’re right, every relationship is so different, and only we can really guess how our partners might respond. In my case... well, I hope she understands as she is very supportive in many ways, but I'm afraid anyway.
I’m sorry your situation feels like it wouldn’t end well. That must be such a heavy thing to carry. I hope you know you’re not alone either... I see you, and I’m so grateful for your kindness and support.
I’ll definitely keep you posted. Just knowing there’s a space like this, with people like you, makes everything feel a little less terrifying.
Big hugs back,
Mia xx
Hey Mia
I'm going to send you something via PM. It's lengthy, so I might have to spread it over two or more messages, but I hope you find it useful.
Hugs
Ellie x
I don't have any advice since I haven't walked this road myself yet, but I did want to ask--do you have any insight as to her views on CD, TG, the LGTBQ community in general?
Not that I would assume that her having a positive viewpoint would automatically make this process easier, as it's one thing to support people that don't live in your house versus having it "up close and personal." But, if her perspective is negative, I would want to work on having answers for whatever aspects she finds fault with.
Best of luck to you and your girlfriend!
Hi Felicia!
Thank you so much for your kind message, even just reaching out like this means a lot. And yes, actually, my girlfriend does have a very positive view when it comes to the LGBTQ community. She’s always been open-minded and supportive, which gives me a little thread of hope to hold onto.
You're absolutely right though, it’s one thing to be supportive in general, and another thing when it becomes part of your personal world. That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot.
I’ve been trying to mentally prepare for questions she might have, especially around what this means for us and for me. I want to be able to give her the clarity and reassurance she deserves and just… be real with her. Your message reminded me how important that part of the conversation will be.
Thank you again for the support and the thoughtful nudge. It helps more than you know.
Warmly,
Mia
@mialanieri Hope it works out for you, Mia. I think your girlfriend already suspects, My wife is also an advocate for LGBT-- but NIMBY. Yep. She thinks people should be free to express themselves & love who they want-- except when it comes to her husband. Best of luck.
Hi Dawn.
Thank you for the honesty. I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I’m so sorry to hear that your wife wasn’t able to extend that same support and acceptance to you personally. That kind of “NIMBY” support must feel incredibly isolating, especially when it’s coming from someone so close.
I can definitely understand your caution, and I promise I’m going into this with eyes wide open. Every relationship is unique, and while I’m hopeful, I also know that hope has to be grounded in real conversations and mutual respect.
Sending strength your way. I hope you’ve found (or are finding) ways to live more fully as you, even if it’s been hard.
Mia.
I never told my wife. I didn't have too. She figured me out many years ago and has lovingly accepted and supported me all these years even when I hated myself for being who I was.
She loves dressing up to go out and always has. I love to see her get dressed up and always encouraged her to dress up as often as she could. One day, shortly after we were married, now 28 years ago, she playfully offered to dress me up just to see how it felt. I think she was conducting an experiment based off of her intuition. I tried to act like I was begrudgingly going along with her but she could tell I was really loving the whole experience. That was the first time I had ever shaved my legs and dressed fully from head to toe and wore makeup. We were so young and naive in all this but she was completely open and accepting about it. This led to many deep conversations together. We didn't even call it crossdressing. It was just my girly side. I don't think we even said the word crossdressing for nearly 20 years. However, it was I who had the problem with it and battled myself for so long. I would feel guilty and shameful and swear off dressing and purge only to come back later. She probably thought I was crazy but she never judged or rejected me. I have finally come to accept myself and we're living our best now.
We have an incredibly strong bond and there no secrets between us. Every situation is different and there is no way to know how your GF will react but from what you said it seems promising. There are pros and cons to telling and not telling. Ultimately you have to decide if it's worth it to tell her or not.
I wish your the best of luck.
Hi Michelle
Wow… your story touched me more than I can say. Thank you for sharing it with me. There’s so much love and depth in the way you described your journey, not just with your wife, but within yourself, too. It really moved me.
That moment when she offered to dress you up, it gave me chills (the good kind!). There’s something so powerful in how she just knew, and how gently she helped open that door for you. What an incredible foundation of trust and love you two share. I imagine those early conversations must’ve been both tender and a little scary, but the way you’ve grown through them together is genuinely inspiring.
I also really appreciate you being open about your own inner struggles.
You're right, every situation is different, and there’s no universal answer. But it really does help hearing from someone who’s walked through all that uncertainty and come out the other side stronger and more whole.
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me feel a little braver today.
Hugs,
Mia
@mialanieri When I finally decided I could no longer hide and had to tell my wife I went to her when we had time alone and just said "we have to talk about something".
Then I proceeded to just say, I'm a crossdresser, I've always been a crossdresser and it's something I will continue to be. I want you to understand and be there with me.
Then I told her to ask me anything she wanted to know and I was completely open and honest in my answers. I was prepared for whatever might happen. That's the hardest part. Not the telling, not the open admission, but being ready for the consequences.
Of course I got the usual "Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman?" and so many more questions. We talked for hours, more intimately than ever. We cried for hours. We did this for days. I showed her all my clothes, which at the time was really one outfit and eventually I dressed for her.
Readers Digest version, she was willing to talk, willing to learn and willing to love. It was the love that was most important. Now it's as natural as anything for me to dress. It's opened a new level of US and removed all that fear, guilt and shame I used to feel hiding from her and stealing time from Us to be Me. Now I'm really Me and it's thanks to Her.
Hi Cheryl
Your message truly gave me chills. There’s something so raw and real in the way you described that conversation, not just the words, but the emotional weight behind them. I could feel the honesty, the vulnerability… and the love that pulled you both through it.
I think what hit me most was when you said, “It was the love that was most important.” That’s exactly what I’m holding onto right now. Love, not just the kind my girlfriend and I share, but the love I’m slowly learning to show myself. Your story reminds me that it's possible to bring all of that into the open and still be held, still be seen.
I can only imagine how terrifying that first moment must’ve been, to say it out loud. But you’re right, it’s not just the telling, it’s being ready for the consequences. I think that’s what I’m slowly building up to now… that inner strength.
Thank you for showing me that there is a beautiful other side to all of this. You’ve given me a little more courage today, and a reminder that if the love is real, it can grow even deeper in the truth.
With so much gratitude,
Mia
@mialanieri That moment I uttered "I'm a crossdresser" to my wife was indescribable. It could have ended our marriage, but at the time I was such a wreck that I was willing to take the chance. I was sneaking and hiding and stealing time from US to be me and that had to end or it would have ended us anyway.
All the crying and baring my soul was so worth it. We became so much closer as I was able to really share myself completely for the first time. The reward was worth the risk.
I love what you said about stealing time from the us to be you—that really hit home. I’ve felt that split too, and the guilt that comes with it. Your honesty, your tears, your bravery… it clearly came from a place of deep love, and it’s so moving to hear that it helped you grow closer, not apart.
You’ve given me a lot of hope, and reminded me that sometimes, the scariest choices are the ones that set us free.
Big hugs,
Mia x
Cheryl, it was very similar for me. My wife's easy acceptance has rekindled my respect and admiration for her. (After 49 years of marriage, it's easy to get comfortable and take each other for granted.) I'm so glad you've found a new closeness.
Allie x
@alexina allexina - how long had you been married when you told her? Did you have any accidents where she could have suspected before you told her?
Hi, Billie.
We'd been married for 47 years when I told her how much this is a part of me. The one thing she never said was that she had any suspicions beforehand. Like my daughter, she said, "But it's still you".
Warning! Do Not assume that other wives and SO's reactions give any indication of how your wife will react.
Only you know your wife, as much as any of us can say that we know another human being without having the benefit of telepathy.
If I were to offer any advice, it would be what others will tell you, don't broach the subject by appearing suddenly in a dress.
Try to couch any approach in terms of wanting to move forward together in open-ness and honesty. Other than that, anything else I might say comes too close to telling you what to do and I cannot, will not, do that.
Like many things, the risk is huge but, if successful and you are accepted, the reward is living your best life.
Whatever you decide, we are here to listen and wish only the best for you.
Good luck!
Allie x
@mialanieri My wife has known for a few years now and is supportive we have even dressed together, I have dressed with her here and we have had girls nights. I'm only saying this because even with the support I still find it difficult to talk about. especially if we have not discussed any part for multiple weeks sometimes. I'll feel like I want to say something but I'm always apprehensive. And the first time is down right terrifying. I think after reading so many stories in this area I can honestly say there is no way to tell how she is going to react. even if she suspects something. When I finally did it I had to get to the point where I was prepared for the worst but just couldn't hide it any longer. every time I want to discuss it I get apprehensive. but lately I've just been telling. myself to just rip off the band-aid. and each time I've been very fortunate. but again so many girls here will tell you that it did not go well for them and so many that it did. One thing that helps me is I was able to get her interested in watching Rue Paul drag race as its always on TV some of the episodes are more like SNL skits where they have to pick a character and ad-lib and try to be funny. sometimes they succeed others not so good. but regardless even though we fast forward through most of the drama to the actual performance I used this to Guage her reaction to it and it really helped me to get an Idea how she would react to me. also we have acquaintances with kids that have gender issues and I would discuss that with her to see how she felt. by the time I talked about it I had a pretty good idea it would be OK. but then some here Immediately went too far and their SOs shut down as they were on the fence about it. so you just can never know. things seem to go one of 3 ways. All good in the hood. and under the hood lol... it's over or don't let me ever catch you doing it , or don't ask dont tell. If you can accept any of those outcomes then rip off the bandaid otherwise, it's egg shells and secrets. not sure if all this gibberish is helpful. Good luck. RC
Thank you so much for sharing all of that—none of it felt like gibberish to me. Quite the opposite, really. Your honesty and the way you laid everything out—from the fear, to the tiny steps, to the unpredictability—was incredibly helpful and grounding.
I really related to what you said about the silence in between talks making it harder to bring things up again. It’s like the longer the quiet stretches, the harder it is to speak, even when you want to.
It’s so encouraging to hear how you and your wife have found shared moments, even with all the apprehension that can still sneak in. I love the idea of using things like Drag Race or everyday conversations as gentle ways to feel out her perspective—so smart, and such a kind, thoughtful approach.
I know there's no one-size-fits-all answer, but hearing your journey helps remind me that courage doesn't always roar—sometimes it whispers “just rip off the band-aid,” and that’s enough.
Thank you again. This helped more than you know.
With gratitude,
Mia
@mialanieri hiya Mia if she doesn't already 'know' likelihood she knows something is not right - that you are not giving her your all. Cos well you are but Mia is not and she's part of you. Although I've no clue how she's gonna react and could never predict I do remember feeling amount all the craziness around the time I found out about my hubby a sense that well at least he's whole now - I did not know at all but I knew he was holding something back .
if you haven't already read my article it may help a small amount - https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/to-my-soulmate/
the one thing I wish had been different looking back is if I was told before I found out - so yes my advice is tell her better she hears it from you . Then let her guide you as to where to next .
aa Liz mentioned pls tell her about CDH and about the significant other group we have - I would be very happy to chat with her at any point here if she wanted to talk.
any questions pls just message me - happy to be a sounding board from the wife's side 🙏🙌🌸💕
@bellaz76
Thank you so, so much for this. I honestly wasn’t expecting to feel this emotional reading your message and your article—but I did. It hit me right in the heart.
You’re absolutely right... Mia is a part of me, and even when I try to compartmentalize or hide her, something essential is missing in how I show up. And I think deep down, my girlfriend does feel that absence—even if she doesn’t yet understand why.
What you shared about your husband… wow. That moment of realizing he was finally whole must’ve been so powerful. I imagine it wasn’t easy, but your honesty and strength in walking that path together is incredibly inspiring.
Tthank you for the offer to talk with her too. That means more than you know. When I’m ready to have that conversation (and I’m getting there), I want to do it in a way that’s honest and loving… and I know hearing from someone who’s been on the other side might help her feel less alone.
Truly grateful for you. 💕
Mia ❤️
@mialanieri Mia it would be so amazing for me to be able to support her if she wanted that - it's something I didn't have and I know would have helped me a lot so I would make sure and also now make it my mission to ensure others have that - wishing you the very best and I hope it all goes how you wish it to ! Be you - all of you 🙏💕
@bellaz76
Laura, thank you. I'm really, really grateful. ❤️ ❤️
You're an angel.
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to share something with you all that really made me feel a little more hopeful. After some of the responses and encouragement I’ve received here, I decided to take a small step in being more open.
The other day, my girlfriend told me that my face has a feminine quality to it, and that I would make a beautiful woman. At first, I was surprised, but I also felt this warmth in my chest. She said it so matter-of-factly, like it was just another observation, but in my heart, I felt like maybe it was her way of telling me that she sees me—all of me. I hope it wasn't just a joke, because she's very playful sometimes.
I don’t know exactly what it means yet, but it’s given me more courage to think about taking the next step. It’s comforting to know that she’s not blind to Mia’s presence, and maybe she’s more open to it than I realized.
I’m still working through the fear, but I feel like maybe I’m getting closer to being ready to share all of myself with her.
Thank you again for all the support and kindness here—it truly means the world to me.
With love,
Mia ❤️
@mialanieri I think, by her saying that, she's was opening the door for you. She was giving you an opportunity to come out to her. It does sound as though she would be totally open to it & that you might be stressing yourself for nothing. Go for it, girl!
Hi again, Dawn!
Thank you so much for this—seriously. It means a lot, especially coming from someone who knows how tricky this path can be. I really appreciate you seeing the situation from that angle—it’s helped shift something in me, too.
I think you might be right. Maybe I have been reading too much into the fear and not enough into the love she’s shown. She’s never given me a reason to believe she’d reject me outright… that’s more my anxiety talking than her behavior.
So yeah. Deep breath. I’m working up the courage. Thank you for helping me feel just a little bit braver.
Hugs, Mia x
Re: your feminine side
I hope it wasn't just a joke, because she's very playful sometimes.
I don’t know exactly what it means yet, but it’s given me more courage to think about taking the next step. It’s comforting to know that she’s not blind to Mia’s presence, and maybe she’s more open to it than I realized.
Go with the flow.
At some point, bring the subject back up and ask her to prove it. Challenge her to dress you up and do your make-up and nail polish, etc. Get her involved in making you into Mia, let her take charge (within your own limits, of course). You can act as naive as you wish, for now.
While she is dressing you up have Katy Perry quietly singing "I Kissed A Girl And I liked It" in the background. 🥰
Haha I love that idea! 🥰
I think she’d totally be down to play along.
Might have to start curating the playlist now 😄
Tell her. Sooner or later you wil bel careless and leave something out where she will find it. And then the questions start. Are you seeing someone else? Why are you lying? It's easier to come clean than live with paranoia.
Hi Lydia,
Thank you so much for your honesty, truly. You're right, and I’ve definitely thought about that. The mascara moment already gave her a reason to pause and ask me, “Is there something you want to tell me?” I didn’t have the courage then… but that question has stayed with me ever since.
I know the longer I wait, the harder it becomes, not just for me, but for her too. I don’t want to create confusion or mistrust, especially not with someone I love. I guess I’m just trying to find the right moment, the right words… and the right version of me to show her.
Your message gave me a little extra push. Thank you for that.
Mia. ❤️
@melania If you love her, you will tell her, can you go through life living a lie?, it is a hard thing to have "the conversation", but must be done....
Hi Leslie,
You’re right, it's a hard thing, and I know deep down that it’s something I need to face. I don’t want to live a lie, and I definitely don’t want to build a relationship on hiding parts of myself. I really love her, and that’s exactly why this feels so heavy… and why I want to do it right.
Sometimes I think the fear isn’t just about what she might say, it’s about the idea that once the words are out, there’s no going back. But I know avoiding it forever isn’t an option either. I’m getting there. Slowly. Thank you for the push.
Warmly,
Mia
My dear Mia. If you troll through my profile it will tell you my story of how I came out to my wife about the 16 January this year. Since that time and other the last 3 months our journey together has been a rewarding journey. Again anyone reading this post coming out this may not be right for you. but in this discussion reply with Mia perhaps there is a way forward and I am relating my experience's.
The items I deemed important in my coming out and in no particular order are as follows.
I am and was not sorry for who I am, I have entertained wanting to dress femininely for a long time. I am not gay or anything else. I wanted to be truthful to her and not be secretive and hide things . I also decided to have this discussion not in a captive environment like in a car and where at anytime she could walk away and consider what I have said in her own place and time. Pick a time and place where your partner is comfortable and is in a good mood not when she is deep in he own thoughts. Keep the conversation light. Be open and truthful to any questions she may have.
There may be benefits in coming out. My story line on my profile may fill you in some of my story. But now our relationship is built on trust. I have no secrets from her. Our union is on rock solid ground. We openly discuss fem clothing makeup etc etc. We go shopping together than coffee down the street making the journey a good one for her as well. So set the mood
Mia the list goes on and on and each to their own. It is your decision to make. If I may make a suggestion and based on my experience, Just do it.
Cheers Gwen
Hi Gwen,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience with me. I could feel the care in every word, and your story really touched me. It’s so encouraging to hear that your honesty led to a deeper, more trusting bond with your wife. That gives me a little bit of hope that maybe something similar could be possible for me too.
I especially appreciated your point about creating the right setting, where she feels safe and not pressured. That feels really important. And also your reminder to stay grounded in who I am, without shame. That’s something I’m still learning, but I want to get there.
It still feels scary… but knowing there are people like you out there who’ve walked this path and come through it with more love, not less, is such a gift.
Thank you again, truly. I’ll keep moving toward that conversation, step by step.
With gratitude,
Mia ❤️
@mialanieri Girl, I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had never shared this "hobby" with my wife. She's known that I enjoy it since shortly after we got married. She begrudgingly said she was OK with it, but I knew she wasn't. So I dressed in secret. I was deep in the closet until about 2016. At that point, I discovered a crossdressing group & got to go more public with it, at least with other CDers. I was interacting with other people as a woman.
I told her about it. She still wasn't a fan & worried about me, but told me how she saw a change in me. She said that my temper had gotten better & that I was more pleasant to be around. My bouts of depression seemed to almost vanish. She felt that suppression of my femme side had affected me both mentally & emotionally.
She still wishes "Dawn was gone", but understands that I need this to stay on an even keel.
Best,
Dawn
Dawn, thank you so much for sharing that.
Your journey sounds like one of deep self-awareness, courage, and care, both for yourself and for your relationship. It's not easy navigating something so personal when the people we love don’t fully understand it, but the way you’ve approached it —with honesty, patience, and reflection— is incredibly moving. The part about your wife noticing the positive changes in you? That really hits. Sometimes the deepest love is shown not through immediate acceptance, but through willingness to try to understand.
It sounds like you’ve built something resilient—not perfect, not without tension, but real. And that matters. You gave your femme self a name, a space, and a purpose, and it clearly brought light into your life. Dawn’s not just a part of you... she is you, in a way that lets you breathe deeper and feel more whole.
Thanks again for trusting me with that. I see you. And I’m really glad you didn’t stay hidden.
If you ever want to talk style, femme identity, or just life, I’m here.
Mia
You asked the question of how to tell her.
Do you feel confident enough for a direct face-to-face reveal?
Would you rather feel safer by doing something more indirect, such as a discussion after watching a fun crossdressing movie? There are quite a few of them.
Hi Harriette
That’s such a thoughtful way to look at it, thank you. I’ve been leaning more toward a direct conversation, but I’m not totally confident about it yet. There’s something so vulnerable about putting myself out there like that, and part of me wonders if easing into it could help take the edge off.
I’d honestly love to hear what movies you’d recommend! That might be a gentle way to start building that bridge, without diving headfirst into the deep end right away.
Appreciate your insight so much, thank you for giving me something real to consider.
Warm hugs,
Mia
I’d honestly love to hear what movies you’d recommend! That might be a gentle way to start building that bridge, without diving headfirst into the deep end right away.
I didn't have to do this myself, but I figure that it should be an indirect way to start a focused conversation. Maybe you could watch a few other movies together beforehand, to set up the movie that you actually want to target.
Stephanie started a CD movie thread that has quite a few related movies. My only suggestion is to find an appropriate movie first and pre-watch it yourself. Some CD movies can be real downers, moralizing. Find one that is more upbeat and fun.
Thank you so much for your sincere and valuable response, Harriette! I've definitely struck gold on this site.
I'll check out the thread right now.
Mia
Good Luck.
Lacy
@mialanieri Hey girl, my advice on this topic is this:
- Take some time to think about what you want to communicate. Writing it down and reading to her it is not a bad idea - it will keep you focused and moving forward.
- Tell her you will answer any/all questions after, but to please let you get through what you have to say (whether you're reading it or not). This is important because some questions will head off down branches and you need to ensure the root of what you want to say is communicated.
- Try to keep it high level - you want to hit the big points, but you don't want to overload her with all the details. Even though they feel important, for the initial discussion, you'll want to keep it digestible.
- If you feel you don't even understand it all fully yourself (highly probable) tell her that, too. "This is how I feel now and I think it will be true for the foreseeable future, but if my feelings do change, I promise to keep you updated."
- Be. Honest. When you're anxious about a negative reaction, it's natural to try to minimize things so they seem more palatable. However, this is going to backfire down the road. If you want to do makeup, be sure to tell her. If you want to wear at home, tell her. Otherwise, when you want to do these later after telling her you did not, she's going to feel betrayed.
- Bear in mind that you've been wrestling with this for (likely) decades. She is going to be hearing this for the first time and without the benefit of being in your head. So be patient with her.
My door is always open if you want to discuss anything further. ❤️
Hi Melodee.
Thank you so much for this. I honestly feel like I need to print it out and tape it to my mirror. Every single point you made just clicked. Especially the part about not minimizing things to make them easier to hear… that one really hit home. I know I’ve been tempted to soften the edges out of fear, but I also know how important honesty will be if I want her to truly understand and trust me.
I also really appreciate your reminder that I’ve had years to process this, and she hasn’t. That helps me tap into a little more patience and empathy for how hard it might be for her too. And the idea of writing it down first... yes. I’ve been journaling a lot lately, and I think shaping my thoughts into something clear and focused might be exactly what I need.
Thank you again for this kindness and clarity. I will probably take you up on that open door soon. ❤️
With gratitude,
Mia
@mialanieri You can do it, Mia! Remember: The right time never comes. You make the time right. 😉
I'm totally stealing this list as well! Some people, like myself, just love a good bullet list. Not sure if and when I'll use it but I appreciate the insight and simplicity!
Thank you so much for this! I really needed to hear it. 💖
You’re right… waiting for the “perfect moment” might just be another way of holding myself back. It's about making the time right, and trusting that I can handle whatever comes. Your words gave me a little more courage than I had yesterday, and I’m really grateful for that. ❤️
I think you already have an 'in'. Find the right time and bring up the subject of "remember when there was something in my eye and you asked me if there was something I wanted to to tell you...? Well..."
And away you go.
Simples (I hope).
Becca
@rebeccabaxter Totally agree with Becca, the conversation has already begun so just run with it. Try not to overload her with details just answer her questions honestly. If neccessary, say if you want to think about it what I said lets chat again tomorrow or later. I have found if you run to quickly or push to hard you will hit the brick wall. Patience and time. Katie
Hi Katie
Thank you, your message felt like a deep breath. I think you’re right: the conversation has already started in its own quiet way, and there’s no need to rush or force it. Just honesty, care, and space to let it unfold naturally.
I really appreciate your reminder about not overloading her. That’s such a helpful way to think about it, to focus more on connection than on explanation. And I love the idea of leaving room for a follow-up instead of trying to “solve” everything in one go. That takes some pressure off my shoulders.
You’ve given me a lot of comfort and clarity here. Thank you so much for that.
Big hug,
Mia
Hi Becca.
You know… I’ve replayed that exact moment in my head so many times, and you’re right... it really might already be an open door. I hadn’t thought of just easing into it that way, but now that you’ve said it, it feels kind of… natural? Familiar, even. Like we’ve already started the conversation and I just need to pick it back up.
Thank you for that little nudge. It honestly made me exhale a bit... not everything has to be a grand, dramatic “sit-down talk.” Sometimes it’s okay to begin with a memory, a truth, and a breath.
Mia
Well one way you could do it is to underdress before getting together with her. Once things get hot and heavy she’ll find out lol.. if she reacts badly then just say you were trying something different. But it sounds like she may be into it too
Hey, Natalie, thanks for the suggestion! I do appreciate the humor and can totally see how it might be a funny way to ease into things 🤣 .
But honestly, I think I’m leaning more toward being upfront with her. I’ve been holding onto this part of myself for a while, and I know it’s time to share it with her in a way that’s honest and real. It’s nerve-wracking, but I feel like it’s the right step. Thanks again for the support
Mia
@coloradog1 Looking back it may not have been the best way to “communicate” about my dressing but what you described is exactly what I did after being with my girlfriend for a month or so. I knew she was non judgmental and I had a good feeling she would be into it. I was right and here we are 5 years later and all is good.
I don’t have to say anything more than secrets destroy relationships. Go all in.
You know? You are were you are absolutely right!
And I can't be happier now because I finally came out to her last night. 🤗
@mialanieri Congratulations, Mia! Sounds like it went ok! I look forward to hearing more about your story...
@justnikki Thanks, Nikki!
It was easier than I thought! And of course, I'll share my story (I already did in another thread ❤️ 🤭 ).
