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I'm not happy anymore

26 Posts
15 Users
104 Reactions
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Posts: 119
Lady
Topic starter
(@tiffany8)
Reputable Member     Ontario, Canada
Joined: 1 year ago

I have only been married since 2016 but I am no longer happy at all. I haven't been happy for almost 5 years. I know that I i am not innocent by any means but things have just fallen apart too much for me to see any resolution to it. I feel stuck in this situation and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to proceed as I know I can't don't alone. I have lost touch with all my friends. I have stopped talking to my brother and sister for many years now and I don't know what to do. 

I just want to run away and start over. 

 

Tiffany 😔 💔 

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25 Replies
8 Replies
Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5171

@tiffany8 Hey girl

I was with my ex for 15 years. For much of that time I tried to tell myself that I was happy; I really wasn't. It was a very controlling relationship on her part. Everyone outside the relationship could see that, and I knew it too, but I couldn't think of any way out. To be honest, I didn't actually want any way out. My life was totally bound up with hers, and I'd got so used to being in the situation that I was in that I'd let myself believe that it was the ONLY situation I could be in.

In 2007/2008 a whole series of events (all totally unconnected with my crossdressing, which she knew nothing about) led to her running off with another man. I'm not going to go into all of the details, but after she'd gone I found out that she'd been regularly sleeping with other guys during the whole of our 15 years together. Her actual departure was very sudden and dramatic (though she tried to come back a couple of times, but that's another story). I felt as though my life was over.

Tiffany ... I experienced all of the things that you described.

When the relationship broke up I couldn't see any way forward for me. I've never been that great at maintaining friendships, but those close to me tell me that they were seriously worried I might end it all. They were probably right. It was a truly horrible time.

But you know what? There WAS life beyond the relationship that had defined me for so long. After a considerable amount of time spent feeling like s*** but getting on with life anyway, I started to look around me and realise that, although at one time it had been an impossible thought ... I was better off without her.

In her absence I was free to be me, and to do all of the things that her presence had prevented me from doing while we were together. I got back in touch with my writing. I got back in touch with my art. Above all, I started to investigate who I was since there was no longer any brake on that.

The point is, life doesn't end just because a relationship does.

Sometimes it can be a new beginning.

Keep talking to us 🙂

Hugs

Ellie x

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Lady
(@tiffany8)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Ontario, Canada
Posts: 119

@ellyd22

 

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. She too knows nothing about my CDing and it has nothing to do with it at all anyways. It's literally about the differences between us. Parenting styles, daily living, social, finances, expectations of each other and more. 

I have BPD and struggle with emotions and she is overly sympathetic. 

She doesn't have to be right, but I sure have to be wrong.

I was suicidal and took several months off work and she expected me to keep on doing all my day to day things when I didn't even want wake up let to get out of bed most days. I prayed that I would just die in my sleep. I was constantly scolded for not having the laundry done or the dishes done etc. note, there are 2 of our 6 kids still at home ( her youngest 2). 14 and 21 (whom are not expected to do their share of the house work) which I disagree with. 

*Back story* I have 3 kids& she has 3 kids when we go together 11 years ago. Only her youngest 2 are still here. 

Before I met her, I raised my 3 kids alone for almost 10 years. I made my share of mistakes and she keeps throwing them in my face. (Obviously more to the story but too much to get into here)

I feel like a maid to her and her kids. The house we like in was mine long before we got together and it no longer feels like my home at all. 

I love her dearly, but the fact that I feel so u happy tells me it's time to move on. But like I said, I afraid to do it alone.

Again, there is more but I just don't know what to do.

Tiffany

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Ambassador
(@jacquelinelarkspur)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 1497

@tiffany8 

Tiffany, I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I haven't been in the same situation, so I can't offer advice based on personal experience.

It does seem imperative that you talk to someone, and I feel that it needs to be a face to face conversation. I know from the replies you've given in this thread that that option may not be so straightforward for you as it sounds. We on CDH will offer support and advice, of course we will, but in cases like this there's only so much that can be achieved through texting on an internet forum.

From what you've said, and as Ellie, Angela and Rebecca have mentioned, it would appear that you are the victim in an abusive relationship. Talking your problem over with your SO is therefore unlikely to prove fruitful.

Likewise with your friends and family, who would normally have been the go to people for help in such cases. Are they fully aware of your situation? If not, they may still be able to assist.

You've said that you have spoken with your doctor and counsellor on numerous occasions, so it seems likely they've exhausted the options for advice to offer. You've said they've hinted at separation. Have you asked them whether that is, in fact, what they would recommend? Their work ethics may prevent them from making the suggestion unprompted. Is there an option to approach another independent doctor or counsellor?

Are there any other professional bodies or charitable organisations you can approach for guidance? As the issues you're facing are impinging on your health and wellbeing, Health Connect Ontario may be able to assist or refer you to another body which can.

I'm not a counsellor of any kind, so my apologies if you've already considered the advice I've given, such as it is. Ultimately, moving on and getting out of your situation may indeed be the best course of action. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. Give yourself time, and keep talking.

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2147

@tiffany8 Everyone has given good advice so far. We are all thinking about this with the information you have given us, which as you said only partial.  Sounds like at least a separation is in order, so that you can get the time to get your head back in a good place.  Hope you can get a good support group who will help you make this difficult decision. 

 

For me I did get my wife to go to counseling with me.  Much of the session pointed to some of the things she did to sabotage the relationship. After leaving the session she looked at me and said 'I suppose you think you just won'. I looked at her incredulously and thought 'if I win WE loose, if you win WE loose, the only way WE WIN is we win TOGETHER!!

 Good luck, we are here for you.   Cassie 

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(@laurynvalentine)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 34

@tiffany8 I found after I left my first marriage I was very alone but that time gave me such peace after so much hurt. After about 6 months I started rebuilding my life. Connecting with old friends and amazingly finding that a few people who were acquaintances before became close friends and supported me so much. There is a time for healing I think after leaving a very unhappy long term relationship and once you have cried a lot and thought a lot you start the next part of your journey. I was able to build a new life and you will find strength as well. I think you will be amazed at how wonderful the quiet parts of your day are when the turmoil of the splitting up process is over.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3991

@tiffany8 From what I gather from what you have said, you know the predicament that you are in, you are gathering advice and ideas about how to deal with it, you just have to make a decision about how to proceed.

It sure sounds as if you want the pain or struggle to stop, but that you don't want to be the one that starts the ending. Is that what is eating you up inside?

I had to do something similar, once. Not the best start in life for a naïve young man, but I finally stood up for myself and took care of things after 121 months. My second marriage has lasted ~33 years (so long as my crossdressing doesn't blow it up).

Is that light at the end of the dark tunnel that you see?

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Lady
(@amandawoods)
Joined: 5 years ago

Estimable Member     Denver, Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 164

@tiffany8 get out while you can. I stayed with my ex for far to long, I have since remarried and have a wonderful loving relationship with a woman who accepts all of me. There is light at the end of the tunnel. ❤️

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(@clarissa2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Honorable Member     jutland, Denmark
Posts: 406

@tiffany8 Sorry to hear about your problems, but Ive been there 30 years ago. I left and survived and have been happy ever since with new friends and accepting GFs. Just do it, go away and get a new life that makes you happy, you have probably lived alone before so you can do it again.

Hugs Clarissa

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Posts: 189
Guest
(@Anonymous 93795)
Estimable Member
Joined: 1 year ago

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. It is a very complex situation as I’m sure you know. You will need to be honest with yourself about what is making you unhappy and after sorting yourself out, speaking with your SO.

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Posts: 307
(@dovemtn2016)
Honorable Member     Tucson, Arizona, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

What can I do for you, Tiffany.

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2 Replies
Lady
(@tiffany8)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Ontario, Canada
Posts: 119

@dovemtn2016 

I wish it was that easy.

I guess I'm just looking for others that have gone through a separation or divorce. People to lean on and ask for help.

 

I'm not sure

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(@dovemtn2016)
Joined: 1 year ago

Honorable Member     Tucson, Arizona, United States of America
Posts: 307

@tiffany8 

Tiffany, I am going to answer you with a PM.

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Posts: 3399
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Oh Tiffany. Someone has already said it - have you spoken to your partner and is it the dressing that is the issue or much more. It is clearly causing you angst and with no one else to talk to you need to reach out. There are helplines that can assist but have you called your doctor at all as this is affecting you badly. What about work, is that being affected so are they a company that can approached.

You know that you can rely on us to give you what support we can and maybe there are some girls more local to you that have more information on local help centres. Perhaps try to reconnect with friends, you never know.

The main thing is that you know where you are and perhaps, as daunting as it maybe decide where you want to go and try to focus on a plan but use whatever support you can find.

keep in contact with us.

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1 Reply
Lady
(@tiffany8)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Ontario, Canada
Posts: 119

@ab123 

I have been in REGULAR contact with my Dr. We have been discussing the situation of my marriage the while time. As well as with my counselor and both arnet able to tell me to leave her but have sure hinted at it strongly as of late. 

I work in the industrial trades and it is NOT an environment for talking about feelings. Like I said before, I have just returned to work from taking SEVERAL months off for my mental health. 

I have always struggled with making decisions but now I am almost terrified of making decisions as I am afraid to be wrong. I grew up with friends and family that constantly criticized my decisions and even mocked me. And my wife has made me feel even more afraid of deciding. Which is another reason why I am afraid to leave her. 

 

Tiffany 

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Posts: 1277
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

And my wife has made me feel even more afraid of deciding. Which is another reason why I am afraid to leave her. 

 

This smacks of domestic abuse, yes, women can abuse men in a relationship, and you might do well to contact a domestic abuse organisation. I have looked and there are quite a few in the States -- can't post a link here but you'll find them easily enough.  They may well be able to advise you better than your doctor can.

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1 Reply
Lady
(@tiffany8)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Ontario, Canada
Posts: 119

@rebeccabaxter 

I know what you're saying, but as I stated earlier, I know I am not innocent in this all. I haven't been the nicest to her at times as well. I just want to leave.

 

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Posts: 2165
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

My first question would be have you discussed these issues with her in counseling? You seem to articulate the problem well and if she is aware of this and is still such a problem, then I do think leaving the relationship is a wide step. 

People separate and divorce all the time, and while it can be hard, there can be a better life afterward.

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2 Replies
Lady
(@tiffany8)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Ontario, Canada
Posts: 119

@jjandme 
I know it would be better for ALL. My kids have always referred to her as the evil step mom. They do love her but they also dislike her. Her kids dislike me. Although her family welcomes me in, I don't feel welcome.

I know it's time to leave I just don't know where to start.

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(@clarissa2)
Joined: 4 years ago

Honorable Member     jutland, Denmark
Posts: 406

@tiffany8 Start with finding a place to live, that's what I did.

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Posts: 2165
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Start talking to some divorce attorney or financial advisers and start lining your ducks up in a row.  Get yourself organized so you can leave on your terms if it comes to that. Join support groups, and start reconnecting with old friends and family. Start lining up your support group. Spend more time with your kids and be open and honest about how you feel and the issues you are having. You will need people to lean on. 

While your counselor can't tell you to leave, they should be supporting your decision and helping you to deal with the emotional upset that comes with such a big life change.

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Posts: 1058
Duchess Annual
(@robertaf)
Noble Member     Louisiana, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I had a similar situation that ended after 19 years. Yes, I am a slow learner. When I started taking back my life and stop working like a dog to make her life happy. She decided that our relationship was a hell hole. Kind of funny now but getting in this situation just doesn't happen all at once. In my situation it came from me giving beyond what I should have and her taking way more than she should have. The manipulation is just another verbal tool to keep someone off guard, beaten down and vulnerable. 

After it was over, I read several books on co-dependency and how to take charge of your life. This was a tremendous help to me, on getting well again. Abusers love to keep the abused from getting sure footed. Its very typical for the abused to even come to feel that they may even need being treated this way.       

Make a plan to get yourself well, if she really wants you well, she will get behind it and help. If not, then you have the answer you needed.

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Posts: 864
Baroness
(@chloec)
Prominent Member     Lakeshore, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Hi Tiffany, I wish I could offer some kind of solution or suggestions. I was married early on for 6 years, with a child after 4, and starting around the 4th or 5th year, she started complaining about my inadequacies. (but not in the bedroom). Mostly about 2 to 3 times a month she'd say, 'You've been better...lately.' Now consider hearing that for more than a year. She just wanted out.

We went to counseling but all she wanted out of that was for the counselor to fully support her feelings and fully reprimand me for anything I might have done or not done. I knew that's not how it was supposed to work. We were in a US state that at that time did not have no-fault divorce. One had to prove something, like mental cruelty.  And my own lawyer (from a firm run by a close friend of my father) sand-bagged me. Yet I was left with 'temporary' custody of our 1 year old. I'm sure my now ex- thought I'd beg her on my knees to come back.

Nope, I moved to another state, raised him as best I could, eventually filed for full custody and won.  Remarried during all that and it's been 45 years strong with two more kids. I never confided with my ex that I was cd/tg, best thing (after gaining custody and remarrying) I ever did. Told my now wife very early on, with her at times trying to incorporate it into our private moments.  All I can suggest, is decide what you want, what you're willing to give up, and what it will take to move on. Getting out of a bad marriage should be a priority, so that you can move on to a better life.  I wish you the best! 

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Posts: 119
Lady
Topic starter
(@tiffany8)
Reputable Member     Ontario, Canada
Joined: 1 year ago

Thank you so much for all your support and suggestions. I have a Dr appointment this afternoon for other things but I will make sure to bring this up with her. 

I havebso much more to say, so many more answers to your questions and more, however I am on my phone at the moments and I hate typing long messages on it. I will follow up later today.

 

Tiffany 💜 

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1 Reply
Managing Ambassador
(@ellyd22)
Joined: 2 years ago

Majestic Member     Norfolk, United Kingdom
Posts: 5171

@tiffany8 Sweetheart, just talk to us when you can. We're here to listen 🙂

When my own relationship broke apart I talked about it to lots of people and received stacks of advice.

Some of it was very good.

Some of it, though very well-meaning, wasn't.

I digested it all and ultimately found my own path 🙂

But the most IMPORTANT thing was simply talking and letting all of those feelings out in the first place.

I found that the very BEST friends who were those who simply listened without judging. Those who didn't try to force me in any particular direction.

So please ... keep talking to us.

Hugs

Ellie x

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Posts: 119
Lady
Topic starter
(@tiffany8)
Reputable Member     Ontario, Canada
Joined: 1 year ago

Hey Ladies

Just wanted to let you know that things haven't changed. I haven't gone to see a lawyer or anything yet but I am doing some of reading and research and separation and divorce. 

It's so stressful. 

I have to worry not only about my relationship but also maintaining my secret as to not give her any ammunition against me.

On a brighter note, I have had some AMAZING dreams lately about my cross dressing and what my future could look like. 😍 it's almost hard not to get excited about being single and living alone again. 

🙂💭 I picture myself in a 2 bedroom home on the east coast of Canada nestled in the trees on a couple acres of land with a small river running through my property .... 

Maybe I should start a new post about this dream and leave this to the aspect of my relationship. Look for this post soon.

Tiffany 💜 

 

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