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At what point do you know it's time to let loved ones and family know about the femine side you have been exploring and developing for many years with out them knowing about it?
What are good, bad and plain ugly truths about letting them know about your private little world?
@adventurerintheburgh Well Michelle, that's the $64,000 question isn't it? When you have the answer let me know will you 😂? I'm sure the girls will respond but if you search the forums you'll find a plethora of discussions on this critical topic xx.
Hi, Michelle.
At what point
The only person who can answer that is you, I'm afraid. We don't know your family or your relationship with them. We can only tell you when and how we did it, and how it went for each of us.
The truths, as referenced by Sergio Leone, are impossible to accurately predict. Even those wives and SO's who are vocal in their support for alternative lifestyles, may take a rather different view when it hits so close to home.
I suppose there are two main drivers for coming out to loved ones and friends: you literally, cannot hide it any more because of the stress it's causing you and may be affecting your health, mental or physical; you get caught.
No-one will recommend forcing the second one of these, only in rare cases will it end well. I'm lucky, although I didn't get caught dressed, my wife knew I'd been in her jewellery box, see my Spotlight article.
Coming out to my elder daughter, (for reasons I won't go into here, I can't share this with my younger one) was a conscious decision because I've always had a great relationship with her and I hated lying by omission to her. I include the link to that forum post below.
Before you decide what to do, know the risks. It might go well and that's fine, but it might not and you could lose your family, or some of them. It's that serious.
You will undoubtedly get replies from the other girls and I'm sure they'll include the good and the bad. Ultimately, it's your life and your decision. Just remember we're here to listen and support you, whatever you do.
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/community/personal-stories/coming-out-to-my-daughter/#post-571417
Allie x
@adventurerintheburgh I am very new to this whole world and feeling my way in the dark. My dressing was a conscious agreement between my wife and I and she’s totally on board, so much so I sometimes doubt myself because it seems too much like wish fulfilment. At the moment our dressing sessions are between us. I have an adult daughter living at home and we take the view she doesn’t need to know. I am not transitioning nor do I believe I ever will and she should be moving back to Uni later this year so she doesn’t need to be brought in on this.
That said, we have discussed what happens if she finds out. Firstly it will be because she’s poking around somewhere she shouldn’t and have asked her not to. Secondly, I think this has been an incredibly healthy development for me and our relationship generally, so I am not going to deny it. It’s not like watching porn secretly when nobody is looking. I am not ashamed of dressing up, it’s just my wife and I decided it was nobody’s business but ours (and we are very British I suppose!😂) What would telling her “bring to the party?” Plus, whilst my dressing is primarily an act of expression and release of something that I need to let out, there is, truth be told, a minor sexual element to it, and neither of us want anyone entering into that.
So for me, it’s don’t ask don’t tell but don’t lie to cover up either.
@chrissieprice984340 Chrissie, the sexual element is present for a lot of us. Nothing to be ashamed about xx.
@adventurerintheburgh This all depends on your goals. If you are happy being in the closet, just occasionally dressing then there may not be any necessity to coming out to everyone. If your goals include going out as Michelle and interacting with the world then you should come out to some close to you. As has been noted by others here, if you let your SO accidentally find out could be problems. At any rate be prepared for your spouse to find out and be ready for all the questions.
At any rate be careful with any reveal. Only you know those closest to you.
Cassie
There is no easy answer since it depends on so many factors. The first is do you want/need to anounce this? If you intend to live openly en femme, then obviously people will need to know. If you prefer to keep it private, few people need to know. If you are inbetween, then you need to pick and choose who knows. I am on a "need to know" basis. Since I dress around the house, I feel my wife needs to know, and does. My adult children live along way away so do not need to onow, so they don't. I would have no issue with them knowing. And feel completely confident in their acceptence, but there is no need. If you have a close relationship with family members who are around a lot, and who affect your dressing, then telling them has more purpose and gives you more freedom.
For me, I reached a point where keeping my feminine side secret was starting to quietly damage the relationship I had with my wife. I hated hiding it from her - it felt dishonest, and that weighed on me more than I expected.
When I first opened up, I only mentioned the idea of wearing panties and stockings during intimacy. She was shocked, understandably, as I’d always presented as quite a typically masculine guy. But she was so sweet about it - she even went and bought me a pair of black lace panties not long after.
From there, we began slowly introducing more of that side of me. Over time, I hinted that I’d love to try wearing clothes, heels, and expressing that deeper feminine energy. Again, there was surprise (and I think some worry I might be gay), but as I reassured her - and continued showing her I was still me, just with a little more softness - she gradually relaxed into it.
These days, she occasionally encourages Jenny time, and I think she’s come to enjoy the sensual, tender side of me that comes out through it. I know I’m incredibly lucky to have a supportive partner, and I never take that for granted.
That said, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there are still darker days - moments where I regret telling her, where I worry she sees me differently or thinks less of me for it. Sometimes I long for the simplicity of being seen as just the masculine version of myself again. But I’m learning to weather those storms, knowing this is all part of becoming more whole and honest with myself - and with her.
@jennyinlace Nice, Jenny! Very uplifting story overall. I wish it was simpler for everyone but we're lucky when we get acceptance which makes us feel loved.
You mention the masculine version of yourself, maybe one day we can be both masculine and feminine and be accepted for our true selves? That might take a while but it sounds nice. People are starting to wear pearl necklaces and paint their nails that identify as masculine I guess. It takes a while to enlighten people to change. I think it will happen.
It's very encouraging that she bought you something pretty. I'm guessing you'll have to keep performing like a strong man though to keep her happy - but, it also might be a turn on for her to be with you dressed in pretty things - who knows what she's thinking!
Don't regret anything though. You will only be happy being yourself.
This a difficult thing in any circumstance. I wrote two articles on 'Who to tell' I am not sure how to link them but they will be under my profile.
I am not in a marriage but there are other considerations, you know your wife, her thoughts, attitudes and view on life so then you could know how she feels about Trans and crossdressing. Even though she may be accepting, if it were another family member or friend could show a level of acceptance. Is there anyone you both know that is an out Trans or dresser? You could test the water and drop it into appropriate conversations as a cast aside comment not to dwell on.
However when it is your partner the reaction can be very different, no one can say how it will go as some will accept without question to all sorts of levels of acceptance to the absolute horror of revulsion and what may go with it which is a divorce, as harsh as it may seem but that's the truth.
If you feel you must come out to her consider if she may actually know, any dressing in the past for a fun event. finding an item you have left out or any covert comments.
I think we all agree it is a difficult thing to do and there is no real script to follow as you have to do it yourself. Already you have been given some sound advice and am sure there will be more to help you should you need it.
I would say take your time and do your homework and if you do go ahead you know we are here for you.
This a difficult thing in any circumstance. I wrote two articles on 'Who to tell' I am not sure how to link them but they will be under my profile.
There you go Angela:
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/telling-can-be-telling-part-1/
https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/telling-can-be-telling-part-two/
I told my wife when I reached the point of being tired of the hiding, sneaking and lying. I was prepared for any eventuality, even divorce. I needed the release of telling her so that I could remain sane.
As for the rest of the family, they still don't know and we keep it that way to keep the peace. From their attitudes we know it would not go well and we wish to see the young ones grow and be part of their lives. Maybe someday they will find out. Same is true for friends.
I told my other half and immediate family last year, when I first realised that I was now doing more than just 'playing girl'. I was soon living full-time, and I've been out to the whole world since about two months in 🙂
