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On most weeks, I typically spend about four nights at my girlfriend's apartment and about three days in my own apartment. A few nights ago, at her place, she became very angry when she saw me looking online at nightgowns. She made it clear that she was not going to allow me in her bed if I was wearing a nightgown.
I felt she over reacted since I was not shopping, just looking. Her response reminded me, however, that while crossdressing is so easy for me, it is not as easy for her. She sometimes enjoys but sometimes only just tolerates me underdressing and going to bed in bra and panties. She has let me know several times that bra-and-panties is her limit. So now I understand that I should not even look at other apparel in her presence.
I do not want to sacrifice this relationship over my crossdressing. It took decades for me to develop my own self-acceptance as a crossdresser, though, so I cannot return to repressing the desire. To sustain our relationship, I must respect her limits, and do the majority of my crossdressing when I am alone in my own apartment. Nevertheless, I cannot help but yearn for the impossible dream, which is greater acceptance on her part so that I can enjoy the freedom to don more femmewear on any day.
Do these feelings sound similar to anyone else's current experience with their SO?
@cece my situation is very similar. I do not want to push too hard, but the limitations are sometimes very difficult. I am hoping to break down the harsh DADT that she enacted about 18 months ago…all I did was ask about a wig style I was looking at….
Crossdressers themselves have personal limits. They are described here every day. Some are self-imposed, some are imposed upon them.
We just have to recognise what the limits are, what lines can't be crossed and what the consequences are if we go too far.
This is always a difficult one Cece. I had a couple of relationships where there were boundaries but we talked and talked and it was not going to work and parted. One ended when she was first told the other was after a lot of discussion. The thing was that she was accepting, within limits but it was her outer world that mattered. We are still good friends and she sees me every so often and happy to see me dressed. In the discussions she asked if I could give it up, which I couldn't and how will it work withing our lives which was going to be tough. The clincher was that I knew that there was the desire to go full time in the future and knew I was trans. A step too far for her at that stage.
The point is Cese is to understand yourself and know where you want to go with it, being open and honest with your partner. Knowing that she has a limited acceptance what if she wanted you to move in together and make a life? Is that a possibility and would that change the dynamics for the worse. If this arrangement you have is permanent then you have your equilibrium and parameters, can you live with that? If not you have some talking to do as this isn't only about you.
I would love a relationship but decided after my experience not to enter into any relationships to achieve my goal and not to cause upset.
One of the rules of engagement for us is no Carole in bed. Otherwise she is good with Carole, goes out with her when out of town and buys things for her. She understands that she is an integral part of me but just doesn’t want it in bed. I was talking with a girl a whole back and we talked about relationships and balance. Some girls use the word sacrifice for not being able to be themselves at all or at certain times. She said that assuming the relationship is important, you are making trade offs. I think that’s an important distinction.
You are right in that it will not go away. Not being able to look at shopping sites for apparel would indicate to me that you two need further talking and understanding. The more we talk and listen to how each other feels helped my wife understand that this is not a hobby that can be put away. Don’t avoid talking about it …if you decide to move in together 100% then you will be challenged so you need to work it through more. It’s an evolution so don’t be upset that she is this way…it’s the way she is today but people can evolve. It won’t happen with out communication. Best wishes for everything to evolve and work out!
Carole
My wife and marriage is important. So are my friendships and family.
My wife married a man and isn't into women. (I'm not into men either. ) my clothes and make-up isn't hidden. But I don't dress enfemme with her. We have pedicures together.
You need to discover what works for you. Both personally and as a couple.
Definitely a major challenge and no easy answers.
I still struggle with many of the same issues and I've been married for over 40 years.
Hope it's some consolation to know that you are not alone and that you have support from this community.
Wishing you all the best, with all of it...
If the two things can not exist together, which one can't you live without?
Cece the struggle is the same for a lot of us.I am fortunate that I can wear panty,bra and Babydoll to bed but dream of dressing as a woman.Where do you draw the line?I under dress everyday but can’t dress fully as the risk is to great.
