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Update:
My deal with my wife that I would give up Hannah for the sake of our marriage was sincere but as we all know fraught with undermining influences. When I made the deal with my wife I did let her know that I couldn’t guarantee that she wouldn’t be back. I based this not only on my history but that of my friends here as well.
I lasted a month and a half without Hannah Jeanne. It was actually easy. I was focused on us and building our relationship back up. But an opportunity to travel by myself to see family gave Hannah an opportunity to see daylight again. Then several weeks later I underdressed every workday for two straight weeks including wearing a bra and large sweaters.
I then called my counselor who I hadn’t seen since mid-summer to talk things out. When I told my wife, she knew that Hannah was back. So we had a phone conversation that night for about an hour discussing the fact that I was dressing again and she seemed resigned to the fact that this is me. I felt relieved but as I found out later her demeanor over the phone was much more passive than what is was in reality. We both went to my counselor two weeks later and this was her first time to vent to anyone other than the wall. I regret that she doesn’t have someone to talk to about this situation. I at least have a small support system in that I have sisters that I have confided in as well as a counselor and doctor. She is angry, frustrated, confused, feels lied to and helpless.
Through all of this we have managed to hold it together. As I lay next to her in bed Sunday morning, I turned my head and told her that she is my best friend (with a tear in my eye). She didn’t hesitate to say that I was her best friend too.
Although she has never seen me as Hannah, she must have an image of me that is sexually repulsive. I don’t know if we will ever have relations again and I can’t say I blame her. After all she married a man. It wasn’t until twenty some years later that she found out she married someone else to. That may be too hard to wrap your head around. We still cuddle at night and she’s held my hand on our most recent date. But she won’t come near my side of the bedroom in fear of finding something that isn’t her’s, but “her’s”.
I have hope. I started this journey with the lowest expectations and hoped for the best. Right now I am hopeful.
I pray for all that are going through the same difficulties that I have and wish you all of the best. Hannah’s back for now. Just trying to keep it low key and enjoy it when I can.
The only advice I can give is if there is true love and friendship. There is hope.
Love you all!
Hannah Jeanne
So brave of you to share your story Hannah, thank you. I am sure there are many friends on this site who are in similar situations, and yours is a message of hope for the future. I hope your wife can come to terms with the fact that letting your feminine side out obviously makes you so happy, and is harmless in itself. We are constantly growing, changing, finding ourselves in this life, but you are still the same beautiful person at your core.
love and hugs
Bianca
Hi Hannah....what a lovely article, but a little sad for what you two are going thru. It sounds like things will improve over time....I pray it does. Love to your both.
Lady Veronica
Yeah, I understand. I was "caught" about two months ago. I lasted about a month and had to start dressing again. I have a new stash of clothes I keep hidden. Our sex life might be permanently altered, though. I'm hopeful, too, but I know she will never accept "Jen". For my own sanity I dress in private, but if I'm caught again it may be the end of our marriage. As I get older, I know that these feelings won't go away. Actually, I feel stronger feminine impulses than I've ever felt before. Just trying to enjoy my limited girl time and hoping we don't have to talk about it too much.
Jen,
for the first time EVER I really thought about the fact that I may be on the path to transitioning, but I can’t wrap my head around the fact that would end a pretty damn good marriage. This week I feel like such a guy (even though I went out to dinner as Hannah - a first). So confusing.
We’ll see all of this unfolds. Just hoping for the best. I hope the best for you too!
take care!
Hannah Jeanne