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Hello everyone I have really been struggling lately. Short story is I am a life long cross dresser that has purged more times than I can count. I met a girl tried to stop for good but eventually after we were married I started dressing and n secret again. 2 years ago I got caught. We discussed it I tried to explain but she does not understand it and is afraid I am going to leave her or want to transition. After she seemed to be ok it eventually turned into she could not handle it. I had to get rid of everything and stop. I have kept that promise. Brought it up a few weeks ago and the answer is it’s not not a no forever just a no for now.
I guess I am mainly frustrated with myself for doing it in secret but also the longer this goes on the more I think about dressing and the harder it is to resist the temptation which leads to me resenting my wife which I also hate. I just seem to be stuck in this cycle where I can understand her feelings and how this really is my fault but then feeling mad at her for forbidding it with no foreseeable changes. If you have read this far thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.
@kelly0589 Hi Kelly, CDH is like family, so it's okay if you vent. The sisters can help you with support. I see. The worst fear that a CD has is getting caught at the wrong time, especially if the person who catches you doesn't accept you. This is one of the reasons why I prefer to remain single. Haha. Seriously, at least your wife gave you the answer, just a "no for now", not forever, so there's a little light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your chin up, sister. 😉
Revel
@kelly0589 I am 30 plus years old and never been married or been in any serious long-term relationship. I have never experienced what many of my sisters on CDH have been through with relationships. I cannot imagine what it would be like to not be able to express myself in the ways that make me happy. It would seem selfish on my part to make it a condition upon the person that I want to be in a relationship with that they are going to have to accept me for who I am. I made the decision long ago that I would not commit to a relationship that I cannot be open and honest in. "It's easy to fall in love, and it's a lifetime commitment and mission to stay in love".
@kelly0589 I'm so sorry for the feelings that you are having Kelly. Many of the folks here have experienced the same.
Being the way you are is not a matter of fault.....this is the way you are wired. It's in your nature and it's not wrong. Hopefully, you can find a way for your wife to understand this and come to some sort of understanding. Counseling for you and your wife would probably be a good way to start addressing the problem.
Now that she knows something, given that you still want to dress, it would be prudent for both of you to get some sort of therapy.
If you don't, are you prepared for the various possible consequences when stuff hits the fan?
Hi Kelly
in my experience it doesn’t pay to try and deny your girly side, but communication and realising your SO’s fears are just as important.
My wife has known and been supportive from day one and 13yrs later still gets worried from time to time. She does have a girlfriend that she’s told in confidence so she has someone she can talk/vent to if needed which as nervous as it made me when I found out I do think is a good thing. I always cuddle up to her in bed and let her know I love her and if I’ve had an extra girly day thank her for letting me be me.
Maybe sit down and having an open honest discussion about how it helps you, recognise her fears and set some boundaries (Only dress when you’re alone, promise to do your own laundry she doesn’t have to see any of it). In time she may end up being fine with seeing Kelly on a regular basis.
I hope it all works out for you.
Cassie
😘
I have been crossdressing all my life I was effeminate as a child. So, I was an easy target for the bullies because I was weak. Then in my early teen I figured out I was an effeminate homosexual. I was raised as a strict Catholic, so I knew I was going to Hell. In my mid-teens I was diagnoses with Gender dysphoria. I believe the Doctor and my mother thought ignore it and he will grow out of it. So, I got married at 21 thinking that would cure me. Well, my wife has caught me several times and there was hell to pay. Now after more than 40 years of marriage I have gone it to therapy. I want to become my authentic self. I want to become the Women that I was always meant to be. Thank you for letting me have this opportunity to vent. Barbra
So sorry, but, you have to make yourself happy, if so, theres someone else in this world to help you enjoy this life. Been through it myself, and finally found the one.. best of luck
Xx
Brianna
From my own experience (& a few other CDs I've met)-- I'd say--- the biggest problem is the S/O other not having Fun with it-- One needs to make things are FUN for Both parties--Be creative--& or just make her life Easier--take on jobs like housework (Cleaning/Laundry ect ect) while dressed-- Let her order the "Maid" around-- Use your imagination--
I think most woman do not really understand why men dress...jell, most men do not really understand it either. This is a situation that would benefit from education and that could happen through therapy. I feel two things need to happen in therapy, or even just in couples having discussions. One is we need to understand what we want to accomplish in our dressing, and just how gar we want to go and our ultimate goal. Are you a man in a dress, or on a path towards being more womanly and possibly considering transition. On the woman's side, she needs to learn why men dress and how it affects a relationship.
My wife is time with men in a dress. Her attitude is that they are just clothes. I do not want to be a woman or to dress full time, transition, et cetera and she knows this. Without could communication woman would not know this. If the goal.is to go beyond that, then they need to know and understand that and have to decide for themselves if it is acceptable.
Tell her what you told us about the frustration this is causing for you.
Kelly your story sound so much like mine. I feel my feminine side is as important to me as my masculine side. My wife feels the same way as mine does. I can share your frustration. What I do know is my feminine side is who I am. I find myself feeling more and more feminine as time goes by. I love the feminine energy I feel when I dress, and feel very comfortable going out in the world as Julie. My situation does make it more difficult to dress, but I make the most of my time as Julie. I would love to chat with you Kelly and we can share our experiences and how I am coping with the situation. Keep your head held high Kelly, we will get through this.
Hugs, Julie
I tried to express my frustration and how important being Kelly is to me. That is what led to the answer being it’s not a no forever but a no for right now. At first I was happy about that answer. I think I was expecting a flat out no but after a few weeks it’s just kind of rubbing me the wrong way. Like there is no definable timetable or plan. We discussed some things that she needs me to be better at as well. So it’s just an oppourtunity for her to deny in the future if all of her needs are not being met. And will she ever actually be accepting? Or just tolerate it and secretly resent me for it?
@kelly0589 Those were my thoughts as I read this, too. There is no timetable for things to change. Having change on one side only doesn't help the situation.
Have things improved since you wrote this?
Same here
"Life sucks", Kelly..."I feel your pain" as I'm sort of in the same situation...BIG difference, I do NOT discuss crossdressing with my wife, PERIOD...!!! I can only add, for me, crossdressing is what gives me the most pleasure of all, at this time in my life...and why should I deprive myself...??? I learned late in life, that trying to please all those around you, while deep inside, you're a miserable wreak, is a challenge that does not have to be. It is NOT selfish to think of yourself and make your own physical and mental welfare, a high priority....if you're happy, making others happy comes much easier...at least this works for me. So sadly, I accomplish this in my BIG secret crossdressing world...made even more difficult since the early days of Covid-19 when all my daily privacy at home was gone...wife working from home, kids back taking classes remotely...daily freedom to dress up and play are long gone now for over 3 years...now, an hour or two, when they're all out running errands, etc....it's all I get...and I'll take it, to satisfy my desires...NOT complaining about it...just stating the facts...I'm happy to get it and at least for now..."life goes on"...!!! I'm sorry, not much help...."doing it in secret" works for me, if it's the ONLY way to "do it"...!!! Good luck...I wish you the best in figuring this out...!!!
Hi Kelly, I’m not really in a good frame of mind to offer advice. It does seem when she says it’s not no forever, that she is just kicking the can down the road hoping the problem will go away. As supportive as my wife has been I’m pretty sure she would like it to just go away but we all know that’s not going to happen.
hugs AnnaBeth
Kelly -
"Oh what a tangled web we weave" - it is not easy being a crossdresser and having a SO at times.
In my situation I've been thru much of what you describe. When I first came out to my wife she was shocked and asked if I was gay or bi, why did I want to dress, etc.. Some of my answers were I didn't know and others were pretty vague, mostly because I didn't know the answers myself. It has been a roller coaster ride over the years going from no dressing, dressing on the sly to now being able to dress with her for the day. When I first came out she suggested therapy, which was a great suggestion not only for my crossdressing but other issues as well. We had periods of separation where she slept in the other room and we didn't talk. We had conversations where I told her I had no intentions to transition (still don't) and how dressing helps me to relax and deal with stress. She has come to accept my dressing and we go shopping together, I can dress for the day at home, she helps me with my make up and putting outfits together, as well as other things. I recently got my ears pierced at her suggestion which was a fun day out. We also go for mani-pedi's every couple months and we help each other pick out what color we want (I only do color on my toes).
For me the key has been open, honest communication, setting boundaries and respecting them. It is a lot for our SO's to take in when we tell them we want to dress for many reasons. I know for me I wanted to do everything at once when I came out but learned that this is a marathon not a sprint and taking time for everyone to process and understand is important.
I hope your situation gets better for you.
XOXO
Suzanne
Suzanne,
you mentioning vague answers really hit home with me. I remember answering a lot of questions at first. The problem was I did not then and still do not have concrete answers. I had only recently decided to stop purging and more or less explore and let Kelly out to try and figure this out.
