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Suggestions for Boundaries with SO’s

26 Posts
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Posts: 11
Lady
Topic starter
(@canadianeagle97)
Trusted Member     North Carolina, United States of America
Joined: 10 months ago

Hey all,

After just recently coming out to my wife, I’m trying to keep the conversation going while still trying to respect her space and the fact that this is all very new and a bit scary to her. 

I had the thought to try and talk through what kind of boundaries we want to set and see what we’re both comfortable with but I’m not sure what all there is to bring up. I have a few ideas but I thought it might be helpful to ask for suggestions, and this way others with the same question are able to see some ideas as well. 

There are things I want to start doing, like purchasing more of my own clothes, underdressing during the day, etc, but I want to have those conversations with her so she doesn’t feel like I’m leaving her out of the loop. My goal is to stay as open as she’s willing to hear, without hitting her with everything all at once! The goal is connection. The last thing I want is for her to feel like theres now a whole different part of me that she doesn’t get to be a part of/understand. That route to me feels like I might as well have kept her in the dark and never came out to her. But of course if she chooses she doesn’t want to know about it, thats up to her and I’ll respect it, as hard as that is. 

Maybe theres also certain ways others have found to bring up these topics without being too upfront/blunt, which I know sometimes I tend to do! 

-Bella

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25 Replies
16 Replies
(@christineth)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Brussels, Brabant, Belgium
Posts: 747

@canadianeagle97 

Bella, these are all very good questions, but they are, I am afraid, almost impossible to answer in a universal way.  You are starting from a great place, not wanting to impose and shock and to see how far she feels comfortable.

I have found that the limits draft as cross dressing becomes more ‘normal’ and familiar.  But it all takes time and must be done slowly - actually I found that doing it at my wife’s pace was best…I never pushed for things, always asking is she was ok with something (before doing it), waiting for her to suggest things.  

Our current ‘limit’ is that I am underdressed all the time, and most of the time (>95%) at home.  But I need to avoid neighbours, keep it from the kids and I never let my dressing stop us from going out wherever and whenever my wife want/needs to - except for swimming (my legs are always shaved and so, when out, I wear leg hiding long drab trousers).

When I say it took a long time to get to this status, I mean probably about 10 years from the time that my wife found out about my dressing.

So be patient, respect her limitations when they are expressed, always ask if she will accept something new.  Respect her pace of acceptance and I am sure that the limits will drift as they did for me.

Oh, and another thing, never take for granted what your wife is agreeing to…it is difficult for them.  Always show your appreciation and gratitude for her letting you do the things we love to do.

Good luck

Hugs

Christine.

 

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Lady
(@candycross)
Joined: 9 months ago

Honorable Member     Queensland, Australia
Posts: 312

@christineth  l think it also has a lot to do with not only the level of communication you have always shared but also how trusting the relationship has always been. When l told my wife l wanted to start cross dressing she didn't understand what l mean , so l said l would like to wear your panties and dresses if it OK with you. She said so you want to dress like a girl and l said yes please, then she said OK that's fine as long as you wear a bra and a skirt and blouse,  then she said oh l will do your make up too.

So l am lucky my wife is so open minded 

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Lady
(@candycross)
Joined: 9 months ago

Honorable Member     Queensland, Australia
Posts: 312

Yes l am also lucky and privileged too, my wife does my make-up and nails. I am also very intimate with her and l tell her how much l love her and show her how much l appreciate and love her. However l also do the house work etc with her. I am very lucky indeed 

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Lady
(@rhondalee)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Winston-Salem, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 630

@candycross you are BLESSED!

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Lady
(@candycross)
Joined: 9 months ago

Honorable Member     Queensland, Australia
Posts: 312

@rhondalee l am very blessed, my wife and l are very close and have a very high level of communication,  thankyou for your comment

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Lady
(@rhondalee)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Winston-Salem, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 630

@christineth great response. Waiting is hard as we all want to reveal and chat as much as possible after breaking the communication barrier. It's tempting to say and do too much too soon. But revealing only what is tolerable and welcome, and honoring boundaries is important. Boundaries vary widely and finding what they are and honoring them is important. They also can change, in either direction at any time for any reason or no reason at all.. It is challenging to go with the flow when tidal waves can come out of nowhere. Maybe she will talk to a friend who influences her or read something that changes her opinion, or just decides for whatever reason that the skirt you are wearing needs to go to Goodwill and be replaced by mens jeans. It's a slippery slope for many. Few of us understand why we have this peculiar need and why we can't control it. It is even harder for a spouse to understand. Most tolerate but few actively support.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3998

@canadianeagle97 Communication is obviously key, but, at the same time, you don't want to annoy or overwhelm her by having frequent conversations about crossdressing. She may not be ready for that yet.

And you are keen to get things rolling, but, again, you don't want to overwhelm her. Time is on your side and rushing ahead may be counterproductive. As many CDs will say, doing things gradually doesn't meet as much resistance and your patience may even gain you an ally.

 

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Lady
(@candycross)
Joined: 9 months ago

Honorable Member     Queensland, Australia
Posts: 312

@canadianeagle97 my wife and l have always been very honest and open with each other and have a great communication level.

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(@cdashley)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1488

@canadianeagle97 Well you know your wife better then anyone here so I think you will have to figure out where she is at. In my case when I came out to my wife I wrote out a list of things I’d like to do or interested in and gave it to her to look over then we talked about it after she made her comments on the things we was totally ok with, things she didn’t want to see and a few that were ok in time. It worked for us and we have an understanding about things. Now since then she has opened right up and I can do pretty much whatever I want to do on my journey. Good luck with choices.

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Lady
(@rhondalee)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Winston-Salem, North Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 630

@cdashley great approach! Glad it worked for you! We took a counseling course called IMAGO. It encouraged a similar approach.. each partner lists the things they deeply desire and the other responds by saying it is no problem, it is something they are willing to try to adapt to, or there is absolutely no way they could accept. My list of deep desires out acceptance of crossdressing high on the list and her response was no way. The exercises are difficult and lead each toward acceptance of the others longings. We progressed, but some deep desires were things the other could not come to accept, at least on a lasting basis. I think there is always hope the crossdressing will go away over time, but facing the time tested reality that it won't, and is even  likely to grow is hard to accept.

I think it helps if the couple can agree to retain their discussions in private, or at least honor the other's request to do so. In my case I felt she needed to be able to share her burden with more than just an accepting counselor. Giving permission to do that led to bad places.  Relatively few people can understand this is not a choice, so they tend to advise holding their ground and insisting their spouse act like a man. They may relate it to their own negative experiences with men and caution against tolerance. Of course gossip travels quickly, and loose lips sink ships.

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Lady
(@cherylt)
Joined: 6 months ago

Prominent Member     Honesdale, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 468

@canadianeagle97 Well she already knows so it's not a big shock for you to want your own things.

Find time alone with her and just talk openly and honestly. No demands, no line in the sand, just "I would like to ..." Involve her in this so she won't feel left out. Ask her for advice on clothing and such. Make her feel you want her input and her questions and be honest with your answers. 

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Lady
(@candycross)
Joined: 9 months ago

Honorable Member     Queensland, Australia
Posts: 312

@canadianeagle97 Bella my wife and l are extremely close and we can and do talk about everything.  So for myself when l told my wife l wanted to wear dresses etc my wife was fine with it, in fact my wife put my nail polish on for me and taught me how to apply make-up and buys me clothes underwear etc. However it's difficult to answer these questions as good as they are because l don't know how close you are to your wife and how open to this type of conversation she is. Only you know how open your wife is to this. I guess it's something you need to take one step at a time and maybe ask your wife if she is truly OK with your crossdressing,  sorry l am not much help

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Duchess
(@missylinda)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Ft Worth, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 848

@canadianeagle97     My best friend and I take the longevity prize here, married 56 years.  I tell her everything and she trusts me.   When I came out only 4 years ago she was tolerant  but. Laid down 3 ground rules which I accepted.  She , I’m sure, would rather I not be Lorraine, but throughout our marriage we try to think of the others feelings.

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Lady
(@jillleanne)
Joined: 2 years ago

Prominent Member     Renfrew, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 594

@canadianeagle97 Maybe you could repeat what you typed here to her. Everything you said would be a great way to communicate your position with her.

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Managing Ambassador
(@bellaz76)
Joined: 4 months ago

Prominent Member     London, Middlesex, United Kingdom
Posts: 343

@canadianeagle97 I love how much you care, that’s where to begin the conversations. 
I care so much about you and want you to feel able to have your say, how about we have a chat through what we want a discuss . Can’t go hugely wrong, she will either say no thank u or ok let’s do that.

you might wanna give her some time to think through as well, you have already thought it through she might need that also.

good luck, update us on how it goes, all useful info for us all. 😍❤️

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3998

Posted by: @canadianeagle97

Maybe theres also certain ways others have found to bring up these topics without being too upfront/blunt, which I know sometimes I tend to do! 

How has this worked out for you since you opened this topic, Bella?

One subtle thing that you can do is to go shopping with your wife and ask her opinion on an item that interests you. You could also ask in code if it would look good on Bella.

This can help her to slowly adjust incrementally to her new reality without having to talk about things out loud. It isn't really blatant even though it is literally in her face. You also get her approval to wear something nice that you bought in front of her. It would be harder for her to say no, later, if she participated in the choice to acquire it.

I did this once in an H&M. I tried on my first miniskirt off of a rack while my wife watched me slide it on over my clothes between other racks. No real complaints, so I bought it in front of her. Now that it is winter I frequently wear it in the hot apartment. That's when she asked me where I got it. She had forgotten. I will take that as a win.

 

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Posts: 1045
Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

@canadianeagle97

Posted by: @canadianeagle97

I want to have those conversations with her so she doesn’t feel like I’m leaving her out of the loop. My goal is to stay as open as she’s willing to hear, without hitting her with everything all at once! The goal is connection. 

↑↑↑ This, this, this. Keep it all above board and on the table. The parts that you keep secret or hidden because you're ashamed of them or just think she won't care are going to be the things that terrify her. She's just started coming to grips with this thing which, to her, seems like a game changer.

I would say that it's going to take a lot of effort from you as well. This is a thing you've kept locked away for ages and now need to start talking about (with her) over morning coffee in the day's plans. "Hey, I would like to start getting some things of my own. Would you help me?" Involving her is a great way to give it an 'us' aspect and not be all a 'me' thing.

Good luck!

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1 Reply
Lady
(@maive)
Joined: 3 years ago

Estimable Member     Western NY, New York, United States of America
Posts: 117

@melodeescarlet Great advice Melodee!!!! The key is communication and inclusion as much as possible.

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Posts: 3404
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

You know you can be blunt or too up front so temper that and the rest you say is the way to go - don't overload her, take your time and keep her on board.

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Posts: 147
Duchess
(@3s3eve)
Reputable Member     Chicago, Illinois, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Bella,

Great reflection. It is hard to know how much to share, as perhaps your SO, like mine, is uncomfortable with many aspects crossdressing and sometimes does not want to hear details, even though she appreciates that I want to share what is going on.  Especially if something new comes up, such as me thinking about attending a CD/TG event fully dressed.

It seems you are in a very good place with communication and level of acceptance.

Thanks for sharing,

Hugs 

Evie

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Posts: 31
Guest
(@Anonymous 95926)
Eminent Member
Joined: 10 months ago

Like everyone else has already said - you need to communicate and keep those lines open at all times. However, don’t feel like you have to always talk about your crossdressing. She may feel pressured and go into her shell. I experienced this first hand. Also, it’s important that you aren’t asking her permission, but you’ll have to give some to get some. If it means not underdress for the time being but being able to get your own day, then that’s a win. 

With regards to purchasing items, I just buy them from Amazon and pick them up the local Whole Foods. Obviously you can’t do that for other vendors, so I recommend letting her know ahead of time that a package is arriving in your name. If she asks, you can say it’s my outfits. 

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Posts: 316
(@oliviac)
Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Joined: 1 year ago

Hi Bella.  Like the other girls have said be upfront with everything. I have found over the 10 almost 11 years now my wife has known I'm gender fluid it's secrecy that will hurt her and your relationship more than anything. Not forgetting secrecy will make you feel guilty over dressing which is something you should never have to feel guilty about.

It does take time for her to accept things and sometimes you think it will never happen but eventually she will accept some things. Even for me last week after all that time my wife said she is now happy to see my toenails painted and to leave them that way all the time. (for winter anyway as in summer I walk around bare foot or in thongs most of the time) 

Brilliant piece of advice Melodee asking for help with things from your SO. I have never tried to do that before to get her involved. I'm definitely going to give it a try.

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Posts: 21
(@vermonta)
Eminent Member     Georgetown/Crescent City, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Hi Bella, it can be a roller coaster! When my wife and I started getting serious, I told her about my panty and lingerie wearing, and, being the open minded person she is, she accepted it. I took that as a green light and progressed into wearing dresses, skirts, and blouses. I also opened a store on e-bay to sell items to crossdressers which gave me an excuse to browse thrift shops and yard sales for inventory, and for Brandy.

We've had many talks of limits and the usual questions about where is this going, are you dressing to attract men, are you going to leave me for a man, etc.? Sometimes all would go well and other times you could feel immense tension. Usually it would end with "I don't mind what you do at home, just don't go out and don't let the kids or neighbors know.

A couple of months ago, we went to a meet & greet night with the local Pride group to meet with a couple we know whose husband is a crossdresser, with the idea that the two wives could support each other. It was a disaster! The woman unloaded on my wife all the pent up feelings she had about her husband and we came home to get into an argument about my crossdressing. We didn't speak much for days, and then had another discussion about limits and concerns. I didn't dress for a week and then we had another talk, and she told me she does really not mind my dressing at home at all, just keep the bra covered.

Out of the blue, last week she asked if I would like to go with her to a restaurant dressed.  Somewhere that nobody knows us. Of course, I am very anxious to.

My point is that it is not all baby steps forward, sometimes it seems like it is all backward and you have to expect the setbacks, moods, fears and concerns to make progress.

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Posts: 2166
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

As said, there is no universal way to answer this since we and our spouse are all in different places and have different aspects to our dressing. The simple answer though, is to ask her. For my wife and I I simply tell jer if anything ever bothers her, or I take something too far she can simply tell me. She rarely says anything other then occasionally pointing out if my bra is showing, or if I have too much projection from my forms. If she does, I just adjust as necessary and we are on oir way. I do not argue or negotiate, I just correct what ever she mentions and life goes on swimmingly.

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Posts: 312
Lady
(@candycross)
Honorable Member     Queensland, Australia
Joined: 9 months ago

You are a very lucky lady ❤️ 

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