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Hey all,
After just recently coming out to my wife, I’m trying to keep the conversation going while still trying to respect her space and the fact that this is all very new and a bit scary to her.
I had the thought to try and talk through what kind of boundaries we want to set and see what we’re both comfortable with but I’m not sure what all there is to bring up. I have a few ideas but I thought it might be helpful to ask for suggestions, and this way others with the same question are able to see some ideas as well.
There are things I want to start doing, like purchasing more of my own clothes, underdressing during the day, etc, but I want to have those conversations with her so she doesn’t feel like I’m leaving her out of the loop. My goal is to stay as open as she’s willing to hear, without hitting her with everything all at once! The goal is connection. The last thing I want is for her to feel like theres now a whole different part of me that she doesn’t get to be a part of/understand. That route to me feels like I might as well have kept her in the dark and never came out to her. But of course if she chooses she doesn’t want to know about it, thats up to her and I’ll respect it, as hard as that is.
Maybe theres also certain ways others have found to bring up these topics without being too upfront/blunt, which I know sometimes I tend to do!
-Bella
I want to have those conversations with her so she doesn’t feel like I’m leaving her out of the loop. My goal is to stay as open as she’s willing to hear, without hitting her with everything all at once! The goal is connection.
↑↑↑ This, this, this. Keep it all above board and on the table. The parts that you keep secret or hidden because you're ashamed of them or just think she won't care are going to be the things that terrify her. She's just started coming to grips with this thing which, to her, seems like a game changer.
I would say that it's going to take a lot of effort from you as well. This is a thing you've kept locked away for ages and now need to start talking about (with her) over morning coffee in the day's plans. "Hey, I would like to start getting some things of my own. Would you help me?" Involving her is a great way to give it an 'us' aspect and not be all a 'me' thing.
Good luck!
You know you can be blunt or too up front so temper that and the rest you say is the way to go - don't overload her, take your time and keep her on board.
Bella,
Great reflection. It is hard to know how much to share, as perhaps your SO, like mine, is uncomfortable with many aspects crossdressing and sometimes does not want to hear details, even though she appreciates that I want to share what is going on. Especially if something new comes up, such as me thinking about attending a CD/TG event fully dressed.
It seems you are in a very good place with communication and level of acceptance.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs
Evie
Like everyone else has already said - you need to communicate and keep those lines open at all times. However, don’t feel like you have to always talk about your crossdressing. She may feel pressured and go into her shell. I experienced this first hand. Also, it’s important that you aren’t asking her permission, but you’ll have to give some to get some. If it means not underdress for the time being but being able to get your own day, then that’s a win.
With regards to purchasing items, I just buy them from Amazon and pick them up the local Whole Foods. Obviously you can’t do that for other vendors, so I recommend letting her know ahead of time that a package is arriving in your name. If she asks, you can say it’s my outfits.
Hi Bella. Like the other girls have said be upfront with everything. I have found over the 10 almost 11 years now my wife has known I'm gender fluid it's secrecy that will hurt her and your relationship more than anything. Not forgetting secrecy will make you feel guilty over dressing which is something you should never have to feel guilty about.
It does take time for her to accept things and sometimes you think it will never happen but eventually she will accept some things. Even for me last week after all that time my wife said she is now happy to see my toenails painted and to leave them that way all the time. (for winter anyway as in summer I walk around bare foot or in thongs most of the time)
Brilliant piece of advice Melodee asking for help with things from your SO. I have never tried to do that before to get her involved. I'm definitely going to give it a try.
Hi Bella, it can be a roller coaster! When my wife and I started getting serious, I told her about my panty and lingerie wearing, and, being the open minded person she is, she accepted it. I took that as a green light and progressed into wearing dresses, skirts, and blouses. I also opened a store on e-bay to sell items to crossdressers which gave me an excuse to browse thrift shops and yard sales for inventory, and for Brandy.
We've had many talks of limits and the usual questions about where is this going, are you dressing to attract men, are you going to leave me for a man, etc.? Sometimes all would go well and other times you could feel immense tension. Usually it would end with "I don't mind what you do at home, just don't go out and don't let the kids or neighbors know.
A couple of months ago, we went to a meet & greet night with the local Pride group to meet with a couple we know whose husband is a crossdresser, with the idea that the two wives could support each other. It was a disaster! The woman unloaded on my wife all the pent up feelings she had about her husband and we came home to get into an argument about my crossdressing. We didn't speak much for days, and then had another discussion about limits and concerns. I didn't dress for a week and then we had another talk, and she told me she does really not mind my dressing at home at all, just keep the bra covered.
Out of the blue, last week she asked if I would like to go with her to a restaurant dressed. Somewhere that nobody knows us. Of course, I am very anxious to.
My point is that it is not all baby steps forward, sometimes it seems like it is all backward and you have to expect the setbacks, moods, fears and concerns to make progress.
As said, there is no universal way to answer this since we and our spouse are all in different places and have different aspects to our dressing. The simple answer though, is to ask her. For my wife and I I simply tell jer if anything ever bothers her, or I take something too far she can simply tell me. She rarely says anything other then occasionally pointing out if my bra is showing, or if I have too much projection from my forms. If she does, I just adjust as necessary and we are on oir way. I do not argue or negotiate, I just correct what ever she mentions and life goes on swimmingly.
You are a very lucky lady ❤️