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Thank you- the unsuccessful SO

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(@Anonymous)
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Thanks for the past advice!

I’ve been here for a month, and can’t believe how much I’ve changed already, due to what I’ve learned from you.  It’s given me the perspective I needed and wasn’t getting from my CD’ing partner.  Thank you for that!

I met him almost 2 yrs ago, and experienced an instant connection those of us dating post-divorce know is rare.  I remain head over heels in love with him, but am heartbroken to realize it’s not going to work.  It’s not the CD’ing I have issues with.  It’s the way he handles it, and not treating me as a partner in this.

I deserve to be a part of our relationship, I deserve to be considered, and I’d like to be made to feel special too. It’s been about what he needs; I’ve never been asked what I need.  I’m so in awe of those of you who make your SO’s a priority.  After all, we’re all just looking to love and be loved.  Those of you who value the love you’ve found, and know that support is a two way street, have been such an inspiration to me.

I didn’t know.  I believed his words.  He ‘enjoyed feeling pretty’, he rarely used make up and wigs, wasn’t venturing out in public, didn’t have a ‘femme’ name, and didn’t want to ‘pass’.  The only thing he ever complained about was that I didn’t ask what he wore when he went to a LGBT-friendly event.  When I asked what he wanted from me in terms of support, it was to be able to talk about it.  He didn’t ask for my involvement and indicated it’s a ‘sometimes’ thing for him.

We don’t communicate well, and I can be short tempered, mostly because all I know is what’s in my head, my past experiences with men, and how I interpret his ‘needing space’ when angry/hurt to be giving me the silent treatment.

We broke up for a couple of months, but (for me) it wasn’t over.  We got back together a month ago, and I’ve been happy to have this new chance, as I approached it differently.  I gained a new understanding and increased patience from you all.  But when I went ‘half way’, he wasn’t even in sight.

This time, I found a different playing field.  He’d gotten a substantial girlie tattoo on his upper thigh, was wearing polish on his toe nails, and was going out more in public.  The ‘sometimes’ definitely seemed to be more ‘all the time’.  So I was left wondering what it meant, both for his need to be feminine, and for us as a couple.  But his words were the same.

The CD’ing became part of our regular conversations though (not the deep insightful things, but the ‘joking’ about wearing a blouse to work, or talking about underwear styles).  I could accept it, even though I didn’t know how far.  He is two-years post heart attack and has severe ED, so I’d even asked if he thought wearing panties in that scenario would help.

I’m not really sure what set him off this time, but it has something to do with polish on his fingernails. Note: I don’t use it myself (I actually HATE the feel of it) and it gives me the heebie jeebies to see it on almost anyone. He knows this.  I’m not ready to accept that, and can only imagine it takes his gender expression up another notch.  I feel badly for what HE must be going through, and it may well be the ‘pink fog’ a few of you had suggested.  But I am ALSO going through it.  Alone, and without support and a place to talk.  Other than here.

Ultimately, I feel like I’m the unnecessary extra in this relationship, the afterthought.  It’s like the woman he wants to date, and the woman who is pampered, is himself.  He spent $ on a mani/pedi when he hasn’t even treated me to a date in a month!!

So, this week, while I had hoped to be spending time with him, we seem to be in a fight.  Although I love him, this can’t continue.  It’s breaking me more each time, as I’m sure it is him. I’m heartbroken.  But, I’m also feeling much more positive than the last time due to this forum.  I know I gave it my all.  He didn’t reciprocate.

There have been many of you who have reached out to me and offered perspective, advice and support.  I have really appreciated it!  Thank you for considering the unsuccessful SO. xoxo

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20 Replies
Posts: 1502
Duchess
(@augustvaliant)
Noble Member     Long Island, New York, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

You said you both don't communicate well. Your post is very well thought out and demonstrates clear concise thoughts and well described feelings. Your losing your temper is probably "in the moment" which many people, myself included, have a problem with. Sometime I just have to ask to table a discussion so I can walk away to think it all out and organize my thoughts. I find that very helpful. As far as your needs not being met all I can say is I'm sorry you are heart broken. I think most of us can relate to that. I wish you well and good luck. (((hugs)))

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Posts: 1781
Lady
(@ohlivialivin)
Noble Member     Norfolk, Ontario, Canada
Joined: 6 years ago

What many of the ladies here would not give to have someone half as understanding. Its a shame and I hope somewhere down the line he understands and learns from this, as you seem to have done. My best to you in your future relationships, wherever they may lead you.

💋Olivia

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Guest
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

<p style="text-align: left;">Beautifully expressed Nic , sorry for your heartbreak but congratulations on you putting your needs as a priority , I hope your future encompasses happiness xx Tiff</p>

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Posts: 1351
Ambassador
(@elbereth)
Noble Member     Northampton, Massachusetts, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

I am so sorry that things are not working out and that your partner is only willing to accept your support on his terms only and not see the support that you are willing to give and need back.  I know that without my wife's love and support in this I would not be where I am today.  I wish you much success and happiness in whatever will come next for you.

 

Michelle

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Posts: 361
Lady
(@toofine4me)
Honorable Member     Cincinnati, Kentucky, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

How ironic to read your post and hear your disappointment. I was just thinking this week that I wonder how preoccupied I have been with my CDing and my adjustment issues and what it all means. I think about how I've been consumed by it, and coming out to friends with conversations that go on for an hour - all focused on ME! It's too easy to get my mind all wrapped up in this experience. And It's easy for friends and those in my support circle to keep talking about me and asking questions about me. They are obviously curious, but our relationship can easily become one dimensional.

I don't have an SO right now. I've been told I'm a good listener, so I hope I can do that for my next SO. I know that in the past I've avoided relationships that started out with a single focus. How ironic that I might create that very problem!

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Topic starter
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

Lorie, you sound like an exceptional person! I think recognizing the need to focus on yourself is super, and to have those long talks with people close to you is very important.

I think for me too, this experience was a time for learning and growing.  It just wasn't the right guy, or time for me.  I'm thrilled with what I got from this month alone though.

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Posts: 1435
Lady
(@rbekka)
Noble Member     SF Bay Area, California, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

Hi Nic,

So sorry for all you are going through.  I would say the hard truth is, you need to move on for your own health and well being.

You gave it your all and it appears obvious he needed someone he could come out to, to get that "okay" and once he did, he's ready to get out there like he's probably always wanted to do.

Trying anymore would only lead to more heartache for you, he got what he wanted or needed, in a not so nice way.  He may or may not have done so consciously, but he did.

Pick yourself up, you are a good if not great woman.  You put someone else before yourself, and now its time to pay yourself back.

Be good to yourself.

Luck and Love,

Rebekka

 

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Topic starter
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

Exactly what I realized too Rebekka.  Sometimes people are either 'not that into you', or too selfish to be a partner.  That's ok. It would have been great if he had actually been able to break up with me, rather than give the ghosting silent treatment after a two-year relationship, but that's for him to sort out.

Neither you nor I know him, and both of us can only guess at what's happening with him or his motivation for acting this way.  He's not the man, or woman, I thought him to be. What is obvious to anyone and everyone is that it's over.  But I've learned so much from him, and can never regret that.

I already know I'll be fine, but thank you for your kind words.

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Posts: 7139
Ambassador
(@rose)
Illustrious Member     Peterborough , Ontario, Canada
Joined: 8 years ago

I'm so sorry to hear how  your   situation that  has been developing and you not being able to flourish through all this. It's always been said true values in any relationship is based on the abilities to communicate. Knowing how to compromise and to respect each other's opinions and personal  concerns affecting themselves as a person with their individual wants and needs  and as a couple always  working on compromises . . Your a wonderful person and I do feel for you. To reach out as you have only to be silence for trying to open your heart  is a very difficult task . I hope you find strength moving forward. We're all here and always  will be here to listen and comfort when you ever need friend.   Big hugs...

Stephanie 💖

 

 

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Posts: 445
Lady
(@andreauk)
Honorable Member     CAMBRIDGE, Cambridgeshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 7 years ago

Hi Nic

Whilst I am sorry it did not work out for you, in the end you have come to the right decision, and it's a decision only you could have taken. It's hard when a relationship is a bit one sided, when you feel like you're always the one who gives but gets little in return. I do wish you the very best for the future, you will find someone out there that will love and appreciate a wonderful woman such as you. All you have to do is find him! Good luck on your quest and remember all the lovely girls here at CDH!

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Topic starter
(@Anonymous)
New Member
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Thank you Stephanie.  I really appreciate all you've done to support me.

I have good hours, and bad hours.  When I posted this, I was frustrated with the fact that he'd given me the silent treatment for days for something he only FELT I had done (not something I'd even actually done).  I'd tried to call him at the time, after stating I was sad about the finger nail surprise, because I had about 4 questions/concerns to talk through.  But he wouldn't even take my call.  That's not a mature 'partner' response in my world, and it frustrates me.

That's not cross dressing, is it?  It's disinterest, and him looking for a way out.  Again.  It only dawned on me recently that he actually broke up with me, without having to say the words.  Just withdrew.  And I realized that this month, he never actually showed he wanted to be with me, and had a very negative view of who I was and what I must mean when I tried to show him my perspective.  I've been trying to find a way to communicate.  Why didn't I notice he wasn't interested?

All we all want is to surround ourselves with people who like us and want to be around us.  Which is why so many of the posts here have resonated with me, while I was trying to build a relationship with him. Now I want to make room in my life for those people- myself, my family and my friends.

Honestly, I'm gutted.  As so many of you know, I came on here to learn.  I wanted to be able to be there to support him through whatever journey he's going through.  I just hoped to be supported myself, as the cd'ing makes me understandably so confused and insecure.  You all gave me the strength to expect that, and know I deserve it.

I wish I had never posted this, as it serves as a reminder of how much I wasn't loved.  But it's my sincere thanks to this community.

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Posts: 299
Duchess
(@mollyg)
Reputable Member     Alberta, Canada
Joined: 6 years ago

Nic;

I just wanted to add my voice to Stephanie's.  Preciously few SO are fully supportive and to be a CD and discard an SO who is trying to be supportive just leaves me feeling so bad for you.    I'm really sorry that this relationship has not gone well for you and wish nothing but the best for you going forward.

I'd also like to say, (as a CD with a wonderful SO), that the effort and approach you've taken with research and attempts to support this man are significant and speak to you being a person who is very worthwhile, I'm sure this is going to serve you well;  We often discover too late in life that the measure of a person is how they affect the people around them, and there's no doubt that you will make the lives of the people you care for simply better.

I suspect you wont have much need to be on this site going forward, but thank-you just for being you and showing us that there are people like you out there.   Of course you'll always be welcome to come and chat anyway.

Hugs and warmest wishes

-Molly

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Topic starter
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

Thank you so much Molly.  That was beautiful and so kind.  I’m definitely not perfect and haven’t always reacted perfectly.  But I’m a work in progress.  🙂

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Posts: 1700
Hostess
(@pattygurlcd)
Noble Member     Louisville, Kentucky, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

Hi Nic, I am so sorry about your marriage It sounds like you have been very understanding and trying to save your marriage.

I must say this pink fog as the term as been coined can be overwhelming to us.

Its like years of frustration of being denied something we need so bad starts coming out like a dam busting slowly.

Unfortunately we C/D ers can become consumed and forget about our spouses needs.

I for one am guilty and I am trying to balance my wife needs with my own.

Sometimes we get angry at all the limitations our society applies and that has been focused at my spouse at times.

nothing serious but it gets focused  towards her limitations she imposes on me I guess.

Any way you hold your head up high you have done what any body could expect.

Thank you for sharing and our prayers are with you.

Unfortunately your spouse seems to be losing a great person.

Love Patty

 

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