The whole friend thingy

Hi Olivia......thank you for pointing this out. You are absolutely right. Words these days seem to get so many definitions. In Vietnam, as a medic...I gave my blood and put up my life for friends in my troop. After all these years....I only hear from the odd one. Maybe associates would be a better term. In war time....we must have each others backs or we all die. In peacetime this is not so. Finding a true friend who will die for you....well few and far between. Look forward to hearing more from you.

Hugs....Dame Veronica

I'm with you all the way Olivia. I never did understand the"Facebook style" friend collecting. I'm not a number! It does however make me feel guilty to press that "other" button. But yes a friend to me is someone I converse with regularly...have many things in common...and are there for each other in time of need. In fact some that I call friend you won't find on my "friends list" because we don't find it necessary to post it to the world. We know we're friends and that's all that matters.

Hello Olivia. I certainly understand your sentiments. Any time I get a friend request I send a personal message to the requester explaining I don’t want numbers but real “friends”. If they don’t respond and start a conversation I don’t accept the request. If however they respond and start a conversation I will immediately accept and try to stay in touch. I have made some good friends that way and have people to “talk” with about whats going on in both our lives good and bad. I believe thats what a real friend is for.

🍷C

hi olivia. I can fully understand your views, but for myself it would represent a 'double edged sword'. let me explain....

the good points, well, I came here to make friends, of which I have, and very dear friends too. I always like to send a welcome private message, just to say thankyou for wanting to be my friend, out of politeness. before I joined CDH, cross dressing for me was a lonely, isolated existence. I do welcome new friends and I have absolutely no issue with this at all.

the bad points, this can be a problem as your friends list ever grows. its trying to keep in contact with everyone, I admit, sending everyone regular messages, for example, if you have a friends list greater than 20, can be a problem, especially if you have other commitments, or like myself, regularly post on forums and replies etc. obviously then, the worst happens, friends you accepted, receive little or no communication from you, which surely defeats the object. I admit, I struggle, I dont want to reject friends, but I struggle keeping in touch!! this is in no way a negative reflection on me but I only have so many minutes/hours in the day!

thanks for the post olivia, it is totally understandable 🙂

fiona xxx

Thank you all for your perspectives and thoughtful comments. These processes that you've laid out for considering friend requests give me some new options and criteria for assembling my friends.

Up until now, I have viewed a request with an eye to what I can glean from a member's profile and activity. I feel like the profile can reveal a lot about a person so that I can decide if their values are in alignment with mine. If I see a profile or activity that seems primarily focused on sexual innuendo or exhibitionism, I can be clear for myself that their intentions are probably not in alignment with mine. If a request's profile and activity is vulnerable and spoken from the heart of a lady who is on a challenging journey, I'm likely to accept the request and open a dialogue.

The last thing I'd like to say is that I rarely respond to a request that does not have some kind of photo or profile information. If someone is not willing to invest themselves into their own page, I wouldn't expect them to treat me any differently.

If someone doesn't accept my friend request, I go to my default mindset; "Your opinion of me is none of my business."

I certainly see "friends" online in different ways to "real life".

There are 3 types to me;

1. Friends I have in real life. A given.

2. Online people who have shown that their interests and feelings on a subject or area of life overlap considerably with mine - or in some way have exhibited personality traits which are so conpatible with mine that I feel I'd like to know that person better.

3. Anyone who comes to me for help. This last category I an careful with, as there are those who have abused it in the past - but I will never turn away in the first instance. As someone who spends part of their working life in cyber security, a profile without any personal details is a matter for concern - and there are other clues I look for which I won't divulge. A cry for help is a cry for help, and if it's not real, at least I bothered to find out, and if I can give any advice, I will - although the forums are the best place for that!

As I am more happily married now than I was even a month ago, and only attracted to actual women, I am not open to anything beyond friendship - but I will be the best friend I can be to any of you!

Love

Laura

Through my continuung exposure to the many fine people here on CDH I have relaxed somewhat. The mind is still bending around the differences in expectations.

I started to clean out all of my "friends" on here. I only keep my real girlfriends on the site now, as in: I have met you in real life, or I really have regular talks/chats with you on CDH. This collecting of "Pokémon friends" is not my style anymore. I feel bad but people should really know their friends to really be your friends; and not someone to just be collected on their wall!

-SR-

I agree and still hold the same belief, that we should know and spend time with those we consider to be actual friends.

BUT

Through the heartfelt thoughts of others on this matter, personal growth and confirmed by life here experience, I have found that inviting or accepting newer members as friends who are often times reserved, scared, or shy when they first join can be a defining moment in their growth and participation. I now do routinely for those that spark a shared interest and see where it leads from there. Some have turned out to be true blessings with whom I share with by PM, follow posts and replies of with interest and that I keep in touch with as often as time constraints allow. How else, without any conversation, can we possibly know what the scope of friendship might be there. Like you said, they can be cleared later if it turns out they are just collectors. As with many things, its whatever works for us as individuals.

I have a loose interpretation of the term 'friends' in the online world. I prefer to think of them as connections. I know I probably won't meet most of them IRL and I'm okay with that. I also know that my interactions with most of them will be sporadic. That doesn't diminish their value.

When I came to CDH I was hoping to connect with like minded people, and the 'friend' functionality of the site has been a great way to do that. Another goal when I joined was to meet some gals and become friends IRL. That's happened and I think clicking the friend button is partly responsible.

I also want to be mindful of the new gals that need help. CDH could be the last house on the block for some of them. Depression runs deep in our community and rejection is a common thread. I don't want anyone to feel I rejected them (except creeps of course), so I'm inclined to accept all friend requests. Lifting some gal's spirits or stopping her from making a bad decision is a win for both of us.

Namaste,
Emily

Hi Olivia,

I really appreciate your candor regarding friendships.

I understand the word choice option when choosing to accept or reject could be taken as harsh.

As a person who just came from a great internet friendship that I messed up and it about destroyed me emotionally. I didn't think something like that would effect me but in this case it absolutely did.

So I understand your caution and choosing carefully who you friend and for not wanting to lead someone along only to destroy them later.

Also when I was at a very fragile point recently there were three people on here that took the time to chat and helped lift me up out of that hurt.
we may not be my best friends but they are forever in my debt for what they did for me.

I also am trying to grasp this whole online friendship its difficult in some aspects.

I do know I have met some friends here that have shared some of their life with me and I am a better person for knowing them.

I also know I may have missed some good friends by not following up with their friendship requests.
For that I am sorry

Patty

Hey Patty

Social media has alot going for it, this wonderful site is a fine example, but the handling and maintaining relationships differ greatly. Its certainly a big adjustment for those of us with limited experience in it.

I recall your struggles and share in the feelings of loss through a similar problem as you know.

Its often the smaller geniune personal gestures when corresponding that have the most impact. I always try to remember when I was a nervous new member, how it felt when someone reached out to me.

We need to put newer online friendships in a healthy realistic perpective, but we should certainly never shy away from trying because we run the risk of missing out on meeting some fantastic people.

Olivia

I have a suggestion instead of reject it could state NOT AT THIS TIME meaning that the door is still open for acceptance. This maybe better due to fact that person that is being ask may have a lot on their plate.

Alysha

Hey Liv !

When I get a friend request, I read their profile, check the date they joined, see if they have any pics posted, and see if they have posted any topics. I accept probably 95% of the requests I get. I have to have a bad vibe or the requester has to appear to be a non-entity for me to decline. I figure that some will be the type that you hear from once or twice before they move on. Especially the new ones, helping them feel welcome and getting them off with a good start is very important. I also think the ones that become real friends will keep in touch. Not always consistently because as a few have already said, keeping in touch with many friends can be a daunting task simply because we only have so many hours in a day. I know my CDH time fluctuates quite a bit at times. I probably have 15 unanswered messages in my inbox, but my work load and schedule changed quite a bit and with kids home from college for break, there has been much more demand for my time. (I have also been feeling more manly for some reason over the holidays so call me miss cranky panties.)

I don't see the number on my friends list as a pokemon type collection. I have some really great friends here. I have a lot of really nice acquaintances. I have a group of nice people I know very little but one of us thought to be friends. I have a small group that I know truly nothing about unless I go and read their profile. I won't delete them though. I believe friendships are like seeds in an apple...... There is probably a dozen seeds in an apple....... How many apples in a seed ?

Hugs

Autumn