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My wife is very religious we are Independent Fundamental Baptist, she found out about my dressing over ten years ago, I agreed to stop but we all know that was never going to happen. If any thing I am more likely now to go full time or at lest most of the time. I have had some talks with her about it she just shuts me down and starts to quote the bible and I stop listening. She says if you dress like a women you will lose all of your family and friends, I would almost rather start over. Our kids are adults now and she wants to mother me and I feel smothered. Any time I get a call, text or just looking at my phone, she says who you talking to, what you looking at, who was that, what are you doing. I want to dress more, It is something I can do my job has me traveling about 150-200 days a year but its had for me to pack for my outings because she looks thru my stuff all the time, she insist on taking me to the airport so I am unable to stop at the storage to get anything.
I don't know what to do, I am wanting to leave her.
Has anyone else been in this situation ?
I have written and deleted so many responses to this. I hate giving advice when I am not sure I would have the courage to follow it, even though I am convinced it is the right thing.
You deserve to be loved and respected. As long as you are not causing harm to others, you deserve to live your life in concert with the promptings that come from your true self.
It sounds like doing so threatens a lot of your personal relationships though, which is the hard part, isn't it? I guess it comes down to what compromises are you willing to live with, and what you are willing to give up in order to live your life the way you want to.
At the very least I would say you deserve your privacy. Maybe that would be a good place to put a boundary on her behavior since she seems quite willing to place so many boundaries for you?
I am with Nadia as this is a very difficult situation and no answer is really the right answer for you.
Did her behaviour change after you told her about your dressing ten years ago as this would be relevant. It can show she has lost trust and needs to know what you are up to as if she hasn't discussed it whatever is her mind is possibly the cause. I am sure that you would know what those thoughts are and her fear of you dressing more or even transitioning scares her and the wider impact if her congregation found out, hence the threats of you losing your family perhaps.
The lack of communication is not good for this situation. I wonder if there are any of your children that you could confide in as a way in?
Ultimately it is for you to know the consequences of your dressing ambitions and have highlighted a few choices yourself. I can only give my thoughts as whatever you decide it is your decision the path you take. You know you have the support of the forum to help in any way we can.
@rebecca-leeann It would seem that your wife has been crippled psychologically by religion. I don’t mean to sound critical or nasty here, I say this because my departed wife was like that as well. After I told her, we maintained a cordial relationship but never were really intimate. Had I pushed my feminine desires, it would have ended the marriage and with children involved. Because I had not told my wife about me until ten years and some children into our marriage I felt it unfair of me to continue, so Genivieve went into the deep closet. In my opinion, that lack of intimacy produced a marked increase in my desire to present as Genivieve. I too hid my desires and had precious few opportunities to dress for many years. I do not believe that people so significantly crippled by the man-made rules of religion are able to change their thinking. That said, leaving your wife is a serious issue please be very careful not to make that kind of decision without much thought and contemplation. We stayed together until her passing. After that Genivieve was freed to develop. In retrospect I am glad that I chose to stay with my wife. Good luck to you as you work this dilemma out.
I agree with everything already written above, however I feel there is one other thing to consider, and that is that your choice does also affect her. If someone does find out and (rudely) opts to make it public, then she has a decision to make - do I stand with my husband, or do I stand with my beliefs (and my social peers)?
I can see that being a very uncomfortable position to be in. I would expect that she is micro-managing you because she is trying to avoid that situation coming to pass.
You may argue that you are doing all of your dressing out of town and that no one in your social circle could know - and that's possible. However, the question becomes: will it end there? I would say "only you know", but that may not even be accurate. You may feel differently in a month or a year.
So her issues are not only that she may disapprove of the behavior, and that she fears the social consequences, but that at some future point things may be (from her vantage point) worse.
I would always advise an honest, open discussion about these topics before making any decisions, but...things run their course. It may be that what you needed from your marriage is no longer needed and now it brings only problems. Life has no guarantees. I wish you the best of luck! 🙂
Thank you for all of your advice. I have wanted to go to a Transgenered conference for over 20 years, I would sign up and make some kind of excuse not to go, some of the excuses were ligit, my biggest excuse was I would have to shave more hair that normal in order to attend, but in the last few years I have slowly removed more as a normal. I will be going to Keystone this year and I hope to get a lot of information on our hobby or my new normal. I hope to see some of you ladies there, we can talk more then.
You have already stated your options and there probable results. There are no magic words to change the situation where everyone is going to be happy. Comes down to which you can live with. Basically, will you be happier as Rebecca Leeann Allen, or husband , father, friend? Choose carefully; someone is not going to be happy.
We want what we want. If we can't have it, we want it even more. If we get what we want, there is a chance we may not want what we wanted.
The thrill is in the anticipation. Our suffering comes from desire.
Rebecca, it’s a tough spot to be put in. I recently told my wife this year and we are working through it. I have started to see a counselor and so has she. We have been talking and she has been asking questions. Last night she asked me if I would want to wear a kilt. Would it replace a dress? I said no, a dress is a different feeling. She also told me she does not want to live with Tracy. She married a man and wants to live with him. I have a lot to think about also. I am also very near my retirement and will be moving to Tennessee in a couple of years. A lot of changes planned. A lot of decisions to be made. Take time and be honest with each other. -Traci
Why do so many people say go to consoling? Is it indecision or affirmation I don't know why I would seek out consoling, drug addiction ok, gambling -ok, uncontrollable sexual issues - ok . There is nothing wrong with the way we feel, I hear CD's telling others "should go to consoling" Why? If your SO has a problem with the way you dress I'm sorry but I'm not the one with the problem, I don't go to a dr or psyc because my partner smacks their lips when they eat, or snores when they sleep, (ok last one may not be a great analogy but you get the idea) I don't need someone to tell me how I feel is ok or not ok, if that's what I need, I go hang out with friends who care and I don't have to pay them to listen to my problems and issues. I don't disagree the one with the issue may need to see someone but I am not sure it would be good for me to be there with them, I understand how analysis works and some of the techniques I have issue with and I haven't really met a good psychologist, anyone can memorize data from a book and regurgitate it back in one recognizable form or another but it takes work and dedication to use that information in a constructive way and these days I just don't see that. I don't think there is anyone that could convince me without application of other methods that what I am doing is worng or even effects anyone else in a negative way unless they already have a problem. Maybe I am too vain or something my wife said I was a Narcissist, I don't think many people really know what a narcissist even is and the term is applied rather loosely but that's just me.
most marriages stay together for kids' sake. kids are gone. She's getting older and not feeling as sexy as she once did. try to find a good-looking woman over 50. they are few and far between. you are a male and we seem to get better with age. the male and female bodies are somewhat the same except for a few things. now you dress like a woman and your body hasn't gone through childbirth, hot flashes and sagging boobs. she probable feels that she's not the pretty one anymore. everyone will be looking at you instead. i say life is in stages. it might be time for the next stage of your life to begin. it's your journey and you deserve to be happy. don't stay just to make her happy, because it probably won't happen, and you both will be unhappy. my wife left me, and I hope she's happier now. I didn't want to fight with her, so I let her go. sometimes you make the wrong choice, but life goes on.
It is so hard to separate the logical argument from the emotional one.
Many of the positions taken above, want to argue the logic behind the SO position. When I think for most SO's its an emotional issue that they are defending. In there heart they fear embarrassment, marriage failure, being older and single. The fear is mostly over their own well being, not you.
Trying to strike a balance between them keeping their happy place and you getting to keep yours. I suppose it comes down to how deeply the love is. Do they care about you enough to give up some of their happy place, so that you can have yours.
Three times I have tried to respond and 3 times I wrote 3 pages of the life of a cd and his wife I just don't know how to not going into a lifelong story. and I don't think anyone wants to hear that. So I will say I finally realized that is who she is, I lover her but i'm not going after her and I no longer miss her. I hope she finds what she is looking for but its not me I don't think and I am ok with that but now I have to get Liza into the world myself and I am frozen here trying to thaw out, I don't know anyone and I don't know where to go. At least with wife I don't think anyone would know and I would feel much happier but I am working on it.
get out there and find new friends. when married you lose your friends and usually her friends become yours to. we give up alot for a woman to make them happy. along the way we lose alot of what use to make us happy. when i was with my wife she was my best friend, but i wasn't hers. when we broke up she said we could still be friends. that didn't happen. since we broke up we haven't said 12 words to each other. i see her once in a while and think is she really happier and gee she looks old. was married for 25 years. that won't happen again. going on 10 years alone and liking my cd life. got new friends and do what i please. sometimes wish there was someone to do things with but i do fine by myself.
@robertaf @prettytoes @liza4you
You all made good points and y'all are spot on, Roberta I do look forward to when we are able to meet for coffee, it will be a breath of fresh air