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So, a couple of weeks ago I came out to my wife. I've told her how I have been depressed over keeping this part of my life hidden and that I feel I am gender fluid, which accounts for a lot of my self esteem and self image problems. It obviously didn't go down too well but for now we are at least still in the same house. However her response seems to be almost a denial of all that I have said to her. She seems to have come to the conclusion that working on my depression by making me feel better about myself (in a masculine way, new clothes haircut etc) is the way forward. She will not consider speaking with friends or family and does not seemed interested so far in counselling. Whilst I don't want to push things too far and open up with my feminine side, given how things are currently, this isn't a situation that can continue indefinitely. How can we move forward when there is a denial of the situation? We have children which is my priority so I want this relationship to work but I also need to be me. Any advice?
This will take time. If she did not know that was a lot to hit her with. The good nrws is that you were honest and trusted her enough to share this with her. But, this changes your relationship in a fundamental way. Even more so than an affair. You can move on after an affair and in some sense go back to the way this were. That's not possible and she may be wondering what the end game will be. Will you permanently be a woman? Will you want a close relationship with her, or a man? Do you know?
Right now she is grieving your relationship. There are some well know stages for grief? Generally they are:
1) Denial
2) anger
3) bargaining
4) depression
5) acceptance.
You should both get counseling as soon as possible.
I would not go back into the closet. That door is open, and should stay that way.
Unfortunately however (like me), you will have to find time to do it on your own. There is nothing "wrong" with your masculinity. That's for certain.
You have a want and desire, and should not deny yourself these pleasures because others cannot deal with it.
Baby steps.
You also have a lot to consider.
You want to continue being a good husband and father?
Be like a woman. Work extra hard at being a better husband and father than you've ever been.
I'll stick at that one piece of advice, simply because that is what I'm working at doing, and have been for the last 5 months - since I came out fully to my wife.
Hope this helps - it IS hard.
Love Laura
exactly---no closet---no self deprecating thinking---try to ask her why she won't talk about it..this nature is quite common and many SO are supportive---it takes nothing away from her...........show her some of the stories from others with supportive wives.....I think she has fears because this has always been a deviant behavior---better to hide---then tell her---GOD MADE ME, I DIDN'T !!! and it certainly isn't a challenge or shortcoming of HER............make her your queen......and I've found that's really pretty easy
Time hun is what it takes. As a So you have to take it in and will deny to yourself that the man you love has a femme side it is not what you signed up for.Then its the resentment jealousy and the anger. Counselling both together and on your own also helps. The fear of losing you partner to another woman is difficult to come to terms with. Also the fear that in the future transitioning is on the horizon patience and talking in a calm way not went tempers are at their highest.
Thanks for your replys. Unfortunately my wife is still in an ignoring it and it might go away frame of mind. I'm seeing a support worker which is great to go out as andrea and speak with someone sympathetic and supportive. Would be good to do that at home though. In the meantime I'm just treading water and taking what few opportunities I to get to express my feminine side.
I wish I could give you advice but on this subject I have to be honest with you I can not I am still in the closet and in fear one day I will have to explain my deepest desires but I will say one thing girl I applaud you on your courage kiss kiss 💋💋 Jasmine
You're not alone, Andrea, my wife keeps trying to blot it out too, but I find a time, once a month for open conversation.
It's difficult and there are scenes I'd prefer not to go through, but hey, I'd prefer not to go through the rest of my life hiding the very thing that brings life and positivity to me and those around me.
It's a collision of worlds, and some of it's not pretty, and really tests a marriage, but I believe that courage, truth, determination and faith are the strongest weapons.
That and a sense of well timed humour - after all, cross dressing appears in comedies more often than not.
I think part of it is demonstrating that not only are you still the man she married, but she got a great deal, because here's the new, improving version, and there's a rather nice, friendly other side that's well worth getting to know!
Keep plugging at it. Bit by bit. If you're going through Hell, keep going! There is a light, and it's not an oncoming train.
Love Laura
