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This is a question I have been pondering for quite a while now.
I have read a lot of ladies stories here, and in the public chat and the one common denominator is memories of wanting to be a girl or liking girly things as a kid.
Until 5 years ago I was “living” as a survivor of a past I was trying to escape, but never could; exhausted from carrying the weight and shame of things that were not my fault for decades. Such is the life of a traumatized 8 year old being forced to grow up way too fast.
5 years ago I started therapy and it has changed my life and opened up parts of myself that I never knew existed. Indigo found me and started working on me from the inside out. Sometimes I feel her presence and other times I feel like she has abandoned me.
Due to my current living conditions I am not able to dress nearly as much as I need to. I begin to wonder if the euphoria I felt when I had a makeover and the pride I had in myself was real. I wonder if when I wiped off the makeup, did I wash away indigo at the same time?
I know this life is not easy and being trans is something that chooses you because it is a part of your soul. I know this is not a competition and mileage varies greatly.
I am thankful that I found CDH because it is my safe spot in a world of uncertainty; a place where I can learn and the connections with the ladies here make me feel like I am not alone, but am valued.
On one side of the war within I feel validated that I am finding my true identity at 61 years old, but the other side is attacking every inch of ground I gain in clarity. It is exhausting and it is taking its toll which leads to one question; am I a fake??
Hi, Indi, if you have the awareness to ask the question, "Am I a fake?", then you most certainly are not.
You appear to be suffering from the lesser-known cousin of the shame and guilt twins, Doubt.
I begin to wonder if the euphoria I felt when I had a makeover and the pride I had in myself was real. I wonder if when I wiped off the makeup, did I wash away indigo at the same time?
Although lesser known than shame and guilt, doubt is no less harmful to our peace of mind, especially so in our case when we decide to stop denying a real and valid part of ourselves, our feminine side. We embrace this and give it/her expression by wearing clothes that affirm our femininity and we feel good and natural and relaxed.
But, masculine side, that has been with us, and reinforced by family and society, quite naturally has a problem with this and rebels. It seeds doubt in our minds, should I be doing this? Why am I doing this? Who am I? Am I a fake.....
Spare a thought for masculine side, he's had free rein all this time and it's quite natural for him to feel fear and jealousy because now there's someone else sharing "his" body and consciousness. Reassure him that he's safe and still here, and now he's got company, he doesn't have to face life on his own any more.
Like all the comments and advice you'll get here, you must see what "fits" for you. From what you've said, you've had, and will still have, very difficult stuff to deal with and process, let Indi help you with this, she sounds like a great person.
And know that we all want the best for you so allow yourself to take time to visit here as much as you need and continue to share with us.
Hugs.
Allie x
@alexina Thank you so very much for your reply. You bring up some points that I had never thought of, especially in regards to masculinity. That gives me a lot to think about and to process. Thanks for sharing with me, I really appreciate it.
You're welcome, Indi, that's what CDH is all about, sharing and supporting. Oh, and fun 😊🤔.
Allie x
@alexina, @inatelyindi
Allie, very well written with great advice. Indi, you have the support of every girl here, and Allie's advice is worth taking note of. All the best to you
Hugs xx
@innatelyindi Indigo, glad for your sake that you are getting therapy. It sounds like Indigo is a deep important part of yourself. In some ways does she help you become a whole person, giving you healing from your past trauma. Hoping you find the place wear you need to be.
Cassie
@loneleycd thank you so much for your reply and kind words. They mean a lot to me.
@innatelyindi One of the first things that I learned after reading CDH is that we are all on a CD/trans gradient. We are what we are; we are who we are. Once you understand yourself enough, then you can build more self-confidence.
@harriette thank you for your reply, I had not thought about a CD /trans gradient before, but that makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing.
@innatelyindi I'm so sorry for the struggles you have experienced in your life. I am happy that you are using a therapist to work through your issues and that you are addressing the bigger, underlying issues. I did the same and it has helped me immeasurably.
I have also addressed the issue of whether my feelings of femininity are real or fake. When evaluating whether something is fake, you need to consider what you are comparing it to. If the reference is flawed, the evaluation is flawed and real or fake is conflicted and unclear. In my case, it became the masculinity that was drilled into me from a young age that I determine to be fake. Since I didn't have a voice in this during my formative years, I accepted it and it became my reality. Maintaining this into my adult years has helped to to grow and become even more entrenched. Still, I had underlying feelings of femininity from a young age that became deeply suppressed. With the help of my therapist, I was able to see that it was my masculinity that was actually fake. With this knowledge, I have been able to accept my femininity as my reality and move on as Lauren.
@lauren114 Thank you so very much for your reply. I find it very interesting how you did the evaluation process and that definitely gives me some things to think about. Thanks again, I really appreciate it.
@innatelyindi You're not fake if you're living the best life you can and it certainly sounds like you try to do that.
Just remember to be patient and kind to yourself,
Anna x
@annaredhead thank you for your reply. I am trying to do my best, but it is not easy when I become impatient waiting for the answers.
@innatelyindi Not remotely fake. Doubt is a part of being self aware. You can’t take a blood test to determine if you are trans. All you have to work with is how you feel about yourself. What you do with those feelings is up to you.
@innatelyindi I've been meaning to reply to this thread, but lately at the times I've been on here, I've been too tired to string the words together to express my thoughts coherently. But with apologies for the delay, tonight I'm here earlier while I'm firing on all cylinders, so I'll give it a go.
I'm keen to connect with you because your cross-dressing story has the largest fundamental similarity to mine, in that there was nothing in childhood. This all started a few years ago for me, too. Also from your (now deleted) 'Homework' thread, we're both neurodivergent. Undiagnosed in my case, but my son is on the spectrum and his diagnosis helped me to understand a lot about myself.
I'm lucky in that, as the feminine elements of my personality grew in strength to become my dominant side, I never fought them. Hell, I was enjoying them far too much, everything just felt so right 🙂 While I noticed the difference between my story and those of so many of the other girls, I was too happy to be greatly concerned by it. Now having completely embraced femininity and made changes my life to live openly socially transitioned, it no longer seems to matter.
I hope that you can achieve that same inner peace and come to enjoy your femininity without the fight-back. Please, feel free to PM me any time you want to chat further.
Hugs,
Fiona xxx
@innatelyindi You're the youest you there is girl, how could you be fake?
Some things take time. Patience is not humans' most widespread quality for sure, but when things are worth it, it's OK to give yourself the time needed.
You're working towards what you want. So, to the contrary, that fact makes you very real indeed.
@melodeescarlet Thank you for your reply. I learn something from you every time we talk, or I am in chat with you. We need to make a Melodee motivation tape because of the strength I see in you. You are an amazing woman and I am thankful to have met you.
@melodeescarlet 'Youest'?
* Chrissie quickly consults her copy of the Oxford English Dictionary *.
Indi, thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear of your difficult upbringing. I'm glad to hear you are coming to terms with yourself. Look, whilst we share a common interest all the girls here have their own individual story. Most of you ladies know mine. Having tried to return to my feminine side after a long hiatus I have absolutely no opportunity to dress. I've had a couple of makeovers which have been life-changing but I'm incredibly frustrated I can't slip into a nice dress occasionally. Most of the closetted girls here manage to create opportunities for themselves and I feel a bit of a fraud living the way I do. Hey ho 😢.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
@chrisfp99 thank you so much for your reply. I am able to gain strength from it and it is reassuring to know that I have sisters out there going through similar things as I am. Thank you, maybe we can chat sometime.
@innatelyindi Indi, we are never alone here in CDH. My membership here keeps me sane and happy xx.
@chrisfp99 I am in public chat at least 3 times per day and have met some incredible ladies. They give me hope, and a couple of laughs along the way.
I feel fake not we all share a lot in common and unfortunately life has a lot of struggles time is patience patience is time myself grew up young dressing then my teens I grew out wasn’t till my second SO when I came back out of the closet my self even went to therapy but I was to embrace to open up about CDing over time my dressing grew stronger to the point I wanted to transition more comfortable as a women then a man then set backs came wasn’t able to dress as much my SO quit supporting then I was lost again still today I don’t get much time dressed maybe in time there be more opportunities sorry for blabbing so much just need to stay strong and try are hardest to live this amazing life TC
@erinb thank you for sharing and your vulnerability. It has been nice to meet you in chat.
Hi Indigo, I'm an intersex person and you can learn all about me if you read my profile and we can spare some typing here. A small and bothersome message in the intersex community is where some self-appointed person declares that you can only be a part of the the community IF you have a specific condition that they identify and everyone else is bogus. Thankfully most intersex folks think that message is a crock and disregard it, however, it can be a shocking affront and can make a person doubt themselves. When I read your message I thought again that our own worst enemy is sometimes ourselves and that it is easy to fall into doubt. It took me over 40 years to get to the point that I am today and I realized that it's a process of growth and acceptance and learning. I suggest that you don't doubt yourself and just follow what you find to be true in your heart and allow yourself that time . Know that even this moment of questioning is part of the process and you will get through it successfully and grow if you persevere. Think, did you learn to ride a bike in 60 seconds? And, did you quit after the first fall or crash? You have much time to continue so don't be shaken by a moment. Safe Journey, Marg
@margprodue thank you so much for your comment. I have learned something new from you and for that I am grateful. Thank you for the kind words and inspiration.
I can't call you or view you as "fake". I think you have some struggles; I think both related - and unrelated to what you discovered 5 years ago. I feel, and I'm not a psychologist or anything of the sort, that most of your struggles are from what you went through personally growing up, and that's now being conflated with "Indigo" in your own mind. I think that's probably normal, seeing as how that was discovered through exploring what you went through with your therapist. It's almost a "timing" or "coincidence" thing. Our brains are strange places - if your therapy has been helpful, continue that journey. Indigo wouldn't be there if she wasn't a part of who you are. So, no, you are not fake.
@jaymiesecrets thank you for your reply. I had not looked at it from your perspective and I appreciate you sharing with me.
Hello Indi,
You are not fake girl!!
That you are even asking that question makes you more real in my book. I think that a lot of us reach a point in our journey where we question who we are, and why we are. I know I did, and because of the rigid way I was brought up(men have short hair, girls have long hair, girls wear dresses and men do not), I eventually suppressed the feminine part of me during periods of my life and that suppression made me miserable every time I did it.
I too eventually made my way into therapy, and it did me a world of wonder. That, and getting to the point that I no longer wanted to suppress Jennifer because it made me miserable, I was done with feeling that way!!
Long ago, I had a Latin teacher whose favorite phrase was "ego sum qui sum", which means "I am who I am".
Live your life hon and keep moving forward!!!
Thank you for sharing Indi.
Hugs,
Jennifer
@jenngirl76 thank you very much for your reply. It is nice to know that I am not alone on this road; I truly was before finding CDH. Thanks again, I really appreciate it
@innatelyindi You are very welcome Indi!! You hang in there, I am so happy you are discovering your true self and was able to share that. Likewise, it is nice to know we are traveling on the same road together.
You have a wonderful evening!!
Hugs,
Jennifer
hi.................living as a survivor of trauma is exhausting. Hardly anyone understands it and to be a CD is also taxing on oneself. I too used to think karley abandons me after girl time, but she doesn't. My Blue and Pink sides have to share time. Indi never leaves you. You are not a fake. Maybe you feel that because a look in the mirror and you see a guy in a dress and feel stupid. Later, you see a pretty girl and it's Indi !!. Later after girl time, as you are putting Indi's clothes away you feel stupid again. I think all us girls feel that on some level.
One of the girls here posed a question. "Are you dressing up, or just getting dressed??" For the longest I was in the former and would see a silly man in a dress and fight it ..............feel the pleasure of being a girl ......then feel shame as I put her clothes away. Now, with the collective help of the girls here, and special friends I have made on CDH, I'm just getting dressed. I see and feel so girlie!!! I'm no doctor, but have experienced traumas too. I'm 71 and feel I am recently living a full life. The many years prior were in survivor mode. Karley has helped me see and feel things I kept locked up. It's kind of funny, a person can be traumatized and they don't know it's happening to them when it's happening. Later on, they can see the moving parts and start to understand it. PM me anytime, maybe we can help each other understand. You know? Girl to Girl?? karley 
@delaware Oh my goodness, it is almost like I am walking along a similar path. I so understand about the man in a dress, actually that is one of my biggest fears. I would definitely welcome the opportunity chat through PM. Thank you for such a generous offer.
There is no way that you are a fake, Indi. When I joined here a little under 2 years ago, I was clearly uncertain where this might lead. I wasn’t sure if I might want to be full time or if I’d hate how I looked so much that I’d never do it again. But the longer I was here, the more it became clear that I completely enjoyed being a woman sometimes, and clearly enjoyed being a man too. That was my revelation, and my hope for you is that the longer you contemplate what is best for you, the clearer it will be for you too. In the mean time, just love yourself for whoever you are, it’s important.
@jennconn Thank you so much for the reply Jenn, I have enjoyed getting to know you in the chat. Thank you for sharing with me and for giving me another reason to have hope.
