Changes, I am now an intersex woman, its all about changes.

The Woman Inside, Lauren's Journey.
Life is full of changes. There's a saying, "The only constant is change." The sun rises and sets at a different time each day. The weather can change in an instant. Another old saying is, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray." Changes are a fact of our lives.

My life has been full of many changes through the years, but one thing that remained constant from my earliest childhood memories is the deep rooted knowledge that I was supposed to be a girl. In the process of writing these entries, which will all be part of the book I am writing, I have been digging through the troves of my memory. Many happenings and events have come to the surface from the depths of my past. I recall an event while I was a three year old living with my parents in a suburb of Portland Oregon. I was at the next door neighbors sharing a small swimming pool with their daughter, Suzie. I distinctly recall being quite jealous of her very pretty swim suit and full of great disdain for what I was wearing. This same feeling and observation would occur frequently while I was in school, noticing the way the girls around me were dressed. Their pretty clothes, shoes and hair were always a delight to behold. But it wasn't just liking their clothes, it was a profound desire, to be, one of them.

I realize now that my parents knew of these desires, but the way in which they responded differed greatly. I was the first born son, my father was determined to drill that into me, and I was expected to fulfill that role. I was forced to join every school sports team, was always told to fight back if bullied, was threatened with being sent to a military school, and an attempt was made to send me off to a logging camp, which, fortunately for me, went on strike before I arrived. Suffice to say, I was an abject failure at every attempt to comply with my father's wishes for me.

My mother, on the other hand, was aware of my sensitive nature and nurtured that part of my soul. She taught me many things that appealed to that part of me, drawing, painting, singing, flower arrangements, sewing, doing Origami, working with clay pottery, and listening to classic music and opera.

There were other things that took place in my life, changes that happened before and during my journey through puberty. I have recollections of experiencing periods of intense pain in my lower groin, and spending some time in the hospital. I recall lots of doctors looking at me but have no memory of what was done there. This was followed by many visits to various doctors who would spend time examining my private parts. I have memories of a specific event when we were at a spot we went to during the summer. We had been in the pool and I was taking a shower after that. I went to get dressed and my father asked to examine my privates, I felt quite embarrassed about standing there with nothing on, and wondering what all the fuss was always about.

Then came puberty. Most boys grow taller, their physique fills out, they get an Adams apple, their voice changes, they grow more body hair and their private parts develop significantly. But! That didn't happen with me. I grew hips, thighs, bum, my voice didn't change much, and, I grew boobs. That, along with the fact my private parts were quite minescule compared to the other boys, made the obligatory showers after PE class, pure hell! I hated going swimming and taking my shirt off, I always wore very baggy shorts and a t-shirt if we were at a beach.

I was a bit alarmed by, but also fascinated with my new physical attributes. The yearning to be a female was always lurking in the back of my mind, and these changes certainly enhanced those thoughts and feelings.

To deal with my life, and those feelings, I plunged myself into and focused on other interests to keep my mind busy. I read copious amounts of literature, got into photography, built scale models, did my artwork and got into cars - but they had to be pretty cars.

I eventually met a pretty gal, who knew I had a feminine side, and we got married. After ten years of trying, because of her losing an ovary and my small parts, we finally had two children, who are both now on their own and are raising their own families. Their mother, my late wife, lost her battle with cancer nine years ago.

The one thing, that NEVER changed, was the constant desire, and knowledge, in the very depth of my soul, that I was supposed to be, and had always felt, that I was a woman. IT NEVER WENT AWAY!
So, as you can read in my two previous posts, fate had some fun with me. I developed a medical condition common to women and went to the hospital where I was examined by a doctor, told many things about my life, asked many questions, and then, was told that I am an intersex person, and intersex female, "Lauren, you ARE a woman…!"

Change, how does one adjust to such a change to their life? From living your life as a person who was always an actor on a stage pretending to be somebody they never felt they were, with a constant voice inside that always spoke to you, letting you know she was there, to finally hearing that…she is a reality!

I have been reading everything I can find about being intersex, being introspective on being intersex. LOL. My life has changed, I now have a whole new view of my future, and I feel like there's a lot ahead of me that I need to do, as this new woman named Lauren.

Until next time,
Lauren