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Background: I am MTF. I have known I was trans for over a decade now. I am closeted and only get to be my true self at home (at night, on weekends, at safe events with friends, etc).
My chronic migraines got worse in September and led to a deeper depression. I began to feel like, “If I’m always going to be in this much physical pain, I’ll never be able to do the things I want with my life including transitioning.” It’s probably the closest I’ve ever come to detransitioning and giving up on the feminine part of myself.
Since then, I’ve done very little to nurture the feminine part of myself outside of listening to romantic novels on Audible and listening to feminine music. A transgender retreat that I would usually sign up for in a heartbeat is coming up in April and I’m probably not going to go because my heart is just not in it. (I’m not completely sure what is holding me back. Depression is part of it. And fears about prejudice in the current political climate.) I haven’t practiced make-up in months. I never dress up anymore. (With my ADD, I forget to do it when I get home.)
There’s a perfectionism tied up in my gender presentation. (It may be part of my gender dysphoria.). Like, I don’t accept myself as feminine unless I’m shaved, made up, dressed up, etc. Like fully presenting as female. But it takes so much planning and prep (shaving, etc). It helps if I have a certain event to go to en femme. A play, a support meeting, a movie, a party, etc. It’s actually on the calendar and sort of forces me to get into girl mode.
Over the past few years, I was going to movies and events as my female self. I did things like having a photo shoot done and getting some really beautiful photos of myself out of it. I was loving myself, having fun, and living life.
Now, I am skipping events I would usually femme up for. Or going in boy mode. I don’t want to let my girlfriend do my makeup and I don’t know why. Being en femme for a week in April sounds like a lot of work. All the prep and maintenance required.
I just don’t know how to honor my female self and recapture that joy and momentum. I feel like I’m not fighting for her and I hate that. Looking for any suggestions or advice including the things that bring you joy/gender euphoria. (I try to give my feminine self at least 30 min a day but that’s just been audiobooks for a long time.)
Chronic pain can really mess you up. You might consider talking with a therapist. It couldn’t hurt.
Hi Josie,
It seems you are in a cycle chain thar aren't connecting, there's a lot of links that need addressing.
Is it just the crossdressing or everything,the whole self isn't functioning as one issue affects another and so on.
The obvious is getting support, you elude to a partner who is perhaps supportive but alone this may not be enough.
The other is what support are you getting, doctor or as Roberta says, a therapist or help group. Each component should be separated and dealt with.
The one thing is that you have a desire to get up and go forward which is positive so finding the fuse to shoot you up is next.
Thankyou for sharing and know we will help in any way you can so keep the dream alive.
Josie, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
When we suppress this side of us, that takes a lot of energy to find ways to keep going. When we try to be the woman we want, that takes a lot of energy to transform ourselves to looking, feeling, being her, and then judging her, seeing her faults. It can feel like it's a no happiness solution.
People can say a break is good. But for many of us, there's no such thing as a break.
On the GG side, GGs do go through periods like this. What you're feeling might be quite normal.
I'm a CD and not transitioning, but that's just me. I'll share my coping tactics in case they help somehow in your situation:
1) forcing myself to do the small, easy things (wearing a bra and panties)
2) getting fresh air and exercise (to release much needed chemicals in the body)
3) distracting myself with reading, movies, music, something not directly CD
4) making sure I see others, yet not being too social that it's counter effective
5) remembering that this time will pass and I just need to somehow get through, small steps
Hugs and warmth,
Lea