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I can't think of a better way to describe it, but i think mentally lost sums it up well enough.
I'm thinking maybe I'm dysphoric?
I've been interested in feminine things since i was a kid, not sure exactly when, just young. Always kept it a secret, wore lingerie that 3i would sneak away from my mothers dresser when they left me home unsupervised. Never got caught, was always meticulous with putting everything back exactly how I had found it.
Along with this was always the idea of how wonderful it would be to be a girl rather than a boy. This a consistent thought that crossed my young mind, many many times. Though it was something i never voiced. At a young age, I "knew" that it would not be understood. I would be defective/broken/wrong in the head/etc etc etc.
So i never voiced it, this is actually my first admission of these thoughts to be truthful. Never spoken to anyone else.
Fast forward to moving out on my own, left me with an opportunity to crossdress at home (lingerie only, i didnt have access to anyone to help me get more than that. What i did have were a few pair of panties and bras that i had kept over the years. (Stuff from Mothers dresser mostly, and a coupld things an ex girlfriendhad left behind))
Crossdressing eventually went into the background and disappeared for a number of years. Not that it no longer interested me, but because of conflicting emotional and mental issues along the lines of religion and expectations. Religion being the hardest, and still the hardest truthfully. I feel these constraints have been damaging along with social norms, identity, needing to be masculine, and on and on I could go.
Religion is still very important to me, and will continue to be. Though I have eased up on myself and allowed myself to open up more about my desires to crossdress and be feminine. In which I am very thankful for having a supportive wife. That said however, she knows only of my desire to crossdress and be able to act femme when dressed. I havent talked to her about the deeper feelings related to it. At this point i feel like it would be too much (maybe).
Since being fully dressed and in makeup recently for the firstvtime with her. I felt lots of anxiety, but not about being dressed and en femme. With that, I felt more at peace and relaxed with myself and who I was. It was a wonderfull day.
Pink fog however has been eating away at me non-stop since that day though, and i have only been able to underdress. Kyra is beating at the doors begging to be let out again.
This is where i begin to feel mentally lost.
I am "okay" with my masculine self, I'm also happy as a husband, father, head of house financially and spiritually. I dont want to lose that part of who I am. Especially as a husband and a father, being a father is super important to me.
Though I have a deep desire and want to be feminine, more than just dressing up time to time, more than the thought of going out in all femme. The idea of taking HRT doesnt bother me, the thought of bottom surgery doesnt even bother me. I do think i would miss the fella, I'm rather attached after so long together (pun intended).
That however would disrupt the husband/father role obviously. So there's confliction in my head, majorly so, its created a swirling mess that I struggle to keep right in my head.
.I feel lost.
On one hand I want one thing, on the other I hand I want to fulfil that desire. I'm stuck in the middle if you will.
Maybe thats okay and i just need time to process that switching between both is acceptable.
Maybe not, i dont know.
My wife wasn't onboard with the idea of me taking HRT, but she was okay with me taking herbal supplements and using a breast pump (noogleberry) to grow breasts. (I know the risk of taking herbal supplements and have been careful thus far, and I'm extra attentive to anything that doesnt feel right (aside from my breasts- which are super freaking sensitive. A bra is most welcome to curb the amount of sheer sensation they have at this point - they are growing, slowly but surely) The herbal supplements have become a part of my daily routine, and I look forward to taking them each breakfast/lunch/& dinner. I don't know why she's okay with that, but HRT though. I would prefer HRT.
On the topic of breasts, she was apprehensive, but did relent after a few times discussing it with her. Boundary was set of stopping at a large B cup, at the very most a very small C cup. (I'll take what I can get)
She remained apprehensive about it until recently (now that they are starting to show). She hasn't outright said it, but I'm confident she really likes it. Won't go into detail as to why, other than to say she likes to tease them and doesn't look at them like she's disgusted or something.
I'm super happy with them as well, and feel better mentally so, the more they progress. More feminine assurance to myself. Much like growing my hair out, or keeping my nails manicured and keeping toenails painted. Little things that let Kyra out, just a little bit more.
Does anyone have advice, suggestions, anything? I just feel lost at the moment, and I'm having a hard time sorting through it all.
(Coming out to my wife as a crossdresser is of itself an entire story that I'll have to share at some other point.)
Anxiety is building tremendously to hit that submit button and post this...
HI Kyra. You echo the stories of so many of us here at CDH. I myself am exploring my femininity and have no idea how far I want to go with all of this. I am divorced and have 3 grown kids. Most of my family know about my CD, but most don't want to see or talk about it. I have thought about HRT myself,but I am somewhat worried about the side effects. For me being I am 67 maybe just socially transitioning will be enough. I hope you can get some couselling to help you figure out where you are at and where you need or want to go.
. . Cassie
Wishing you the best outcome to fit your lifestyle Kyra. Know many have their own paths to follow. Like mine is since being singled and felt was born in the wrong body since youth. Decided to take steps further to match my outsides to inside. Been on HRT now but before starting dr prescribed HRT did do herbs for year. but with little change or none. Decided to go to my DR. Long story short just got out of surgery had facial surgery done 4 days ago and voice surgery, Now on the road to recovery. Suggest talk to a therapist and tell them what would like. and how feel.
Oh my last passion of being a woman will happen in November when have my bits off and female bits added. at the bottom.
Donna
I feel a lot of what you’re feeling except without the supportive wife or the ability to femme out. I’ve often thought that if I had the chance I would transform into a real woman. It’s very hard to keep inside
Thats wonderful! Super excited for you!
How did the facial surgery go?
(Currently im content with what i can achieve with makeup (for now))
Voice surgery is no go for me, i use my voice occasionally for hobby voiceover work (i can hit a couple fairly decent feminine voice - just lack stamina for it (working on that))
I am curious to hear how much of a difference it nakes, hope you share when you've recovered.
Going to look into talking to a t
I've heard bottom surgery is quite the recovery time and there's a good bit of shock and emotional roller coaster initially. Lots of swelling too. Be careful and if you need someone to talk to I'm available and I'm sure many others are on her as well (i drive alot for work, so if you want to talk let me know. Has the bonus of keeping me awake and alert)
Going to look into a therapist, probably one out in the city. To many close minded people in my little town. Even for a therapist i think.
Hi Kyra, I wish you the best in your journey. You are very blessed to have an understanding wife that approves of you, she must love you very much. You will struggle with this your whole life if you let yourself do so. Or you could get professional help or you could simply decide to be happy with what you have. I found the hardest thing was to just sit down and think about what I would or could be happy with. How do I satisfy me and not hurt others in my life? That is a hard one sister! It is a choice we have all had to make and if you beat yourself up about it you won't ever be happy. You need to figure this thing out in your own mind and own time, it isn't easy. You have this feeling deep inside that is shared by most of us, and I'm not speaking for anyone else but it is what it is. If you truly want to stop having this lost feeling then you have to tell yourself the truth about you and decide who you want to be. The only pressure you truly have is coming from you, so don't be so hard on yourself about this. Take the time to figure it out, it is different for us all and the same also. We all have different needs and wants but when it comes down to it be kind to yourself in this process you won't figure it out today and may not for years but you don't have to feel lost either. Some might not like what I'm saying but there comes a time when you have to discuss this with yourself and you will either say to heck with everyone else or you will settle into something else and you can either get peace with yourself or you will exhaust yourself. I know myself, I had to have that talk and decide these things and you will too but enjoy what you have and take your time weighing it out and you will come out ok. I hope I have not offended anyone if I have please forgive me. I am just trying to give one way of looking at this. I know it helped me to decide who I am and what I could live with .
Love Coral
I kept Kyra secret from my wife until not that long ago, out of fear she wouldnt be supportive. Fortunatel she was understanding snd supportive. Haven't talked to her sbout the full extent if it though. In time i will though.
I introduced the concept to her slowly as a kink, i think that helped soften the blow.
Thank you Kyra surgery went good first 2 days were painful last night and tonight not as much but taking my pain meds and using Ice packs to reduce swelling. Can tell a big difference in voice now. comparing to before. still little sore. Yes you right about bottom surgery hear so many can't handle the shock but know with my mind set be ready for it. Then all the things have to do after. But wishing you the best what ever you choose Kyra. See many would like to go little further then others all the way while others happy and content with just dressing up for few hours or a day. All are great options. Plus having this site really helps too talking with the girls they do have some great comments and they do help alot.
Donna
My wife would not be supportive.
Thank you so much Coral, this actually helps a bunch.
Sorry to hear that Rachael, do you have any opportunities to express yourself or place you can get out and crossdress? Even if its underdressing?
I have a small stash of panties the wife was throwing away which I enjoy. And a bra of hers I can squeeze into. But she can’t bring Rachael down. Rachael has been around since I was young sneaking moms things. Her time is coming
You are so welcome, It gets easier in time. You can always message me if you want I would be happy to have another friend. I would like to think of ladies such as us to be a very special breed and the world would be better off if it understood us better and accepted us for our uniqueness as it is. Love Coral
Hi Kyra,
First, I don't think you are "lost"; you seem to be a lot like me, and I don't feel lost at all. Dysphoric? Yes, I'm really a girl, even though I can't pass the physical. But I don't feel "trapped" in my male body, and I'm happy to be husband, dad, grandpa and even great-grandpa. My wife of 57 years is supportive of Bettylou, despite her belief that it's sinful for men to wear women's clothing (we're a Pentecostal family, and I had to struggle with THAT conflict for a time).
I firmly believe that my former confusions were caused by the conflict between a male libido and a female mentality; when the aging process "put out the fire", the conflict vanished and Bettylou is a happy girl - but still husband, dad, etc.
No, you are not lost; merely distracted.
Hugs,
Bettylou
One of my best friends is Pentecostal (a rarity where i live), ive learned a lot from him. Im LDS/MORMON personally
I think i know which scripture you're referring to though as a sin in dealing with crossdressing, as it's one I've felt conflicted about.
Deuteronomy 22:5
