My Husband Wants to Be a Woman

Not long ago there was a thread on TGH that discussed the possibilities of staying together after transition. The person was asking if that could happen. I’ve not seen any data, but clearly it does happen. However, I think it is very difficult to predict beforehand and quite possibly the odds may not be favorable.

There is a parallel for me. 13 years ago my wife had a bad bicycle accident that resulted in a spinal cord injury (SCI). While she can walk very slowly with a walker, she primarily uses a wheelchair for mobility. She is a member of various national and international SCI web sites and I was surprised at the number of people who abandoned their injured partners. So, putting this in the context of transgender people, I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that some partners can’t go the distance. Human nature is not perfect and we all have different limits...

That's truly sad, DeeAnn. Did they skip over the part about "for better or worse"? I could see an exception for a wife whose husband had the surgery, but otherwise.........?

It can be a struggle for both partners. Most of us knew this about ourselves at a very early age. And I think most knew it doesn’t go away. I thought it did for me. Or hoped it did? But how many tell our SO before getting married? I know why we don’t. I understand "for better or worse" but does that apply to things we knew but chose not to reveal? Many SOs feel deceived or betrayed. Would they have married had they known? Should they have been given the chance to opt out? We shouldn't be surprised when they struggle with it. Are they grieving a loss? Should we just grieve the loss of our female side and move on for the betterment of our SO and our marriage? There are more to our vows than "for better or worse".
Feeling melancholy.

I confess that I don’t understand the thought process. However, I do think that the 2 situations have a common thread:

“I didn’t sign up for this...”

Some years back, when my father-in-law was still alive, he told me that the family was so thankful for all that I did to support my wife. Essentially I said what you mentioned, but the other phrase “...in sickness and in health...”. I also said that I had no doubt that if the situation was reversed, she would do an even better job than I could. Turned out it was a prophetic statement as I had a mild stroke in September of 2016. Between the hospital and rehab I was away for 2 1/2 weeks. In that time, I think she only missed a couple of days of visits and that was no easy feat as she has to manhandle her chair in and out of her car.

When I came home she helped me deal with this new reality. Anyway, nearly 5 years later, we’re still doing OK. I am reminded of the phrase:

“It isn’t about what you can’t do, it’s about what you can do...”.

Anyway, getting back to trans people and their partners, clearly it is a supreme test of the relationship. But, I do personally know of some couples who have continued. To be honest, I have no insight as to the dynamics of the relationships, but they are still together...

Eva:

I am a member at Medium and I searched the site. Nothing came up for:

My Husband Wants to Be a Woman

I also searched for, and found, Emma Holiday, but none of her titles matched...

It can be a struggle for both partners. Most of us knew this about ourselves at a very early age. And I think most knew it doesn’t go away.

I don't think we do know - I believe we don't understand it because of social conditioning.

I thought it did for me. Or hoped it did?

Yes, this is very common. We think getting married will cure it - all kinds of things, because we don't understand it.

Until the internet, who on earth could you talk to about it without giving the game away?

Remember, you think it's something you can just give up at this stage.

But how many tell our SO before getting married? I know why we don’t. I understand “for better or worse” but does that apply to things we knew but chose not to reveal?

"For better or worse" applies to everything, obviously, as people change over time.

"Chose not to reveal" is a bit strong! Is it really a choice? I see how it can be interpreted as such, but is it really that simple?

Many SOs feel deceived or betrayed.

Why?

Why by cross dressing and not any other secret?

Both are strong words - betrayed implies trust or promises broken, while none have been, so no-one has been betrayed - this is way off the mark.

Deception implies that the other person has a right to know, and implies intent to deceive.

Well, as already acknowledged, most of us think we can stop (until we discover otherwise - the information about how ingrained CDing can be is hard to find and come to terms with).

So there is no actual intent - and as for "right to know", this only applies if it affects the relationship, and the only reason it would affect the relationship is her feelings on the subject.

Some women accept readily, some over time, some believe that they can never accept - it's their choice.

Do they love the person, or are material things more important, is the real question.

So "Deception" is much too strong a word.

Would they have married had they known?

And would we have married them if we'd realised all these things - and known how shallow the person is to think like this?

Wow - so love is not the important thing? Appearance is?

Ever seen the film "Shallow Hal"?

Should they have been given the chance to opt out?

Anyone can file for divorce - there are plenty of chances to "opt out" - but how insulting!

Opt out over clothes?

Shallow Hal!

We shouldn’t be surprised when they struggle with it.

Yes, we absolutely should be - but, because of the way we're brought up, I do understand.

Yes, we should be very sympathetic and try to empathise at the highest level.

To struggle with it is something we've done all our lives because of society's crazy attitudes, why prolong it? Why should anyone have the struggle at all?

It's the same attitudes that put the woman in that position - so we absolutely should be sympathetic until attitudes change.

I am not advocating that we shouldn't be supportive of the woman we love enough to be married to - but we should expect support ourselves.

We are doing nothing wrong. Far from it!

Are they grieving a loss?

No. The man they married is still there. Nothing has changed (for the worse!). There is no loss - it's about understanding and perspective.

Should we just grieve the loss of our female side and move on for the betterment of our SO and our marriage?

We should absolutely move on for the betterment of our marriage - but there are two people involved, it's not just about her.

Giving up pur femme side will never happen, because it's there. We already confirmed that.

Trying to give it up is harmful to our own mental health, damaging to our marriage, fuelling resentment, and ultimately damaging to our SO.

It's better by far to embrace who you are, to be a free soul in a trapped environment, and roll with the kicks and punches to come than to be a prisoner.

So no.

Never, ever give up on yourself.

Do your very, very best to take away any pain your SO might be feeling - be the very best husband you can be, but make "you" time.

Love means giving the other person room to be themselves.

This is vital.

There are more to our vows than “for better or worse”.

Yes, but that's one of them.

I have no respect for a woman who divorces her husband to marry a richer one.

"For richer or poorer" is a vow too.

We have broken no vows, but there are plenty who do.

There are no vows along the lines of "Do not be yourself if you happen to like something that some updated members of society frown upon, but which have never been against the law, and which are currently encouraged in these modern times of gender diversity and awareness of mental health issues. "

Feeling melancholy.

I hope that I have made you feel happier, I genuinely do!

Please understand that it's the words and phrases that I have torn apart (I have read similar things so many times online that I am getting to be an expert at weeding out the toxicity!), and I really, really want my replies to have a positive effect.

I am all about the positivity.

I see the words I have replied to as having come from a bad place, not a bad person - but acknowledge that I get a tad overbearing  when I see certain "trigger" phrases.

I truly hope that this is helpful.

Love Laura

I am a member at Medium and I searched the site. Nothing came up for: My Husband Wants to Be a Woman I also searched for, and found, Emma Holiday, but none of her titles matched…

I just looked and I no longer see the article. Sorry, it may have been taken down.

DeeAnn, it's amazing what a person can accomplish, if she just makes up her mind that she is going to do it. Period. It reminds me of a conversation with my elder daughter, several years ago when she was having marital problems. At the end, she told me she understood: The only people who stay married are those who decide in advance that they are going to stay married. They recently celebrated their 30th anniversary.

Then by all means let him. You or no one else can stop anyone from being who they truly are, no one. I have a good friend who wanted to stop cross dressing, being bi-sexual and do what is deemed as the right thing and that to be dedicated to hie wife and raise they're children wait for grandkids to come along. BUT, he cannot stop cross dressing nor can he remain faithful to his wife because he likes the same sex as himself and can't stop. Why after countless hours with a variety of therapists and lot's of office payments to them he still dresses and still sleeps with the same sex. Why? It's an easy riddle.

Hi Laura

Thanks for the thoughtful response. However, I think you missed my basic point. Relationships are built on honesty, communication, transparency, all that. If a marriage starts without that, someone is going to be hurt when they find out it was kept from them. And the one who is exposed (for lack of a better word) is definitely no longer the same person to the other. Things have now fundamentally changed. And many do feel betrayed or deceived. I’m sure some have lesser reactions.  It doesn’t matter if it's crossdressing or a large amount of debt or a drinking problem. If what was not revealed by choice (and it is a choice to reveal something or not) and it is later revealed or discovered, we shouldn’t be surprised if there is a less than positive reaction from the other. Whatever the words of the vows, the basic concept is we will care about and tend to the needs of each other. So that goes both ways. Many couples are able to work things out. But unfortunately, many can’t.
I don’t think there was any "toxicity" in what I wrote that had to be weeded out, so not sure where that came from. I hope I can have a different opinion here without it being called toxic, regardless of the good intentions in calling it that. I may have been feeling melancholy, but my words did not come from a "bad place". They came from trying to be honest. And that’s a good place.

Deeann,
I can relate to your experience in reverse circumstances.... by surprise my wife encountered Leonara...we had the “talk”. As she was processing her husband’s revelation of crossdressing, I had emergency spinal cord surgery.. as a result I had 9 weeks of inpatient physical and occupational therapy
Kathy visited me every day (except 2 due to snow conditions).my operation was two years ago. I am grateful to her being there “through sickness & health” and she has given me the opportunity to present my alter ego when she is not home.. “don’t ask don’t tell..
Thank you ladies for listening
Regards, Leonara

I was married to my 1st wife for 30 years. Our 2 kids are over and approaching 40. We separated in October of 2003. I think by that time we knew how to fix things, but neither of us had any desire. Too many things had happened and and it just didn’t seem to be worth the effort. This is also the 2nd marriage for my wife. I think what has happened is that our 1st marriages have informed our 2nd ones.

In any argument, there is a point where one word too many causes things to just go over the cliff. My 1st wife was very good at that, or in other words, she knew exactly where to place the lit match for best effect. These days, we realize when we are approaching the abyss and steer clear of it.

Live and Learn...

That’s odd. I don’t see any way for it to have been offensive. Sounds like it was written from a very straightforward viewpoint. Also, I believe it would have been cleared to publish in the first place...

DeeAnn,

It saddens me to read about the breakup of your first marriage after 30 years; but I applaud you for being able to start over. It is something I could never have done, for many reasons. It would have isolated me entirely from society, and I would most likely not be around this long. And it's good that you learned how to back away when you get close to the edge; too many never learn that.

Hugs,
Bettlyou