Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
It's obvious that many crossdressers struggle with their gender identity and suffer from gender dysphoria. I was one of them. I fought that battle for 5 decades....until I had no more fight left in me. I've written plenty about that in the forums. My contributions are a drop in the bucket compared to the collective member posts on the subject.
I wish the resources we have available today were around when I was growing up....or at any point before my egg cracked almost 10 years ago. Awareness and social acceptance of transgender people was just starting to gain traction then. Lack of information kept most of us in the closet. To be sure, things are way better today. But many crossdressers still lack access to good information that might help them live better lives. The huge number of closeted girls here on CDH is testament to that. The vast majority of us joined for the same reasons - access to resources we can't get anywhere else.
I was recently introduced to an online resource called The Gender Dysphoria Bible. It's a living document that's regularly updated and expanded. I've only read a few chapters (out of 22 total) and can already say this is the most thorough writing I've seen on what it's like to live with gender dysphoria.
This excerpt from Chapter 3 summarizes exactly how I felt for decades:
In principle, gender dysphoria is a feeling of wrongness intrinsic to the self. There is no logical backing to this wrongness; there is nothing which explains it, and you can not describe why you feel this way; it is just there. Things in your existence are incorrect, and even knowing which things are incorrect can be hard to properly identify.
My journey is far from over. Where I am today is the result of a good gender therapist, CDH, a handful of dear friends, and a river of tears. I have a feeling The Gender Dysphoria Bible will earn a place on that list in the years to come.
If you have even a passing interest in learning more about why you're here, take a look.
https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/
Happy Holidays!
/EA
Thank you Christine. I get told that a lot. I agree that none of this has been easy. TBH, I didn't have a choice. Not really. It was either this or a life not worth living. I was desperate to save my sanity and have one more chance to live a happy life. Desperation is a powerful motivator.
/EA
@nailgirl Thanks Melissa! Life has gotten much better since I came out of the closet.
I’m going to check it out. Gender dysphoria is the worst!
@shadowqueen Agree. I had a lot of dark days. Before my egg cracked, I was on the verge of a breakdown.
Thank you for posting this. I too struggle with dysphoria fairly often.
@patches As I got older, I found my bouts with dysphoria came more often and with more intensity. Some days I was practically a basket case. I hope this resource helps you.
It's great that you posted this Emily! I was fortunate enough to find this a few years ago and it really helped me on my journey of self discovery. It helped me identify and understand the feelings that have consumed me for many years. I don't recall which one it was in particular but there is a podcast interview with the author out there. It was very interesting and one takeaway I had was that the bible is a work in progress and continually evolving. If I can recall it, I'll post it here.
Finally remembered the podcast! It was an episode of "The Transagenda" titled "Podswap: Genderful, "The Gender Dysporia Bible". It is actually a Genderful! podcast that was repeated on The Transagenda so I would imagine you can listen from either source. I listened to it on the Transagenda through Spotify.
Thank you for posting Emily.
Chapter 3 explanation sums it up. Like you I knew I was different and knew where I should be but also began to understand the world around me and knew my place. It never stopped my ambition and using the time to understand myself more which led to my development from the male side to female. The body may still be wrong but the life developed is right.
The body may still be wrong but the life developed is right.
This is so true Angela. We work with the hand we're dealt. Fortunately I'm able to work on my body. More important for me anyway is living authentically. It took many years to get there. Better late than never.
I have got to check this out. My gender dysphoria drives me crazy.
@emilyalt
I will always believe the periods in my life when I was not able to crossdress, that is express my femininity, that is when I drank heavily and became alcoholic. Somehow I just could not make the connection that it was that happy girl from earlier in my life who was now being suppressed and screaming to be let free that was causing me to drink alcoholically.
Once I gained sobriety in the Navy's rehab program and maintained it in AA, the light came on. I had to let the girl out or suffer relapse into alcoholism.
Recently, at a CD support group meeting, a girl who works as a full-time addictions counselor, expressed it so very clearly. Being a recovering alcoholic herself, she said she considers her crossdressing as part of her alcoholic recovery program.
@catgurl
I debated several days whether to respond to this. Alcoholism is serious business. It kills. I should warn readers my experience is not typical. It's not a template.
I was in Alcoholics Anonymous for 12 years. I got out for reasons that I won't go into. Suffice to say they were the right reasons FOR ME. I want to be clear about something. AA changed my life. It's one of the reasons I'm here today. I will forever sing the praises of the program. If you have a problem with alcohol, go to some meetings.
I drank heavily after my ex-wife discovered my secret and reacted very badly. The last 3 years of our marriage were absolute hell. I got into AA the day we separated. Getting sober and being able to express myself probably saved my life. But my dysphoria kept getting worse. I nearly had a mental breakdown when I was 10 years sober. It was a wakeup call of sorts. I needed more than AA to keep my sanity. A few days later I went to my first gender therapy session. It took years to connect the dots and realize I'm transgender. Living authentically and going on HRT got my dysphoria under control. Estrogen was the med I needed all along.
I now know it's okay for me to enjoy a glass of wine on occasion. The experience is unlike anything from my past.
/EA
As always Emily you are looking out for girls here at CDH. thank you for this post… I am sure many will appreciate your suggestion; including me.
Best wishes for a wonderful Holiday season
xoxo Leonara
Thanks Emily, I'm a little slow at the posts due to the holidays but I will definitely look at it. I sure could have used the help years ago when there was almost nothing. Merry Christmas, Marg
Agree. There was nothing like this when I was much younger. Better late than never. Happy Holidays!
/EA
This is a great resource for self exploration. Checking it out right now 🙂
Thank you, Emily, for introducing me too the Gender Dysphoria Bible. I'm a lifelong crossdresser. I was diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria as a teen. I have been in therapy for four months. I have been attending a Transgender support Group. My Doctor and Therapist both agreed that I am ready to start Hormone therapy, but I hesitate. I believe the GDB is going to be very helpful to me.
Thank You Barbra
@barbra I hope the GDB helps you find some clarity Barbra. In my case, living authentically helped a lot. But HRT made the biggest difference. It was like night and day. Everyone is different though. What works for me might not work for you or someone else.
/EA
