I’m writing this post with a degree of trepidation, knowing that what I’m sharing will not be popular with some of you, but I’m compelled to post this article, nonetheless, for a couple of reasons. Our site’s founder, Vanessa Law, sent me an email asking me to “Make my voice heard” by contributing an article. Today, I read her welcome message that was delivered at Keystone, and I wanted to comment on some of that message, or at least broaden it to make it more inclusive and applicable to everyone in CDH (and elsewhere).
Here’s what I wish to convey:
It’s not all about me, even though so many so-called “supporters” would like to have me think so. What we do in our lives, crossdressing included, can and does impact others. To not consider those impacts and not to allow them to influence our choices is, in my opinion, an anti-social and selfish act (and perhaps more).
I don’t like the fact that I’m a crossdresser – most of the time… but I acknowledge that I am, that I have a need to do it, and that when I do, I enjoy it. I recognize and appreciate the many positive things it does for me. Try as I might, and I have (which, BTW is why I was off CDH for over a year), I couldn’t rid myself of it. It is, or has become, an intractable part of my life and is something that simultaneously brings tremendous risk to the relationships in my life with the people I love and care most deeply about.
In her welcome message to Keystone, Vanessa said, in part, “And as much as the world has changed, one thing hasn’t — the courage it takes to live an authentic life, to be who you are even if it’s met with disapproval by society. Each of you has shown the strength to be graceful. The fortitude to let your beauty shine. And the boldness to step elegantly into the world.”
Thinking through this message; the more I thought about it, the worse it made me feel because even though it may undoubtedly be true for those crossdressers who choose to be “out,” it also implies that the qualities of authenticity, courage, strength, fortitude, and boldness are reserved only for those of us who “step out” of the closet. I don’t believe that was the conscious intent of the message, but it is how I took it. It motivated me to make the case for all the crossdressers out there who CHOOSE to stay in the closet – like me.
In Vanessa’s message, she references society’s disapproval, and that’s real enough, but dealing with disapproval takes place on multiple levels, each with a different degree of difficulty and/or risk (please note that I’m only addressing relationship risk here, and not the physical violence risk that could result from any disapproval). I believe that disapproval from strangers (i.e., society at large) is the easiest thing to deal with and the lowest risk. Being out en femme and having some stranger, whom I’ll likely never see or interact with again, sneer at me or call me names (unjust, insulting, and hurtful as it may be) doesn’t impart a lasting or devastating impact to my life as a whole. The MUCH more difficult and even more costly thing is dealing with the disapproval that would come from those whom we love and who are such an integral and important part of our lives.
The reason I don’t like the fact that I’m a crossdresser is because it is absolutely incongruent with my masculine life, the place I live nearly all of the time, and where the people in my life
have come to know me – with that ‘knowing’ serving as the foundation of their love and respect for me, and their desire to commune with me. If/when they were to become aware that I am a
crossdresser, that same incongruence that I hate will become an equal or greater incongruence for them – and it will also deliver a destructive blow to the foundation that they thought existed. I believe this is fundamentally why so many wives/SOs leave after finding out, and other relationships with friends and family become broken or strained. A big secret (and one that may well be perceived as a ‘lie by omission’) has been revealed, and it just so happens to also be about one of the most polarizing, sensitive, and controversial topics for many people. Of course, there are success stories from CDs who came out to wives/SOs/family/friends, only to find them to be fully accepting and embracing of the activity and that their fears about “coming out” had been unfounded. While I rejoice for those individuals, I know this is NOT the majority, not by a long shot. Most crossdressers I know who have come out voluntarily or been unintentionally discovered have lost some of the most important and meaningful relationships in their lives as a result. I also have seen, and personally experienced, that the majority of any expressed ‘support’ falls into that germanely caveated category that many people tend to adopt: “I’m supportive, as long as it’s not happening in my own backyard.” When it comes to making choices about our crossdressing, these facts are not something to be taken lightly, or dismissed as being a necessary sacrifice, or considered to be a reasonable gamble, during a moment of intoxication in the very real “Pink fog” (or anything else).
Compromise and self-sacrifice are, and remain, noble and courageous deeds, even if contemporary viewpoints and societal leanings might conspire to compel you to think otherwise. Putting the interests of those we love ahead of our interests is an act of extraordinary courage, strength, fortitude, and, most importantly, love. Some of us remain in the closet (at least to family and friends) because we CHOOSE the closet. We make that choice not because we are ashamed, cowards, or are lacking any of the other qualities mentioned, but because we value the unbroken relationships we have, and the happiness of those whom we love most deeply, more than we value being able to fully express our feminine sides anywhere and anytime we might want to. In no way does this make our lives “inauthentic,” and I take the suggestion of such as demeaning and simply preposterous. There are a great many things that every single human being doesn’t ever share with anyone else– and that lack of a “public confession” doesn’t make them inauthentic or cowardly people.
The one thing I will acquiesce here is that by remaining in the closet, we’re not contributing to the public dataset that captures or reveals just how many of us crossdressers there are out there in the general population of men. You could make a case that this hurts “The cause,” and you’d be right. In that aspect, there is indeed a selfish component in the choice to remain in the closet, i.e., we’re choosing to keep other things in our lives over any potentially broader benefit that might result from our being included in the public count.
To my fellow crossdressers who choose to remain in the closet for any of the reasons I’ve mentioned here: Be proud of what you are and the sacrificial choices you have made; Know that your choice is recognized (even if only by a few) as a noble one of self-sacrifice, kindness, compassion, and love for others. Remember that you are a beautiful and brave human being – for being a man who is a crossdresser (at an absolute minimum for having the courage to embrace your feminine side at all), and perhaps even more so for choosing to keep this part of you secret from family and friends in deference to those feelings and relationships with others whom you love more than yourself. You haven’t done anything to be ashamed of, and making the choice that is right for you does not make you a second-class citizen in the community of crossdressers – you are an equally worthy member in every regard!
We need to acknowledge the diversity of experiences for each one of us, in the closet or out, and be joyous and thankful for any and every opportunity for community – whether fully out and in-person at Keystone or other places/events, or only in the virtual world here in CDH or other forums/sites. We are all in this together – whether we like it or not….
With love for all,
Marcellette
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What a wonderful article by someone who I would consider a true ‘friend’ through our conversations I have gained so much from hearing your views and soaking up your insight . This article , like our other interactions gives me a deeper understanding of why perhaps my husband took so long to open up to me about this and you know what I actually also now makes me feel super proud of him for not doing it sooner ! Now there is a new thought process , I kinda always had it on my mind that he didn’t trust me… Read more »
@Laura New , Thanks so much Laura! I’m touched that what I’ve shared, and been able to communicate successfully, has been of value to you (and others) – we certainly can’t ask for any better outcome from all of our collective discussions, and in particular as the wife of a crossdresser what you so personally share, not just with me but with all of CDH is priceless. Thank you for that! We worry and struggle so much trying to predict or figure out the unknown, e.g., what our wives/SOs will think of all this, that hearing the truth from someone… Read more »
Thank you so much for this superb article. I feel rejuvenated after reading it. Perfect timing, being closeted I needed the reinsurance at this time due to unforeseen circumstances occurring in my life. ❤
@Robinette Robbyns , Thanks Robinette, I’m so glad it helped you in some way!
Remember that you’re not alone in this, many are ready to provide support, an ear to just listen, a shoulder to cry on, or whatever you may need during this tough time for you. Please feel free to PM me if you need anything or just want to talk about it with someone.
Wow, just wow. This is something that I feel has been missing from this site. Reading story after story about how great it is to be out can be soul crushing. Why do I get the impression that if I not looking to break out of the closet (bedroom), that I am not being true to myself? It’s refreshing to hear someone talk about how it feels to be private about their own personal choices. I enjoy being Heather in my own way, which is an ever changing reality. Your story has brought me joy at hearing someone share those… Read more »
@Heather Kendall , Thank you Heather, it’s very touching to hear how something I shared brought you some joy – can’t ask for more than that! And right back at you, be happy on your journey – they’re all different, and we can rejoice and be inspired in some way by each and every one of them, from the full out-n-about to the deeply closeted. It doesn’t mean than any of them is necessarily ‘ideal,’ but very few are ever going to be, so we (IMO) should be thankful and joyous where we can (e.g., my new car might be… Read more »
The more “public” and “out there” everyone gets in this crazy internet-connected universe, the more it makes me want to go the other way.
When you come across a recent article with 78 comments (as of right now), in only 4 days – then you know it’s a good one. In this case it’s the best one I’ve ever read in my time here in the Crossdressers Doll House.🥰 Firstly, Marcellette, you were exactly the type of sister I was looking to meet at Keystone. But unfortunately we cannot meet everyone and even though I was in attendance, I was somewhat awestruck by it all and remained mostly in the shadows. I gravitate toward smaller groups. If you go next year I want to… Read more »
Oh my, Grace, you have me blushing with those comments – thank you so much, it means a lot to me. All of the comments on this article have provided me with such affirmation, and unexpectedly so – because I genuinely didn’t think it would resonate with so many in the way it has, and that truly humbles me! Thanks again for your most kind compliments, and if I can make it to Keystone next year I’ll definitely take you up on that breakfast invitation 😋!
@Marcellette Laval This is so right and to the point. I believe that you have found something that a lot of us deny. There is truth in your words and love. Thanks for sharing.
@Barbara Zell , Thank you Barbara!
While I tend to write about my more empowered times, there are times when I have to put cross-dressing aside for a while. And it is a great form of sanity to control urges or carefully assess how much one should say to others. This article is a very valuable examination of that process. The cross-dressing community are an intelligent bunch!