Today I was listening to a TED talk on shame by Brene Brown. She said, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put the same shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”
I got shivers up my spine as I thought about my transgender experience. Shame has been a constant companion through my journey, it has haunted me even as I asked the question of my readers, “Are you ashamed of being a crossdresser” and even when I stand on the mountaintop victorious over shame I’m aware that it still bides it’s time, hoping for an insurrection of my spirit.
Secrecy
Those in the transgender community know secrecy well. It has been our bed fellow since before we knew what it meant. Growing up in secrecy we hid our feelings. As we blossomed into adulthood we desperately fought to keep our deepest darkest from others. Like a cancer from within, secrecy ate our souls.
Silence
Like twin demons dancing down the path to despair, silence and secrecy skip hand in hand. Our desire for secrecy kept us silent, and the silence of the community kept others silent. A lot has changed in the last 10 years. The voices of those who can no longer embrace secrecy has sent a cry of hope out into the silence. This was the reason I started Crossdresser Heaven. At first it was my cry for help – to myself, to understand what I was going through. Then it became my cry of hope – small though it may be, I added my voice to the chorus of those offering advice, encouragement and solace. I told my transgender story. I shared your transgender stories.
Judgement
Yet judgement wandered among us still – the judgement of our hearts, the judgement of those with little understanding or care. They condemned us as sinners, as heathens and accused us of all manner of debauchery. They stripped down our identity to a single word, erasing all our good deeds and contributions to hang the sign, “Transgender” around our necks. For many the shame was so strong that we bowed our heads and wore this brand as if it were tattooed on our hearts.
Empathy
It does not need to be this way. We do not need to hide in secret, weep in silence or cower at the judgement foisted upon us. Dear readers, lovely ladies and beautiful kindred spirits, I understand your walk. I know your shame, I feel your struggle, and I hold your hand as you get back up one more time. We are here together. Alone they can isolate us, ridicule us. Together we are strong. Together we can change laws and melt hearts. Together we can find comfort and share warmth.
Together we can pour the salve of empathy on shame. Dousing it so thoroughly that no secrecy, or silence, or judgement can ever infect the beauty of who we are created to be. For all those who have not heard it yet, today I say to you, “me too.“
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- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
All your stories have mad me me a little more comfortable. Thank you
anyone wana chat?
I love that these older posts pop up from time to time. Very timely in my case. So, my fiance knows about my femme side, is supportive and loves me. For more than a couple years now. But, the shame is soooo ingrained that I still sheepishly fold my girly clothes on laundry day and yesterday rushed to change when she came home unexpectedly. I got caught and, far from that ingrained shaming that seems second nature, she reassured me that it’s all good, and I don’t have to hide anything. Obviously, that made me feel so much better and… Read more »
hi im chris but prefer christine im not ashamed more nervous an scared id love to meet a crossdresser who would take the time to help me dress with make up an possibly go out dressed up they would have to be patient because as i really want to be a girl i am as i said very scared an nervous i live alone so that would not be a problem and i can travel i dont as yet have any girl s clothes cos im scared to go into shops anyway thats my story xx
I have such a hard time of it all, my wife knows I dress, but I can only do it when she’s not around. So I buy clothes in secret, she knows I do it she doesn’t say anything about. I so wish she would let me be me, even when she’s around. I’m sure there is a lot I could learn from her. There is so much I don’t know about dressing.
Thank you Jennifer for sharing your story which is so familiar to mine… I dress when my wife is not around. It would be nice if we were able to share our feminine side with our SO’s
A very true statement. I have fought these battle’s all my life but no more. I am done living like that.
Jennifer. My wife also has struggled very hard with the way I am. She is trying very hard to come to terms with it. Try talking to her if she will listen. She has not divorced you so there is always a chance. Give her time don’t force it on her or get angry. It will take alot of time it is as hard for them as it is for us.
I went out today all Dress up make-up and a nice summer dress I had my flack bosons on ( makes me a 36DD felt good went for a road trip drove to a mall walk around the mall for a hour some people look fun at me but did not say anything though I better get going went home and change into just a bra and panties had a good day.
I am still struggling with my family knowing. Due to bigot comments I feel like I can not even talk to them. But am I shame that I am cd tg no way. I have embraced my name new life and enjoy every moment of it. My only downfall is my company has no tolerance for cross dress trans gender. And I have to cd in secrecy there. I am not giving up my high pay so I at least where lingerie and some fem tops when I have to wear a blazer. Good luck everyone on your journey
You look at all these other younger crossdressers or the ones in their 30s 40s they have a face of a real womens face,Now how about us that can’t help how our faces look and Still want to say we are as Beautiful as real women and thoses other crossdressers Yes I’m a Shame on how my face is and can’t find anyone to help me with the make up as far as my body completely smooth shaven my walk my talk very Good clothes still a Question but I’m not a shamed on thoses ideams just my Face