Dear Readers,
I’m excited to introduce you to one of our lovely Ambassadors, Codille Benton. If you’ve been on the Crossdresesr Heaven forums recently you’ve no doubt seen her around and chatted with her. She touches on something I’ve heard many ask before, can you be happy crossdressing without transitioning, or is full transition inevitable?
She chose the image of a phoenix rising to represent her rebirth – a very fitting and beautiful representation of discovering your woman inside.
Codille is a shining star of Crossdresser Heaven, and this is her story.
Codille – Happy as a Crossdresser Without Transitioning
Hello World, I want to introduce myself so you know who I am, an insight into Codille. I am a MTF Crossdresser and I have gone through some major personality mental calibrations over the last year and instead of feeling conflicted between my male persona and Codille, they have really finally after thirty years merged/unified and become just ME. My name here is Codille and as some of you have read my profile or know me through chatting, I have been married to a wonderful, amazing, understanding and supportive woman for almost 21 years. I know I am blessed here as this is not the case for many crossdressers.
My wife has known both sides of me since right before I proposed 23 years ago. I have three great and precocious kids, all of whom are teens. My kids don’t know about Codille yet; as we, my wife and I, are working on dealing with how to tell and handle the extended family and friends’ dynamic of that before we tell the kids. The two youngest are going to have little to no issue, the eldest is a question mark.
What is wonderful as you probably understand, I a little over a year ago became whole when ME and Codille just became ME. I love my female persona of Codille but use it now more of a screen, protection for my family, and to put others at ease. Codille has been part of me for almost 32 years now so ME and Codille are now two sides of the same coin and interchangeable in my head depending on how I feel moment to moment. Unlike where some are before making the decision transition, I am truly a MTF crossdresser and heterosexual with no desire or feeling of the need to transition fully to a woman.
Also it being, no matter your sexual orientation you are, if you still feel like you are male, it is ok to crossdress and express who you are and it society that is going to need to catch up like it is slowly with the transgender community?
Friends and Crossdressing
I am fortunate to have a tight circle of friends including my wife that know I CD, all 5 are all women. I haven’t had the courage at the age of 45 to tell the guys yet, as I said I am working on that. One of my confidants is in the process of transitioning and talking with her, I can understand what she is feeling and comprehend but not empathize. Another in my circle is Bi-sexual and has gone from straight to lesbian to BI, needless to say she has gone through her own journey. So I have a wide spectrum of sexuality in my group of friends.
One of the reasons I think I can relate to such a variety of individuals is in that I have such a great blend of both the male and female psych, that I can grasp where they are coming from. My wife though not CD, or have any interest, has these traits as well, the blend of female and male psych. I believe this is why we are such kindred spirits, sort of like yin and yang. So I hope that was not TMI but gives you a little insight into one of your Ambassadors on Crossdresser Heaven and why I can do what I do, listen, be supportive and be a friend. That and 25 years in personnel management skills doesn’t hurt any, LOL.
I want you to know ladies that you have someone on your side that really feels both sides and is not conflicted, and that it is possible to have balance between your male and female side and you can feel complete and at peace with ALL of you. I look forward to chatting with you on the site. Feel free to message me and say “Hi”!!
Hugs,
Codille Benton
P.S. If you would like to be featured on Crossdresser Heaven, please submit your crossdressing success story. If you’ve already shared on the forums it’s okay to repurpose what you wrote. I’d also love to hear from ladies who are crossdressing without transitioning, and happy in both genders.
Hi Codille, Thank you for the article and the follow up comments. You express my feelings exactly. In my 30 plus years of dressing I have very often fantasized about transitioning and enjoying all of the benefits of being a woman. However, what you put so eloquently is that in the end, that is just what it is – a fantasy. And, there should be no shame in having a fantasy. In reality, how is it different than a civil war re-enacter (talk about freaks) or those romance novels our wives read. It’s not something that I expect will happen… Read more »
Julie, I love how you just turned crossed dressing into an extreme sport. 1000 Yard heels? LOL. Yes, it was amazing to here the very strange words of normal from a Psychiatrist but hey then I got an MRI and that confirmed it. My family and friends think I paid the Doc and Tech off. 🙂 I too am in my mid to late 40’s now and have gotten comfortable. I obviously will never transition but one of my best friends in the CD world I went through the whole process with her. I am a him, she was always… Read more »
Good thoughts. I have blended my boy mode with my girl mode. It is true when I dress as a lady I want to be called Rachel however it is always me. I dress 16 hours a day: the only place I do not look like a women is at work.
Rachel,
We have a few members here who you may have already come across in the same situation. Let me know if you want some contacts.
Codille
I started with crossdressing and I loved it. But I couldn’t shake off my feminine feelings no matter how hard that tried to repressed my thoughts. Obviously there something more going on inside my mind than a desire to cross dress. I felt comfortable being in my male body but on the other hand I wanted to be female. I felt that my female feelings is part of me. I realized that my crossdressing is me presenting my female side and not a fantasy about being feminine. I went into therapy. My therapist was my guide for my journey to… Read more »
Lisbeth,
It sounds like you have found a happy place to be in your life. I am glad you went through the journey of self discovery and came out the other side a much happier and balanced person. It’s an amazing feeling if you can get there, not many of us can.
Hugs,
Codille
Codile, thank you so much. This journey is for a life time. At this point in my journey is accepting myself for who I am. Finding acceptance is a huge challenge and at times it felt impossible. I would move forward towards acceptance and then fall back in total denial. My confusion has been overwhelming. I wished that I was simply a crossdresser without all the gender baggage.But I have to deal with the cards that I’m given and go forward and live an authentic life or live a repressed life and suffer the agony of denial. BTW CDH has… Read more »
I start crossdressing when i was 20 years old and stop but now im doing it again i fill happier when im dress as a female i guess it is to open up but i finally told my cousin and she accepts me wish im happy but new on this website and im glad i enjoy the website so happy thank you everyone
Welcome Melinda!!!
wow how lucky to have such a diverse group of welcoming and accepting friends:) and blessings on having an understanding wife…I don’t know where I would be if mine weren’t understanding as well:)
<3 Sage <3
Sage,
More and more diverse every day…. LOL. And a HUGE blessing that your wife is supportive, it is one of the biggest difference makers there is.
Codille
Codille, you are SO right. If I didn’t think there was a chance she would be okay with my crossdressing, I don’t think I would have come out for a LONG time. I totally agree with ya about a supportive wife
Great story of your experience Codille. I can relate to many of your thoughts and I feel very much the same way about transitioning. I’m very happy to be where I’m at, in the middle of my masculinity and femininity. There are times I desire to be more feminine and for longer periods of time, but I also am aware I have a family that needs their father and a wife that needs her husband.
Amee,
Sounds like you want the magic 24 hour transformation wand like I do!!! 🙂 Wouldn’t mind trying it but I like things right where things are.
Codille
Exactly Codille! And does that 24-hour transformation come with a professional makeover too, haha?
I’d love to go to a crossdressing service once too, and have all the set-up, clothes, makeup and poses done for me. Just once….
~Amee
Jane’s closet used to do that complete trans clothes breast forms part of the package undies pantyhose type Janet closet in browser In Detroit mi
Think long and hard before confiding in people who do … not … understand. Consider the consequences of your noble intentions. IMO, some things are best to remain private. Once you step out, there is … no … return. Jen
Jen,
Everyone has their own comfort level here. If you don’t feel you are ready to make that step, heck it took me until my 30th year of dressing to tell my own kids. I understand. There are still people that don’t and won’t know about Codille, that said I keep telling more and more people at the strangest times that I wasn’t planning but IT FELT RIGHT. So go with your on gut, you know what is best for you!
Hugs,
Codille
I m with you
I m a crossdresser but heterosexual
Biologically male and present as male with a femme twist
No make for me just a man who likes the styles options and clothes of what society says is for women
I could just as easily wear a pair of femme bootcut tight jeans a matching bra and panties with a v neck T and a 3 inch pump and be cool
As a man suit
Just me
Proud accepting of meb
Stef,
Welcome to the club and I will say you are certainly not alone.
Codille
I know that feeling, too. (((HUGS)))
Thanks Mila!!!!!!
My life as a Crossdresser was started by my sisters dressing me up in their clothes starting at age 7. They thought I looked “cute" in their clothes. This went on until I was around 13 or 14. To this day, I thank them for all they taught me.
Weird how things work out that way!!!