At an outdoor music event where I was in guy mode, flying solo, I noticed a couple consisting of a young man and lady walk on to the lawn and pause. The guy stops, puts his hands on his hips and looks around to assess the situation. The woman stops, watches the guy for a second, then starts looking where he’s looking, and scanning the area. He seems intent. She seems curious about what she should be looking for. The male and female dynamic seems apparent, or perhaps I’m projecting on to them my own stereotypes.

As I watched them, my mind went back two weeks prior when I was visiting in Asheville, NC. I took several opportunities to dress, sometimes as an all up girl or sometimes androgynous or genderless. One of the total en femme evenings was a dinner out with a friend who is an ex-girlfriend from 5 years ago. She is a dear friend now, and she is one of the dozen or two people who know Lorie exists. This was her first face to face time meeting Lorie.

It was exciting to be out in public, and my friend seemed comfortable with the situation of me being Lorie. In a later conversation she shared that it felt just like any dinner with her other girlfriends, just chatting away, and not like she was with a guy. This was nice to hear!

But while we were having dinner, I felt a certain discomfort, or internal contradiction, perhaps. I couldn’t place it. It seemed quite silly, because I was delighted to be out in public, despite any (perceived) curious glances from other diners.

It was when I saw that couple at the music event that I got a glimpse of why I was a little awkward at the dinner. I wondered if perhaps the discomfort was because I was not accustomed to the female role in a relationship, whether as a friend or a significant other. I felt a bit disoriented by the change in my role (again – my perceived role). I was more familiar with the guy role of assessing, evaluating, and working the logistics.

There were several questions running through my head such as: How does a woman behave and relate in this situation? What is this feeling I’m experiencing of relating on a more emotional level, and less pragmatic? Can I see how I want to reach out for the old and safe anchor of male practicality? What do I do with that, especially in a potentially anxious environment that can trigger a desire for the safer, familiar ground of maleness?

Then I began to wonder about the dating scene. I’m attracted to women still – always have been. So that means I’ll be going out with women and flirting as a woman. What will that be like? Can I find my voice in that situation? Can I stand inside my feminine self without resorting to the male persona? How much do I tend to control conversations or relationships in guy mode? Time to take an honest look.

Visit Transgender Heaven

This journey sometimes feels a whole lot differently than it “thinks”. It can feel both like a home-coming and stepping onto foreign soil at the same time!

I am grateful for this awareness and the opportunity to integrate it all so that I can be made whole.

What integration are you aware of that feels disorienting, conflicting, or confusing?

When dressed totally en femme, do you find yourself attracted to females, males, or possibly both? And how that may be different when you are dressed in all guy clothing?

Thanks for taking time to read my article and I’m looking forward to hearing your responses.

Love ya, Lorie




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Lorie Peace

Since I was 8 I’ve found myself occasionally dressing in girls clothes and loving it. Then I would feel ashamed, tho I rarely purged. About four years ago I decided to embrace it fully, at least in private. Started buying clothes at thrift stores, retail stores, shoes, wig, makeup. I’ve found that I enjoy different points along the spectrum male female, and just seeing what feels right at different times. Sometimes I feel like I’m not “legit” because I’m not full trans, or gay, or bi. Just enjoy genderfluid, or ambi-gender when it happens. It took me months to sign up for cdh, but here I am! I find it fascinating to watch myself through this journey because I've been a life coach for 12 years and I see some of the possibilities for healing as a coach, yet I am dealing with the insecurities and uncertainties and shame that anyone else here might deal with. I'm also grateful that I have this experience to draw on when working with my clients, whatever their gender might be. Most recently I've decided to get micro dosing hrt to feminize a bit. I honor both and all my genders, but I feel that I lean feminine and would like to bring my body in alignment with this spectrum of experiences. I started in 2020, and I'm excited. The results are minor but affirming. In the second half of 2020, I had a "gender reveal party." I told most people, at least the ones I'm closest to, and I'm gradually telling more. It's a constant process. At my age, who gives a hoot? Well, truth be told, I do. I'm still nervous, but I go out as Lorie when I go to my church or to the grocery. Can't wait to get out more!

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Anne Preuss
Active Member
2 years ago

Lorie, thank you so much for your introspective and thought-provoking article. No question that when I am out and about in male mode, that my circuitry upstairs can heavily lean towards those male characteristics. But when I am out en femme as Anne, I feel like a different person and enjoy that feminine persona that takes over. But I realize that part of this is because I am purposely trying to mimic and evoke those feminine qualities that make women what they are. I find myself wondering how much is forced and how much is naturally occurring because I am… Read more »

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