At an outdoor music event where I was in guy mode, flying solo, I noticed a couple consisting of a young man and lady walk on to the lawn and pause. The guy stops, puts his hands on his hips and looks around to assess the situation. The woman stops, watches the guy for a second, then starts looking where he’s looking, and scanning the area. He seems intent. She seems curious about what she should be looking for. The male and female dynamic seems apparent, or perhaps I’m projecting on to them my own stereotypes.
As I watched them, my mind went back two weeks prior when I was visiting in Asheville, NC. I took several opportunities to dress, sometimes as an all up girl or sometimes androgynous or genderless. One of the total en femme evenings was a dinner out with a friend who is an ex-girlfriend from 5 years ago. She is a dear friend now, and she is one of the dozen or two people who know Lorie exists. This was her first face to face time meeting Lorie.
It was exciting to be out in public, and my friend seemed comfortable with the situation of me being Lorie. In a later conversation she shared that it felt just like any dinner with her other girlfriends, just chatting away, and not like she was with a guy. This was nice to hear!
But while we were having dinner, I felt a certain discomfort, or internal contradiction, perhaps. I couldn’t place it. It seemed quite silly, because I was delighted to be out in public, despite any (perceived) curious glances from other diners.
It was when I saw that couple at the music event that I got a glimpse of why I was a little awkward at the dinner. I wondered if perhaps the discomfort was because I was not accustomed to the female role in a relationship, whether as a friend or a significant other. I felt a bit disoriented by the change in my role (again – my perceived role). I was more familiar with the guy role of assessing, evaluating, and working the logistics.
There were several questions running through my head such as: How does a woman behave and relate in this situation? What is this feeling I’m experiencing of relating on a more emotional level, and less pragmatic? Can I see how I want to reach out for the old and safe anchor of male practicality? What do I do with that, especially in a potentially anxious environment that can trigger a desire for the safer, familiar ground of maleness?
Then I began to wonder about the dating scene. I’m attracted to women still – always have been. So that means I’ll be going out with women and flirting as a woman. What will that be like? Can I find my voice in that situation? Can I stand inside my feminine self without resorting to the male persona? How much do I tend to control conversations or relationships in guy mode? Time to take an honest look.
This journey sometimes feels a whole lot differently than it “thinks”. It can feel both like a home-coming and stepping onto foreign soil at the same time!
I am grateful for this awareness and the opportunity to integrate it all so that I can be made whole.
What integration are you aware of that feels disorienting, conflicting, or confusing?
When dressed totally en femme, do you find yourself attracted to females, males, or possibly both? And how that may be different when you are dressed in all guy clothing?
Thanks for taking time to read my article and I’m looking forward to hearing your responses.
Love ya, Lorie
More Articles by LaWren Peace
- “SelfPartnered:” A New Way To See Myself
- Coming Out; My Favorite System
- I Wanted To Be The Girl In A Dress
- Can I ever be Enough?
- Dancing at the Redmoor
Hi Lorie , a whole lot of thought provoking ideas in your article , I know immediately to mind that if I’m out with my wife ( as her husband ) that we role shift , my mannerisms can & do become femmine & she can become quite masculine . This isn’t always to balance the male/ female in the couple , it just happens . Hope this makes some sense , Tiff
Tiff, I had the same thing happen with my former wife. I learned from a counselor that this is the norm. If one person shifts, the other will subconsciously shift to fill the void. Isn’t that interesting?
Wow , to have this acknowledged by a professional is hugely interesting . It’s not s concern for us fortunately , it just how we’ve adapted .
Thank you for letting me know this ☺
Hi Lorie, I can see the conflict growing up in Chicago in the city the male protector always comes out in me. As Kathy I enjoy the feminine side and would love the supported role but as you stated as male it’s impossible to suppress. I’m what I feel which is lesbian as it comes to attraction and desire.
I feel like I can move into the supported role if I am conscious of the male trying to rise. I learned in my coaching practice to be able to talk to that “part" of me that is trying to protect me, and tell it that I’m OK for now and “he" can just rest for a while. I’ll let “him" know when I need help.
Great article, if in female mode I would be attracted to nice looking guys as I want to be treated as an object of desire and hopefully be attractive to them also. In male mode I love women despite looking at their clothes and feeling envious that I am not in a dress too.
Hi Sandra, thanks for your kind words. That idea that it’s nice to be attractive to men makes sense. If I feel good and want people to look at me, perhaps the ultimate compliment is the attention from a man. Then again, am I setting myself up for disappointment by expecting it if I’m not “passing." Thanks for your perspective.
My first wife knew of my crossdressing, but never wanted to know what it meant to me or my perspective. If she had been willing to listen and could get past her judgment, preconceptions, and dismissal, who knows where we’d be? We’d probably still have divorced, because the CD thing was not a significant contributor, merely another reflection of poor communication. My current wife (24years) is not comfortable with the whole CD thing, but she does not judge me – knows it’s part of the man she loves. That said, I remember being out with the first, maybe 30 years… Read more »
Hi Lorrie I read your post and there is something that you said about how do you feel if your dressed en.femme and presenting yourself as a female when you are talking to a guy Well this is what happened to me. I was at a club listening to a band all by myself when a good looking guy came over and asked me if I wanted to dance with him. I was flattered that he asked me and before I thought to much about it I accepted and we went to the dance floor. There was a fast song… Read more »
Janine, Thanks for sharing your experience. I can get a sense of what that would be like for me through your description, though I’m guessing that the sensations would be much stronger if I was the one in the picture.
I enjoy hearing that it was a gentleman and that there wasn’t any weird feelings coming from him. I’m glad you could say at the end of the evening, “All is well."
Its wonderfull to dance as a girl,I have done it once and I enjoyed it and remember that moment with happiness.
I guess dancing with a man can seem very natural when we’re in femme mode, because it’s not just our dress and heels that we’ve stepped into, but our real self.
Hi, Personal relationship dynamics can be interesting. I’ve been married for 52 years this month. She’s known about my cross-dressing for 47 of those years. Over that time our dynamic has evolved as have my dressing habits and my perception of my gender. I’ve progressively let my feminine side have more room to be expressed. Two things have remained constant. While I’m out a lot more often en femme and interact with people more directly, I’m still attracted to only the female of the species, as in heterosexual according to my plumbing. I tend to shy away from prolonged interaction… Read more »
Patricia, you have such an awesome opportunity! If it was me, I would be thinking that I could be totally forthright about what I wanted in the relationship, and ask her if that’s what she wants, knowing that if it doesn’t work out that way I will probably never see her again. In other words, I can be clear about the type of relationship I want while not being attached to the outcome being a certain way. As a life coach, I often have similar conversations with my clients so that they can get out from under the shadow of… Read more »
While my wife is very understanding about my feminine nature and we do have an awesome relationship, her being anywhere near me while I’m out totally en femme, isn’t going to happen. Because she isn’t comfortable with letting people know she’s married to a transgender person, when we go out together, I dress from the butch side of my wardrobe. Usually a woman’s polo shirt and woman’s jeans for casual; Woman’s elastic waist slacks (no fly, no hip pockets) and a woman’s oxford shirt, untucked to hide the lack of a fly. All of it butch enough that people can… Read more »
Hi Lorie, i did a post about a similar thing recently, your article sums it all up nicely and is very thought provoking. In my case, because i have not been outside dressed femme as yet, i dont really know which way i shall go. I must admit, the thought of dressing femme and dating another woman sounds very romantic, on the other hand, so does dating a man!! you see, when i dress femme, i am totally in female mode as i were, so you feel female, think female, act female etc, to a point, i suppose, without getting… Read more »
Fiona,
I think I can understand your feelings. I wonder if that might be my feelings down the road as I explore more of my femme self. That being said, all of my sexual fantasies in either mode are imagined with women, never men. We’ll see!
Closeted in a DADT 36 year marriage, I have little experience in this regard. The introspective expressed here is informative, and exceptional reading. Thank you one and all, I’m sure to explore this idea extensively.
Glad it gets the mind and heart moving around. I love the fact that the Q in LGBTQ+ means both Queer and QUESTIONING! You’re included.
Peace, Lorie
Lorie, Great article. I have had all those questions and more. You hit the nail on the head when you asked how does a woman behave and relate in this situation. Each and every time i have been out i wonder. How should a woman act and how does a woman act. I know those sound like the same question but they are very different. There are times I get compliments from men. Do I thank nicely and flee. Is that a fear because I dress response or would a woman flee too because he is being forward. Do I… Read more »
Hi Sara, I envy you that you’ve had those situations to receive compliments! It hasn’t happened to me yet, but I get what you’re saying about what is the right response and is it a little dangerous to give a positive response. I wonder about that a lot. What do I do? What do I feel? Is it just fun or playing with fire? Even the comment you made “if I act more feminine will I be more feminine. And will this start me to be so feminine I will want men more than my wife." feels very relevant to… Read more »