At an outdoor music event where I was in guy mode, flying solo, I noticed a couple consisting of a young man and lady walk on to the lawn and pause. The guy stops, puts his hands on his hips and looks around to assess the situation. The woman stops, watches the guy for a second, then starts looking where he’s looking, and scanning the area. He seems intent. She seems curious about what she should be looking for. The male and female dynamic seems apparent, or perhaps I’m projecting on to them my own stereotypes.

As I watched them, my mind went back two weeks prior when I was visiting in Asheville, NC. I took several opportunities to dress, sometimes as an all up girl or sometimes androgynous or genderless. One of the total en femme evenings was a dinner out with a friend who is an ex-girlfriend from 5 years ago. She is a dear friend now, and she is one of the dozen or two people who know Lorie exists. This was her first face to face time meeting Lorie.

It was exciting to be out in public, and my friend seemed comfortable with the situation of me being Lorie. In a later conversation she shared that it felt just like any dinner with her other girlfriends, just chatting away, and not like she was with a guy. This was nice to hear!

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But while we were having dinner, I felt a certain discomfort, or internal contradiction, perhaps. I couldn’t place it. It seemed quite silly, because I was delighted to be out in public, despite any (perceived) curious glances from other diners.

It was when I saw that couple at the music event that I got a glimpse of why I was a little awkward at the dinner. I wondered if perhaps the discomfort was because I was not accustomed to the female role in a relationship, whether as a friend or a significant other. I felt a bit disoriented by the change in my role (again – my perceived role). I was more familiar with the guy role of assessing, evaluating, and working the logistics.

There were several questions running through my head such as: How does a woman behave and relate in this situation? What is this feeling I’m experiencing of relating on a more emotional level, and less pragmatic? Can I see how I want to reach out for the old and safe anchor of male practicality? What do I do with that, especially in a potentially anxious environment that can trigger a desire for the safer, familiar ground of maleness?

Then I began to wonder about the dating scene. I’m attracted to women still – always have been. So that means I’ll be going out with women and flirting as a woman. What will that be like? Can I find my voice in that situation? Can I stand inside my feminine self without resorting to the male persona? How much do I tend to control conversations or relationships in guy mode? Time to take an honest look.

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This journey sometimes feels a whole lot differently than it “thinks”. It can feel both like a home-coming and stepping onto foreign soil at the same time!

I am grateful for this awareness and the opportunity to integrate it all so that I can be made whole.

What integration are you aware of that feels disorienting, conflicting, or confusing?

When dressed totally en femme, do you find yourself attracted to females, males, or possibly both? And how that may be different when you are dressed in all guy clothing?

Thanks for taking time to read my article and I’m looking forward to hearing your responses.

Love ya, Lorie

 

 

 

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Tiff Any
Member
Tiff Any
1 year ago

Hi Lorie , a whole lot of thought provoking ideas in your article , I know immediately to mind that if I’m out with my wife ( as her husband ) that we role shift , my mannerisms can & do become femmine & she can become quite masculine . This isn’t always to balance the male/ female in the couple , it just happens . Hope this makes some sense , Tiff

Tiff Any
Member
Tiff Any
1 year ago
Reply to  Lorie Peace

Wow , to have this acknowledged by a professional is hugely interesting . It’s not s concern for us fortunately , it just how we’ve adapted .
Thank you for letting me know this ☺

Kathy LaDonna
Trusted Member
1 year ago

Hi Lorie, I can see the conflict growing up in Chicago in the city the male protector always comes out in me. As Kathy I enjoy the feminine side and would love the supported role but as you stated as male it’s impossible to suppress. I’m what I feel which is lesbian as it comes to attraction and desire.

sandra louise saunders
Member
sandra louise saunders
1 year ago

Great article, if in female mode I would be attracted to nice looking guys as I want to be treated as an object of desire and hopefully be attractive to them also. In male mode I love women despite looking at their clothes and feeling envious that I am not in a dress too.

Falecia McGuire
Active Member
1 year ago

My first wife knew of my crossdressing, but never wanted to know what it meant to me or my perspective. If she had been willing to listen and could get past her judgment, preconceptions, and dismissal, who knows where we’d be? We’d probably still have divorced, because the CD thing was not a significant contributor, merely another reflection of poor communication. My current wife (24years) is not comfortable with the whole CD thing, but she does not judge me – knows it’s part of the man she loves. That said, I remember being out with the first, maybe 30 years… Read more »

Janine
Member
1 year ago

Hi Lorrie I read your post and there is something that you said about how do you feel if your dressed en.femme and presenting yourself as a female when you are talking to a guy Well this is what happened to me. I was at a club listening to a band all by myself when a good looking guy came over and asked me if I wanted to dance with him. I was flattered that he asked me and before I thought to much about it I accepted and we went to the dance floor. There was a fast song… Read more »

MARIELLA RUIZ
Member
1 year ago

Its wonderfull to dance as a girl,I have done it once and I enjoyed it and remember that moment with happiness.

Patricia Marie Allen
Active Member

Hi, Personal relationship dynamics can be interesting. I’ve been married for 52 years this month. She’s known about my cross-dressing for 47 of those years. Over that time our dynamic has evolved as have my dressing habits and my perception of my gender. I’ve progressively let my feminine side have more room to be expressed. Two things have remained constant. While I’m out a lot more often en femme and interact with people more directly, I’m still attracted to only the female of the species, as in heterosexual according to my plumbing. I tend to shy away from prolonged interaction… Read more »

Patricia Marie Allen
Active Member
Reply to  Lorie Peace

While my wife is very understanding about my feminine nature and we do have an awesome relationship, her being anywhere near me while I’m out totally en femme, isn’t going to happen. Because she isn’t comfortable with letting people know she’s married to a transgender person, when we go out together, I dress from the butch side of my wardrobe. Usually a woman’s polo shirt and woman’s jeans for casual; Woman’s elastic waist slacks (no fly, no hip pockets) and a woman’s oxford shirt, untucked to hide the lack of a fly. All of it butch enough that people can… Read more »

Fiona-Ann Moss
Active Member
1 year ago

Hi Lorie, i did a post about a similar thing recently, your article sums it all up nicely and is very thought provoking. In my case, because i have not been outside dressed femme as yet, i dont really know which way i shall go. I must admit, the thought of dressing femme and dating another woman sounds very romantic, on the other hand, so does dating a man!! you see, when i dress femme, i am totally in female mode as i were, so you feel female, think female, act female etc, to a point, i suppose, without getting… Read more »

Samantha Lane
Member
1 year ago

Closeted in a DADT 36 year marriage, I have little experience in this regard. The introspective expressed here is informative, and exceptional reading. Thank you one and all, I’m sure to explore this idea extensively.

Sara Marie Franklin (SMF)
Active Member

Lorie, Great article. I have had all those questions and more. You hit the nail on the head when you asked how does a woman behave and relate in this situation. Each and every time i have been out i wonder. How should a woman act and how does a woman act. I know those sound like the same question but they are very different. There are times I get compliments from men. Do I thank nicely and flee. Is that a fear because I dress response or would a woman flee too because he is being forward. Do I… Read more »

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