I am a genetic female in a relationship with a crossdresser, and I came to Crossdresser Heaven to try to understand him better and learn how to be the best partner I can be. I learned quickly that for a crossdresser, finding a supportive partner is a challenge, to put it lightly. Many relationships are either full of secrets or end as a result of a partner coming out as a crossdresser. Forums, chat room and articles on this site have been incredibly helpful to me as a partner, and I wanted to add my voice to the conversation for others like me, who come here trying to sort out how they feel.
I won’t go into too much detail about how my partner and I met. It’s a crazy story, and the details can be found in my profile. My partner’s ex-wife knew about his desire to dress and was not supportive. When we got together, he wanted to be upfront about his desire to dress and told me very early on. I don’t think that he even really knew to what extent these feelings were a part of him because he’d never really had the chance to explore his femme side. This definitely came as a surprise to me, but I’m pretty open-minded. I took some time to ask questions, do some research and examine my feelings. My first thought was, is he gay? Does he even want to be with me? The answers were a definitive no and yes. Then I wondered if he would want to transition someday, and what that would mean for us. I’m straight, so how could I be in a relationship with a woman? He assured me he was not interested in transitioning and that he liked both sides of his personality. I mean, he is a drag racing, muscle car building, military man who curses like a sailor – he didn’t want to give any of that up.
I made the decision that this wasn’t a deal breaker for me, and I just wanted him to be happy. I bought him makeup and pretty dresses, and he bought a wig and breast forms. This is when the “pink fog” set in, which I think is hard on all partners, even ones who are initially supportive. For a while, it seemed like all we ever talked about was dressing, and I was still just trying to wrap my head around it. To say I was jealous of his femme side sounds absurd, but I was giving my affection to him and her, and I felt a little neglected. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel the first time I saw him fully dressed. I couldn’t imagine my masculine guy in a dress and makeup. On a weekend visit at his house, we got him all dolled up, and WOW! It was so much fun! I have to say, he as a she looked absolutely beautiful. And while I’m not generally attracted to women, I found that really didn’t matter, because I looked into her eyes, and still saw the same person, my soulmate.
I can’t think of a time that I’d ever seen my partner as happy as that first night that he got to really feel like a she, and so I started to wonder if perhaps he really is trans, and just wasn’t ready to accept that yet. Would he tell me in a year or five or ten that he wants to transition? This was the hardest part of the entire experience for me, and at the heart of why I wanted to share our story. He said he will never want to transition, and I will take that at face value, but I know in my heart that if he did, I’d still be there for him, or rather, her. My partner is my soul mate, I know this to my core. Coming to this conclusion brought me so much peace about the whole situation. I realized that I had been harboring this lingering fear that he really wanted to be a woman, and then we couldn’t be together. I had lost him once and didn’t want to lose him ever again. By deciding that I would accept my love as a man or a woman, I was able to truly open my heart to this experience. Sometimes love is enough to overcome any obstacle, and sometimes it just isn’t. As a partner, this is your journey too, and you must be honest with yourself and your partner about the kind of future you are willing to live with to stay together.
Trisha, thank you so very much for posting this article. I hope someday soon my wife, who does know about me now, will be able to read this and gain some insight to my situations which sounds very similar to your spouses situation.
Thank you again for writing this and helping this site out.
Sara
I hope so too! I think it’s so important for partners to understand that they are part of the journey, or the road to acceptance will be a lonely one. I hope you encourage her to come to CDH, read the forums and join the spouse/SO group. It has been immensely helpful for me!
Thank you I will try.
Hi Trisha Anne
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You are a rare and wonderful woman. l hope your partner knows how lucky he is !!! and spends time with you doing whatever makes you happy as well.
Love
Bianca
Thank you Trisha for an important and insightful contribution from the other side, so to say. You have clearly realised it is the person and not the appearance that is important to you, and your husband is very lucky to have such an understanding and caring wife. I hope you will have a long and happpy life together regardless of where his (her?) Journey takes you.
Marianne Tornander
Thank you! I say this over and over, but I’m really the lucky one. My partner is a very special person. Just a note, we aren’t married, he’s just my boyfriend (sometimes girlfriend).
Omfg. What a beautiful human being you are!
Good morning Trisha, I love you, and I love your story. Thank you so much for sharing this with everyone. The love I felt in your words made me cry several times. The ability to open your heart completely to the one you love, your soul mate, and to love them unconditionally is one of the hardest things to do. They are so many influences in society that try to define what love is for us and it is difficult to push beyond those boundaries. When I started to read your story I initially thought my Fiance had wrote it.… Read more »
Kayla, You’re story is absolutely beautiful as well! It sounds like you have a truly special relationship with your fiancé. I suspect that many CD, even those with supportive partners, feel those same kinds of insecurities and self doubt. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you need to find balance between both of your identities. I have seen how easy it is to get swept up into your femme side when you have a partner who supports you, and from my perspective, how that can be hard on a partner. I think it is… Read more »
Trisha, Thank you SO much for sharing this. Your partner is a very lucky person to have found someone like you. I only wish my wife was half as understanding as you. We have come to to a semi comfortable place of “don’t ask, don’t tell” As a long time cross dresser, I know it’s difficult enough for me to understand why I dress, let alone try to explain it to someone else. I can also say, that at 62 years old and having dressed for as long as I can remember, I have no desire to transition, so chances… Read more »
Thank you for your kind words Ashleigh. My partner and I are both lucky, I promise! I think you bring up a really good point, that even as a lifelong CD, you still find it difficult to understand- I think that partners who are trying to understand need to hear that. I wish you and your wife the best as well!
Trisha thank you so much for being such a wonderful person and your presence here. I am so at ease when I seen you here doing so many thoughtful and meaningful responses to many new, confused and lost souls. At times I see unwanted attention that you have received at times and it must be overwhelming. I apologize for many as your wisdom does carry far and wide. Your thoughts in your responses are so sweet . Listening to you I have learned so much .it has helped me in my relationship to be able to communicate and most of… Read more »
Stephanie, Your comment has me choked up each time I read it, and I wanted to wait to respond until I had some time and was on my laptop not my phone. I came to this website for support and understanding, and never imagined that my presence here would also provide comfort for others as well. In fact, I was a bit nervous at first that I wouldn’t really be accepted, because my journey is certainly much different than that of a CD. Hearing that my comments have directly impacted your relationship in a positive way makes my heart happy.… Read more »
Trisha Anne – You are an amazing person!
What a wonderful tale of love and understanding Trisha! Your partner is very lucky to have such an amazing soulmate; one who realizes that the person they love is always there, no matter their gender expression.
Hugs,
April
I’m glad you are here, Trisha. Thanks for your wonderful article. I can tell you are a great human being. You bring from an interesting point of view in this place. Definitely, love matters a lot for you. In this moment when solitude is an important friend to me, your words feed my hope. I’m very grateful. I wish you two the best.
Gisela
Hi Trisha Anne, What a beautiful story. My wife Supports me in my Dressing. But Prefers not to see me Dressed. Which I am ok with. Having Support it self is a wonderful thing. I go out to places Occasionally Dressed. And She helps me with Advice. And we Shop together Some times. I Also talked a lot about dressing at first when these feelings came back with a vengeance about 3 Years a go. She knew I had experimented with Cross dressing as Child and Teenager. I told her before we got Married 40 Plus years Ago. I did… Read more »