I am a genetic female in a relationship with a crossdresser, and I came to Crossdresser Heaven to try to understand him better and learn how to be the best partner I can be. I learned quickly that for a crossdresser, finding a supportive partner is a challenge, to put it lightly. Many relationships are either full of secrets or end as a result of a partner coming out as a crossdresser. Forums, chat room and articles on this site have been incredibly helpful to me as a partner, and I wanted to add my voice to the conversation for others like me, who come here trying to sort out how they feel.
I won’t go into too much detail about how my partner and I met. It’s a crazy story, and the details can be found in my profile. My partner’s ex-wife knew about his desire to dress and was not supportive. When we got together, he wanted to be upfront about his desire to dress and told me very early on. I don’t think that he even really knew to what extent these feelings were a part of him because he’d never really had the chance to explore his femme side. This definitely came as a surprise to me, but I’m pretty open-minded. I took some time to ask questions, do some research and examine my feelings. My first thought was, is he gay? Does he even want to be with me? The answers were a definitive no and yes. Then I wondered if he would want to transition someday, and what that would mean for us. I’m straight, so how could I be in a relationship with a woman? He assured me he was not interested in transitioning and that he liked both sides of his personality. I mean, he is a drag racing, muscle car building, military man who curses like a sailor – he didn’t want to give any of that up.
I made the decision that this wasn’t a deal breaker for me, and I just wanted him to be happy. I bought him makeup and pretty dresses, and he bought a wig and breast forms. This is when the “pink fog” set in, which I think is hard on all partners, even ones who are initially supportive. For a while, it seemed like all we ever talked about was dressing, and I was still just trying to wrap my head around it. To say I was jealous of his femme side sounds absurd, but I was giving my affection to him and her, and I felt a little neglected. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel the first time I saw him fully dressed. I couldn’t imagine my masculine guy in a dress and makeup. On a weekend visit at his house, we got him all dolled up, and WOW! It was so much fun! I have to say, he as a she looked absolutely beautiful. And while I’m not generally attracted to women, I found that really didn’t matter, because I looked into her eyes, and still saw the same person, my soulmate.
I can’t think of a time that I’d ever seen my partner as happy as that first night that he got to really feel like a she, and so I started to wonder if perhaps he really is trans, and just wasn’t ready to accept that yet. Would he tell me in a year or five or ten that he wants to transition? This was the hardest part of the entire experience for me, and at the heart of why I wanted to share our story. He said he will never want to transition, and I will take that at face value, but I know in my heart that if he did, I’d still be there for him, or rather, her. My partner is my soul mate, I know this to my core. Coming to this conclusion brought me so much peace about the whole situation. I realized that I had been harboring this lingering fear that he really wanted to be a woman, and then we couldn’t be together. I had lost him once and didn’t want to lose him ever again. By deciding that I would accept my love as a man or a woman, I was able to truly open my heart to this experience. Sometimes love is enough to overcome any obstacle, and sometimes it just isn’t. As a partner, this is your journey too, and you must be honest with yourself and your partner about the kind of future you are willing to live with to stay together.
Your man is lucky to have you. I wish I could find a woman to be both my lover and my gal pal. It’d be even better if she was close to the same size as me so we could share clothes.
He is lucky to have a partner who try’s to understand. My wife said she was ok with until recently I found out she has been struggling with it. I wish she would talk to me about openly. I only dress a couple times a year and always at home alone per her request. It would be nice to share my fem side with her. I think she fears I’m Transgender and bisexual. Even though I’m not. I’m completely happy be a man 362 days a year. How do I get her to believe that?
I’m hardly an expert. But I’ve found a little bit of understanding by telling my wife I like the feminine part of life and I’m not attracted to men or being with others. The reaction wasn’t perfect but it was better when she was more secure that she was my center. That is a huge fear. That they are going to be left someday.
I agree with that important part!
This is a beautifully written article. I was able to feel true love through words, thank you.
Thank you for your kind words Cahira. I’m glad my words made you feel how I felt when writing them.
What a beautiful story! I salute your courage and your love!
First—-thank you for your service—and his…… Secondly—you are very unique—-a gift to your BF Then—please know that in my case, my wife also totally allows me to expand into this world…..and she wants me to express my fem self, and has even suggested once or twice to develop into a b cup……….but I couldn’t do that–too afraid. She will ask me, “how do you feel’—when all dressed, and to ‘let it go’…………and we act out our fem on fem experience without limitations. She has never indicated to me a fear that I want to change anything, been married over 40… Read more »
Lol!! That sure would be fun!
Wow what a wonderful story and to say I blew it with my wife with what you called the Pink Fog
Is a understatement still with a little love and some tears we
Have some understanding but not as in the beginning
Love Joci xx
Your story really touched me and hit home with me. I love my husband very much and we have been married many years. I needed to hear someone else who still had the same love for their partner.
I have many mixed emotions about this as it is still so new to me and my insecurities over whelm me at times, but my love for him is still strong.
Thanks for your wonderful writing I wish we had this web site
When I came out to my wife ha ha we didn’t have computers then
I offcorse went mad and the pink mist was more like a fog
Then our church got involved and well apparently the demons in me were
To blame ( it a surprise I’m sane ) thanks again Love Joci xx
I told my SO a few days ago that I wanted to cross dress. She knew I had in the past. At first, she seemed ok with it. She even gave me a dress of hers, helped me with make up and we went clothes shopping together. But now, she’s going through everything you described. She is experiencing all of those feelings you wrote about. We tried to discuss it but it turned into a huge argument today. She is convinced that I am gay (I’m not) or I want to BE a woman (I don’t). She threw some jewelry… Read more »
Thank you for this article and your others. It helps to gain perspective of what has been going on in my own brain. I’m a genetic female with a husband I adore, who has recently expressed his desire to CD. The other night he dressed for me, all except make up. I love him and want to be supportive in every way possible. I’m just trying to understand or I guess better put get used to seeing him this way. You are correct, this is the same person that I fell in love with and married. He assures me, it’s… Read more »
Hi Jen! I’m not sure that I have any advice for you, as I’ve been trying to understand it myself for the better part of a decade. The biggest issue I’m having is being attracted to my husband. When I do see him dressed up I get so angry, and it takes me a long time to “recover" and have our sex life return to normal. I love him dearly, and try to be supportive but I’m having such a hard time with it. I’m curious how you feel about it?
Stephanie,
May I ask a question? Why do you get angry when you see him dressed? No judgement here, just trying to see the other side. That’s the last thing a CD wants to do is make his wife mad or, at least, that’s what I think anyway. I think I have an idea but would really appreciate your perspective as one female’s viewpoint.
Jen,
I think it’s part of the whole idea of being female and understanding what that’s like being on the other side from a sexual perspective. Just my 2 cents.