I’ve been trying to formulate this article for awhile now. It’s not easy when you have a blank screen in front of you. What do I want to say; do I want to pass on some wisdom from what I have learned—I don’t know. What you take from my story is up to you; this is how I found Erin.
I was always a sensitive child, more so than my brother and my peers. Growing up, it always felt like a weakness. It made me prone to bullying. Living in a small village in the hills of Somerset before the internet, my existence was a lonely one. I only had one or two friends here and there.
Around the age of eleven, I started getting the urge to try on women’s clothing when my mum was out long enough for me to have a chance to do so. I’d try on the odd item out of her wardrobe. But very quickly, I felt the shame that I’m sure most of us have felt. I’d let it pass, and I started to work out in my mind that I was something other than straight.
Then the dark times came. My world fell apart; all I knew to be safe disappeared as I was lost in myself, traveling the southwest and looking for meaning. All the time, I was suppressing my feminine side, my sensitive side with drugs and alcohol.
When I turned 24, I met Maxie (Not her real name) and we slowly fell in love. It changed my life for the better. Together, we helped me come to terms with the notion that I’m bisexual. Maxie gave me the freedom to explore this new-found revelation and the strength to confront and overcome my past.
Two years ago, I had the Scare of my life. Nothing that I had been through would prepare me for it. I was lying in bed after just moving into our house. Half-awake, I coughed and my lung collapsed. This was the first time that meeting Death was a distinct possibility. I survived the surgery to reinflate my lung.
During the extensive time it took me to heal, it gave me time to think about who I am and my relationship with my feminine side. Why I have the urge to crossdress and the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep her at bay. I gave it some thought, trying to get it straight, figure out what it was all about; I still am. Last summer, I bit the bullet and told Maxie about this side of me. She was surprisingly supportive. And from that sharing, Erin began to become more than an urge to be suppressed. She is a part of me. In our unity, we are stronger as a whole.
Thank you for reading my mad ramblings; I don’t know if there is any meaning to my story or if there is something for you to find comfort with. If anything, I guess I’m saying as a dear friend once said,” You be you! To damn what the world thinks as long as you’re happy.”
Love and light,
Tags: acceptance crossdressing relationship Gender Identity