I’ve been trying to formulate this article for awhile now.  It’s not easy when you have a blank screen in front of you.  What do I want to say; do I want to pass on some wisdom from what I have learned—I don’t know.  What you take from my story is up to you; this is how I found Erin.

I was always a sensitive child, more so than my brother and my peers.  Growing up, it always felt like a weakness.  It made me prone to bullying. Living in a small village in the hills of Somerset before the internet, my existence was a lonely one. I only had one or two friends here and there.

Around the age of eleven, I started getting the urge to try on women’s clothing when my mum was out long enough for me to have a chance to do so. I’d try on the odd item out of her wardrobe.  But very quickly, I felt the shame that I’m sure most of us have felt. I’d let it pass, and I started to work out in my mind that I was something other than straight.

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Then the dark times came.  My world fell apart; all I knew to be safe disappeared as I was lost in myself, traveling the southwest and looking for meaning. All the time, I was suppressing my feminine side, my sensitive side with drugs and alcohol.

When I turned 24, I met Maxie (Not her real name) and we slowly fell in love. It changed my life for the better.  Together, we helped me come to terms with the notion that I’m bisexual. Maxie gave me the freedom to explore this new-found revelation and the strength to confront and overcome my past.

Two years ago, I had the Scare of my life.  Nothing that I had been through would prepare me for it.  I was lying in bed after just moving into our house.  Half-awake, I coughed and my lung collapsed.  This was the first time that meeting Death was a distinct possibility. I survived the surgery to reinflate my lung.

During the extensive time it took me to heal, it gave me time to think about who I am and my relationship with my feminine side. Why I have the urge to crossdress and the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep her at bay. I gave it some thought, trying to get it straight, figure out what it was all about; I still am. Last summer, I bit the bullet and told Maxie about this side of me. She was surprisingly supportive. And from that sharing, Erin began to become more than an urge to be suppressed. She is a part of me. In our unity, we are stronger as a whole.

Thank you for reading my mad ramblings; I don’t know if there is any meaning to my story or if there is something for you to find comfort with. If anything, I guess I’m saying as a dear friend once said,” You be you!  To damn what the world thinks as long as you’re happy.”

Love and light,

Erin

 

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8 Comments
  1. Bettylou Cox 1 month ago

    Erin,
    Confronting the truth of our mortality is something we must all face, sooner or later; and you found (as I did, also) that it changes your outlook and gives you the courage to do things you would never have dared do previously. And now that that issue is “out of the way”, you should find yourself living life to the fullest, and worry-free about that topic. At least, I certainly hope so. The “good” news is that spontaneous pneumothorax is rarely fatal unless left untreated, and many cases heal themselves. Painful, though. In the end, you benefited from the experience. Good for you, girl!
    Hugs,
    Bettylou

    • Author
      Erin Tewfik 1 month ago

      What you say is very true. I have known many who have faced their own mortality including family members and the idea of not being sent one or two of them irrevocably maddend.
      It is a painful process but in my experience it was getting home tl the ones that I love that kept me strong through the harder times

  2. Paula1 1 month ago

    Hi Erin and thank you for sharing

  3. Gerella Enigma 1 month ago

    Erin,
    Your story evidences a remarkable degree of courage that should be readily apparent to any girl who reads it. You are obviously well on your way to finding the truth that we all seek.
    Gerella

    • Author
      Erin Tewfik 1 month ago

      Thank you. Your kind words mean allot.
      Were all on this path one way or another I’m thankful for your support

  4. Emily 1 month ago

    Your story is far more than mad ramblings. It is a revelation on becoming who you were created be. So happy for you that your SO is supportive. I only dream of being able to openly discuss things about Emily with my wife without fear of rejection. We have reached a firm “don’t ask, don’t tell” position. Perhaps some day things will change, but for now, I keep the peace as best I can.
    Enjoy the journey of discovery!

  5. Erin,
    I think you had some common experiences as many of us. I never had many close fiends growing up-paralyzing shyness plus hiding the Cyn within me made me extremely reticent about opening up and becoming vulnerable. I wrote about that a while back that it was much like the Simon and Garfunkel song ” I am a rock”. The lyrics that jump out were “Hiding in my room,safe within my womb, I touch no one and no one touches me” and the final line “And a rock feels no pain..and an island never cries”. but those words which so many live by at least at times couldn’t be farther from the truth. And here at CDH I finally allowed myself to open up back in 2015 when I joined and the love and support I’ve both given and received have made me immeasurably happier. Thank you for a wonderful article!
    Cyn
    PS When I write, I just wait til my muse puts a thought or idea in my head, then just let it low like a stream of consciousness onto paper-then later correcting the grammar or syntax as needed. But the content just flows from the head, the heart and the soul.

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