When I`m relaxed, what do I want to do?

Now (Jordan) has a different style to my other persona’s, taste. Is this natural, or is it having a “split personality?” The answer is; I’m not sure.

So which is the real me? We have a vast difference in musical taste, and there’s the question of our opinions regarding TV and film. Yet again, my childhood memories hold more favorite ones with my male persona than those of Jordan. The answer, I believe, is that I keep those hidden more than my actually dressing. So why am I hiding what I like to watch, what I listen to when at home? Is this the last bastion of Jordan trying to take over completely?

Is the mind the final realization of “Finally” coming out? Are we, as Winston Churchill once said, “Now this is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning”. So this must be where we start to make up, pardon the pun, our “new personality” likes and dislikes, interests, etc. Before we start accepting her likes as “being the norm,” do we lose our male interests. Would we no longer like to watch sports and lounge around drinking beer? Do we instead like going out “clubbing,” going for Coffee, etc.

When I’m asked, “pub or cinema” Jordan screams “cinema” in my head. I also hear “male me” counter with “PUB”. Now, which set of friends has the most influence now? Mates drinking beer, ogling the girls, or is it the desire to be one of the girls and ogled at? Is it going to a cinema to watch a film and then afterwards heading to a “friendly” bar to discuss the film over a drink or two with something to eat? Before you head home, you lock the doors, turn the lights down low, and put on a romantic comedy. You cuddled up on the sofa with your partner, sharing some wine before heading to bed and having a fantastic night out as Jordan.

Which one wins? Hey, Jordan screams the loudest, knowing it`s what appeals to your more dominant side. Yep, going the pub no longer holds a merest thought now. Going to the Cinema, drinks, and a meal with the gurls wins out. They know the real you now; you’re Jordan to them. No longer the male persona you once were. You see, one choice made and you’re halfway down the line to the “start of the end”.

Exceptional Voice

Looking at another example of what you like doing, say sporting events or shopping. The option arises where you can spend 4 hours going to the footy game. Male persona screams, “BRING IT ON,” Jordan responds with, “CLOTHES SHOPPING.”

So do I want to go have a beer, see a live game, and hang with my “old friends,” or listen to the voice that wants to go shopping, which immediately has me thinking of cute bras and panties. Hmmm… the gorgeous skirts to look for where the only argument is whether it suits me or if a different colour would be better.

The lure of shops full of clothes you could buy, the fun in working out your “style”, the excitement in observing how women walk, flirt, engage, etc. Taking mental notes of their make-up, the clothing the girl’s are wearing, and wondering if it would look good on me. Could I pull off a similar hairstyle? All the time walking around, we take in more than we think. Take a walk around any shopping centre and you`ll be drawn to the shop fronts, the clothes, the lure of seeing more inside.

“How was the game,” will be the first question asked when you get home. The usual answer is given, “we won, not sure how. I can`t really remember than last 15 minutes or so.” So which to chose, going out and having fun buying clothes, or going to a match and having a “hangover” for a breakfast present.

Is there anything else to compare my two sides? What about TV likes, parties, or places to go on holiday?

Is it possible that we now are even thinking, and taking the female’s persona as our “memory bank.” Archive the previous back up, and download with the updated and current settings. The answer has to lay where it might be the most painful, and possibly the hardest place to find, in you, us, me, and I.

That’s where the decision is made, we think (possibly) and get emotional (obviously) when we realize what the dream actually was. To be comfortable on who you want to be as you grow and age. Doing what makes you happier, choosing between the male life or Jordan’s life? Where’s the most fun? Is it the pub or going to the cinema and shopping? Consider those as examples, and then yes, the answer of who I’ve listened to influence me is Jordan.

I started this journey, and I need to see what the ending looks like. Do I learn all the female likes and let her unravel herself? Let the world see the real Jordan, the one she wanted to be from the year she first remembers. Now that the exterior has been completed, it’s time for the inner-side of Jordan to come out.

When the real Jordan is totally relaxed at home, doing what she wants, then yes, I want to do what Jordan wants to do? I want to dress, go shopping, watch movies, and hang out with other gurls. That’s my preference;, I want the world to see Jordan’s likes and dislikes. That’s the ultimate goal, to have social acceptance, and to embrace the, “ending of the start has come upon us; we are now at the start of the ending.”

We know we are relaxed, because Jordan screamed the loudest, “LET ME OUT.” We face the nerve-wracking “coming out”. What thought do we give to the characteristics of who we are inside? Do we consider the alternatives, or just let them take over automatically? We’ve unlocked an old memory and our oldest friend has been let out. So yes, I want to do what Jordan does, because Jordan is who I am now.


More Articles by Jordan Runyard

View all articles by Jordan Runyard
The following two tabs change content below.

Jordan Runyard

Started my cd journey at about 12 yrs old, but wasn't able to pursue properly. Fast forward 20 odd years and another short opportunity arose. From then the feelings of wearing female clothes took hold. Still haven't told family & friends, due to religion and where we live. Wife is supportive, and helps. I still need to get the courage to go past the front gate as Jordan.

Latest posts by Jordan Runyard (see all)

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Fiona-Ann Moss
Active Member
2 years ago

Hi Jordan. This story for me is very close to my heart. You have explained everything with examples, something I had difficulty doing, because fiona and me are worlds apart! I have struggled with the concept of being two separate people in one body and mind! this story has proved to me, I am not alone and I certainly am not going mad! it has brought great comfort to me Jordan and I thank you dearly for that 🙂 Fiona is very outgoing and has a rather immature view on life, me as a male, well, I look at things… Read more »

Miranda Lebel
Miranda Lebel
2 years ago

Hi Jordan,

Since dressing is very new to me (just about 3 months), I have this thought process fairly often. I’m beginning to some feelings/likes align while other are fairly opposite. I see some of this as socialized behaviors that one adopts to fit in. I have always been someone who fought conformity and didn’t really find a common ground with my peers until university.

This article was thought provoking and reassuring.



Gabriela Romani' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Active Member
Gabriela Romani
2 years ago

Hi Jordan. I really liked your article. I think that for many of us the journey to self acceptance may look like a graphic representation of a sound wave. Most of the early years in our life our personality was mostly very much on the masculine sidd of the graph, either because we didn’t have idea of any “feminine component” in our lives, or because we were aware or least suspected of it and were trying to cover it with manly activities. At some point that feminine “side” was like a bubble bursting and we bounced to that side and… Read more »

Laura Lovett
Laura Lovett
2 years ago

Hi Jordan, congratulations on a lovely, insightful article! It’s only been in the last year or so that I’ve fully appreciated the two distinct sides of myself, and how much cross dressing brings out the feminine side. I think that the artistic creation of a feminine image allows deeper reflection on the personality. Once the dressing aspect has been accepted, and is no longer hidden, thought processes that we also hide due to being “too feminine for a man” become more apparent and acceptable while dressed. I’m no psychologist, but dressing is more than the clothes – it runs deeper… Read more »

Michelle Liefde
Active Member
2 years ago

Hi Jordan, thanks for the article! It made me think if there is a difference between Michelle and male mode. Turns out that both still love the same types of things, good conversations, lovely evenings snuggling watching romantic movies, beer. But do notice slight changes such as wanting to actually go out dancing someday or having a GNO with cocktails, sadly cannot drink wine, and chatting about clothes, makeup, etc. So again thank you for the insight and giving me something to reflect upon. It is most appreciated.


skippy1965 Cynthia
Trusted Member
2 years ago

Interesting article Jordan! I don’t think my Cyn personality has to give up all the things my male side likes. Cyn loves college football and trivia just as much as the male I was born as does. There are some differences-male mode me doesn’t dance but Cyn loves to. I think true “success” is integrating both sides of yourself into a coherent person without having to stick to ANY preconceived gender roles! Thanks for sharing a thought provoking article!

Olivia Livin
Active Member
2 years ago

Hi Jordan, I have thought about the differences from time to time and your magnificant article made me reflect on it extensively once again. It appears that even though I have only had the urge to dress more femme for a relatively short time, Olivia may have had a very large influence on my inner-side for many years previous. Things, choices and thought processes in my life that i considered to be just different from most males could easily have been by her will. This would help explain why I have had so little trouble merging the two mental and… Read more »

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account