When I`m relaxed, what do I want to do?
Now (Jordan) has a different style to my other persona’s, taste. Is this natural, or is it having a “split personality?” The answer is; I’m not sure.
So which is the real me? We have a vast difference in musical taste, and there’s the question of our opinions regarding TV and film. Yet again, my childhood memories hold more favorite ones with my male persona than those of Jordan. The answer, I believe, is that I keep those hidden more than my actually dressing. So why am I hiding what I like to watch, what I listen to when at home? Is this the last bastion of Jordan trying to take over completely?
Is the mind the final realization of “Finally” coming out? Are we, as Winston Churchill once said, “Now this is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning”. So this must be where we start to make up, pardon the pun, our “new personality” likes and dislikes, interests, etc. Before we start accepting her likes as “being the norm,” do we lose our male interests. Would we no longer like to watch sports and lounge around drinking beer? Do we instead like going out “clubbing,” going for Coffee, etc.
When I’m asked, “pub or cinema” Jordan screams “cinema” in my head. I also hear “male me” counter with “PUB”. Now, which set of friends has the most influence now? Mates drinking beer, ogling the girls, or is it the desire to be one of the girls and ogled at? Is it going to a cinema to watch a film and then afterwards heading to a “friendly” bar to discuss the film over a drink or two with something to eat? Before you head home, you lock the doors, turn the lights down low, and put on a romantic comedy. You cuddled up on the sofa with your partner, sharing some wine before heading to bed and having a fantastic night out as Jordan.
Which one wins? Hey, Jordan screams the loudest, knowing it`s what appeals to your more dominant side. Yep, going the pub no longer holds a merest thought now. Going to the Cinema, drinks, and a meal with the gurls wins out. They know the real you now; you’re Jordan to them. No longer the male persona you once were. You see, one choice made and you’re halfway down the line to the “start of the end”.
Looking at another example of what you like doing, say sporting events or shopping. The option arises where you can spend 4 hours going to the footy game. Male persona screams, “BRING IT ON,” Jordan responds with, “CLOTHES SHOPPING.”
So do I want to go have a beer, see a live game, and hang with my “old friends,” or listen to the voice that wants to go shopping, which immediately has me thinking of cute bras and panties. Hmmm… the gorgeous skirts to look for where the only argument is whether it suits me or if a different colour would be better.
The lure of shops full of clothes you could buy, the fun in working out your “style”, the excitement in observing how women walk, flirt, engage, etc. Taking mental notes of their make-up, the clothing the girl’s are wearing, and wondering if it would look good on me. Could I pull off a similar hairstyle? All the time walking around, we take in more than we think. Take a walk around any shopping centre and you`ll be drawn to the shop fronts, the clothes, the lure of seeing more inside.
“How was the game,” will be the first question asked when you get home. The usual answer is given, “we won, not sure how. I can`t really remember than last 15 minutes or so.” So which to chose, going out and having fun buying clothes, or going to a match and having a “hangover” for a breakfast present.
Is there anything else to compare my two sides? What about TV likes, parties, or places to go on holiday?
Is it possible that we now are even thinking, and taking the female’s persona as our “memory bank.” Archive the previous back up, and download with the updated and current settings. The answer has to lay where it might be the most painful, and possibly the hardest place to find, in you, us, me, and I.
That’s where the decision is made, we think (possibly) and get emotional (obviously) when we realize what the dream actually was. To be comfortable on who you want to be as you grow and age. Doing what makes you happier, choosing between the male life or Jordan’s life? Where’s the most fun? Is it the pub or going to the cinema and shopping? Consider those as examples, and then yes, the answer of who I’ve listened to influence me is Jordan.
I started this journey, and I need to see what the ending looks like. Do I learn all the female likes and let her unravel herself? Let the world see the real Jordan, the one she wanted to be from the year she first remembers. Now that the exterior has been completed, it’s time for the inner-side of Jordan to come out.
When the real Jordan is totally relaxed at home, doing what she wants, then yes, I want to do what Jordan wants to do? I want to dress, go shopping, watch movies, and hang out with other gurls. That’s my preference;, I want the world to see Jordan’s likes and dislikes. That’s the ultimate goal, to have social acceptance, and to embrace the, “ending of the start has come upon us; we are now at the start of the ending.”
We know we are relaxed, because Jordan screamed the loudest, “LET ME OUT.” We face the nerve-wracking “coming out”. What thought do we give to the characteristics of who we are inside? Do we consider the alternatives, or just let them take over automatically? We’ve unlocked an old memory and our oldest friend has been let out. So yes, I want to do what Jordan does, because Jordan is who I am now.
Tags: accepting yourself coming out Gender Identity