The phrase “On the Horns of a Dilemma” comes to mind this morning. That is how I feel at times, and carefully evaluating the pros and cons of either action can be useful, but in the end even armed with a logical assessment, it can be agonizing making a decision. To put this in perspective, I’m sometimes torn over whether to tell people about my hobby/fetish. The hobby I’m talking bout is, of course, crossdressing.
I read an article recently by a crossdresser who went out of his/her way to tell family members that he was fond of crossdressing. Trying to get in front of this is not that easy. It makes me wonder, why tell someone who doesn’t need to know? The wife needs to know, I get that, and she should be told. A woman you are getting romantically involved with should be told up front, too. That I support. Then she can make her decision as to whether she wants to pursue the relationship. I’ve written about this elsewhere.
If y’all want to tell people close to you, it still may be a crap shoot. What if they are secretly hostile to crossdressers, but just polite enough not to make remarks about what they believe? In our society, most people are generally civil and polite to each other (although I believe this is actually in decline). But that said, you don’t really know what they are thinking, so why tell them? Even if you want to tell your mother and father, their reaction could go either way – unless you really do know otherwise. If you are not planning to visit them while en femme, then why do you want to tell them?
It is wonderful to be open with people, as in “I’ve got nothing to hide”. But if you go around telling everyone you are a crossdresser, you will eventually get into trouble with someone, as we know this is still controversial with some people. Also when you are out and about en femme, few people at the supermarket are bothering to ID you, much less develop a posture to take you down if you get “made”. People in our club have been at events where relatives (a brother, for example) sees them en femme but does not recognize them. The long hair, and particularly makeup, goes a long way in camouflaging your male self. I used to go out sans makeup and now I wonder why I did. Ditto on pantyhose here, it is well worth it to take the time to put them on. It brings a strong female influence, and most guys’ faces (and legs) look totally washed out without it. And if you are like me, you want to bring some colour to your face to compliment all the colours you are wearing on your body. If you see a well made-up actress without her makeup sometime, you will see what I mean.
A further word on pantyhose, which I personally love. Sure it takes a little bit of finagling to get them on, but it is worth it. When I compared some of my own pics with and without pantyhose, there is no comparison. Even if you use nude shades, they will make you look much, much better. And you will get noticed in public, but in a good way.
My wife is OK with me crossdressing, but she is nervous about our neighbours seeing me crossdressed if I go to the car in the front street. So I always leave from the garage, so no sweat. Personally, I don’t care if they see me dressed up, but to keep peace in the family, I acquiesce to her demand. If a neighbour sees me getting into our car, I would simply say “Oh yes, that was my sister visiting from Germany. Yes, she is quite tall” Ha ha. They do not need to know the truth, do they? In the end, they can believe whatever they want to. “Was he telling the truth? It kinda looked like him dressed as a woman. I wonder.” Why not let them enjoy the guessing game?
So, going back to my title “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, there is no need to tell other people, even some that are close to you. I wouldn’t ever have told my dear, departed mother and I’m not going to tell my sister (who doesn’t live in Germany). We have had club members stopped by the local police (not for infractions but more like a wellness check) and they have been careful not to belittle or otherwise make our member uncomfortable. Same for me going into local Liquor Marts, where everybody must now show picture ID. Obviously, mine shows me as a guy. I’ve done it three times now en femme without any trouble.
Having said all this, I can now say that “our sisterhood” is a precious one. In our crossdressing club ‘Masquerade’, we discuss just about anything (ok, not much about sex) that our girls want to talk about. And our conversation is usually pretty free and easy. Why? Because we accept each other as sisters without any of the reservations which you would find amongst some others. It would be like going to the recent and annual Keystone Conference in the USA. There we are all sisters. Outside, be careful, and consider a policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, unless you are sure of your audience.
With love,
Fatima
More Articles by Fatima Abrams-Cohen
- Do You Like to be Noticed?
- The Feminine Spectrum
- A Cross-Dressing Club
- Crossdressing Through the Ages
- Skirts, Dresses, and Purses
Latest posts by Fatima Abrams-Cohen (see all)
- Do You Like to be Noticed? - May 8, 2025
- Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell - May 3, 2025
- The Feminine Spectrum - April 13, 2025
- A Cross-Dressing Club - March 9, 2025
- Crossdressing Through the Ages - February 25, 2025
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Fatima, I tend to agree with your assertion that not everyone needs to know everything about our lives. I believe that we are all multi-faceted. And like the metaphorical diamond that represents, people only see the facets brilliance from their perspective location. There are people that know, and don’t care. And there are people that would care a lot and don’t know. And, of course, there are the many who are between those extremes. I tend towards the DADT side of the spectrum. I’m not trying to make a statement. I just want to live a life.
I was discovered by my wife when she came home early from a business trip a day early and there it was, since I had not expected her, I had not hidden my stash. Fortunately, unlike happens all too often, my wife decided that she didn’t want to “break in another one" or throw away over 20 years together and decided that I could dress, but only in the privacy of our home. This worked for us for around 30 years, until her passing. Then, now widowed and retired, I no longer had any restraints except my own fears, and… Read more »
I think there is value in being open about these things, so long as it doesn’t present any danger. There’s a lot of misconceptions and fearmongering about cross-dressers and trans people out there, and the best way to counter it is by being out and open and showing the world that we’re not the monsters others paint us as (this is the logic behind Pride events). So I think that if it’s possible to come out to friends/family in a positive and safe way, we should at least consider it.
Thank you for your thoughtful article, Fatima. It resonated with me. My wife has known over 30 years; she understands but her boundary is she doesn’t want to see me dressed. Fair enough; she never wants to ride on the back of my motorcycle either, but I appreciate her sticking with me and we have a good relationship. Not respecting her boundary would not end well. I have not come out to extended family. As she and I discussed she mentioned various family members whose political and religious views make them hostile to CD and TG people. She feels the… Read more »
Hi Fatima. I enjoyed your article very much. Reminds me to be careful on who I might reveal too especially now feeling increased confidence in my interest/hobby since I came out to my wife. I did spend some time recently out in the rear garden it’s relatively secluded so think i was not spotted but if neighbours do say like you i might say she was a friend visiting😘. I wholly agree with you on covering the legs look so much better be it pantyhose or stockings❤️Stephanie B
Great article, you make a good point that resonates with me somewhat. I have only one sibling, an older sister. She had to know something was going on while we were growing up from the times I borrowed her clothes. I would like her to know I am still dressing after all these years, but I am afraid of her telling the rest of the family about it.
I suppose it’s not who we tell, but who they tell we should worry about.
Jules
I agree that we do need careful about who we confide in, work and family can get toxic over much simpler things than crossdressing Like you my wife worries about these things more than I do but it is a legitimate concern. I also very much appreciated you pointing out that this sisterhood doesn’t talk all about sex, thank you all because I appreciate that very much. What drew me in to use this place to share is when I was reading forums they did not focus on the sex, or the bdsm or other things that are not always… Read more »