Hi ladies

I wanted to share a brief history of where I was and where I’m going.

My journey started around age five, I spent a lot of time with my female cousin. We would always play dress up. I loved it; the joy of being able to try on all her amazing clothes. This went on until I was eight and we moved overseas. I stopped for a while, and then I met one of my cousins in Finland. She and I were about the same age, and I started to dress up again. I was in heaven for a short time. My family continued to travel for another year before coming back home to Australia. The dressing stopped as my parents were having issues. I ended up moving to Tasmania with Mum and my two older brothers; they didn’t know about my dressing. I would go through mum’s makeup and nail polish and experiment with them. I was always happiest when doing this; I love colour.

We moved back to Victoria after two years, and I was really depressed. I started to take some of mum’s clothes. I took her underwear, stockings, and when I could, her dresses. It helped me to feel normal for a short time, before the shame kicked in.

As I got older, I started to buy my own clothes, only to purge them and then buy them again. This went on for years. I meet the love of my life; this was my final purge, or so I thought. We had three amazing children; all was going good, and then bang, I had the need to dress. The trigger was my two older brothers, one had cancer, and the other had an addiction problem. The brother with the drug problem had an overdose, and ten days latter my other brother passed away from his cancer. I was lost; I needed something to comfort me. Without even knowing why, I went to an Opshop (thrift shop). I was drawn to the ladies section where I purchased a body suit. I felt alive for a while, and then the shame kicked back in.

I purchased a few more items, keeping them hid away and secret for a few years. One day, I came home to find my wife with my undergarments. At first she thought I was having an affair, but she soon realized they wear mine. We spoke for hours, lots of crying on both sides and lots of hugs. I did research over the next few weeks and printed some valuable literature for my wife to read. I was suffering from gender dysphoria, so I found a therapist to see. The therapist was great; we worked on so many things.

Life was great…until. My wife felt she needed to talk to someone. She isn’t the best at keeping things to herself. Before I knew it, her inner-circle of friends has been made aware of my situation. This totally stressed me out at first. I didn’t know it at the time, but they are all fantastic.

This led to the next chapter in my life. I now have a full wardrobe of beautiful clothes and undergarments. I under-dress every day and wear makeup most days. Life is great, but I want to tell my Mum, but how? And do I tell my half sister, whom I only meet when I was 18.

Then bang, the latest tragedy hits my life. My mum has a heart attack and passes away quite suddenly. It has been a year since she passed, and a year of contemplating what would have been if I’d come out to her. I wonder if she knew my secret anyway, as most mothers would. I’ve been dressing for as long as I can remember, and surely my mum would have gone through my room when I lived at home. I always had my (not so hidden) female clothes, and I loved dressing up as a child at my cousin’s house…she probably noticed. This past year has been tough. I haven’t had the chance to fully dress due to family reasons. I would love to come out to the world, but I don’t know how my three children would cope. I guess it would be safe to say, “If you think you are in a safe place, then let everyone know and you will feel better.”

The cover picture is my Mum XX

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Paula1

Hi Ladies well I am MTF, my wife found out about four years ago, it has taken time for things to settle down. I have been dressing since I was five with my cousin, It just felt normal then. I first got dressed in public when I was sixteen, we were on a family cruse and I got the girls inn the cabin to loan me an out fit. the only problem was that I passed to well hence did not win the best fancy dressed I love my fem side and love my wife

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Paula1Christine VNayomiMarie SweetsAmbermaria Martinez Recent comment authors
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fiona moss
Ambassador
Active Member

hi paula. oh my, you have had a very hard time haven’t you? lovely story though and I hope your cross dressing journey gets back on track very soon. regarding the shame, I suppose that’s quite normal because so many things are going on, for many, hiding in the closet causes it or simply wearing femme clothes because society keeps telling us its wrong. is your wife fully accepting of the situation or just going along with it to make you happy? either way at least its a positive 🙂 . finally, I too am in the same situation regarding… Read more »

Lucinda Hawkns
Lady
Active Member

hello and sorry to hear about your mom passing away before you can try to let her know about your x dressing, i have been x dressing for many years, i started with a pair of tight in a school play i was hooked. i wanted to try on more female cloths. i did not have my own and did not have a sister. i tried on my grandmothers dresses, x dressing stopped for years. then got married, seen all the dresses my wife had i needed to try on when she was not home. then later in years we… Read more »

*skippy1965(Cynthia)
Ambassador
Active Member

Lovely article Paula-thanks for sharing. I can relate to the losses- I too lost my mom and both my brothers in less than a year’s time AND nearly lost my son, my daughter , and my ex wife in the same period! (See my counseling article for the details). Still figuring out my path but enjoying the journey!
Cyn

Angelina123 Kaushik
Lady

Dearest friend,so many happened in your family,It’s said but if your kids understand your enterning feeling regarding crossing I think they will understand and you continue your cross dressing as my kids adjust me they said Papa we understood because they read enough regarding cross dressing so I am doing cross dressing when I am alone at home.

Dame Veronica Graunwolf
Member
Active Member

Hi Paula……you have had quite the time of it. I am very sorry that you lost your Mum….it’sounds like you 2 were very close. Paula….it is time for you to move on. You have a great wife. I think you’ll find you kids more than understanding. They teach sex issues in schools these days and most of the younger generation is very accepting of differences in people. I wish you good luck and happiness. Feel free to contact me anytime to chat or to seek assistance with any issues. I look forward to hearing more about you…….till then…. Hugs and… Read more »

Karen Wood
Guest
Karen Wood

Hi Paula thank you for sharing your story, I relate to your experiences.
love to exchange thoughts, feelings & experiences in private messages…..Karen

Ambermaria Martinez
Duchess
Member

Oh Paula you said the right words I myself dont regret ANYTHING about how I love BEING and how I feel inside if my me I definitely feel I was SUPPOSED to be women at birth never really felt masculine ALWAYS FEMININE today I’m ready to FINALLY TRANSTION TO THE WOMAN I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. ABD A BEAUTIFUL MOTHER WHO SUPPORTS MY DECISION TO GO FORWARD TO BE WOMEN. SHE SAID I AM A WOMAN TRAPPED IN WRONG BODY

Marie Sweets
Lady

Hello Paula, thank you for sharing your story. Having positive support really helps one to be positive. You will find much support here at CDH. Take care.
Marie.

Nayomi
Guest
Nayomi

So often we start our journeys in a hidden place, away from prying eyes, fearful of discovery. I am so happy that you had the courage to share and ultimately discovered joy. It is most unfortunate about your mother as I believe she would have pulled you ever so tightly into her grip and softly whispered in your ear wonderful words of love and acceptance of who you are.

Chin up love.
Nayomi

Christine V
Lady
Member

Youre a beautiful woman, Paula!

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