Ellie’s Story

My earliest recollection of wearing women’s clothing was when I was a young child of 5 or 6. My family was on vacation in Minnesota vising my Aunts, Uncle, cousins and others. I got into my mom’s suitcase and put on a bra and girdle then paraded around in the living room in front of 30 relatives. They all thought it was cute and laughed. I enjoyed the attention, but also remember feeling JOY being dressed that way.

My cross dressing continued with trying on nylon stockings from the drying rack in the bathroom. I loved the feeling of how the air flowed across the stockings and an excitement inside of me. It was a feeling of completeness like the last piece of the puzzle. But I also felt tremendous guilt and shame because I had a belief that what I was doing was wrong. Boys were supposed to be boys and not have feminine feelings and desires. However, that did not stop me, and I continued to dress.

When I was young, I prayed to God every night to change me into a girl and was always disappointed in the morning. I felt abandoned by God and believed I was irreversibly flawed.

Looking back over my life, I sadly recall being miserable most of the time unless I was dressing. I did not have a girlfriend or attend homecoming, prom, or other social activities and turned to alcohol and drugs for relief. I was 15 when I got drunk for the first time. Consumed nearly a fifth of vodka, drove in a black out and wrecked my mom’s car. I woke up the next morning with a terrible hangover and could not wait to get drunk again. This started 16 years of hard drinking and drug use to treat my gender dysphoria.

En Femme Discover Woman Within

When I married my college sweetheart in 1980 I was a full-blown alcoholic and addict. In March 1983, I went to inpatient treatment for alcohol abuse. After treatment I was miserable. I was what they call a dry drunk or stark raving sober. I had been to inpatient treatment 5 times, and still received a citation for driving while intoxicated in 2018.

In the fall of 2017, my wife found a pair of panties in my jeans pocket and freaked out. I admitted they were mine and told her I had been attracted to women’s clothing since I was a young boy. I promised to quit and purged my garments only to start up again in the summer of 2018. I was back in the closet until late December when she caught me again with clothing in the laundry. I know now that is when she started her plan to end our 37 year marriage.

I woke up on January 5th, 2019 after a heavy day and night of drinking and my wife asked me to leave our home. After a few days uncontrolled drinking, I checked into Serenity Lane in an extended stay treatment program. My son visited me the first week of my treatment. He was justifiably angry that I was once again in treatment for alcoholism and said something to me that finally stuck! He said why don’t you find out what the genesis is of why you cannot stay sober? With the help of my counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, members of my group, and my sponsor, I finally got honest about my gender identity.

Visit Transgender Heaven

During this time, my wife did not want any contact and I was losing my mind with fear of losing my marriage and being alienated from my family. My counselor arranged a meeting with her. On February 6th, I read my wife a letter that stated I am transgender and needed to live my truth if I had any chance of staying sober. On February 13th, my wife told at the next family meeting that she had decided she could not be married to a transgender person.

My heart was broken. I was devastated and scared out of my mind. Once I composed myself, I reached out to my AA sponsor, my sister and a few close friends. After 55 days in treatment I was discharged on February 28th. I started my life over again and from February 13th until October 11th, I called the VA suicide hotline five times. I came awfully close to killing myself last year but fortunately I reached out for help and am no longer in danger of self-harm. I also had several health issues last year and ended up in the ER with a kidney stone. They shot me up with massive amounts of opiates that triggered a relapse.

In early September I moved into lovely home and took in a roommate who accepted my dressing as Ellie-Mae. She became concerned with my drinking and on October 10th she confronted me. I told her I would take care of it and am thrilled that I just celebrated 7 months of sobriety on May 11th. I now realized that sometime mid-October that I fully conceded to my innermost self that I am transgender, and I started to heal. I identify as gender fluid; I love presenting as a man but also celebrate my femininity as a woman.

Juyo Vonsan

I am now divorced and alienated from my immediate family; however, I have created a family and a group of friends that love and support me for who I am. I belong to a LGTBQI welcoming church where the pastor and staff have been wonderful. I now realized how much God loves me, I have been generously blessed with mercy and grace throughout this time of my life and I am filled with gratitude.

The past 15 months have not been easy. I have had a difficult time with the unpredictable grief over the loss of my 39-year marriage and alienation from my family. Time has eased the discomfort and I am no longer ashamed of who I am. I am one of God’s kids. I am convinced God brought me through this journey, so I can help other transgendered people like me.

I have so much goodness in my life. I am now starting to understand the word serenity and experience joy in my life again. Today is special day as I am starting my HRT and am so excited to becoming the woman I have always felt like inside. I am starting to experience serenity, peace and joy for the first time in my life and could not have done it without the help of my girlfriends at CDH and TGH.

Thank you for reading my journey,

Ellie-Mae Nelson

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Ellie Mae

EA few weeks ago I decided, with the help of my therapist, that I am a trans person. Could be transexual or transgender, not sure it matters. What does matter is that I have felt like a woman for the better part of sixty years and Ellie Mae is finally living the life that dreams are made of. I want to celebrate my femininity with hair, nail color, shaving my body, wearing a bit of makeup even when drab, wearing women's clothing 100% of the time at home, and panties full time. I love going out with friends (Dawnie and April) dressed up to the 9's and having dinner with The Rose City T-Girls. I also love spending time in the chat room. Sometimes I go there when I'm lonely, sad or happy. You girls saved my life last year when my former wife told me she couldn't be married to a CD/TG person and now I believe it is my responsibility when someone new comes in and asks for help. Being Trans isn't easy but thank God for CDH, where we can support one another in a safe environment. Ellie

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Peggy Sue Williams
Baroness
Trusted Member
Peggy Sue Williams (@catgurl)
28 days ago

Great story, Ellie, and thank you for sharing. As we say in AA, Keep Coming Back!
I am a recovering alcoholic, took my last drink in 1991, gained sobriety in AA, Started my journey to sobriety thanks to the Navy sending me through alcohol rehab, greatest free gift the Navy ever gave me. Realized after many years of sobriety that trying to suppress my female self with guilt feelings probably led to my alcoholism.

Kathryn Lynn
Active Member
Kathryn Lynn (@lorrie_kaye)
28 days ago

I’m so sorry for what you have gone through in your life, Ellie. My heart was breaking and I had tears in my eyes reading your story. But, I am thrilled that you are now on the road to fulfillment and sobriety! All my thoughts and hopes go out to you…I know you will be successful! Thank you for sharing and know that tons and tons of love comes your way!
Hugs and love, Kathryn

Dawnie Saxton
Duchess
Member
Dawnie Saxton (@dawnie)
27 days ago

I am proud to call you my Friend, Ellie. If you ever need anyone to confide to, please don’t hesitate to call me!!

BillieJay
Ambassador
Member
BillieJay (@billiejay)
27 days ago

I love you, Ellie, and I can’t wait to meet you!
thank you so much for sharing your story with us!

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
skippy1965 Cynthia (@skippy1965)
27 days ago

Ellie-thank you for sharing your poignant beautiful life story. The tragedy of it taking so long to accept yourself and living in the shadows is overwhelmed by the peace and serenity you found when you stopped fighting what seemed to have always been there. Congratulations and may you have many golden years to let Ellie shine!
Cyn

Char
Ambassador
Active Member
Char (@charee)
21 days ago

YES!!! hehehe

Bree Heath
Duchess
Active Member
Bree Heath (@midwesterngirl)
26 days ago

Great Job Ellie. I am sure it was hard getting your story written out. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. One day at a time hun.
Thanks for sharing.
Bree

Amy Myers
Baroness
Trusted Member
Amy Myers (@amylove2dress)
26 days ago

Ellie Mae;
Reading through your story almost brought me to tears, but I am so glad to have got to the happy ending, as it were.
Not that’s the end, of course. But you seem to have found yourself at last, unfortunately at the cost of your wife and related family. But now you can be free to be who you’ve always NEEDED to be.
I wish you well on your continued journey, and you have the support of so many here, and elsewhere to make it a success.
Amy

Char
Ambassador
Active Member
Char (@charee)
21 days ago

Namaste’ Ellie
and huggles of course

You got this!
Char

Maryjane Weller
Maryjane Weller (@pinkey)
17 days ago

Yes

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