Hi Everyone! First of all, this is not a rant, but merely how I feel. The feelings have been getting stronger and stronger. No Doubt, many others will feel like this too. I feel like a caged animal! I hear you say “Yes Fiona, I know how you feel.”
I dream of stepping outside, dressed en femme, confident, without a care in the world, and then I come down to earth with a huge bump! I realise that I haven’t got the courage. I then start to feel introverted and unhappy. The more I think about it, the worse the situation becomes. I just know I’ll never get my butt out that darned door!
So why the lack of confidence? Anyone who has read my posts and gotten to know me might think I’m supremely confident. Well, I’m not! I’m more like a shrinking violet! By nature, I’m a timid soul, wouldn’t say boo to a goose! Let me explain….
As I mentioned in an older article, my parents were not very nice. My father was a serial adulterer, out seeing other women and coming home in the early hours of the morning. My mother waiting for him to come home, and then a massive argument ensued. Things were thrown, voices raised, all when I was six years old. I couldn’t sleep at night; I used to hide under the covers shaking, trying to dull the noise a bit.
My teachers were getting concerned as I went to school with black rings around my eyes due to the lack of sleep; I used to fall asleep in class. My mother was particularly violent; she used to beat me with a high heel shoe or even a wooden spoon when she got angry. I remember one time when I broke a flower pot and my mother retaliated by systematically smashing each of my toys in front of me with a hammer.
I was always a quiet member of the class, perhaps too quiet—intensely shy and introverted. I hated being around people, preferring my own company. I developed a big mistrust in people. I was scared, frightened and alone. As if I didn’t have enough to put up with at home, my schooldays were even worse. My first school was an all boys where I was bullied terribly, kicked, beaten, and abused. The teachers weren’t much better, singling me out because of my poor handwriting, which wasn’t my fault. It was the result of a brain injury I received at school, slipping on the ice and knocking myself unconscious.
When I came to, I could not write very well and had trouble talking and understanding others. I wasn’t taken to a hospital because back in the day, the teachers weren’t as aware of the signs and my parents didn’t care. It took me six months to recover, although my handwriting has never got better! The teachers used to cane and slipper me for fun. I went to two other secondary schools, owing to my mother moving around. I had to make new friends each time, and I was bullied severely in each school, though the teachers were ok.
I finally left school at age 16 and went to college to learn electronics; I was there three years, got my qualifications and went to work for my father, who had a radio and TV repair business. We moved the business to Manchester’s infamous Moss Side. I saw many things there; I will not bother mentioning them here as they are too violent in nature. It was the scariest 15 years of my life! I finally left to find alternative work, doing a stint at a local radio station, presenting and dj’ing which is a passion of mine. I left there to work for a hardware store selling work clothes and tools; the boss was mean and I found myself being castigated at every available opportunity, blamed for things I hadn’t done. The workload increased 500% and after four years, I had a complete nervous breakdown. I’ve been at my present job for 11 years and am happy; work is hard, but manageable.
All this has left me with very low self esteem and confidence. I find myself wanting constant reassurance to make sure people are happy with me and I’m doing it right. I’m not a good mixer, but I’m one of the easiest people to get along with. I still prefer my own company, but people on Crossdresser Heaven see another side of me, the side of me that screams to be let out, the chatty, loving side of me that was buried deep inside, but has always been there. I have never hurt anyone in my life; all I ask for is love. It is true to say CDH has given me more confidence to open up to people, something I’ve always battled with all my life. I now have a purpose, to make people happy and to feel loved and wanted. But that is not going outdoors! I need to meet people in the real world; to share my journey and hopefully one day get out of that door and enjoy the great outdoors dressed how I love, as a 16 yr old girl. I am getting stronger, I know it, but there is a long way to go. My three months here can’t be compared to 40+ years of suffering.
Now girls, I hope that I’ve not scared you too much. I am a real person, not a robot; I do have feelings just like everyone else here. I bear no malice to my past; I only have good intentions for everyone here. For once in my life, I am able to express true love and support for everyone without feeling closed-in. This article may seem a bit choppy in places, but some of you will sadly be able to relate to it. I’ve really had my ups and downs, but it is all part of life’s experiences.
Fiona, is my release from it all; she makes things alright for me, gives me hope and security. She allows me to look at life from a more positive perspective, to know there is love out there in this big wide world. It’s not all doom and gloom; it’s about having fun, being able to laugh and find enjoyment. As a man, I am not confident. As Fiona, I am! If I could only step outdoors as Fiona, my world would be complete.
Love and kisses, Fiona xxxx