Hi Everyone! First of all, this is not a rant, but merely how I feel. The feelings have been getting stronger and stronger. No Doubt, many others will feel like this too. I feel like a caged animal! I hear you say “Yes Fiona, I know how you feel.”

I dream of stepping outside, dressed en femme, confident, without a care in the world, and then I come down to earth with a huge bump! I realise that I haven’t got the courage. I then start to feel introverted and unhappy. The more I think about it, the worse the situation becomes. I just know I’ll never get my butt out that darned door!

So why the lack of confidence? Anyone who has read my posts and gotten to know me might think I’m supremely confident. Well, I’m not! I’m more like a shrinking violet! By nature, I’m a timid soul, wouldn’t say boo to a goose! Let me explain….

As I mentioned in an older article, my parents were not very nice. My father was a serial adulterer, out seeing other women and coming home in the early hours of the morning. My mother waiting for him to come home, and then a massive argument ensued. Things were thrown, voices raised, all when I was six years old. I couldn’t sleep at night; I used to hide under the covers shaking, trying to dull the noise a bit.

My teachers were getting concerned as I went to school with black rings around my eyes due to the lack of sleep; I used to fall asleep in class. My mother was particularly violent; she used to beat me with a high heel shoe or even a wooden spoon when she got angry. I remember one time when I broke a flower pot and my mother retaliated by systematically smashing each of my toys in front of me with a hammer.

I was always a quiet member of the class, perhaps too quiet—intensely shy and introverted. I hated being around people, preferring my own company. I developed a big mistrust in people. I was scared, frightened and alone. As if I didn’t have enough to put up with at home, my schooldays were even worse. My first school was an all boys where I was bullied terribly, kicked, beaten, and abused. The teachers weren’t much better, singling me out because of my poor handwriting, which wasn’t my fault. It was the result of a brain injury I received at school, slipping on the ice and knocking myself unconscious.

When I came to, I could not write very well and had trouble talking and understanding others. I wasn’t taken to a hospital because back in the day, the teachers weren’t as aware of the signs and my parents didn’t care. It took me six months to recover, although my handwriting has never got better! The teachers used to cane and slipper me for fun. I went to two other secondary schools, owing to my mother moving around. I had to make new friends each time, and I was bullied severely in each school, though the teachers were ok.

I finally left school at age 16 and went to college to learn electronics; I was there three years, got my qualifications and went to work for my father, who had a radio and TV repair business. We moved the business to Manchester’s infamous Moss Side. I saw many things there; I will not bother mentioning them here as they are too violent in nature. It was the scariest 15 years of my life! I finally left to find alternative work, doing a stint at a local radio station, presenting and dj’ing which is a passion of mine. I left there to work for a hardware store selling work clothes and tools; the boss was mean and I found myself being castigated at every available opportunity, blamed for things I hadn’t done. The workload increased 500% and after four years, I had a complete nervous breakdown. I’ve been at my present job for 11 years and am happy; work is hard, but manageable.

All this has left me with very low self esteem and confidence. I find myself wanting constant reassurance to make sure people are happy with me and I’m doing it right. I’m not a good mixer, but I’m one of the easiest people to get along with. I still prefer my own company, but people on Crossdresser Heaven see another side of me, the side of me that screams to be let out, the chatty, loving side of me that was buried deep inside, but has always been there. I have never hurt anyone in my life; all I ask for is love. It is true to say CDH has given me more confidence to open up to people, something I’ve always battled with all my life. I now have a purpose, to make people happy and to feel loved and wanted. But that is not going outdoors! I need to meet people in the real world; to share my journey and hopefully one day get out of that door and enjoy the great outdoors dressed how I love, as a 16 yr old girl. I am getting stronger, I know it, but there is a long way to go. My three months here can’t be compared to 40+ years of suffering.

Now girls, I hope that I’ve not scared you too much. I am a real person, not a robot; I do have feelings just like everyone else here. I bear no malice to my past; I only have good intentions for everyone here. For once in my life, I am able to express true love and support for everyone without feeling closed-in. This article may seem a bit choppy in places, but some of you will sadly be able to relate to it. I’ve really had my ups and downs, but it is all part of life’s experiences.

Fiona, is my release from it all; she makes things alright for me, gives me hope and security. She allows me to look at life from a more positive perspective, to know there is love out there in this big wide world. It’s not all doom and gloom; it’s about having fun, being able to laugh and find enjoyment. As a man, I am not confident. As Fiona, I am! If I could only step outdoors as Fiona, my world would be complete.

Love and kisses, Fiona xxxx

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27 Comments
  1. eleanor holborn 5 months ago

    Hi Fiona
    Thanks for sharing your story. As I have got to know you I have seen your confidence grow.
    You are a diligent member of the Ambassador team and are great fun. So I am pleased to call you a friend.
    Hugs

    • Author
      fiona moss 5 months ago

      Hi Elly 🙂 i have my ups and downs. I dont mean it, but sometimes things get too much and i have to take a back seat. All this has left me being overly sensitive and hurt very easily. I dont mean it but its like a fight or flight response, however CDH has taught me how to manage these feelings better and the lovely members have taught me that not everyone is bad and out to get you. I openly admit, it must have left me with psychological issues, but is it any suprise? i dared not put the full extent of it in the article as it was too horrific to publish i felt. Now i need to move on and enjoy making others feel special because you all are!

      Fiona xxx

  2. T.J. Byron 5 months ago

    Hey Fiona,
    Would be glad to chat about CDing….
    I am not going to transition…never wanted to ” become ” a woman…love to CD.
    Been CDING from the 1960′ s out in public.
    Love to discuss ” coming out ” with young FOLKS.

    Later T.J.

  3. Steph Di Firenze 5 months ago

    Hi Fiona,
    As many of the responses have already pointed out we all live with our past, be it good, bad or indifferent. The most important choice you have made is to be a better person. That includes being Fiona. You don’t have to go out alone, metaphorically or actually, as there are so many here who share your trepidation (myself included) of being accepted en femme. Hopefully there is at least one other member of CDH near you who can lend you a shoulder for support to physically step out into the world. I don’t doubt the world will seem a little bit brighter for it.

    Hugs,
    Steph

  4. Jessie Corona 4 months ago

    My Dear Fiona,
    You are such an amazing woman sharing your story with us….I cant imagine living my life that long and feeling this way. I’m young and am finding my femininity everyday and the urge to go out dolled up is very strong, I relate to that so much, as I’m sure we all do. In my case, I found the courage to come out. I dress how I want and I suggest you do what feels right. ..and not care about what others think. Find local friends who will accept you and associate with them. Even though my family and the most important people in my life (brothers and parents) won’t approve, it is not their choice to make for me even though i don’t dress around them and have no desire to, so its not a big deal…you can do it anywhere its shockingly easy and freeing and you’ll get compliments even and people giving funny looks. I’ve even found the funny looks make me happy, because that means I’m really looking the way I want LOL. Otherwise I believe you and others like you will continue to be unhappy with the way your living. For the issue if anyone asks and finds out in my family, I’ll simply tell them I always have, you just haven’t known! I am no expert, just hope this helps you!!!

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