When I made the decision eighteen months ago to embrace and explore my femininity, I never imagined how far I would have come in such a short time. When this journey began, I could not even walk outside without jumping out my skin if I saw anything that could be someone watching me. As the weeks slowly became months, my comfort level grew. Today, I think nothing of walking out to the mailbox or working around the yard wearing whatever feels comfortable. I was even served a subpoena while wearing a gingham skirt, tee, and heels. Out of respect for my wife’s feelings and our reputation in the community, I do not dress as feminine me locally. That being said, my public excursions beyond my property have been limited. Besides attending a couple of social events for a local crossdresser / transgendered group where all present were like minded individuals, my only public excursions have been driving to and from Baltimore where the only interaction was maybe a drive thru for lunch. I have avoid full fledged public interaction as feminine me quite actively. Today, however, that changed, and feminine me finally bit the bullet, at least figuratively.
I was relaxing at home wearing a black skirt, pale pink tunic, and my black wedges, trying to stay out of the heat. I had nowhere to go, but I was feeling very feminine so I applied some light make up and donned silk head scarf. It was an all-around great day. I chatted and channel surfed between golf, synchronized swimming, and volleyball. I was content and happy.
As early afternoon became mid afternoon, my wife texted me about dinner – she had a craving for burgers. I would have to go shopping! Our refrigerator and pantry were essentially empty; we had just returned from several weeks on vacation. Given the aforementioned restrictions, this created a dilemma for me as I really did not want to change and remove my makeup. Therefore, I faced a choice – either change or drive several communities over to go grocery shopping. Well, after procrastinating for an hour, I made my decision which as the title implies, was to drive twenty-five minutes away and shop as feminine me.
Throwing my wallet and phone in my purse, I jumped into my truck and set off for the grocery store. It was a generally uneventful ride with two exceptions. While waiting at a red light, I may have been a conversation starter for two young ladies in the vehicle in the next lane. When I glanced over, they were chuckling, smiling, and somewhat pointing in my direction. I allowed my vehicle to roll forward slightly, and they immediately followed suit. Not wanting my nerves to get the better of me, I elected to move into the open right turn lane, and use an alternate route. The other exception was at the McDonald’s drive thru. I craved a snack. The team members at the drive thru window were starring without making any comment. Accepting my order, I thanked the two young team members, and continued on my journey. My previous drive thru experiences were much different; they were more of the ordinary variety. In those experiences, the team members acted no different than I have observed as masculine me. Of course, in hindsight, I recognize that I was so nervous that I was probably more sensitive than usual to my surroundings and reading meaning where none existed.
Arriving at the grocery store, I touched up my lipstick which had been removed by my burger and sweet tea. Stepping out of my truck, I grabbed a cart, threw my purse in, and forced myself to walk at normal pace toward the front door. My nerves were present as expected, which required me to force myself repeatedly to slow down. I must have walked up and down several aisles multiple times to calm my nerves. It was not the most efficient shopping trip, and I almost forgot the most important ingredients for burgers, ground beef. I also almost lost my nerve when it came to purchasing my items. Fortunately, (or unfortunately, I’m not sure which), circumstances lead me to the self-checkout. Again, I had to force myself to slow down – I was literally trying to rush through the checkout. I even almost forgot to grab my grocery bags. After a deep breath and finding my composure, I calmly walked across the front of the store to the opposite door and outside toward the parking lot. Collecting my bags and purse, I left the cart on the sidewalk, and walked to my truck with dignity.
Driving home, I had to consider this excursion a success. Feminine me had completed an everyday task that masculine me handles without a second thought. I had interacted with both the store’s employees and my fellow patrons, and survived without experiencing any negativity, all as feminine me. Is feminine me as comfortable as masculine me? No, but I made huge strides in rectifying that. There was, however, one negative. I spent twice as much time driving to and from the grocery store than I spent actually shopping. All in all, it was a great step in my journey of growth and acceptance of all of who I am.
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