When I made the decision eighteen months ago to embrace and explore my femininity, I never imagined how far I would have come in such a short time. When this journey began, I could not even walk outside without jumping out my skin if I saw anything that could be someone watching me. As the weeks slowly became months, my comfort level grew. Today, I think nothing of walking out to the mailbox or working around the yard wearing whatever feels comfortable. I was even served a subpoena while wearing a gingham skirt, tee, and heels. Out of respect for my wife’s feelings and our reputation in the community, I do not dress as feminine me locally. That being said, my public excursions beyond my property have been limited. Besides attending a couple of social events for a local crossdresser / transgendered group where all present were like minded individuals, my only public excursions have been driving to and from Baltimore where the only interaction was maybe a drive thru for lunch. I have avoid full fledged public interaction as feminine me quite actively. Today, however, that changed, and feminine me finally bit the bullet, at least figuratively.
I was relaxing at home wearing a black skirt, pale pink tunic, and my black wedges, trying to stay out of the heat. I had nowhere to go, but I was feeling very feminine so I applied some light make up and donned silk head scarf. It was an all-around great day. I chatted and channel surfed between golf, synchronized swimming, and volleyball. I was content and happy.
As early afternoon became mid afternoon, my wife texted me about dinner – she had a craving for burgers. I would have to go shopping! Our refrigerator and pantry were essentially empty; we had just returned from several weeks on vacation. Given the aforementioned restrictions, this created a dilemma for me as I really did not want to change and remove my makeup. Therefore, I faced a choice – either change or drive several communities over to go grocery shopping. Well, after procrastinating for an hour, I made my decision which as the title implies, was to drive twenty-five minutes away and shop as feminine me.
Throwing my wallet and phone in my purse, I jumped into my truck and set off for the grocery store. It was a generally uneventful ride with two exceptions. While waiting at a red light, I may have been a conversation starter for two young ladies in the vehicle in the next lane. When I glanced over, they were chuckling, smiling, and somewhat pointing in my direction. I allowed my vehicle to roll forward slightly, and they immediately followed suit. Not wanting my nerves to get the better of me, I elected to move into the open right turn lane, and use an alternate route. The other exception was at the McDonald’s drive thru. I craved a snack. The team members at the drive thru window were starring without making any comment. Accepting my order, I thanked the two young team members, and continued on my journey. My previous drive thru experiences were much different; they were more of the ordinary variety. In those experiences, the team members acted no different than I have observed as masculine me. Of course, in hindsight, I recognize that I was so nervous that I was probably more sensitive than usual to my surroundings and reading meaning where none existed.
Arriving at the grocery store, I touched up my lipstick which had been removed by my burger and sweet tea. Stepping out of my truck, I grabbed a cart, threw my purse in, and forced myself to walk at normal pace toward the front door. My nerves were present as expected, which required me to force myself repeatedly to slow down. I must have walked up and down several aisles multiple times to calm my nerves. It was not the most efficient shopping trip, and I almost forgot the most important ingredients for burgers, ground beef. I also almost lost my nerve when it came to purchasing my items. Fortunately, (or unfortunately, I’m not sure which), circumstances lead me to the self-checkout. Again, I had to force myself to slow down – I was literally trying to rush through the checkout. I even almost forgot to grab my grocery bags. After a deep breath and finding my composure, I calmly walked across the front of the store to the opposite door and outside toward the parking lot. Collecting my bags and purse, I left the cart on the sidewalk, and walked to my truck with dignity.
Driving home, I had to consider this excursion a success. Feminine me had completed an everyday task that masculine me handles without a second thought. I had interacted with both the store’s employees and my fellow patrons, and survived without experiencing any negativity, all as feminine me. Is feminine me as comfortable as masculine me? No, but I made huge strides in rectifying that. There was, however, one negative. I spent twice as much time driving to and from the grocery store than I spent actually shopping. All in all, it was a great step in my journey of growth and acceptance of all of who I am.
Thanks for sharing this awesome experience.
I’m so proud of you, I experienced the same thoughts and feelings when I was breaking ice.
People will always look and comment even if you are FAB. Just move on your way because the small number that do, place no food on your table or pay check in the bank. Foucus on you and your female you.
Thanx for the support, Yvonne. I still find in amazing how in retrospect I wonder why I was no nervous. I am definitely my own worse enemy in these adventures, but I am becoming more comfortable with each venture. As with most things in life, familiarity breeds comfort.
I’m happy for you, Mac! I know the rolling forward in your car bit and usually stop initially with a full car length in front so I can control the final position after someone pulls alongside. BTW, the description of your outfit is lovely. Hugs, hun, you’ve done well!
Thanx, Cloé. And here I thought my description of my outfit was basic. I truly am my own worst critic.
You are a strong person. I wish to have as much composure one day to do the same.
Thanx for the compliment, Linday. I have been in your position, and can understand the feeling. It is important to remember that you are on a journey. It is trek, not marathon, and definitely not a sprint. Just take it step by step, and you will get there. It may not be on any timetable or along the straightest path, but you will get there.
It was very well written Mackenzie, most of started out as you have. My own experiences were almost the same. As my nerves got the better of me but the more I went out shopping as feminine Me I had gotten easier.
Thanx for the compliments and support, Toni. With each step, my journey is becoming more normal. Sometimes, though, I wish it would occur faster, but I do understand that patience is the name of the game.
Hi MacKenzie Alexandria Reading about your experience made me remember the first time that I went to a grocery store dressed en.femme. Like you I was nervous but I really needed some things and didn’t want to go home to change and have to return dressed in my male mode so I parked my car and went into the grocery store wearing a skirt and blouse with a pair of tan sandals. I was really surprised to find that no one was looking at me and my confidence was sky high as I made my way up and down the… Read more »
You are correct, Janine. I hope to have more occasions to shop as feminine me. Each time, I know that I will grow in comfort. I dream of the day when I won’t give it a second thought to venture away from home, however, I choose to dress.
A truly inspiring story mac I am very happy for you and Proud of you, going outside in my are in not much of an option for me and I look forward to the day when i can freely walk were i want how i want. Thankyou for keeping the hope alive in me
Wabbit
Great story. I remember my first outings. For the longest time, I had the urge to go somewhere, anywhere, without acting on it. I was the epitome of the cross-dressers lament. “All dressed up and no place to go." I sometimes would wait until after sundown and drive to a nice neighborhood some distance away from home and walk around for ten or fifteen minutes. But that really didn’t satisfy my desire. Then one day, I read in the paper about someone being arrested for indecent exposure in a local mall. It seems the person in question had dressed in… Read more »
Thank yoi for sharing! You are a braver girl than me sweetie!
L,
Chrissie
Wonderful Mac and thank you for sharing. Although I have been out (once) en femme I have had zero interaction with anybody. I am looking forward to my first trip when this happens and will let you know how I get on. Im very proud of you hun.
Cindy
xx