When I made the decision eighteen months ago to embrace and explore my femininity, I never imagined how far I would have come in such a short time.  When this journey began, I could not even walk outside without jumping out my skin if I saw anything that could be someone watching me.  As the weeks slowly became months, my comfort level grew.  Today, I think nothing of walking out to the mailbox or working around the yard wearing whatever feels comfortable.  I was even served a subpoena while wearing a gingham skirt, tee, and heels.  Out of respect for my wife’s feelings and our reputation in the community, I do not dress as feminine me locally.  That being said, my public excursions beyond my property have been limited.  Besides attending a couple of social events for a local crossdresser / transgendered group where all present were like minded individuals, my only public excursions have been driving to and from Baltimore where the only interaction was maybe a drive thru for lunch.  I have avoid full fledged public interaction as feminine me quite actively.  Today, however, that changed, and feminine me finally bit the bullet, at least figuratively.

I was relaxing at home wearing a black skirt, pale pink tunic, and my black wedges, trying to stay out of the heat.  I had nowhere to go, but I was feeling very feminine so I applied some light make up and donned silk head scarf.  It was an all-around great day.  I chatted and channel surfed between golf, synchronized swimming, and volleyball.  I was content and happy.

As early afternoon became mid afternoon, my wife texted me about dinner – she had a craving for burgers.  I would have to go shopping! Our refrigerator and pantry were essentially empty; we had just returned from several weeks on vacation.  Given the aforementioned restrictions, this created a dilemma for me as I really did not want to change and remove my makeup.   Therefore, I faced a choice – either change or drive several communities over to go grocery shopping.  Well, after procrastinating for an hour, I made my decision which as the title implies, was to drive twenty-five minutes away and shop as feminine me.

Throwing my wallet and phone in my purse, I jumped into my truck and set off for the grocery store.   It was a generally uneventful ride with two exceptions.  While waiting at a red light, I may have been a conversation starter for two young ladies in the vehicle in the next lane.  When I glanced over, they were chuckling, smiling, and somewhat pointing in my direction.  I allowed my vehicle to roll forward slightly, and they immediately followed suit.  Not wanting my nerves to get the better of me, I elected to move into the open right turn lane, and use an alternate route.  The other exception was at the McDonald’s drive thru.  I craved a snack.  The team members at the drive thru window were starring without making any comment.  Accepting my order, I thanked the two young team members, and continued on my journey.  My previous drive thru experiences were much different; they were more of the ordinary variety.  In those experiences, the team members acted no different than I have observed as masculine me.  Of course, in hindsight, I recognize that I was so nervous that I was probably more sensitive than usual to my surroundings and reading meaning where none existed.

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Arriving at the grocery store, I touched up my lipstick which had been removed by my burger and sweet tea.  Stepping out of my truck, I grabbed a cart, threw my purse in, and forced myself to walk at normal pace toward the front door.  My nerves were present as expected, which required me to force myself repeatedly to slow down.  I must have walked up and down several aisles multiple times to calm my nerves.  It was not the most efficient shopping trip, and I almost forgot the most important ingredients for burgers, ground beef.  I also almost lost my nerve when it came to purchasing my items.  Fortunately, (or unfortunately, I’m not sure which), circumstances lead me to the self-checkout.  Again, I had to force myself to slow down – I was literally trying to rush through the checkout.  I even almost forgot to grab my grocery bags.  After a deep breath and finding my composure, I calmly walked across the front of the store to the opposite door and outside toward the parking lot.  Collecting my bags and purse, I left the cart on the sidewalk, and walked to my truck with dignity.

Driving home, I had to consider this excursion a success.  Feminine me had completed an everyday task that masculine me handles without a second thought.  I had interacted with both the store’s employees and my fellow patrons, and survived without experiencing any negativity, all as feminine me.  Is feminine me as comfortable as masculine me?  No, but I made huge strides in rectifying that.  There was, however, one negative.  I spent twice as much time driving to and from the grocery store than I spent actually shopping.  All in all, it was a great step in my journey of growth and acceptance of all of who I am.

EnFemme

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Melanie Johnson
Lady
6 years ago

Great story.The feelings you have during your little excursion are very normal. Only another CD can relate. I’ve been there as well. I’ve gotten so nervous I’ve even lost my car in the mall parking lot and had to wander around pushing the remote lock to try and find it–pretty unnerving. I’ve pushed myself to go out more and each time I have grown in confidence. Even now, I still get the “jitters" each time I venture out. But, once I’ve left the sanctity of my home, things seem to calm down and my nervousness changes to excitement. I find… Read more »

Kara Kelly
Lady
6 years ago

Very proud of you MacKensie ! I have yet to go out fully enfemme. When I have gone to purchase pantyhose, makeup, etc. I have experienced the same nervousness and felt the same need to rush through the self checkout even though I was dressed in my male clothes.

Leonara
Ambassador
Trusted Member
6 years ago

Mackenzie,
Thank you for sharing your “A personal first" with us. It has given me inspiration that I can experience my own outing…

debbie
Member
debbie
6 years ago

Good for you Mackenzie. This brought back memories of my first grocery store experience as well and found it ground breaking sis. Hugs

Sophie Frenchie
Member
Sophie Frenchie
6 years ago

Hi Mac, I am wondering how you feel now about future shopping trips! I am sure the first is the most difficult and you are now over the worst of it. Congratulations are in order I think, and I hope your are looking forward to more developments in your life as ‘Feminine Me’
Sophie xx

Amanda Patrick
Member
6 years ago

Hi Mackenzie, You go girl, That first time out is hard on the nerves. The things that go through our minds are usually the worst possible scenario’s. But nothing stopped you and you pulled it of. you are not your own worst enemy we all go through the same doubts on this and you are right it is steps not a sprint or a race I am similar to you I went out the first time after about 18 months my outing was to a LGBTQ Friendly bar out of my area .and the second one the same. you are… Read more »

susieque
Lady
6 years ago

Miss mackenzie: thank you for sharing your adventure. My first venture out was to a mall in Little Rock Arkansas after dropping my wife off at the airport to fly to spend time with our kids. I had worn a simple dress and decided on the drive home to stop at the mall and see if I could get a makeover. I put a pair of heels on and, with shaking knees, got our of of the car and quickly walked to the entrance. I loved the sound of my heels clicking on the tiled floors. the only issue I… Read more »

Vera Jane Gonsalves
Member
Vera Jane Gonsalves
6 years ago

Thank you for sharing your experience. Inspiring for ‘closeted’ gurls like me.

April (Pacific Princess)
Ambassador
Active Member

Mac – I’m so happy that you have ventured out! I don’t know if my experience is typical or atypical, but I have almost universally experienced acceptance, love, and understanding wherever I have gone as April. I have found that if you “own it" so to speak, people in general can accept you as you present yourself to be. It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive wife too – that is an awesome thing!

Lovely story hon.

Hugs,
April

Kim Paige' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Kim Paige
6 years ago

Yeah for Mackenzie!!
Thanks for sharing your adventure! I have taken some of those small steps like working up the nerve to try on femme clothes in the store, and I am really looking forward to experiencing what you have shared. Each step along the path continues to be exciting and fun I’m very grateful to have found a place where thoughts and emotions we have held in isolation can be openly shared with others.
Kim

Janine' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Janine
6 years ago
Reply to  Kim Paige

Hi Kim I to have had the experience of trying on feminine clothes in a store dressing room. The first time I did I was in a Wal Mart store dressed en.femme and found a cute skirt that I just had to have. I held it up to my waist and checked the length but didn’t really know if it would fit. I went to the fitting rooms and the female attendent said to go into one of the rooms that wasn’t being used. I went in and closed the door and to my surprise there were mirrors all around… Read more »

Kim Paige' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Kim Paige
6 years ago
Reply to  Janine

Thanks Janine! agree shopping and trying on clothes is always fun, but the rush from that first time was so memorable.
Love,
Kim

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