Foreword
This article was difficult to write. It took weeks from start to finish. In the next few minutes, I’ll reflect on some recent mental health issues that I’ve experienced, and I’ll tell you how I recovered. Writing about this has forced me to relive things that I’d rather forget; more than once, I had to stop and allow myself to cry.
In late September, I took a three-week trip to the UK to visit a handful of girlfriends I’d befriended on CDH; Ellie Davis, Fiona Finlay, Allie, Rebecca Lewis and Lucy Bancroft. Ellie’s cottage in Norfolk would be my home away from home.
Planning started in the Spring. It would be my first real vacation in several years. By September, it became a trip that I needed to take.
Some of the girls that I visited have already reflected on their experiences during the three weeks I was in the UK. If you’re interested, look for articles and forum topics by Ellie Davis, Allie, Rebecca Lewis and Fiona Finlay.
It was just after dawn on my fifth day in the UK and all I could hear were the soothing sounds of nature. I was standing at the window of Ellie’s guest room, looking out into her backyard. Bright sunshine filtered down through a tapestry of leaves. Birds darted back and forth in the flickering green, sudden flights interrupted by moments of stillness.
The Norfolk countryside unfolded lazily in the distance.
This was so unlike the noisy bustle of life in the suburbs of Southern California.
That’s when it struck me; I’d woken up feeling content for the first time in months. I was well-rested; my mind was empty; I was living in the moment. The chaos that I’d left behind had finally released its grip on my thoughts. My shoulders were relaxed. The nervous twitch in my right eye had relented.
I had nothing better to do than stare out of that window, and I was smiling.
THIS was what I’d been craving. Solace. Serenity. Norfolk.
It had taken me five days to feel alive again. To feel human. To start recovering from a near breakdown.
I pride myself on being resilient and resourceful. I handle stress and adversity well. But I’m also human; there are limits to how much I can handle, and past experiences have taught me how to recognize the signs of impending mental collapse.
As many of you are aware, I’m trans. I started transitioning three years ago, and that has given me a life that I didn’t previously think was possible. It’s really that good. But that life is not without challenges. Some are trans-specific, others are just life gone sideways.
I don’t talk much about those challenges and I won’t go into the details now. Frankly, they’re too boring and depressing. But they are significant. Many of my most difficult challenges came to a head in the summer of 2024. I’d been testing the limits of my resilience for months; I was mentally and emotionally exhausted by August and I was a wreck when I left San Diego in September.
All the warning signs were there. Insomnia. Fatigue. Irritability. Headaches. Forgetfulness. Difficulty concentrating. Feeling withdrawn. Changes in appetite. Frequent crying. Feeling overwhelmed.
Knowing that I was hiding it. Knowing that I needed help.
On multiple occasions, in the privacy of my home, I cried uncontrollably for hours. Personal loss, family crisis, institutional transphobia, job stresses, innumerable demands on my time. I could go on.
Transition had given me just enough strength to handle a very difficult situation, but it had also given me a level of emotional response that I was finding difficult to cope with.
Knowing when to ask for help can make the difference between a near-breakdown and being debilitated. I reached out to the people I knew I could trust with my fragile emotional state.
My therapist told me what I already suspected. Therapy by itself was a band-aid. Anti-depressants would help, but they were just a better band-aid. What I really needed was to remove myself from the chaos in my life. She advised me to go to Norfolk to be with my girlfriends, and I knew that she was right. I needed their support.
One of the greatest things about CDH is that you can make real friends with people you meet online. Through fate or luck or divine intervention, I got to know Ellie Davis. In the months leading up to my trip, Ellie and I chatted often, and I told her about the many challenges I was dealing with. I don’t think I ever actually asked for her help. My raw emotions said more than I could possibly convey in words.
During one of our conversations, Ellie said something that took me by surprise. To be honest, I can’t remember her exact words. But it was along these lines:
‘Liz, when you get to Norfolk I’ll make your time with me as easy and stress free as I possibly can. You’re going to be okay.’
She said it with the calm assurance of someone who’s been there before.
Somehow, I knew she was right. I was going to be okay. Faith in Ellie’s words kept me going on my roughest days.
During the weeks leading up to my trip, I made sure to reach out to all the girls who I would be visiting. There were lots of messages and several group video calls. We shared our thoughts and feelings about the challenges of being who we are. My girlfriends got to hear about my struggles, and their words reinforced what Ellie had already said. I was going to be okay.
By now, you’ll have realized this article isn’t actually about my vacation in the UK. It’s about the sisterhood that I found on CDH. My UK girlfriends provided a space in which I could heal. They listened. They had my back. In their presence I found peace, serenity, companionship, fun and LOTS of laughter.
I want to offer heartfelt thanks to Fiona Finlay, Allie, Rebecca Lewis, Lucy Bancroft … and especially Ellie Davis. I love you all. I had a grand time visiting with each of you. We will see each other again.
I’ve been a member of CDH for over five years. I joined for the same reason that many do – to meet other girls and to build a network of friends. I’ve found an empathy here that is vanishingly rare on other ‘support’ sites. I see it every day; when one of us is hurting, she can feel confident that her sisters will do everything in their power to help her. We are never alone.
We are never alone. That’s the message I’d like to leave you with.
I don’t expect that this will be the last article I’ll write about my experiences in the UK. There was much about that trip that simply didn’t fit with an article about mental health. Stay tuned.
Thanks for reading.
Liz xx
Footnote: It’s important to know when to ask for help. If you have a few trusted girlfriends, reach out to them privately when you’re in a tough spot. If you’re fortunate enough to be able to meet in person then do it – but remember that video conferencing apps provide a good alternative. Google Meet and Zoom are both free and easy to use.
And don’t forget, even when meetups in whatever form simply aren’t possible, you still have options. If you trust the person you’re reaching out to, private messages, email and even text messages can all offer a vital lifeline.
It’s so wonderful that you’ve found the right people at the right time. It’s such a treasure to have people in our lives who can just allow us to be as we are, that can hold the tension with us without trying to fix it. I envy you the tribe you’ve found. I have positive people in my life who love and accept me for who I am, and I’m beyond grateful for that, but I don’t have “my people", the people who understand what it’s like to be so wildly different, so far from the norm, and who maybe… Read more »
@justnikki Hey Nikki, it’s good to hear from you.In writing this article, I hadn’t considered the difficulties some girls have in finding ‘their tribe’. That is a very good point. Seeking help from people you don’t really know can be an unnerving task. I’m sure some girls struggle with this.However, I would offer that the trusted friendships one can make on CDH go a long way toward fulfilling that gap.I met many of my dearest girlfriends on CDH. With some, we’ve never met in person or on a video call. Chances are I will never meet some of them because… Read more »
Liz, I’ve been here for 2 years now. When I first got here, you were one of the first girls that I heard from. I’ve got to tell you that just since I’ve been here, I’ve noticed a kinder gentler Liz. I can’t pinpoint when it started, but it was actually before you got to the UK. I’m so glad you found what I’ve had for so long, everyone, and I mean everyone in this world deserves to know true happiness is and it’s so great that you have it. I can see it in your photos, you look so… Read more »
@jennconn Thank you, Jennifer. I’ve noticed it in myself too. I’m just a lot happier and more at peace. Transition is the biggest reason without a doubt. Things started falling into place in 2021. There’s been some challenges along the way. But things keep getting better all the time. The other difference maker is the connection I have with this community. CDH primarily but also the greater trans community. I’ve found so much love and support in the last three years. I know I will never be alone. It’s changed my life. Honestly, what I have today didn’t seem possible… Read more »
@Liz K Such a wonderfully encouraging and insightful piece of writing. Thankyou for your honesty, openness and willingness to share this. Norfolk is indeed a lovely place and I am very fortunate to live in nearby Suffolk which is also a place of beauty and peace. I actually am lucky to own a boat which I keep on the Norfolk Broads.
@nicolatiffin
I really felt that I needed to write this Nicola. Not only for my benefit, but for other girls that might find themselves in similar circumstances.
When time allows, I want to write another article about my time in the UK. Besides seeing much of Norfolk, I spent significant time in the Midlands and North Yorkshire.
Then there was one very wet day exploring the Southwold area with @Ellie Davis. We couldn’t stop laughing about how absurdly drenched we were. The seats of Ellie’s car may still be damp! Yes, Suffolk is beautiful. Even in torrential downpours!
Liz xx
Liz.
Thank you for sharing this with us and I am glad you found such solace in Norfolk.
I have made quite a few friends in the short time since I joined CDH and it is indeed a wonderful place to come and just “be with” so many lovely people.
Love and Hugs, Wendy x
Thank you for sharing this story Liz. It is very moving. I hope you are OK.
Thank you Liz for writing that article which I read with tears obscuring my vision to the point I needed windscreen wipers on my glasses and a huge lump in my throat,I can empathize with all the feeling you had and the battle you’ve had. your article struck a cord deep within me and the loneliness I feel as Diane in my little corner of the Antipodes, it seems there are so few if any girls down here that are open or at least only one transgirl I have come across, but enough about my woes moans it’s a sunny… Read more »